Chapter 24 #2
The trek across the room had sweat breaking out all over my body like I was running a marathon, but I didn’t care. The physical ache would heal, but I wasn’t so sure about my brain and my heart. Grabbing the extra pillows, I propped them up against the headboard, and Ren’s eyes opened.
“Hey, what are you doing out of bed? Let me do that,” she said.
“No, just lay there,” I said and placed the last pillow with the others before once more, bracing myself for the stabbing pain. Lowering down onto the bed felt like a victory.
Ren sat up and looked at me, then around the room. “Where are we?”
“My parent’s house. You don’t remember?”
She rubbed at her temples. “Not really. Everything was heavy and foggy after you woke up. I guess I passed out. I’m not sure what happened.”
“I’m what happened,” I said. “The extreme adrenaline surge started it, but when you did mouth to mouth, you got some of what I took.”
“Oh.” She placed her hand on her nose as a glimmer of fear filled her eyes.
“Don’t worry. The paramedics said you’ll be fine.
It was just a trace amount. Between that and the adrenaline wearing off is why you don’t remember.
I’m really sorry. I…fuck….” Turning my head away, I fixated on the painting on the wall.
My mom loved all things mystical and paranormal, and each room had a little touch.
The moonlit landscape of a large pirate ship with a mermaid on a rock watching was the piece in this room.
There was only one light turned on, and the dim flicker made the shimmering colors in the waves look like they’d come to life.
It was one of my favorite paintings in the whole house, and I’d sat so long staring at it that I could almost hear the waves of the ocean and the tear-filled call of the mermaid and sailor who could never be together.
“Why, Blake? Just tell me that.”
Ren said it like it should be a simple answer, but it wasn’t.
“I…I don’t know. I was doing well, and I had an appointment coming up with my doctor to talk about the anxiety and to get on something that could really help, but….”
“Was it something I did?” I winced as I turned my head too quickly.
“No, don’t go there.”
“I’m not saying this like I’m vain or something. I know how you feel about me. I searched for you in the kitchen. That was an asshole move. I’m sorry, I’m struggling with where the lines are,” she said, and I would’ve laughed if it didn’t feel like a thousand knives stabbing my chest.
“Yes, how dare you be a concerned friend, such a bitch move,” I teased, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
“Ren, you can’t stop being a nice person.
That’s just dumb. I’m the one who couldn’t keep my shit together because you put ice on my cheek.
No, it’s not your fault, and it wasn’t just the ice.
It’s deeper than that. I…fuck, I hate to admit this, but I’m no longer a recreational style user.
I’m an addict. I don’t know when exactly that switch happened, but I can’t lie to myself anymore.
” The corner of my mouth tugged up. “I’m not smiling because I’m proud.
It’s just that it feels good to get this off my chest, and this is one of the steps, right?
They always say you need to admit you have a problem.
” I glanced at Ren. “I don’t really know other than what’s on TV shows, but it still feels like a step to me. ”
She placed her hand on mine, and I gripped her fingers, feeding off her strength.
“I genuinely thought I could control this, that I only used when I had to or for fun. But this just proved to me that I was in a lot deeper than I thought.” She looked down at her hand that was fiddling with the cuff of Myles’s hoodie she was wearing.
“I don’t know what to do, Blake,” she said. “I want to help, but I feel like no matter what path I choose, I’ll hurt someone, including myself. At this point, maybe it’s best if I stay as far away from you as I can.”
“Don’t do that.” I tightened my grip on her hand. “This is no one’s fault but my own—my choices, my ego, my fears, my longing. Just keep being you, and I promise I’ll do the work to be okay.” Her fingers tightened on mine. “Thank you for saving my life.”
She wiped away a tear and bit her cheek. “Just so you know, when you’re all healed, I’m going to smack the shit out of you for scaring me like that. And you owe Theo a huge thank you. Do his laundry for a month or something,” she said, and I smirked.
“Fair deal, I’ll take it.”
I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling without complicating everything further.
How could I tell Ren I was in love with her?
As far as she was concerned, we hardly knew one another.
She had no idea that I watched everything she did, smiled when she laughed and craved to touch her.
If I said those three words, Ren would run for the hills and probably switch her classes so she wouldn’t have to be near me.
My eyes roamed over her face. Her long hair shadowed her pale eyes, which were haunting long before they’d become ghosts that stalked me.
“Will you sleep with me?” She looked at me and lifted a brow as I smirked. “Trust me, I couldn’t do what you’re thinking even if that was what I was suggesting.”
Ren laid down and curled up on her side, facing me. “I’m scared to touch you. I don’t want to hurt you,” she said.
I flipped over my hand, and she linked our fingers together. “You’re good. I’ll let you know if anything hurts.” She snuggled a little closer and closed her eyes.
“This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever asked for, but please don’t do that to me again,” she whispered. “I already had to watch my mum die. I don’t know if I could handle anyone else I cared about dying. I was so scared and felt so helpless.”
“I won’t. I promise,” I said, mouthing I love you , silently before closing my eyes.