Chapter 26
R en
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, was I really going to do this?
I did another lap of Myles’s bathroom before stopping to stare at myself in the mirror and quickly pulling my nails away from my mouth.
Stepping back, I looked at the cute sleep outfit I’d chosen from the set that Myles had purchased for me.
He really needed to stop with all the gifts, but I couldn’t deny that I loved it.
The dark blue, silky shorts had snowflakes all over them, and the matching tank top was the same but in opposite colors.
I’d taken extra time after my shower to blow-dry my hair, and now I was stuck.
I’d hyped myself up that this was going to be the night that I had sex for the first time, but now that all I had to do was open the door and step out, I was shaking like a leaf.
I held out my hand and couldn’t believe that I had cracked Blake’s ribs and saved his life with more composure than I was able to muster for something that was supposed to be fun and loving between two people.
Gripping the edge of the sink, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Snowflake, are you okay in there,” Myles said through the door, and I jumped like he’d yelled right beside me.
“Yup,” I said, my voice squeaking like a little mouse.
“Are ya sure? Ya don’t sound okay.”
Before I could contemplate it anymore, I whipped the door open, and Myles hit me with one of his smiles that could make the coldest person melt. His eyes traveled up and down my body, and I squirmed.
“Damn, Snowflake, that was well worth the wait.”
“Okay, let’s do this.”
His eyebrow lifted. “Do what?”
“You know.” He stared at me, and I stepped past him into the bedroom, my heart fluttering like it had wings.
“Naw, I really don’t.”
“Myles, you know…the…this,” I said, holding out my hands toward him, but his face only looked more confused. “You know, the thing that you keep saying you want to do. Let’s do this. I want to do this.”
He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m probably being daft, but Snowflake, yer not makin’ an ounce of sense to me.”
“Oh my god.” I paced the room and wanted to whip open the window and let in the cold air from outside before I combusted. Myles grabbed me and forced me to turn around and look at him.
“Take a breath, yer startin’ to freak me out.
” I took a slow breath in, but looking at him wasn’t helping.
I closed my eyes as I continued trying to calm the insanity in my brain.
It was a three-letter word. It really shouldn’t be this difficult to say, S.E.X.
I can do this. I can say the word. “That’s better.
Now, try this again. What are ya tryin’ to say? ”
“I can do this. Sex, I want to have sex,” I said and breathed out a long breath, but Myles sucked one in and smiled while shaking his head at me. “What? Why are you shaking your head?”
“Aw, Snowflake, yer the fuckin’ best. Come here.” Grabbing my hand, he tugged me over to his bed and sat down.
“Do you want me to sit on your lap or….”
He smiled wide. “Naw, just sit.” He pointed to the spot beside him, and I glared. “I don’t mean it like yer a dog, just take a moment. I need ya to understand somethin’.”
This was not how I envisioned this going. I slowly sat down beside him and got comfortable as Myles grabbed my hands. His face looked sad as he rubbed his thumbs along the backs.
“Ya don’t really want to have sex,” he said.
“Yes, I do,” I argued. Meanwhile, part of me was relieved that he was calling me out.
“Naw, ya don’t.”
“Yes, I do.” I didn’t know why I was arguing when he was right.
He smirked. “Ya don’t, but it’s okay. Don’t be tryin’ to force it.”
“But…I don’t understand. You’re always talking like you want to, and I know you have with other people, so what’s the problem now?
” There was nothing worse than feeling out of your depth.
That was what this conversation was like for me.
I could handle school. It was simple, but everything with Myles felt like I was back in the pool with Nash thrashing around, trying to reach the surface.
“I know yer not ready. I can see the reluctance in yer eyes, and that’s not what I want for us. This should be something you are really wantin’ to do and it’s a massive step. Once we go there, it’s not like I can give yer V card back. It’s not like a library card.”
What was it with everyone and the library card reference today? My lips pressed together as a bit of humiliation seeped in. “I think I know that,” I snapped.
Myles sighed. “Sorry, I…okay, let’s start over. Maybe ya do want to, but I don’t want to…yet.”
Now, I was even more confused. “I don’t understand. What about all the other….” He placed his finger on my lips, and my eyes went wide.
“Naw, yer not doing that either. Don’t ya dare compare yerself to a bunch of meaningless fun. Let’s back up for a moment. Why do ya think I started to have sex?”
“Because you like it.” Myles laughed.
“Okay, the other reason?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Snowflake, my Da is horrible. My brother Devin is worse, and my life has been a living horror movie. They hurt me all the time for fun. Less now that I can fight back, but…he’s broken my bones and enjoyed it.”
That was the first time he’d said it so bluntly, and I sucked in a ragged breath and immediately envisioned a painful death for Owen for ever hurting Myles.
“I had my first kill at twelve, delivered drugs to dealers by fourteen. Started collecting money for my Da and Lawrence last year. My life is dark, Snowflake. I smile, and things seem normal at school, but my world outside those gates is ugly. Sex was a way to have fun and let loose, to be young and forget about all the other shite for a tiny bit of time. But yer not a tiny bit of time to me.” He held up my hand with his ring on it.
“Yer more important to me than anythin’, but don’t tell Nash that he’ll kick me arse. ” I snickered and smiled.
“So, you’re saying you don’t want to have sex because I mean more to you? Seems backward.”
He lifted a shoulder and let it drop. “Maybe, but I also don’t want yer first time to be something ya regret.
I…don’t ever want to be somethin’ you regret.
I want ya to be confident in yer decision and not second guessin’ yerself.
Go ahead and deny it all ya want, but these beautiful eyes tell a story of uncertainty. ”
Feeling defeated, I looked down and sighed. Myles was right. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t fair to either of us to rush this because it felt like what I should do rather than what I wanted. I needed a manual to navigate my feelings because this sucked.
“God, I feel so stupid,” I rubbed my eyes, and Myles grabbed my hands again and forced me to look at him.
“Naw, I’m flattered that ya were gonna try, but it’s not the right time.”
I stood up and ran my hands through my hair.
“I hate this. I have never failed at something, but I genuinely feel like I can’t do this dating thing right.
I’m a mess.” I held up my hand that had the new ring he’d just given me had a swimmer on one side and his lacrosse number on the other.
“I didn’t even remember that today was our one month. I’m a terrible girlfriend.”
Myles stood and gripped my shoulders. “Snowflake, yer way too hard on yerself. No one expects ya to be perfect all the time and the best at everything. Besides, I didn’t say we can’t do other things.” He licked his bottom lip, and my stomach flipped with excitement.
“Yeah?” And my mind went to the trunk of Blake’s car.
“Definitely.”
“Like what?”
The devil must have graced him with the grin he gave me, and I shivered with anticipation as he leaned in close and whispered in my ear.
“I want to taste you, Snowflake.” His hands slid down my sides and around my back until he was gripping my ass.
The excited trembling under my skin was instant.
“I want to taste every inch of yer sexy body.” I tried swallowing, but it was as if my throat had turned to dust. “I think it’s time I gave you yer other gifts.
” My hands balled into fists, gripping his t-shirt as he ran his lips along the side of my neck.
“Fuck ya smell good enough to eat,” Myles growled, and I shuddered as a shiver raced down my spine.
There was no feasible way that a person could feel this hot and not be on fire.
I couldn’t get close enough to him, and the insanity he was stirring in my body was intense.
Butterflies wasn’t a strong enough word for the excited humming that terrified me as much as loved it.
His hands slipped under my top, making me gasp as he slowly pulled the tank over my head and tossed it aside.
No one had seen me naked since my mum when I was a kid. I didn’t even change in front of Lizzy at school. I covered my chest as every possible insecurity began to run through my head on a cycle. Myles grabbed my wrist and gently pried my arms away.
“I can see ya overthinking, Snowflake,” Myles said, and I narrowed my eyes at him. Not because he was wrong but because he was right. The fact that he could read me so quickly was not a good thing. At least it didn’t feel like a good thing when he still seemed so mysterious.
Myles stepped back with his eyes fixated on my chest as he licked his lower lip.
“Fuck…there is only one thing wrong with this picture,” he said, and I looked down at my breasts. They could definitely be bigger. I was only a B, and I had a few freckles, but I didn’t see anything that would stand out as wrong with me.
Myles tipped my chin up and smirked, making me want to wipe it off his face. “I don’t mean with the way ya look. I mean, ya don’t have my name on yer body.”
“Your name? Like a tattoo or a brand?”
He traced his finger along my rib. “Yeah, Snowflake. I want anyone that looks yer way to know that yer mine.”