Chapter 41
R en
“Ya don’t have to do this,” Myles said, and I glanced up at him.
“I really do. If I’m going to move past what happened, I need to start with walking in there,” I said, my eyes focused on the metal door that had acted like a cage and locked me in with a monster.
The last week had been challenging, and not just for me.
I was trying so hard not to cry all the time, but the tears would start out of nowhere, or I’d be so angry that I couldn’t contain it and snap at Myles or Blake for no reason.
I didn’t recognize this angry and sad version of myself, and I just wanted to go back to the way things were before.
Ivy and Chantry had visited, and the night we all got ice cream had felt like old times, including Theo spouting off facts, Liam broody in the corner, and Nash saying something that made me want to punch him.
But other than that, it still felt like everyone was avoiding me or didn’t know what to say.
Everything was awkward, tense, and strained.
I now understood why my mum kept saying to me that she just wanted people to treat her like normal and not give her pitying stares, avoid visiting, or worry that she was going to crumble every second of the day.
Had I worried too much about her? Had she just been too sweet to tell me to bugger off?
I’d never get to ask her, but I hoped that I didn’t treat her like that because it was annoying.
Sleeping between Myles and Blake, though, was incredible.
The bed could’ve been bigger, as we were in one position all night, but it was the only time I completely relaxed and wasn’t ready to defend myself against the next threat.
So far, the only threats had been the ones attacking my mind, but the nagging feeling that this life wasn’t done jerking me around never left.
“I know you want to make sure that your grades don’t slip so you can beat me and get more awards at the end of the year, but if it makes you feel any better, you were never going to beat me,” Theo said and smirked as I glared at him.
“You think so?”
“Oh, I know so. That pesky Spanish class from last semester is still dragging your overall average down.” Theo walked toward the door and then looked back. “I’ve been keeping track.”
I smiled. Of course, he had. That was the first normal interaction I’d had in days. If going to class on Monday was going to be an option, I needed to see if I could walk in here and not melt down.
The door opened, and Nash stuck his head out.
I didn’t really want him here, but doing whatever the hell he wanted was Nash’s thing.
“Are you two coming in or what? I don’t have all day,” Nash growled, the door closing again before I could tell him to fuck off and leave and that I hadn’t asked him to join.
“He’s like a burr under a saddle pad,” I said, and Myles lifted an eyebrow at me.
“I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to assume it’s not good,” he said, and I laughed.
“It means he is really fucking annoying.”
Myles barked out a laugh and then snorted. “That’s puttin’ it mildly.”
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms, and even though it wasn’t terribly cold, I shivered. Another of my mom’s lessons came to me like it had been floating on the breeze. Always face your fears, for when you stare them down, they no longer hold power over you.
She was right. I could do this. I glanced up at Myles. “I’m ready.”
He stepped forward and opened the door for me, but before I stepped over the threshold, I felt a soft tremble in my body.
Ignoring the reaction, I forced myself to walk into the shop.
The guys stopped talking and looked at me as if waiting for me to break.
My hand clenched so tight that my nails dug into the palm of my hand.
My bay and car looked the same as I’d left them.
My stolen parts were on my worktable, and I walked in, remembering just how pissed off I’d been.
Turning in a small circle, I looked over at Axel’s work area.
I knew he was never coming back, but I could see his ghost in my mind, leering at me as he leaned against his table.
Scream all you want. No one can hear you, and no one is coming.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as sweat trickled down my back. I stepped out into the aisle and stared at my hands. I was still able to feel my nails scraping against the floor.
Get away from me.
Why? We’re just getting started.
My heart pounded harder in my chest, each thump loud in my ears as I followed the path Axel dragged me down.
Reaching the spot where he had finally pinned me, tears filled my eyes, but I refused to cry.
I stared at the quiet and harmless work area, and it felt like I had a foot in two different lives.
Myles wrapped his arm around my shoulder, but I was thankful he didn’t ask me if I was okay. I might not have been able to say yes.
“He’s never comin’ back, Snowflake,” Myles said, his voice as soft as his touch.
I nodded and let him guide me back the way I’d walked.
Each step was a victory and a loss at the same time.
I faced what happened to me and won, but I’d never be able to get back what I lost or fully mend the scars that were permanently under my skin.
Axel stole from me. Not only did he take my virginity, but he also took away my first time being with Myles.
Axel stole my freedom to make that choice, and most of all, he planted a seed of fear that I’d never enjoy being intimate with the person I loved.
I hated him. Even in death, I hated him, and I didn’t know if I had it in me to forgive him so that my soul could move on because right now, all I could picture was him burning in hell.
MARCH 6 – MONDAY 7:33 AM
Ren
I didn’t know where Vicky was going every weekend since she and Nash broke up, but I wouldn’t complain.
I snuck into the bedroom, not wanting to wake her as I got ready for my first day back to class, but she wasn’t there.
Her bed was still made, and it was obvious that she hadn’t spent the night. Thank you for small miracles.
Myles and Blake wanted me to stay with them, but in the short time that I’d been dating, my world had been consumed with them twenty-four hours a day.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but I’d missed so much in class and if I was honest it felt like I was hiding out by staying with them.
Buckling down and getting caught up had to become priority number one, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the two of them, it was impossible. They were the epitome of distraction.
Tilting my head back under the shower’s warm spray, I sighed as it ran over my aching muscles. Something so small shouldn’t feel like a win, but being in the room on my own and having a shower without every part of my body screaming in pain or wanting to cry my eyes out was a major win.
Grabbing the conditioner, I put a healthy dose in my hand and began rubbing it in. I really wasn’t looking forward to this first day back, but it was like ripping off a band-aid, and I wanted to get it over with.
Once more, I leaned back under the spray, only to scream as the curtain was whipped open. I covered myself, conditioner running into my eyes, but I didn’t need to see Vicky to know her hysterical laughter.
“So, you’re back. I thought I was being robbed.”
“Go away. I’m naked and busy here,” I said and turned my back on Vicky as I wiped the stinging soap from my eyes.
“Gladly. Just wanted to make sure someone wasn’t using my three-hundred-dollar shampoo.” The door slammed closed, and I rested my forehead against the tiles. I needed a new fucking room, but I’d settle for just a new roommate.
MARCH 6 – MONDAY 3:30 PM
Myles was right. I should’ve listened and waited one more day to come back to class. I sounded whiney in my head, but he was at a lacrosse game at an academy in San Francisco and would be gone for the night. This day had been a lot harder than I thought it would be.
The stares and snide comments were bad enough, but I’d overheard a group of guys wondering what I’d done with Axel.
The football team glared at me, and now, the pièce de résistance, Nash, took Myles’s empty spot and parked himself beside me for Russian class.
He was talking away to Chantry like they were old friends.
Unbelievable. Mr. Romanovich had given us the last twenty to go over our assignment and had stepped out.
Of course, no one was talking about their assignment, and the room was buzzing with random chatter.
“So, are you planning on showing up for community service this afternoon, or are you abandoning me again?”
Even knowing he was trying to get a rise out of me didn’t stop the violent thoughts. I rolled my eyes and turned to look at him.
“Yes, I plan on showing up. I wouldn’t want you to have to handle more garbage on your own. I’m surprised your pampered fingers haven’t run away by now.”
“Pfft, pampered my ass.”
“Oh really?” I leaned my elbow on the desk and spun my pen in my hand as I pointedly looked him up and down.
“So tell me, when was the last time you missed a meal? Or couldn’t buy the latest and most popular jeans?
How about the truck and sports car you have?
How many trips have you been on and flown in a private jet?
” I leaned a little closer, my voice dropping.
“How many times has your money bailed you out of trouble with the police? From where I’m sitting, that’s pretty pampered. ”
“It’s window dressing,” Nash said. “But when you pull back the curtains, you get a different story, and that one is far uglier.”
Okay, I couldn’t argue with that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t pampered, but trying to prove it without getting into airing dirty laundry wasn’t possible. I didn’t hate him quite enough to do that.