Chapter 18
18
GRAYSON
I knew I screwed up the minute I walked out the bedroom door after Ainsley’s confession. I listened to how she told me about being pregnant; that was shocking enough. But when she threw in the line about the abortion, it floored me. I can’t even explain the feeling; it rocked me to the core. It all stemmed from the fact that she didn’t tell me about it, especially after I shared my history, because we shared so much in general. Abortion wouldn’t be a route I would go, but given her circumstances, I can tell why she chose that. Six years later, the decision clearly still haunts her, and I had to go and make it worse.
I was mad, more so at the fact that she felt the need to hide it from me. I hate that she must think I judged her for having an abortion when that’s so far from the truth. But I made my bed and shouldn’t have been all too surprised to find her note the next morning.
I was truly surprised that with her hasty exit, she didn’t leave anything behind that had been hers before we got together, just stuff I’d bought for her. If she had asked, I would have told her to take it, that she deserved it. But if she had asked, I would have told her not to go. So there’s that.
When Bella came by and saw the note, she didn’t say a word, just grabbed the note and stomped away. Before the shower, she sent me a text.
FIX. IT.
TONIGHT!
You’re so demanding.
It’s all part of my charm. Love you!
After delivering the cupcakes to the restaurant, I spent some time on the boat, at the marina. I couldn’t get Ainsley off my mind, and I could picture her everywhere. It didn’t help that I found something of hers in the bedroom. And then I remembered the last time we had sex on the boat and how I didn’t stop myself. Now that I knew her history, no wonder she freaked.
I am so messed up. I fucked this up, big time. Bella was right; I had to fix it. There’s no way I can let this girl walk out of my life. She’s the best thing I’ve ever had. I have to plead my case; even if she doesn’t take me back, at least she’ll know I wasn’t judging her. She at least deserves that much.
I found myself at the bar with Caleb. When Dan brought over my obligatory beer, I drank it all and ordered another one. And then one more. I was by no means wasted, but there was no way I was driving either, so I had Caleb drop me off at Ainsley’s. I’d figure the rest out later; for now, I had to see her and explain.
Let me in.
Please.
When she opens the door, it’s about all I can do to not wrap her up in my arms, get her to drive us home, and make sweet love to her all night long. Instead, I go with a casual, “Hey.”
“Come in,” she tells me, opening the door even wider. She’s looking me up and down, taking in my rumpled appearance and the fact that I’m not walking entirely straight. “Have you been drinking?” she asks quietly. When I nod, she goes sheet white. “Please don’t tell me you drove here.”
I reassure her I did not. She seems quite relieved and asks if I want something to eat or drink.
“Coffee, please. I need to sober up for what I have to say to you.”
“Sit on the couch,” she instructs before walking away. She’s nervous, but underneath the nervousness, there’s a hint of happiness. I take in her appearance. Her yoga pants hug her ass and the tank is stretched across her chest, offering a nice view of her perky nipples.
I sit on the couch and look around at the surroundings. I’ve only been in her apartment a few times, waiting for her to grab her things. I’ve always been the kind of person who is most comfortable at my own house, even growing up. Since Ainsley’s never had any issue with us spending so much time at my house, we never spend time at her place. In fact, I’ve never seen her bedroom or used her bathroom. Quaint is a good word to describe it. She keeps it tidy, everything has its place. The off-white walls are bare, save for one photo of the quad where she went to college or where she works. There’s a lone bookshelf in the corner with about two shelves filled with books. There’s also one photo of her and her dad. It amazes me how little personal effects she has here. It makes the statement that this place isn’t permanent.
She carries two mugs over to me and hands me one. “Thank you,” I say as I accept it and take a sip. It’s been a little while since I finished the last beer so it won’t take too long for the coffee to kick in.
“How was the shower?” I ask to make small talk about a subject that shouldn’t be too uncomfortable. “Bella said the cupcakes were a huge hit. And she may have mentioned Kylie was drunk.”
She smiles. “Kylie was so drunk. She was puking in the bathroom when they brought out dessert. Don’t tell Bella though.” She laughs. “It was nice to see a different side of each of them. Kylie’s a fun drunk, and Bella was toned down a bit, still funny as hell, but watered down. And yes, the cupcakes were a huge hit. Thanks again for helping me frost them. I may have been commissioned to make some for a birthday party in two weeks and a baby shower at the end of the month. It’s a good thing they are smaller orders; it would be hard to make eight dozen in my tiny kitchen.”
That one stings a little, thinking she won’t be back in my kitchen.
In true Ainsley fashion, after she’s quiet for a bit, she asks, “Grayson, why are you here?” She looks at me, her eyebrows scrunched up in a quizzical look.
I take her underwear out of my pocket. “I found these on the boat and figured I should return them.” I don’t hand them over right away. I finger them in my hands, loving the feel of the satin against my fingertips.
“You came here to return my underwear?”
“Getting to return your underwear solidified my decision to come over,” I start. And then I go for broke. I move closer to her on the couch. She doesn’t flinch when I put my hand on her thigh nor when I tip her chin up in my fingers. I look into her eyes. They reflect what I’m sure mine show: regret and sadness. “I came to apologize. For walking out of the bedroom last night. For letting you think I was judging you. For being pissed.” I take a breath. Before I can continue, she speaks.
“I wanted to tell you so many times. I tried, I really did. The night you told me about Molly. The last night on the boat. You deserved to know; I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”
“You were worried I would judge you.” She nods. “And you think I did.” She nods again and then casts her gaze on her thighs. “Hey, look back at me.” Slowly she lifts her head and finds my gaze again. I scoot closer to her. “I can’t judge you for a decision you made six years ago, a decision you made for yourself that was best at the time. I’ve been in shoes very similar to yours, just on the guy’s side. Just because I made a different decision doesn’t mean that yours is wrong, or if I were in a similar circumstance to yours, maybe I would have made the same decision you did.” I take another deep breath. “I need to ask you a question, and I want an honest answer. Can you do that?”
“Yes.”
Giving it some thought, I realize it’s more than one. “Actually it’s two questions. Hope that’s okay.” Her mouth forms a small smile. I take that as my cue to continue. “I mean, it may be three. Let me see.” I pause for a moment, assessing the situation and once I’m satisfied with her expression, I ask my first question. “Do you regret your decision?”
“The easy answer to that question is no. I don’t regret making the decision not to be a mom at nineteen.” She stops. “But I have regrets.”
“You regret the act itself?” I ask, confident I’m correct in my thinking. I find her eyes again.
“Yes,” she whispers. “I’ve never gotten over it completely, and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will. In some ways, it was an easy decision to make because I didn’t want to have a baby at nineteen, but I also didn’t want to be pregnant so adoption wasn’t really an option. But in other ways, it was so damn hard. It is so damn hard to live with that decision.” The questions are taking their toll on her as I see the worry lines begin to appear around her eyes and lips.
“Okay, one more for tonight.” This one requires another deep breath. I place both of my hands on her thighs. “If I had been the father, would it have changed your decision?”
She doesn’t hesitate in her answer, and her gaze never falters from mine. Her emerald eyes lose some of their sadness. “Yes.” This time, it’s not a whisper.
She throws herself at my chest, wrapping her arms behind my back. I pull her onto my lap and return the hug. I close my eyes, inhaling her scent. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper in her hair. “Not just for my behavior last night.”
“I know,” she responds. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. ”
“We’re okay?” I ask hesitantly. I need her back in my life, in my house. The hours she was gone only today were far too many.
“Yes. I was so worried I fucked this up by not telling you. I would have been mad at myself forever.”
“You were worried?” I ask, pushing her back so I can see her expression. She’s startled at first. “I figured I would be the one who would have to grovel to get you back. I was so afraid of losing you. AM so afraid of losing you.”
“I feel like this whirlwind, whatever this is, should seem crazy to everyone, because let’s face it, I’ve known you less than two months and you all but moved me into your house. However, all of your friends and family think we belong together. And I gotta tell you. I agree.” Her face radiates happiness.
“You do not know how happy that makes me when you say shit like that.” My voice conveys my enthusiasm.
“I think I have a pretty good idea.” Teasing me, she takes one strand of her hair and starts twirling it around her fingers, smirking all the while. “Oh, by the way. Bella was right.”
“About what?”
“She said that you would come around by tonight.”
“That bitch! She set me up.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me? What did she do?”
I take my phone out of my back pocket and cue up Bella’s messages. I hand it to her so she can read it for herself. She chuckles when she reads them. “Oh, she totally set you up. She sent these messages right after she left my house.” And then her smile fades just a little. “You’re lucky you have her.”
“Every day, I’m grateful she wasn’t in the car with them. Every. Damn. Day.” I swallow back the lump that’s forming in my throat. “I love you, Ainsley. So damn much, it hurts. You get that?”
“Yeah, I pretty much do.” She takes one of my hands and places it over her heart and then places the other over my heart. She places one of her hands on top of each of mine and lightly squeezes them. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She gets that sparkle in her eye, the one that I can’t ever get enough of. She leans in close to me. “Want to see my bedroom?” she whispers, her voice full of sexual undertones.
“If by ‘see your bedroom,’ you mean ‘have sex in your bedroom one time before you don’t have the bedroom anymore,’ then yes, by all means, let me ‘see’ your bedroom.”
She jets off the couch, giggling the entire way down the hallway. I’m not even sure she caught what I said to her, but I don’t care. I sprint after her to “see” her bedroom. I don’t actually “see” anything, just Ainsley who gives me the best makeup sex in the history of makeup sex.
Twice.
W e both call in sick to work on Monday. We spend the day alternating between packing up her apartment (luckily that doesn’t take long) and having sex (luckily that does take long). Around dinnertime, there are boxes galore and almost everything is packed. Ainsley decides she will bring her stuff to my house and store what she doesn’t need in the attic. She’s not quite ready to get rid of the apartment just yet, and her lease is paid up until the end of summer so the bed will stay. For now.
Sitting on the couch, I watch her as she finishes packing a box of her books. “I want to cook you one last meal here,” I tell her. “I bet no one ever cooked for you here.”
She glances in my direction. She looks so cute, thinking hard about my statement. “I believe my father made me soup one time when I was sick. He may have just heated it up. There’s not much here to work with,” she says, joining me on the couch.
“Finish packing, and I’ll run to the store and grab what I need. I just need to borrow your car.”
“Keys are on the table by the door. Keep her safe.” She kisses me on the cheek. “I love you.”
“Ditto. Be right back. ”
When I get to the store, I grab the ingredients I need to make lasagna, one of Ainsley’s favorite comfort meals. Back at the apartment, she’s asleep on the couch, her students’ essays from her summer school class strewn around her on the floor and couch. Her hands are tucked under her chin, looking fucking adorable. I place a quick peck on her forehead, but she doesn’t stir. That’s about right, I think. She’s exhausted. There wasn’t much sleep going on last night. I get to work on dinner. She’s going to be starving when she wakes up.
Ainsley wakes up as I’m putting the lasagna in the oven. “How long was I asleep for? And did you make lasagna?” She takes a seat at the only table in the kitchen.
“You’ve been sleeping an hour or so, and yes, it’s lasagna.”
“I guess I’ve dropped enough hints about that one, huh?” she asks with a laugh.
“You sure did. But I actually happen to really like lasagna too, so it’s a win-win for both of us.”
“This kitchen kinda sucks compared to yours, am I right?”
“OUR kitchen,” I correct her. I take a seat across from her and grab her hands. “What’s mine is yours, darling.”
“Babe, you have a ’67 Mustang in OUR garage. I’m pretty sure that’s ‘yours’ and not ‘mine,’” she responds.
“I’ve been meaning to get myself another one.”
“Yeah, you keep mentioning that. Any year in particular you want?”
I think for a minute. “I think I like the 2015 model the best. I guess I’m just waiting for the right time to buy it.” Although lately, I think there’s less of a ‘right’ time and more of a ‘things happen when they are supposed to happen’ time.” Like meeting Ainsley that night at the bar. There’s been no doubt in my mind that I was supposed to be in that bar that night to meet this incredible beauty who has captured my heart and soul. It’s only a matter of time before I make her mine officially. Because the way I feel about her, that only comes around once in a lifetime, and I’m holding on to it for dear life and never letting go.