Chapter 12
Noah
As he wandered through James’ house, looking at all the photos of James as a gender affirmed adult, smiling with his arm around his mom’s back or his head resting on her shoulder, Noah couldn’t help but compare it to his own house.
“No baby photos?” he asked, trying to keep his tone as neutral as possible.
“Mom took them all down.”
Yeah, Noah had figured as much. The few times he’d heard James talk about his mom, and from what he’d heard from Aspen, James’ mom was an amazing woman. She’d supported James through his transition, was James and Leon’s biggest fan, and had also fought and beaten cancer.
“Do…your parents still have yours up?” James asked gently.
“Yeah. When I was home for Christmas, they managed to use my pronouns at least, but my name was still wrong on the stocking and at least half of the gifts.”
James looked a little overwhelmed by this revelation, so Noah didn’t say anything about how his dad had introduced him to Braxton’s fiancée with his dead name or how, at the grocery store later that same day, he’d overheard his mom tell someone on the phone how excited her “daughter” was to be an “aunt.” He’d assumed his parents probably slipped up more often when he wasn’t around, but those didn’t feel like slip-ups.
It felt like when he wasn’t around, his parents didn’t even try.
James changed the subject to Aspen and Leon, who were out exploring a pop-up museum in the city. Usually, that would be more appealing than Valentine’s Day drama, but the theme of the museum was Torture Throughout the Ages, and Noah was glad to have been spared from that.
Besides, James’ drama wasn’t really drama. He was just stupidly in love with Leon and was nervous to tell him.
“I still need to finish my gift for Leon,” James said as he opened the bottle of wine. “While also trying to figure out if I’m doing too much–or too little…or somehow both, because it feels like it might be both.”
Noah thought about how Charlie reacted anytime Aspen claimed they were being
“too much.”
He poured them both generous glasses of wine and waited until James had taken a healthy sip to say, “I know what you mean, but given what little I’ve seen of your relationship, I think it’s safe to say you’re not at risk of doing too much, so why don’t we focus on adding more to it?”
James grimaced. “I don’t know…it’s definitely possible that it’s too much. It… Well, let me just show you.”
Noah followed James up the stairs, prepared to find a cute, sentimental gift and easily talk James off the ledge.
Instead…
“Yes, I’m aware that it looks like a Hallmark threw up in here,” James said, an edge to his voice.
Noah slowly looked around the room, at the bundle of balloons and the explosion of tissue paper, tinsel, ribbon, and other crafting supplies.
He’d thought Aspen had gone a little overboard decorating Noah’s apartment, bringing over blankets, throw pillows, candles, and a heart-shaped soap dispenser. This was…somehow more than that.
“It does,” Noah said slowly. “But do you want to tell me about it anyway?”
James explained, with rising panic, that he had made Leon a memory book of all the shows, restaurants, and events they’d attended during their friendship and relationship.
He’d planned to hang some of the leftover ticket stubs and takeout menus from the basket handle like a mobile, while also stuffing the basket full of Leon’s favorite snacks.
There had been a bit of a logistical snafu, though, as it appeared James had enough supplies and presents to stuff three, possibly four baskets.
Noah was eternally grateful that he, Aspen, and Charlie had promised they wouldn’t be exchanging gifts.
Although Noah knew without a shadow of a doubt that Aspen was still going to do something cheesy.
Hell, he was pretty sure Charlie might as well, but Noah didn’t feel any pressure to go empty the store aisles of chocolates or balloons.
Maybe he would just copy James’ idea and share some of his favorite memories with Aspen and Charlie.
It’s like you just don’t care. I do all these big gestures for you, and the best you can do is this stupid bear?
That had been his ex, Morgan, shortly before they broke up with him at his office picnic.
They hadn’t liked the bear he bought for them for their six-month anniversary, even though he thought they had said they liked stuffed animals.
Noah didn’t really see the point in celebrating anniversaries, but it seemed important to them, so he’d at least tried.
Aspen liked stuffed animals, and anytime Noah bought them one, they paraded around with it for several days.
He wasn’t sure if they liked celebrating anniversaries.
They were nearing their six months, but instead of a celebration, they were going to have their long-awaited talk.
Maybe Noah would get them another stuffed animal?
Unless that would be weird. Would it seem like he was trying to bribe Aspen?
Noah shook away the thought and instead tried to assure James it wasn’t the end of the world if he had to make two baskets instead of one.
He even offered to take Leon out for coffee the following afternoon so James could decorate his apartment with the remaining decorations as a surprise.
Noah loved it when Aspen did that for him.
He wasn’t sure if it was romantic or not, but it was a kind gesture, right?
His exes had done nice things for him, too, although they always seemed to fade over time, as they grew tired of Noah and his inability to give the right gestures back.
“I’m confident doing too much isn’t a worry for you two,” Noah said firmly. “I feel like there’s no better time to go all out than at the beginning of a relationship. Those sorts of gestures seem to fade as the years pass.”
“Have things between you and Aspen…faded?”
He was rather surprised it had taken James this long to ask about his relationship with Aspen.
James and Leon hadn’t met Charlie yet, but he’d probably have questions about him, too.
Instead of delving into it right now, when James was clearly deflecting, Noah kept his answer simple.
“Oh, no. If anything, I think Aspen’s gestures of love get even more outlandish the longer you’re friends with them. ”
“And…you guys are just friends?”
That did seem to be the million-dollar question. “We’re best friends, who have really amazing sex–oftentimes by ourselves, but also with some of our other friends as well.”
He thought about leaving it there, but he was pretty sure Aspen had shared more than that with Leon. James had given Noah so much of himself tonight—the least Noah could do was offer a little in return.
“We’re still figuring ourselves out. We’re both polyamorous and, for the moment at least, not in romantic relationships with each other or anyone else.
” The next part seemed to spill from Noah’s lips, like the pink and white garland spilling out of the basket in front of him.
“I don’t…know if I ever want a traditional romantic relationship. ”
“Oh, are you aromantic?” James asked, pointedly not looking at Noah as he did so. He seemed to do that a lot, needing space and giving space when discussing tough subjects.
Unfortunately, this one was rather tough.
Since the fundraiser, Noah had done some research on reciprosexuality and everything he’d found fit him like a glove.
It felt like reading about gender dysphoria in his Sophomore Abnormal Psych class.
The words that had always existed in his head seemed to appear on the page, and reading them felt like validation of everything he’d always known about his gender.
The definition he found for reciprosexuality felt the same.
It was a relief to have a name, something he could tuck into his pocket in case he needed to pull it out later.
While he’d been researching, he’d also done some reading on the aromantic spectrum.
Okay, maybe “reading” was being a bit generous. He’d clicked on an article titled “How to know if you’re feeling romantic or platonic love.” That seemed like a good place to start, except that the first section was titled “Can alloromantic and aromantic folks ever be happy together?”
He’d quickly closed the browser and decided maybe he didn’t need to read anymore.
He already knew there was a difference between platonic and romantic love, because nothing he ever felt for his exes, or Charlie, or even Aspen, felt like it belonged on a greeting card.
His feelings for them weren’t a tangle, or a mess, but they also weren’t what people sang songs about—at least none he’d ever heard.
He’d watched Aspen go from love to in love to out of love with Ethan.
He’d watched some of his exes find new partners, and he was watching James fret over being in love with Leon.
Noah’s love wasn’t like that. The love he had for Aspen and Charlie didn’t morph or change.
There was no buildup to a final form or a sense of progression like he was approaching the end of a race.
Once he formed a connection and the thread was forged, it was there to stay.
Some shone brighter than others, but as he stood there in James’ room, surrounded by hearts and tinsel, he knew he would never be able to claim he’d “fallen in love” with Charlie or Aspen.
He loved them, with his entire being, but it just didn’t seem the same as the romantic love everyone talked about.
“This actually isn’t the first aspec discussion I’ve had this year,” Noah admitted. “Which, in and of itself, seems like it might be a sign.”
“I know it’s a bit of a spectrum,” James said gently.
For some reason, it reminded Noah of how Rachel sometimes spoke to him…and was probably going to speak to him when he came to her with this new revelation.