Chapter Seventeen Taryn
Exactly the same as when we were in high school, Danny attracted all the girls in college. He couldn’t seem to help it. They’d see him walking across campus or sitting in the library or the Union and would walk right up and start flirting with him. While I had no idea how he responded when I wasn’t around, when I was with him, he was polite and mildly flirty, which I didn’t think he could help. He didn’t outright encourage their attention, but he didn’t turn it away either.
Which meant nothing between us had changed despite the way he liked to touch me sometimes. If he were any other guy, I’d think those subtle touches—a brush of my hair over my shoulder, a slide of his hand down my arm, the occasional arm around my waist—were his way of letting me know he was interested in pursuing something more than friendship. But this was Danny, and none of that meant anything.
Exactly the same as in high school, we studied together a couple of nights a week. We started out studying at the library or the Union where I witnessed firsthand the football groupies vying for his attention. After a while, I finally gave in to his begging and invited him over to my place for study nights. Without the distraction of girls stopping by to flirt with him, we did get more done, and I didn’t have to hide my irrational hurt at seeing him basking in the attention of other women.
The only strange difference was the fact he skipped football parties. The Wildcats were on a roll, winning their first four games of the season, but Danny had yet to attend one of their celebratory parties, opting instead to do something with me. We went to the movies or bowling or hung out with Zoe, playing video games at her place because she owned a console and I didn’t. Maybe he’d moved on from the party scene after being in the military. Whatever. At this point in the semester, we’d sort of fallen into a routine—something friends did.
A guy in one of my communications classes, Josh Snow, had started the semester paying attention to me. He was handsome in a businessman sort of way with his form-fitted button-downs tucked into dressy jeans that showed off his lean physique. His artfully messy hairstyle and tortoiseshell glasses gave him kind of a hot GQ vibe. By the fourth class, he’d started sitting next to me and comparing notes. Once or twice we’d grabbed a coffee after class. He didn’t fire me up the way Danny did, but he was available and obviously interested, which was way more than Danny had ever been.
While he had yet to ask me out on a regular date, I sensed he was working up to it. So of course I talked the possibility over with Zoe one Saturday when the ’Cats were playing out of town.
“Do you think it’s fair to lead Josh on with the way you’re hung up on Danny?” she asked as she swirled her ice cream in her bowl.
“Do you think it’s fair to mash the hell out of ice cream?” Ever since we were kids, she’d insisted on turning hard ice cream soft before she’d eat it.
“Ice cream should always be soft,” she said with a sniff. “And don’t change the subject.”
With a sigh, I said quietly, “For a while last fall, I wasn’t hung up on Danny at all.”
My friend’s sympathetic expression came perilously close to pity. “That didn’t turn out well either.”
I lamented shoving in a mouthful of mint chocolate chip when it gave me a brain freeze. After taking a few seconds to recover, I said, “But for a while, I wasn’t hung up on him. With any luck, Josh isn’t a jerk like Aaron.”
Of course, I hadn’t told my friend the reason Aaron had turned out to be a jerk—which was the reason I needed to be honest about and not date Josh. Or dream about dating Danny. Because if I dated anyone, we’d end up in the same place I’d ended up with Aaron, and any man with a normal sexual appetite would absolutely run from there.
“You’re right. I can’t date Josh.”
Zoe’s eyes popped. “Are you finally going to tell Danny how you really feel?”
Staring over my shoulder at my friend seated on the opposite side of the couch, I said, “Have you lost your mind? I do not need the humiliation of his pity when he tells me he’ll never feel the same. The status quo is working fine. We’ll get through this year, I’ll graduate, and go somewhere out of state to grad school, far away from him.” I spooned another bite of ice cream, willing the conversation I’d started to end.
“Uh-huh. You keep telling yourself that, girlfriend.”
I had no choice. I couldn’t deceive someone I was dating. When he wanted to take the dating up a notch, I’d have to do the right thing and walk away because no way would I ever expose my weirdness to someone I cared about. Better not to start anything in the first place.
“I will. Just like you’ll choose to follow Natalia when we restart Fallout .” With a smirk, I picked up my game controller and hoped my gambit worked.
I never should have asked my friend for advice, especially when I knew in advance her advice would be spot-on and I wouldn’t like it.
The following Thursday I walked out of Reed Hall with Josh. Soon he was going to ask me out on a real date, and I was going to have to turn him down. But for now it was only flirty fun that gave me a tiny boost of confidence. We were kind of bumping shoulders as we walked along the sidewalk talking about nothing when suddenly Danny was standing in front of us.
“Need to talk to you, T.” He dismissed Josh with a nod. “Now.”
I glared at him. How dare he be so rude? “What’s so important it can’t wait?”
“It’s private, T.”
His use of his nickname for me in front someone he didn’t know sent its own kind of message. He shot another glance at Josh who seemed to be picking up a signal only guys could read or something because he put his hands up in surrender and backed away.
“Got it, man. See you around, Taryn.”
My hand missed connecting with his arm as Josh started walking away. “Josh. Wait.”
Though he turned, he continued walking backward. “Nah. Seems you have some unfinished business. When you finish it, let me know.” He turned on his heel and headed toward the middle of campus.
“What the hell, Danny?”
He could flirt outrageously with whoever, wherever, whenever he felt like it, but I met someone who made me feel seen, and he had to run the guy off? Even though nothing was ever going to happen with Josh, Danny had no right to stick his nose in and scare him off before I was ready. I was so angry, I guess I didn’t pay attention to the way Danny was bristling until he grabbed my hand and all but dragged me as I stumbled along beside him to a quiet spot behind Reed Hall.
“Why were you with that guy? We are dating , T.”
I blinked, all the anger and indignation whooshing out of me as I tried to make sense of his words. What had gotten into him? Opting for humor, I smiled indulgently. “We hang out. We don’t date. That’s never been us. From the moment we met, we’ve only been friends. You’re my best friend, but—”
Planting a finger against my lips, he stopped my words. He raked his other hand through his hair, which was now curling over the collar of his shirt—so sexy—and I think he growled before he said, “What do you call spending every weekend together doing things like shooting pool and bowling and going to movies, huh?”
“Hanging out.” I sucked in a breath at the intensity of his glare. Let it out. “People who hang out have an emotional relationship. You have that with your Air Force buddies, your football teammates... me. People who date have an emotional relationship deepened with a physical one.” Gesturing between us, I stated the obvious. “We aren’t nor have we ever been physical.” Pacing a few steps, I put some distance between us. “You friend-zoned me the second we met over five years ago, and nothing in all that time has changed.” I chuckled as a memory flashed in my head. “Remember that one slow dance we danced at my junior prom? You could have driven your car between us and not gotten a shine.”
A weird expression played over his face, and then somehow he was right in my space as his hand found its way beneath the hair on my neck, firmly holding my nape while he leaned in and took my mouth. Time stopped as he pressed his lips to mine. Blood pounded in my ears, my hands went numb, and my belly bottomed out. When at last he moved, it was to press his thumb to a spot behind my ear, angling my head how he wanted it as he nibbled at my mouth.
Still in shock at what was happening, I remained still until his thumb began stroking that sensitive spot. On the ghost of a sigh, my lips barely parted, but it was all the invitation he needed. When our tongues touched, fireworks exploded behind my eyelids. From some faraway place I heard groans and whimpers as we took our time exploring each other in the best first kiss of my life. Lightning skittered over and under my skin, electrifying my body with excitement. My nipples turned to hard, achy pebbles inside my bra while my heart pounded simultaneously in my chest and my clit—a heavy rhythm that left me raw with need. It was only when he pulled back to press another closed-mouth caress to my lips that I figured out those groans and whimpers were coming from the two of us. The shock of that realization jerked me right out of the trance his kisses wove over me.
“What the fuck, Danny?” I’d intended for that to come out forcefully not as a pathetic whisper. Somewhere along the line, my palms had found their way to his muscled chest, so I pushed him away and fought for air. “You don’t want me—have never wanted me—this way. Now someone else shows an interest, and you kiss me? Like that?”
“T.” He took one step toward me.
I took one step back. “Friends don’t play head games with their friends, Danny.” I let that sink in. “Maybe we need a break from spending so much time together.”
“No, T.”
I thought he sounded a touch desperate, but after what had just happened between us, I couldn’t trust myself to read him correctly.
“Yes, Danny.”
Without another word I tossed away my dignity and blew past him. In two steps I was in a full-out sprint. I was still running when I raced through the door some guy had just opened as he was about to enter the Union.
In the back stall of the restroom nearest that door, I dropped my backpack to the floor and sat down on the covered toilet seat. Hard. Only then did I let the tears flow.
Why would he do that? Wasn’t it enough that he’d run off only the second guy who’d shown any real interest in me since I’d arrived at Mountain State? I was a senior in college who’d had exactly one— one —boyfriend ever, thanks to that asshole Derek Watson in high school and my own awkwardness with guys since. Derek’s interference meant I hadn’t had much experience with men. And after what I’d discovered about myself with that one boyfriend, it wasn’t like I’d ever have another—especially not Danny.
But couldn’t I at least let myself entertain the idea with Josh for a little while? Enjoy a man’s attentions for a minute? Danny had never once made a pass at me in high school, not even when he’d taken pity on me after Derek blacklisted me with every other guy in an attempt to make me miss my junior prom. Danny had eventually asked me to go with him. As friends.
The closest we’d come to touching each other was that one utterly middle-school-style slow dance and when he’d stood behind me with his hand sort of hovering over the side of my waist as the photographer shot our official prom pic.
Then he’d come home from the Air Force to attend Mountain State and started acting strange.
Danny’s new touchy-feely stuff had started after I mentioned his teammates coming into the Coffee Kiosk and inviting me to their parties. And he only touched me in front of other people. Not once during all the evenings we’d spent studying in my cubbyhole of an apartment had he offered to so much as brush past me—which he could have easily passed off as an accident in my tiny space.
The fact he’d all of a sudden decided it would be fun to fuck with my head now was what hurt the most. I’d fallen hard for him from the moment I first saw him, and all he’d wanted from me was friendship. So I’d settled for that. Friendship was infinitely better than not having him in my life at all. Over all these years, I’d worked hard at being the best friend I could be: his sounding board with his bully of a dad, his literal cheerleader on the field and off, his pal to hang out with when no one else was around, his wingwoman.
God, his wingwoman . Aside from Hailey, who was just too, too much, I’d introduced him to nice girls like Sophie from work, who was sweet and goofy, and my friend Nina, who’d been in almost all my required classes since freshman year. Nina was exactly his type—athletic (she was on the dance team), funny, bubbly, not in a hurry to get serious with anyone. Then there was Tracey who we’d run into one night playing pool at the Molly. She was kind of a wild thing—super-pretty with zero filter. I adored her and thought Danny would find her to be a good time too. Yet he’d passed on all of them. Obviously, I didn’t know his type anymore, but that didn’t mean he needed to be an asshole to me—or to Josh.
I lost track of time as I sobbed my heart out. In a bathroom stall in a public building. Pathetic. It was only when I’d run out of tears that I noticed my phone vibrating in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Danny’s name across the screen and also the time. I had exactly three minutes to make it to my next class—time I had zero intention of spending on someone who thought so little of me.
After setting my phone on “Do Not Disturb,” I dragged myself from the stall, filled my hands with frigid water from the sink, and buried my face in it in the hopes of disguising some of the puffiness from forty straight minutes of crying. As I dried off, I remembered I had a pair of sunglasses in my backpack. For once I wished I was one of those women who kept a makeup bag handy, as my Rudolf-red nose could do with a whole tube of concealer, but maybe since I was going to have to race to class, no one would notice. Or if they did, they’d pass off my mess of a face to exertion from running across campus with a heavy backpack strapped to my shoulders.
I slid into the back of the lecture hall five minutes late, but the prof had already dimmed the lights and cued up his slides. For the next hour, I stared at the screen and willed the tears that tried to return to stay bottled up until I could go somewhere private. It was only after the lights came on that I realized I hadn’t even opened my backpack and didn’t have the first clue what had happened in class.