CHAPTER NINETEEN #2
“No, I’m sure it wasn’t.” Gavin picked up his chopsticks again. “That doesn’t mean I should have been expected to … to make up for all that, or whatever.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” Thad agreed.
“So as far as why I went off the rails, I suppose it was a combination of things. And I think I felt … constricted by all of the expectations. I’ve wondered for a long time if some of it was because I was gay.”
Thad frowned. “I’m not sure I get what you mean.” He popped another piece of spicy tuna into his mouth.
“Well, come on. I was gay and there were no gay players in the NHL at the time.” Gavin gave him a pointed look.
“You think you were self-sabotaging?”
Gavin shrugged. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” Thad said slowly, mulling over the idea in his head. He’d never considered that angle of it before.
“That’s been in the back of my head for a while, but Dakota also suggested it recently and the more we talked about it, the more I got this gut feeling that he’s onto something there.”
“You’re dating a smart man,” Thad said.
Gavin chuckled. “Don’t I know it.”
“Too good for you,” Thad joked.
But Gavin shot him a rueful smile and shrugged. “Also probably true.”
“Well, maybe don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Thad said. Graham was unquestionably a better person than he was. “Just be grateful.”
As if Gavin could tell where Thad’s thoughts had gone, he asked, “How are things going with your guy? I know you went home with that woman last night. How did your guy react? Were you trying to make him jealous?”
Thad really, really didn’t want to answer those questions, especially because he’d either have to lie to his brother’s face or tell him something that might make him guess who Thad was talking about.
So, he decided to go with deflection instead. “Un-uh,” he said, reaching for another piece of sushi. “We were talking about your issues. Not mine.”
Gavin let out a noisy exhale but picked up his chopsticks. “You’re an asshole.”
“Takes one to know one,” Thad pointed out with a laugh. “So, back to the idea of you self-sabotaging because you didn’t want to be closeted in the NHL. You think that’s a possibility?”
“I don’t know.” Gavin absently clicked the wooden sticks. “Maybe. It feels like it could be true.”
“What would you have done if any of the GMs told you to hide who you were?”
Gavin glanced up with a wry smile. “You really think they didn’t?”
“What?” Thad asked, sitting up straight. He’d never heard Gavin say anything about it.
“They knew about me,” Gavin said, staring down at his container of fish and rice. “They knew I was gay. They told me … they told me I had to pick hockey or being openly gay.”
Thad gave a low whistle. “They flat-out said that?”
“Ehh,” Gavin said. “No. It was subtler. Very slick business doublespeak about appearances being important and not wanting to distract from the game and all that bullshit.”
“Oh, exactly the way you talk now?” Thad fired back.
Gavin’s smile was rueful. “Well, maybe in press conferences. I try not to talk to my players like that.”
“Yeah, fair enough,” Thad said.
Gavin was known for being quite casual with his guys, and maybe that was partially why. Maybe his experience had soured him on that approach.
Gavin let out a soft, bitter laugh. “The stupid thing is, when I sat in those meetings and talked to those GMs about it, it actually sounded reasonable. And of course, Mom and Dad thought it was.”
Thad grimaced. “Yeah. I bet they did.”
They’d never been gung-ho on the idea of Gavin being out. They’d talked about how it would limit his options and there would be time for “all that” later. As if being gay was something a person could set aside for a couple of decades and pick up later.
Jesus, no wonder Gavin had been a fucking mess then.
Thad had avoided the whole issue by never openly talking about anyone he was interested in and letting his family and the league assume he was straight, not bi.
Which had left Gavin dealing with the brunt of it on his own. Fuck. That didn’t feel so good in hindsight.
“They would have been perfectly fine with you being closeted your whole fucking career, wouldn’t they?” Thad asked, appalled by the realization.
“Who? Mom and Dad? Or the GMs I talked to?”
“I meant Mom and Dad. But honestly, both.”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
Hmm. This theory of Dakota’s was starting to feel more and more likely. “You dating Dillon, that was you trying to rebel,” Thad said slowly. “Both because he was a guy and because he was a troublemaker.”
“Probably.” Gavin sighed. “At the time, I thought it was because he was really good at sucking my dick.”
Thad almost choked on his sushi. “TMI, dude. T-M-I.”
Gavin shot him a grin, but it looked a little forced. “You think Dakota’s right then?”
“It does all seem to add up,” Thad admitted.
“I was afraid of that.” Gavin pushed his sushi around on the tray, then set it down again. “I feel a little sick thinking about the way I acted then. I thought I was such a fucking badass at the time and it turns out I was … just a scared little boy.”
“You had every reason to be,” Thad said with a shrug. “I mean, that was a shit ton of pressure you were under. You were good, Gav. There would have been a lot of eyes on you.”
“There would’ve been.”
“And you were getting told by our parents and by your future employers that you had to hide who you were. That there was something wrong with being gay.”
“Yeah.” Gavin ran a hand through his hair.
“So maybe you lashed out the only way you knew how.”
“By trying to be such a dickbag no one wanted to draft me?”
Thad chuckled softly. “Is that such a crazy idea? It was the only thing you had any control over.”
Gavin’s expression was conflicted. “Fuck. And all you were trying to do at the time was protect me.”
“It didn’t really work though, did it?”
Gavin scoffed. “You fucking went to prison for me. Yeah, it worked.”
Thad gave him a tight smile. “It doesn’t really matter now, anyway.”
“Yeah, it does.” Gavin leaned forward. “It fucking does. And with every day that passes, I hate it a little more that you sacrificed your future for mine. That you’re going to spend the rest of your life carrying that around with you instead of me.”
“Too late to change it now,” Thad said thickly, glancing away, staring blankly out the doors that led to a small balcony overlooking the main practice rink.
“I suppose.” There was silence for a moment. “Thad?”
He glanced over to see his brother staring at him with a worried frown.
“What?”
“Why are you so unwilling to see if you can smooth things over between me and Mom and Dad? I know it’ll be a shitload of work to do but …”
“I’m afraid it’ll make you spiral again,” Thad blurted out.
When there was only silence, he looked over to see Gavin staring at him. “What?” he finally said, his voice hoarse.
“I—I’m afraid you’ll start to spiral. I know you’re not going to like … start doing drugs and rob an electronics store again or anything. But you had that heart issue last season and you’re trying to reduce your stress, and you always get fucked-up about Mom and Dad.”
“Well …” Gavin spread his hands as if to say there was a reason why.
“No, I know.” And after what Gavin had said, that worried Thad even more. Thad pushed his tray of food away, all appetite completely gone. Even the smell of soy sauce made him feel vaguely queasy now. “Mom and Dad are kinda fucked-up.”
“So if our parents are so fucked-up, why were you so intent on repairing your relationship with them?” There was a sharp note to Gavin’s tone now.
Thad shrugged. “My therapist thinks I still want their approval.”
“You have a therapist?” Gavin looked so surprised it almost made Thad laugh aloud.
He rolled his eyes instead. “Yes. Why is everyone so shocked by this?”’
“Because you acted like a total toolbag when you showed up here last fall?”
Thad tossed a napkin at his head. “Like you’ve never had your moments.”
“Yes, but we’re talking about your issues now.” Gavin’s smile was a touch smug.
“I think I liked it better when we were talking about yours.”
They squabbled for a few minutes before Gavin sobered. “Seriously though. Your therapist thinks you want Mom and Dad’s approval?”
“Well,” Thad said. “Why the fuck do you want to talk to them?”
“I miss them,” Gavin said, so softly that for a moment Thad wondered if he’d imagined it. But he looked up, his expression conflicted. “I know they’re kinda fucked-up, but, you know, I miss them.”
“Yeah,” Thad said softly. “I get that.”
Because he really, really did. In prison, he’d had nothing but time to think about his family.
To think about the way their desire to fit in with the neighbors and show off their perfect life had kept them from visiting him in prison.
The way they’d been so ashamed of what he and Gavin had done they’d moved out of state for a while.
It was only after Thad had a respectable job that they’d been willing to talk to him again.
And he’d been angry at them. Angry and hurt and disappointed.
But he’d still missed them.
And that was maybe the most fucked-up part of it all.