CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Thad could think of a thousand things he’d rather do than be here tonight.
Pick up Murphy’s poop, scrub the toilet in his studio apartment, lick his second-hand hockey gear immediately after a hard practice …
But on Christmas Eve, he followed Gavin through a maze of tables in the upscale Pittsburgh restaurant anyway.
They were spending the holidays in Pittsburgh and had traveled ahead of the team.
Gavin and Thad were having dinner with their parents tonight while Dakota and Graham hung out.
Gavin had asked Thad to arrange the dinner, and he had, reluctantly, agreed.
Tomorrow, they’d celebrate Christmas with Graham’s family—Gavin and Dakota had been invited too—then play a game on the 26th in Pittsburgh, attend Cory’s wedding on the 27th, then travel to Philadelphia for a game on the 28th.
It was a lot to cram in a short period of time, but that wasn’t what had Thad’s stomach lurching queasily as Walker and Saundra Racine stood to greet them.
Thad dutifully kissed his mom’s cheek and shook his dad’s hand, and as he took a seat at the table across from them, he wondered why the hell he’d agreed to it.
Why he’d even reestablished contact with them in the first place last year.
At the time, it had felt like the final piece of the puzzle. The final step in righting his life and getting back what he’d lost.
But as the four of them made small talk over appetizers, it all felt oddly hollow.
On paper, Thad and Gavin might be related to these people by blood, but it felt like Thad didn’t know them at all. And the worst part was, he wasn’t sure he liked them.
He was pretty sure he actively disliked them, actually.
Especially when compared to Graham’s family.
In the past month, Thad had received regular texts from Brody—mostly sports-related, but also what were clearly overtures of friendship, including inviting him, along with Graham, to a low-key bachelor party a few weeks ago that happened to fall on a night the team didn’t play.
In Boston, where neither Brody nor any of the groomsmen lived.
A pickleball mini tournament, dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant, and ending the night at a club specializing in cigars and brandy would never have been Thad’s top choices for how to spend an evening, but he’d gone and had a surprisingly good time.
He’d even allowed Graham to pay for the majority of the night out.
Brody’s friends were fun and, despite their cushy jobs, sounded more envious than anything about Thad’s work for the Harriers.
They hadn’t blinked at his relationship with Graham either, and by the end of the night, Thad had exchanged numbers with a few of them, with promises to meet up the next time they were in the same city.
Cory had asked for his opinion about some of the wedding photography poses and he’d offered his input and made a few suggestions she’d liked.
During a video chat, she’d told him he was far more helpful than her brother.
He’d told her that sounded about right. She’d laughed so hard she'd nearly tripped over a rug.
Thad had exchanged some texts with Paul and Angela too—primarily about wedding-related events and plans for the holidays—but at one point he’d felt bold enough to send her some info about Harlan’s work and she’d responded with what seemed like sincere and genuine interest in learning more.
Thad and Graham would be staying with the Pennington family for the next few days during the wedding festivities and, to his surprise, he was looking forward to it.
But tonight was supposed to be an opportunity for the Racine family to come together and yet, it all rang hollow.
The condescending way their mom responded to Gavin praising Thad’s accomplishments with the social media department set his teeth on edge.
The way his dad tightened his lips when Thad told his parents how much he liked Dakota grated on Thad’s nerves.
What I wouldn’t give to have Dakota here now, Thad thought with a sense of despair as the waiter cleared their appetizer plates and replaced them with salads. He loved Graham, and having him here would be good too, but Dakota had a knack for handling difficult conversations.
He said as much to Gavin under his breath.
Gavin chuckled. “Welcome to my world. I always wish I had him around. He’s so much better at navigating this tricky stuff than I am.”
But Gavin wanted this reunion with their parents. So Thad would keep trying to make it happen.
He asked his dad about his work in finance and nodded at his mom’s talk about her volunteer work.
It was the type of volunteering Thad hated.
The kind that was entirely performative and designed to impress people without doing any substantial work or changing much of anything for anyone.
“The girls in my volunteer group have been so sweet. They can’t stop praising how understanding we’ve been about your little”—she cleared her throat—“mistake, Thad.”
“Mistake?” Gavin asked before Thad could get the word out.
“Well, yes. I mean, his”—she dropped her voice— "time in prison.”
“He did it for me,” Gavin hissed, leaning forward. “He is the only reason we’re all here tonight, in fact. You know that, right?”
Thad felt a flash of emotion go through him at how quickly Gavin leaped to his defense. They had come a long way in the past year, hadn’t they?
“Oh, I suppose,” she said, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. “Still. Oh, did you know the group also writes to prison inmates?”
“Something you couldn’t bother to do while I was there,” Thad pointed out, though he kept his voice low and even, a smile pasted on his face.
“You have to understand, sweetheart,” she said. “It was such a trying time for us then. Your father and I had been through so much dealing with Gavin’s attitude then and—”
“Yeah, about that,” Thad said before he could stop himself. “Do you think maybe it was a mistake to force him to hide his sexuality? Do you think maybe that had an impact on his attitude then?”
Gavin shot him a warning look, and he clamped his mouth shut.
Shit. He was letting her goad him into an argument when he’d promised Gavin he’d behave tonight.
“But we didn’t force him to do anything,” she said. “Just encouraged him to make smart choices.”
Gavin let out a strangled noise. Thad wasn’t sure if it meant “yeah right” or “look how well that turned out” but either way, Thad agreed.
“Let’s discuss something more pleasant now, Saundra,” their father said.
But she looked Thad in the eye and kept talking. “You know what things were like then. It wasn’t a thing people were accepting of. We were merely looking out for him, making sure he didn’t ruin his chances at the NHL.”
“You understand right, son?” their father asked.
Thad wasn’t sure which of them he was talking to, but Gavin nodded and spoke. “I do. I don’t agree with it, but I understand you felt that way at the time.”
Thad shoved a forkful of lettuce into his mouth to keep from saying something much stronger. Something he’d regret.
Awkward silence descended on the table and after a few moments, Gavin cleared his throat.
“Did you know Thad’s dating someone now too?” He asked. “Graham Pennington. He’s a great guy. One of our top-line wingers.”
“Yes, I saw that online. It really is about time you settled down, isn’t it, Thad?” his mom said. “Shame it isn’t with a woman though. Your brother is a lost cause there but at least you could have carried on the Racine name. It would have been so lovely to have another set of twins in the family.”
She sighed wistfully. “You could have named them Thaddeus and Gavin too. Like you two were named after my father and his twin.”
Thad wasn’t sure he wanted any kids, much less twins, but he bristled at her implication that he’d thrown away his chance by being with a man.
“You do know it’s still possible for either of us to have kids, right?” he pointed out. “Dakota and Gavin could do it and so could Graham and I, if we wanted. There are ways.”
“It isn’t the same,” she said with a wave of her hand. “I know it’s possible but it seems so … so cold and artificial. I could weep when I think of all those wasted years you spent …”
“Wasted years?” Thad asked, looking up from his salad.
“Well, yes.” She glanced over the rim of her gin and tonic. “That time you spent in prison. And honestly, no wonder you ended up with a man after that terrible experience.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Thad hissed because he didn’t know what to say about any of that bullshit.
He felt Gavin’s hand land on his arm, gripping tight, and he took a deep breath. “Sorry. Look, uh, Dad’s right. Let’s talk about something else.”
It was either that or he’d blow his top, flip the table, and storm out in a rage.
The waiter arrived to take their salads, and their entrees appeared a moment later.
Thad’s stomach tightened at the artfully arranged medium rare lamb chops with mint gremolata, au gratin potatoes, and lightly sauteed chard on his plate, suddenly remembering the gluey mashed potatoes and gray slabs of meatloaf with corn slopped on a tray he’d often eaten in prison.
Right now, he’d take the slop in a heartbeat.
He was so angry he wasn’t sure he could choke down a bite of the expensive dinner.
When the waiter was gone, his mom picked up her highball glass again.
“You know, Thad, I will never understand why you jumped the gun. Confessing to everything so your brother wouldn’t get in trouble. I know he probably talked you into it but—”
“What?” Thad said through gritted teeth. “What are you talking about? He never once asked me to. I did it of my own accord.”
“Well, I’ll never understand it,” she said with a shrug.
No, no they wouldn’t understand making a huge sacrifice for someone they loved, Thad realized. And oh, that hurt. Because now he finally understood they had never loved him or Gavin the way they should have.
“Thad, you were never as talented of a player as he was, so in the end I suppose it was better it was you instead of him,” their father said, finally looking up from his steak.