Chapter 5
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking agreeing to have lunch with him. The ache I feel in my heart has now turned to a stabbing pain, a wound that I thought was healing has just ripped wide open.
This situation is no different from what I left, but this time I won’t be oblivious to it. Kai’s only plan for me is to get me in the sack and leave.
I’m not interested in that, nor am I interested in a relationship. The reason I left New York was to put my past behind me and heal. Healing is not hooking up with some random guy who possibly has an STD. Things are still too raw, too real, and before I can stop them, the tears begin to fall.
My rental is in the distance, blurry and distorted, but the color makes it stand out, and I can’t get there fast enough. Solace and calm, deserted and alone.
I need time to process what I’ve gone through with Sean, and I haven’t done that.
If anything, I took off, leaving it behind and hoping I left my broken heart and my busted feelings with it.
That didn’t happen. All I’ve done is push them into the back of my mind and foolishly accepted a date with a fuck boy.
I push the key into the lock, but as I do, the pineapple hanging on the front door swings loose from the nail holding the top.
It pendulum swings back and forth for a few seconds, ultimately stopping so it’s now hanging upside down.
“Fucking great,” I mutter, running my hand over where a nail hole now sits, but no nail remains. Looking down at the ground, I swipe at my eyes, trying to rid them of the tears, but everything still looks hazy. Finding that missing nail will be impossible.
But I still drop to my knees, feeling around on the worn wooden decking as my tears leave wet blotches in my path.
I don’t even know what I’m doing—a distraction of sorts—but it’s not working. If anything, it’s just making me cry harder, my mind filled with images of Sean on top of that girl, and then they change to Kai and the waitress.
Why?
He isn’t my boyfriend. I have no right to think about him like that, and he can fuck that waitress all he wants. I just won’t be waiting in the sidelines stupidly and unaware. I’m not a doormat, even if I clearly was before.
Collapsing on the deck, I pull my knees up to my chest and just cry. Hard, chest-heaving, painful sobs because I haven’t given myself a chance to just feel. To let out all the pain and the tears I’ve held back, somehow thinking living in paradise would take away everything I’ve kept bottled up.
It didn’t work, and now I’m sobbing uncontrollably under the tropical sun and the warm ocean breeze. I guess if I’m going to have a mental breakdown, this is the place to do it.
But it’s the distance from Sean that brought me here. Far enough away that he couldn’t hop a plane and beg me to take him back. There’s anonymity here, and my place is far enough off the road that no one can hear me wailing.
Burying my face in my knees, I just cry, cathartic and cleansing sobs, letting it all out. But I feel him before I see him—a pulsing energy that feels like it should be a warning.
A presence and a scent that makes my body war with itself as my heart aches for love, but my brain is screaming at me to run.
Run.
Just like I did earlier.
I don’t have the strength to do it right now.
“You alright, Quinn?” Kai asks, sliding down so he’s sitting next to me, but I don’t look over at him. I push my forehead into my knees, not wanting him to see me like this. He’s the kind of guy who would thrive on knowing he upset me.
But this isn’t even about him. He just happened to be here.
His fingers brush along my cheek, reaching my hair to tuck it behind my ear, exposing my tear-stained face to him. Turning now so I’m fully facing him, my head still resting on my knees, the tears still fresh.
“What’s going on? I thought we were having a good time?” he asks, thoroughly confused, and rightfully so. I bailed without explanation, but I really don’t owe him one.
I didn’t think he’d come to find me. I thought it would be over.
“How’d you find me?” I question, my words soft and exhausted. I’m spent, but my tears just won’t seem to run dry.
“I could hear you sobbing from the road,” Kai says, smirking at me as he tosses a soft elbow into my side.
He pauses, taking in my face, and just when I expect him to get up and walk away, he sweetly and calmly wraps an arm around me, and I lean into the warmth of his body.
“Wanna tell me what’s up?” His question is asked with complete sincerity, and there’s this weird feeling of safety that buzzes around him.
Maybe it’s that he really is a complete stranger, and sharing the most intimate details of my life feels easier when it’s not someone I know. A lack of judgment or whatever. I could leave here tomorrow, and Kai would just be a blip on a long life.
The only person who knows Sean and I have broken up is my sister. Although I’d wager my life’s savings that it’s spreading like wildfire. I haven’t allowed myself to look.
Blinking a few times, a headache beginning to set in, the words start to pour out of me like I’ve sprung a leak. They flood everywhere, covering everything with raw honesty and words I didn’t dare speak out loud.
I tell him how I ache, how I feel useless and stupid, taken advantage of, but that I also want Sean to want me.
I want him to search for me, beg me to take him back, to make me feel like I’m not shattered into a million pieces.
I want to hurt him the way he hurt me, but I’m so fucking broken that I can’t.
My emotions are a mess, desperate for closure, desperate for reprieve, but all I do is ache, painful and deep.
I let myself replay what happened in my head instead of pushing it away. I let it break me, ruin me and burn me to the ground.
Because I want to rise from this.
Learn from this.
After I’ve unloaded on Kai, ugly cried, and pleaded for it all to just disappear, he’s still here, holding me, softly shushing into my hair. And maybe I misread who he is after all.
“So that’s it?” he now says, and I pull back and glare at him.
That’s what he asks me after all of that? I just told him how my marriage crumbled and how my self-esteem is in a flaming dumpster, how I was cheated on and feeling like I’m not worth shit.
“Yeah, that’s it,” I quip back, second-guessing my thoughts that he might be a good guy. Did he not hear everything I said? Did he tune me out, afraid to try to slip away? Worried I’d murder him if he left since I’m such a loose cannon?
“Fuck that dude. He doesn’t deserve another second of your thoughts. His loss,” Kai says, lifting his chin, his lips pulled into an angry sneer.
“But you…” I start to say but stop. This isn’t about him. It’s about me, and he doesn’t get to make me feel a certain way. “So, I don’t think we should see each other.” The words come out bold and assertive, and even I believe myself.
“I thought we said friends?” It’s a question, not a statement, but there’s no way he thinks that’s all he wants. “Isn’t that what we just did there, Quinn?” Kai motions to where we were once huddled on the deck, me crying in his arms.
“Honestly, I don’t know what that was,” I admit, sort of wanting to take it all back.
I should have told him to leave, but there was, and possibly still is, a connection here.
I don’t want to like the way he makes me feel, but I do.
“One stranger telling another stranger,” I add, but I’m finding it difficult to convince myself that’s the truth.
I would rather push him away before he can hurt me, before he turns evil, because it seems like they all do in the end.
“Everyone needs friends, Quinn,” he tells me, my name said with a mix of seduction and compassion, and I hate it. It makes me feel torn and mean for pushing him away. “So, I’ll be here if you want a friend because it really sounds like you need one.”
Fuck my life.
He’s right, but I’m not ready to admit that just yet.
He’s like a surf bum Yoda with a hot body and a deep tan. The smell of coconut and sea salt wraps around him, intoxicating and all-consuming.
And something tells me we’d have mind-blowing sex.
But no.
“Okay, sounds good,” I reply, playing it cool despite the fact that I just had a complete emotional breakdown. I can still feel the remnants of it, crusty and dry on my cheeks.
“I’ll catch you later, Quinn,” Kai says, but quickly turns around and asks for my phone, which I hesitantly hand him. “My number. Only mine, though. I don’t want yours.”
This feels like a game, but maybe that’s because I’ve been manipulated for so long that I don’t know what normal feels like anymore.
“Not because I don’t want your number, but because you need time,” he clarifies as he hands me back my phone.
I look down at where he’s added his number, his name, and after it, he’s placed a few emojis that make me smile: a surfer, a palm tree, a coconut.
“You’re gonna wanna fix that,” Kai says, motioning to the pineapple that hangs on my front door. Hitting me with a wink before he heads down the steps.
What’s that supposed to mean?
A couple of hours later, I’ve showered and I’m starting to feel like a normal person again. Dressed in a simple sundress and flip-flops, I head over to the surf shop where Daisy invited me to the barbecue.
It’s not far from my place, and the walk feels good. The sun is beginning to set, but the air is still warm and comforting.
I don’t know how anyone ever leaves here. It’s a literal paradise with the best weather in the world. I don’t miss the cold New York winter or the blowing rain that chills to the bone.
Arriving quickly, I walk around back where I can hear the chatter of people, and as soon as I round the corner, Daisy spots me and comes running over.
“Oh, I’m so glad you came. Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone,” she says sweetly, taking my hand in hers, pulling me toward a crowd of people. They’re all gathered around an unlit firepit, drinks in hand.
As I scan the group, my eyes fall on one person. I watch him throw his arms around a cute blonde, kissing her cheek a couple of times, and I swallow back the bile that pushes up in my throat.
Kai.
He’s not my boyfriend, and I hate the way jealousy eats at me.
Before I can say something to Daisy about it, Kai locks eyes with me, as a gorgeously sexy smile spreads across his lips.
Making his way over to me, he stops, wetting his lips, that sexy grin making my knees weak.
Then he says, “Friend,” with a purr in his voice.
Winking at me, he attempts to sling an arm around my shoulders, but Daisy stops him.
Slapping his arm, she shoves it away and puts a hand on his chest, stilling him.
“No,” she spits out. “You’re yucky. Get away from her.”