Chapter 40
Mae
I wore the slip dress with lace, and Cooper not only pitched a fit but made us late to dinner.
I guess the dress worked.
After we ate together at the diner, we ended up at the Wooden Cowboy.
Cooper pulls me onto the dance floor with a wide smile and spins me around before pulling me in close.
I grin at him. “I love that smile,” he says.
“Are you flirting with me, Cooper Hayes?” He chuckles and kisses my cheek. “Depends, do I have a chance?”
“Hmm … I don’t know, maybe. You’ll have to try a little harder.”
He chuckles, dropping his hand to the small of my back. “I know I said it before, but I love this dress, and I’m looking forward to watching it fall to the floor.”
He leans back to look at me with heat in his eyes. I bite my lower lip as my skin tingles.
“That works,” I rasp.
“I thought it might,” he says with a smug smile.
I snort and he spins me around.
“Hey, Cooper,” a woman calls.
I glance over my shoulder, and a woman with long, straight brown hair is giving him a look I’ve seen far too many times, and I bristle.
He acknowledges her politely and spins us again.
My throat tightens, and I shake the feeling from my mind. I don’t ask because it doesn’t matter. Right? Right.
“I’m thirsty, are you? Let’s grab a beer.”
I nod absently, holding his hand as he leads us to the old, sticky bar.
He lifts a hand to a blond, curly hair woman and holds up two fingers. But I can’t stop looking at the woman who was staring at Cooper.
A minute later a long neck is shoved into my hand, and I take a sip.
“I hope you know I enjoy dancing with you,” he says.
I smile and look up at him. “I’ve never enjoyed it so much.”
He grins and kisses my cheek. “I’m thinking I might have to be more clever about our next date because I don’t want to wear you out too quickly.” His hand slips around my ribs and he tugs me to his front to stay out of the way of other people coming up to the bar.
“We could do a movie next time?” I suggest.
“I can see if they’re playing anything in town.”
Cooper stoops down and kisses my shoulder, sending shivers over my skin.
“So, what’s one of your favorite things about Paxton?” he asks.
I hum, watching people smile and dance, play darts and talk to each other.
“I know it’s cliché if I say you. So I’m going to say that time you took me out to see Hayes land. Or simply the people. Everyone is different here.”
“Or maybe you are,” he says.
I shrug and take a sip. I think I am.
“Hey Coop,” another woman says in a sultry voice.
He glances over my shoulder, and I study him carefully.
He spreads his hand wider on my side. “Mary-Beth,” he mutters and dips his chin.
I take a gulp of my beer, hoping it takes the edge off my irritation. The elephant in the room is pressing on my chest.
“You alright?” he asks in my ear.
I nod and stare at the label.
He pecks my cheek and rubs his thumb over my ribs. I take a deep breath and gaze up at him. He’s not trying to talk to these women. His attention is fully on me. I have no reason to be angry.
Standing up a little straighter, I slide my hand over the back of his neck and pull him down to me. He hums into my mouth. The vibration making my skin pebble.
I pull back and he tilts his head. “What was that for?” he asks.
“Because I can,” I rasp.
The corner of his mouth tilts up before he takes a swig of his beer.
My chest settles, and I’m able to breathe again. We go back to dancing for a bit before the beer catches up with me.
I excuse myself to the ladies, and when I come out, my heart flops out of my chest.
Cooper is talking to another woman. I struggle to breathe and my brain pops off like firecrackers.
I stand there in shock and mild disbelief, watching him laugh with the pretty blonde.
I don’t know who she is. I don’t know what she said or what he said.
But he looks like he’s having a wonderful time.
I stand there trying to convince myself it’s nothing.
We’ve been out in other situations and he hasn’t looked at another woman.
Other women have tried to flirt with him since we’ve been here, and he’s barely glanced at them. But I’m unnaturally alert to it.
And what if it’s different with her?
Maybe they’re just talking. Maybe he’s being his charming self. He makes me smile all the time. I’m sure that’s all this is.
She places her hand on his shoulder, and I’m stuck across the bar watching what’s happening in front of me.
I cover my mouth in an attempt to dampen the strangled sound, and dinner is about to make a reappearance.
Then my worst fear is confirmed when he pulls her into his arms, the place I should be, and she kisses his cheek. He leans back smiling, as if he didn’t just seal my fate, our fate.
I should never have let go of the rope.
My heart starts splitting down the middle. It’s slow, torturous, a pain I thought I'd felt before, but this is worse. This is agony so deep, it’s affecting the very cells in my body.
I should have known, shouldn’t have listened to Cooper. I should have listened to the fear in my mind, warning me away from all of it. But no, I wanted to be brave, and look how that turned out.
I refuse to accept this anymore. I can’t.
I can’t.
I storm past him without a glance, and push through the front doors, crumbling with each step.
“Mae! Wait, where are you going?” Cooper yells after me.
“I need to go,” I say, keeping my eyes in front of me. The gravel crunches under my feet, and part of me wonders if, I take my boots off and walk barefoot on the gravel, it might redirect the pain.
“Why? We were having fun?” he asks, running up and grabbing my arm, forcing me to turn around.
I keep my head down because I can’t look at him. I’m barely holding it together. The silent tears are already falling, but I refuse to let him see me break. I always break. Why can’t I just bend?
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” he asks seriously.
I force my chin to lift and meet his eyes, even with tears in my own. “I don’t know why I let go with you. I’m leaving soon. This is pointless.”
He drops my arm and rears back as if I slapped him in the face.
It’s a lot easier to push him away than admit that we moved too fast. I should have seen this coming. The odds were not in my favor — never have been. The ache in my chest tells me as much.
He rubs his stubbled face, full of confusion, and then he says, “Why, Mae? What do you have to go back to?” he says roughly.
“Excuse me?” I shriek.
“What are you going back to?” he shouts.
I huff. “My mother, my family, my job, reality!”
Everything was supposed to be here with him.
But there will always be someone prettier, toner, smarter, more whatever than me.
I’ve been right all along. This life, that I so desperately crave and hope for, is not for me.
How many times does this have to happen for me to learn that?
It’s only resulted in hurting myself. I’m a masochist. That has to be the answer.
“I can’t stay here,” I rasp.
“Why?” Cooper yells, throwing his hands out.
I press my lips together, and he takes a step toward me, reaching for my hand.
“I’m here, Mae. I’m not going anywhere. I want you. No one else. I wouldn’t be begging you to stay if I wasn’t serious about us. If you feel even a little bit of what I feel for you, then prove it. Prove to me that you care enough and stay, please.” Cooper begs, his voice cracking.
“I’m not what you want,” I mumble.
Cooper huffs a frustrated laugh and lifts his hat off his head, running his fingers through his hair.
“I hate to disappoint you, but that will never be the case.” He holds up his hands.
“I know they say never say never, but Mae, baby. I’m saying never.
You’re everything I want, and more than I deserve.
You’re the one, and have been since our first date, since our first kiss. ”
The tears are in free fall now. I can’t stop them. I don’t want to. I don’t have the strength. “How could you possibly know that? We barely knew each other!” I yelled.
Cooper slides his hands into his pockets even though I desperately want him to touch me one more time.
“I feel it, Mae. You’re that missing puzzle piece. But maybe the better question is, am I what you want?” Cooper asks.
“How could you ask me that?” I ask him.
“Because I don’t think you know the answer,” he says, almost as if he’s given up trying to convince me.
I shake my head, scrambling for an answer, a reason to push him away. “I can’t do this.”
“Mae, please!” Cooper yells. “What do I need to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
I ignore him, leaving him standing in the parking lot. My heart continues to rip as I walk home. It’s miles, but what else am I going to do?
Wait, I have friends here.
I call June.
“Hey girly,” she says.
“Can you uh — can you come pick me up? I’m a block from the Wooden Cowboy and —” I sob.
“Sure, what’s going on?” June asks.
“I just need you to get me, please.”
“Stay where you are, be there soon,” she says gently.
“Thank you,” I whisper and hang up.
I’m on the edge of town, not close enough to the flower shop, and even if I wanted to keep walking, I can’t because my feet feel like they’re cemented in lead blocks.
Am I what you want because I don’t think you know.
Cooper’s words roll around and around in my head. Seeing him with that woman brought everything I ignored from my past flooding back. My fear of constantly being left behind is stronger than me. My insecurities, my issues of never being someone’s person, are always going to be there.
I huff to myself. Cooper made me forget all of them. The way he looked at me, talked to me, touched me, kissed me, cared for me. No one has ever done that for me.
June pulls up in her truck, and I climb in silently.
She types something into her phone and turns around, heading to my house.
The cab is silent, and I wipe my tears as I stare out into the black night.
This time it’s no one’s fault, but my own. Everything in me shut down when I saw them together. All I wanted to do was run, protect myself.
June pulls up next to the house and puts the truck into park.
“I’m not going to ask what happened. But I also told you what would happen if you hurt my cousin.”
I wipe my face, staring out the windshield.
“But I also understand that … the issues you’ve had in the past might be coming into play.”
I don’t answer.
“Mae, I think you need to think long and hard about your life here. I know we were a favor to your aunt. But your presence in Paxton has impacted certain people, whether you meant it to or not. While you think about these things, please don’t come to the ranch.
If you see Naomi in town, please don’t speak to her.
That little girl has been through enough, and I can’t watch her heart break again. ”
June rubs my back, and I drop my hands to look at her. “Why are you being so nice to me?”
She smiles sadly. “Of all people, I understand wanting something so badly, and not letting yourself have it, even if it was meant for you.”
“But I —”
“Girl, you’re not fooling anyone. He loves you more than the air he breathes.
He sees you as a woman worthy of helping him raise his daughter.
And he’s right for it. You are amazing. But whatever happened tonight made you run.
The going will get tough. It always does.
So if your first response is to run. Then don’t even bother,” June says.
I stare at her, mouth agape, because there’s too many thoughts inside my head to pick one.
She wipes a tear from her eye and faces forward, dismissing me. Like a slap of sobering reality.
“Thank you for the ride,” I mumble, and get out of the truck, trudging into the house.
Closing the door behind me, I rest my back against it and slide down to the floor, bursting into tears.
I sob into my hands. My throat cracks and my heart bleeds. I think I lost him. What have I done?
I am the problem.
***
My alarm goes off and I reach for my phone, stopping it before rolling over and going back to sleep. Heartbreak is exhausting, especially when it’s by your own hand. I see that now.
I couldn’t see past the robbery of my heart because I gave it to him, and he slipped it in his back pocket to use for later.
I know what it feels like to be left behind, for someone to choose something over me. And I just did that to Cooper. That’s not who I am, well, who I thought I was.
I start crying again. Why am I this way? Why have I allowed others to scar me and affect me so deeply? It’s keeping me from someone so amazing I have to pinch myself constantly because I can’t believe it’s real.
And I’ve connected with Naomi. Now I’m hurting her. I swore I never would.
I messed up. I ruined this. Not him, me.
And I’m not sure there’s any going back. This isn’t about pride. It’s about the fact I broke my promise.
I’m not worthy of Cooper or Naomi.
He thinks I don’t know what I want because I’ve never told him, too afraid to give him the truth.
It’s him, it’s Naomi, it’s the family I thought we could build together.
Barely functioning, I ignore phone calls. I told my boss I have the flu and can’t get out of bed. The thought of putting flowers together for someone else to get married makes me want to vomit.
I don’t remember the last time I ate, but I don’t have an appetite to even bother.
It’s just as well. It’s what I deserve.