Deliver Me

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

G abriel set his teeth as he watched Mia hurry in the door after class and drop her bag on the couch. He knew she had done nothing to deserve his temper, but it seemed that was all he had to offer her these days outside the bedroom.

The uneasy truce they’d reached the night after she’d come home from attending church the first time without him—when she’d come home still mad and puffy-eyed from crying and thrown herself into his arms to let him soothe her with his mouth and his hands and his body—had held as the weeks began to bleed together, but the strain that their relationship was under, that he was under, was becoming more obvious with each passing day.

They’d gotten into another petty argument in Amy’s office, surrounded by piles of paperwork that needed to be signed for him to access his trust fund money. Amy had seemed nearly ashamed when she’d had to tell them that Lilah hadn’t sent any personal message, just a file with his birth certificate, social security card, and medical records up until he’d been sent to Richard’s. It was a blessing, containing all the documents he’d need to start an adult life, but he hadn’t even thought of them until he’d seen them and been hit with all the things he didn’t know how to do.

He was a grown man, nearly thirty, and he’d never signed his own paperwork or driven his own car.

It had become painfully obvious again at the DMV, waiting in a line for hours while people snuck blatantly hostile glances at him over their shoulders only to discover that he would need a permit to practice driving until he could pass the driving exam. Mia would have to sit with him in the passenger seat, guiding him on the rules of the road and trying not to wince when he cut too close to a parked car. She’d been patient, but he was humiliated and irritable, ashamed that he’d found yet another way to burden her.

The money he knew he’d soon have to give her didn’t keep his failures from creeping into his dreams. Mia’s face mingled with the women of his past, merging with Brittany’s and his mother’s, with women whose names he had never known as they swam in and out of his nightmares until he bolted upright in bed and slunk to the kitchen to stare at the time on her microwave as it crept toward dawn. Sometimes she followed him—urging him to come back to bed until he complied or snapped at her with words like daggers that cut them both—but that had become less frequent as his tone became harsh and his eyes bleary from lack of sleep.

She’d gotten more guarded around him, probing his mood before settling in beside him on the couch or telling him about her day. Far too often they ate in silence, his bubbling and impotent fury smothering any words that might have arisen between them. Having the apartment to himself, no matter how lonely, had almost become preferable to the sad confusion in her eyes.

“Will you be okay here by yourself?” she asked, sucking her lip between her teeth as she looked at him.

He knew what she was really asking, the same thing she asked every time she went.

Are you sure you won’t come with me?

He answered as he always did, each new string of words always adding up to the same sentiment.

No

“ I’ll be fine,” he said, hating himself as she grimaced at his tone. “Have a nice time.”

She nodded, shooting him a weak smile at the barely there attempt at civility that he’d tacked on at the end.

He sat on the couch once she’d gone, his head buried in his hands as the anger faded away and left him with nothing but a hollow hole in the gut carved out of him by the disappointment he’d seen on her face. How had life been easier when he was in prison?

Church had not gotten easier since her last encounter with Mrs. Newberry and Mia crept in late, hoping to avoid being forced to speak to anyone and shrugging a haphazard apology at Lilly as she sank into a seat at the back.

Several heads turned to look at her, their frowns and whispers the only proof she needed that Mrs. Newberry was still spreading word as far and wide as she could about what Mia had said to her. In hindsight, telling the biggest gossip in church that her boyfriend had a big dick might not have been the best decision that she’d ever made but Mia tipped her chin up anyway.

She hadn’t had the time to think it through and the whole thing had come at the end of a very bad day. What she’d said couldn’t be unsaid, and she refused to let Mrs. Newberry or anyone else make her feel worse than she already did. She was still consistently attending church functions alone, a fact that caused a few more raised brows and suspicious whispers each week.

She always offered, but she knew he wasn’t going to come.

Gabriel had been irritable and distant since their fight. He rarely left the apartment even when she was home to help him drive, and he was often out of bed before she woke in the mornings. She wasn’t sure how much time he spent actually sleeping at night but the dark circles under his eyes told her that it wasn’t enough, and he wasn’t willing to discuss whatever nightmares plagued him.

She hadn’t expected the transition from prison to be immediate or free of problems, but the longer he was out the more there was an itch under her skin, a thought that ran through her head on an endless loop. It was both frightening and incredibly unhelpful, but she couldn’t escape the relentless refrain.

He wasn’t adjusting well.

She drummed her fingers on her knee, barely listening to Lilly and the others. She knew it was true, but the way to help him eluded her. Standing with him had been easy when the common enemies had been the prison itself and the state. The bars that had kept them apart were something that Mia could see, the law something that she could understand.

Now the enemy was something else, something far less tangible. It was Gabriel’s mind, still carrying his past and all the pain that he’d learned to bury but never learned to live with. It was the skills he didn’t have and the life he’d missed and the bitterness that not even her love could fully erase from his heart.

Even after everything, she’d never given up hope, never wavered on her conviction that she was on the path that God had chosen for her—after all, why would God have given her this mountain if it could not be moved?—but she’d believed that the hardest part was behind her. That when he’d walked out of that prison, their lives would get better, and she wouldn’t have to be so strong anymore.

Realizing now that getting him out of prison may have actually been the easy part was enough to make her want to scream and rail at the heavens until God answered her and told her why she was the one that had been given the burden of such an impossible love. What had He seen in her, what had He made in her, that she would be the one fashioned to love Gabriel through all these challenges, through all his pain?

It was a question she often wondered about these days and one that inevitably led her back to her own parents. Had they thought that about loving a broken-hearted little girl that had been all skin and bones? One that bit and yelled and hid food in every available crack of her bedroom until the whole thing had smelled of rot? Had they ever thought about giving up when she pushed them away or they’d had to spend yet another afternoon driving her to a doctor or a therapist or another meeting with the caseworker as they tried to adopt a child that they weren’t sure would ever be able to love them back?

Mia had forgotten most of that time but some of her earliest memories were of curling up in her mother’s lap, surrounded by the smell of home and sweet perfume and listening to another story of how they’d chosen her. How they’d asked for her and fought for her and tried their best every day for her. If they’d ever thought about giving up, she’d never heard them speak of it and she wasn’t going to shame them by turning her back on someone who loved her, who needed her. She would not turn her back on the path that God had chosen for her no matter how difficult it was. If there was one thing she knew—that her family had taught her—it was the power of love to change the life of a person and she was counting on that now.

He wasn’t adjusting well. That was fine. She’d just have to keep trying with him until he did. There was no other option for her, no way for her to quit on something that mattered this much.

“You seem distracted today,” Lilly said, and Mia jumped, a guilt flush on her cheeks as she realized the meeting had been dismissed and she had been too deep in her thoughts to notice. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Mia said. “Just trying to work some things out in my mind.”

“Well, if I was you, I think I’d try and get out of here before Mrs. Newberry corners you again.”

“Why? What’s happened now?”

Lilly jerked her chin over her shoulder, indicating a little cluster of people near back. “James is in town because his mama isn’t feeling well. Rumor has it she’s gonna need another surgery soon so he’ll be around every few weeks while they’re doing all her doctor’s appointments and such.”

“They?”

“Remember Mrs. Newberry telling us about Emily? His new wife? That’s her.”

Mia had been too preoccupied to notice the new face in the crowd, but she saw her now. A tall and pretty woman with brown hair that fell around her face in soft waves and a ready smile.

“She looks nice,” Mia said with a shrug.

“But Mrs. Newberry isn’t, and you know she’s going to come running over to point out how lucky James was to end up with her instead of you.”

Mia pressed a hand to her temple where a headache was beginning to form. She should be used to this by now but dealing with it never seemed to get easier. “Maybe I can still make it out without her spotting me.”

Lilly shook her head. “I think it’s too late,” she said, shaking her head apologetically. “She was talking to James, snapped him up as soon as he came in looking for Emily, and now they’re headed this way.”

Mia groaned. It had been a long time since she’d had to deal with James, and it still didn’t quite feel like long enough.

“Hey, Lilly, how are you doing?’

Lilly gave James her brightest smile as he joined them and turned her body to shield Mia from his view. “I’m doing fine,” she said sweetly. “It’s been a long time since you came around and I see you’ve brought your wife this time. Maybe you can introduce me and tell me about the new church you’ve got? I hear it’s just a few towns over, down the highway.”

“It is,” he agreed. “I’d be happy to introduce you to Emily.”

“It’s a shame you two won’t be able to meet Mia’s … whatever do you call the man you live with?” Mrs. Newberry faced her with a pasted on puzzled frown.

Mia didn’t even pretend to smile, and her voice was flat and unfriendly when she answered. “Gabriel’s my boyfriend.”

“Oh,” James said, looking rapidly between the three women. “I remember seeing something on the news about him getting out of prison, I think. They made things seem … well …”

“Right,” Mia said quickly, taking a few steps back toward the door. If she left now, she could rob Mrs. Newberry of the opportunity to parade her sins in front of an audience again. “He’s waiting for me, so I better go.”

“He doesn’t come,” Mrs. Newberry said to James, leaning in to pass the information along as though they were sharing a secret and letting her voice lilt into something sickly sweet. It was the kind of thing that sounded like concern on the surface but was loaded beneath with pity and condescension.

Mia didn’t wait to hear James’ response as she turned and hurried from the room, and she didn’t give in to the urge to sneak another glance at his wife as she passed. The woman lived the life that might have been hers had things been different, but whatever curiosity she might have felt was buried beneath a mound of shame and frustration.

That feeling stayed with her until she swept into the apartment, door banging roughly on the wall as she tossed it open and swept inside without making eye contact with Gabriel on the couch. She was vibrating with rage, her hands shaking as she replayed the scene at the church over in her mind. She flicked through the stack of mail she’d picked up from the mailbox on her way up, tossing each item across the table with a flick of her wrist. Bills, advertisements, a thick cream envelope addressed in looping feminine script she didn’t recognize. She frowned and pulled it from the pile to examine it more closely, momentarily distracted from her anger, but Gabriel pulled it all from her grasp and tossed it on the kitchen table before she could read the name.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “What happened?”

“James happened ,” she said, her voice pitched high and wobbling on each syllable. “Mrs. Newberry happened . James was there with his wife and that was all the ammunition Mrs. Newberry needed.” She choked down a sob and clung to the anger instead. “It was all she needed to hurt me, to find another opportunity to throw you in my face again.”

“What did she say to you?” he asked.

“The same thing she says every time,” Mia said. “That if you loved me, you’d be there for me.”

“Mia …”

“I know you love me,” she looked up at him through wet lashes, trying to explain with her gaze what she was struggling to put into words, “but it’s still hard to do it all alone. I understand why you won’t go, but that doesn’t change that it hurts when you aren’t with me.”

“Church is important to you.” He stopped, teeth set against the skin of his lip as he, too, tried to find the right words as he weighed his own fears against his urge to support her.

“And so are you,” she assured him. “It’s just … It’s difficult when the parts of my life that matter the most don’t mix and I worry about you. You keep yourself locked in here and I get it, I really do, but you’re making our apartment into another prison. You’re just sitting and stewing in your thoughts.”

“If I’ve made the apartment a prison for me, then you’ve let that bitch make church a prison for you.”

His assessment hit its target, knocking the breath out of her. Silence stretched between them as she sat on the edge of the couch and dropped her head to her knees.

“You’re not the only one who’s worried, Mia.” He sat beside her and rubbed his hand over her stiff shoulders. “She’s not any good for you or that place.”

“You could come and chase her away,” Mia mumbled. She wanted to argue the point, but she knew he was right. However much her father wanted to give the woman another chance, Mrs. Newberry made the rest of them miserable every chance she got. Maybe it was time they started thinking about the implications of that.

“I’m sorry.” He shuddered, his body rocking with the force of it. “I know I’m failing you.”

“You aren’t.” Maybe it would have been easier if he’d shown up and glared at Mrs. Newberry until she ran right out the front door, but was it really his battle to fight? “But even if you were failing me, you wouldn’t be the first person or the last. What if I fail you? What if we fail each other and we keep going anyway because we’re too stubborn to quit?”

“That does sound like us.” He reached for her, tugging her into his arms and resting his chin on her shoulder. “I don’t know if I can start with church, but I’ll try harder to learn how to live outside the apartment,” he said. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

“I know,” she said. There was still so much that they needed to work out but now that she had calmed down, her body reacted to his proximity as it always did—with want. She could feel the gentle fan of his breath on her neck and the solid muscle of his arm beneath her fingers.The urge to connect, to reaffirm their feelings in the face of their conflict, had her tightening her grip to pull him closer.

“Gabriel …”

But he had already noticed the change in her breath and the way she leaned into him, and he was lifting her before she could tell him what she needed, carrying her to the bedroom with his mouth on hers. He’d made this walk countless times and he didn’t need to see to know where he was going or to find the edge of the bed and lower her onto it.

They’d become practiced and efficient at shedding the layers of their clothing, both of them eager to have the hot slide of skin on skin as quickly as possible, and Mia tugged his shirt over his head in a single smooth motion.

He leaned back against the pillows; his eyes locked on her as she explored the parts of him that she wasn’t yet familiar with. She knew what this part of him felt like inside of her, but his hands fisted into her bedsheets as she discovered the taste of it. Her tongue glided over him, learning the texture and the slightly salty tang of his skin. It filled her mouth as well as it filled the rest of her and the sounds he made when she closed her lips around him sent heat curling though her, molten desire turned to fire under her skin.

She lacked the skill to tease him properly and she was probably clumsy, but he didn’t complain as she worked her mouth over him, discovering the rhythm and speed that he seemed to enjoy the most. She’d learned enough by now to be able to roll the condom on by herself, a point of pride as she smiled up at him and traced his body with the tips of her fingers.

He helped her line up their bodies so she could sink down onto him, her body opening to take him deeper than she thought he’d ever been. It was thrilling to be filled like this and a roll of her hips told her how much he enjoyed it, too, his eyes fluttering shut and his fingers digging into her skin.

She kept her eyes on his face as she rose and fell above him, each rocking movement met with a thrust of his hips. He’d said she was beautiful but right now, with the thin light of the moon on his skin and his dark hair curling against her pillow as she rode him, she thought he might be the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. He’d been worth every minute of waiting, every second of worry and when she tipped over the edge into ecstasy with him buried inside, she thought she’d been right after all.

Maybe his dick really was worth the damnation that Mrs. Newberry kept threatening her with.