Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Winter
D r. Lucas’ office was quiet and relaxing and there was never any pressure to talk about a particular subject. With no set agenda, Gabriel began by talking about the easy topics, about Mia and how much he loved her. How much he worried that he was too damaged to keep her. It seemed natural after that to talk about his fears and why he had them. Weeks passed slowly and he began to feel calmer, more able to engage with people in the world without the panic and guilt that had always swallowed him before.
“Things have gotten better since you started coming here?”
Gabriel shrugged, bouncing his knee to give release to some of his restless energy. The office was comfortable enough—quiet, with soothing blue walls and plush chairs—but it wasn’t always enough to settle his nerves. “The nightmares have gotten better, less frequent.”
“That’s good,” Dr. Lucas said. “Is there anything that hasn’t gotten better?”
“The anxiety,” Gabriel said immediately. “The guilt.”
“Anxiety about being out of prison?”
“Some of it,” Gabriel agreed. “But also about Mia.”
“Are you two still struggling?”
“Not as much now.”
“That’s encouraging,” Dr. Lucas said, his head tipping to the side as he made a short note in Gabriel’s file. “What about the guilt?”
Gabriel pushed a hand through his hair and puffed out a harsh breath. “What if I’m not good enough for her? I might be a bad husband, or a bad father and she wants a family. She says she can wait, that she’s happy, but I can tell she wants it more than she’s willing to even admit to herself. I might ruin her life and I’ve done enough of that.”
“How so?” Dr. Lucas was patient, eyes on the pad and his face impassive. No judgment here, no condemnation for the things Gabriel had done.
“I failed so many people,” Gabriel admitted. “People I left behind at Richard’s, at Seth’s, they suffered because I couldn’t figure out how to get them out and then, somehow, I’m the one who gets out of prison? Better people than me are still in there. I couldn’t even stop what was happening to me, to the others. They got away with it.”
“Who did?”
“Richard, Seth, everyone who helped them or covered up for them.”
“And you think you should have prevented them from getting away with it?”
Gabriel stared at Dr. Lucas, at the trim gray beard and unflinching eyes. It made him restless and itchy under the skin, like there was some conclusion that he was meant to reach that remained just out of touch. “Someone should have,” he said. “Someone should have done something, and they didn’t.”
“Yes, but should their failures put the burden on you? You had no power in those situations, and the fault there does not belong to you.”
“It doesn’t change the need to do something,” Gabriel insisted. He wanted to get up and run out of the office. To escape to somewhere far away and never think about any of this ever again. It was the image of Mia crying on the floor of their apartment that kept him in his seat. “I can’t live with this helplessness and the anger.”
“I understand that you feel helpless and frustrated about what you couldn’t change from the past, but you have power now,” Dr. Lucas said. “You have power to take care of the people you care about and even the power to help others the way you should have been helped. It’s something to think about.”
Gabriel nodded stiffly but his mind was already hard at work figuring out what that meant for him. What it might mean for his future and for Mia’s.
“Are you still struggling with your faith?” Dr. Lucas continued. He sipped from a can of diet Coke and peered at Gabriel over the rim as he waited for an answer.
“There’s no struggle with my faith,” Gabriel said. “Mia believes and I don’t but it’s not a problem for us.”
“You don’t have any challenges supporting her in her beliefs?”
“Not anymore,” Gabriel said. “It used to but now I’m able to go to church with her for events and special occasions.”
“Her father being a pastor doesn’t bother you?”
“I don’t think about it much anymore.” Gabriel was a bit stunned at the realization that it was true. “He’s nothing like Richard—he doesn’t weaponize his authority and he stands up for the vulnerable people in his community, so we get along.”
“That all sounds like significant progress for you.”
“Yes,” Gabriel agreed. “It does.”
“Have you talked to any of the others?” Dr. Lucas asked.
“The others?”
“The people that were with you at Richard and Seth’s?”
“They’ve reached out to me,” Gabriel admitted, “but I never responded.”
“Why is that?”
“What if they blame me for not doing more?” Seeing them at the trial had been almost more than he could stand, and they hadn’t been able to talk to him directly. How would he have been able to deal with it if they could have leveled their eyes on him and demanded he account for his failures? “I don’t know if I could handle that.”
“They helped you at your trial,” Dr. Lucas reminded him. “You share a unique bond with them, a shared history, and they may have already had a chance to walk the healing road that you’re on now.”
“So … what? You think they might have advice for me?”
“Talking about it might help, with or without advice, but it’s possible.”
“Hmm.”
“You deserve to live a full life and reach for the things that make you happy. Whatever you decide, it’s important that you remember that no one else has control of you now. Not your parents, not Richard or Seth, and not the guards at the prison. You’re the one in a position of power in your own life now.”
Gabriel didn’t know what to say to that. All he’d wanted in prison was the ability to make decisions for himself, to live on his own terms. Now he had it, and he had to decide what to do with it. He tapped his fingers on his knee and watched the clock tick toward the end of his hour.
“Isn’t that right, Mia?”
“Hmm?”
Lilly looked at her curiously and gestured to James’ wife, Emily. “I said, it’s nice that they were able to come this week.”
“Oh,” Mia said, sitting up straighter in her chair and trying to drag her attention back to the conversation. “Yes, it’s great to have visitors.”
Mia had a lot on her mind, and it was hard to concentrate on what they were saying but Emily was soft spoken and had a sweet, patient smile that seemed to put everyone around her at ease immediately. It was obvious that Lilly liked her, and James seemed to treat her well. Mia knew she’d made the right choice in not binding herself to a lifestyle that would never have let her be fulfilled, but she was glad that Emily seemed happy.
“James used to come around quite a bit so it’s good to see him back,” Lilly agreed.
Mia nodded but she couldn’t quite make herself agree with that out loud. “How did Mrs. Prescott’s surgery go?” she asked instead.
“It went well,” Emily said, her face brightening as her husband came into the room. “She’s been very sweet to me since I married James and I’m glad that God watched over her.”
“She’s a kind woman,” Mia agreed.
“Mia,” James said as he crossed the room to Emily’s side. “I see you’ve met Emily.”
“Yes,” Mia agreed. “I don’t think I ever congratulated you on the wedding. You make a lovely couple.”
“It’s nice to see you again,” James said. He said it hesitantly and the harsh words they’d exchanged the last time they’d really spoken to one another hung heavy between them.
She might talk to her father about guiding him into a better way to handle his parishioners, to prevent him from hurting another woman the way he’d hurt her, but she wasn’t going to embarrass him in front of his new wife. Maybe he deserved it, but they’d both found what they were looking for and she didn’t want to hold that grudge anymore.
“It was nice to see you, too,” Mia agreed.
“I know we haven’t always gotten along and I’m sorry about that,” he hesitated and looked around uncomfortably, “but I just overheard some pretty unpleasant things Mrs. Newberry was saying about you. She didn’t seem to think she needed to keep her voice down around me, and maybe I’m not the right person to have said anything, but I think you deserve to know.”
“What did she say?” Mia narrowed her eyes, already feeling the blood start to rush. She’d had enough of this. Mrs. Newberry had kept her distance since she’d found out Gabriel had come with her the first time, and an ever greater one once she’d gotten a good look at his size and scowling face the second time he’d come, but obviously he was right. She was never going to stop unless someone stopped her.
“She said that Gabriel should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of an innocent young girl. That you were going to hell, and it would all be his fault.” He looked like he had more to say but Mia was beyond listening. It was time they had this confrontation and there was no better place than right here, right now.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, only vaguely aware that she’d spoken, her body hot and vibrating with emotion.
“Mia?”
She didn’t respond, her head swiveling as she prowled toward the dessert table. Mrs. Newberry had just been there a moment before—she couldn’t have gone far. Mia had covered only half the distance between James and the dessert table when she spotted a head of perfectly styled, blonde hair. Her fingers twitched with the urge to reach out and yank it as hard as she was able, but she took a deep breath, prepared to keep her assault a purely verbal one, when a few words of what Mrs. Newberry was saying reached her.
“… actually thinks she’s doing a good job helping to run the group! If it wasn’t for her suggesting the prison program in the first place, poor Mia wouldn’t be in this position. I’ve said all along that this was going to happen, haven’t I?”
The heat in Mia’s blood ran cold, the rage that had burned inside her freezing into a cold sense of purpose. Her mind and heart stilled, and her voice was almost pleasant as she asked, “Who put me in this position?”
Mrs. Newberry jumped, a guilty flush on her face as she spun around to find Mia smiling at her, the grin all teeth and no mercy. “I’m sorry?” she asked. “I’m afraid I don’t understand …”
“You’re not sorry,” Mia said. “Not yet, but you will be.”
“Are you threatening—”
“Not at all,” Mia said. “We’re well beyond the need for threats.”
The crowd around them shifted uneasily and Mia knew they were gathering a watchful audience. Lilly was approaching from across the room with Mrs. Mitchell close behind, both of their faces creased with worry, but there was no going back now.
“You can’t say these things to me,” Mrs. Newberry sniffed. “I’m a parishioner at this church. My family has donated—”
“Absolutely no one here gives a shit,” Mia said, interrupting her again just to watch her mouth open and close on her silent outrage. Several onlookers covered their mouths with their hands as though trying to smother a laugh and no one at all seemed inclined to speak up on Mrs. Newberry’s behalf.
“Mia, what is going on?” Lilly asked, stepping between the two women and looking from one to the other like a teacher on a kindergarten playground. “You two know better than to do this here.”
Mrs. Newberry’s smile faltered when Mia stepped in close and whispered a few words in Lilly’s ear. She’d been able to manipulate her way around any real repercussions for so long that the cold look that passed over Lilly’s face must have come as quite a surprise.
“So,” Lilly said. “Mia told me what happened and she’s clearly on the edge of doing something very unpleasant right here in the middle of our Bible group. Fortunately for you, I don’t agree with that.”
Mrs. Newberry smirked at Mia over Lilly’s shoulder. “I knew you’d realize how unreasonable she was being. I thought she was going to attack me, and you have no idea how frightened I was.”
Lilly smiled back, and Mia had known her long enough to recognize the look and its implications. “I’ve got something much better in mind for you,” she said, her voice dripping with sugar sweetness. “Go home and don’t come back.”
“What?” Mrs. Newberry looked from Lilly to Mia desperately. “You can’t do that!” Mrs. Newberry said wildly, turning to face the group of onlookers that formed a tight ring around the action.
“I can,” Mrs. Mitchell said loudly, and every head turned to stare with open mouths at the small woman as she pushed her thick glasses back up her nose. “You’ve done nothing for this church that hasn’t been to make it worse and, if we’re all being fair and honest, we should have kicked you out a long time ago.”
“You can’t,” Mrs. Newberry repeated, her voice rising as though loudness might make them all change their minds. “You can’t do this to me.”
“I've had conversations with Mia about returning you to the flock, but you are not a lost lamb. You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I will protect the people in this church that depend on us to keep them safe.”
“Which is what I should have done a long time ago,” Mia said, squeezing Lilly’s hand in silent apology.
“You’ve been nothing but a bully to all of us,” Lilly added.
“I am not,” Mrs. Newberry screeched. “You have no proof!”
“I have no proof that you were the one leaking information about my relationship with Gabriel to the media, either, but we all know it’s true.”
“I’ll go to your father,” Mrs. Newberry said, her lips thin and triumphant. “I’ll tell him what you did to me today.”
“And I’ll tell him what you said to me and to Gabriel,” Mia retorted. “I’ll tell him that you stood in the house of God and spoke cruelly about Lilly because you’re a bigot and a bitch.”
“You’re nothing but that criminal’s whore.”
“And you,” Lilly said, her voice brimming with authority, “are no longer welcome here.”
Mrs. Newberry looked around the room for support but was met with only disapproving frowns. Perhaps some of them might have stood with her privately, but they were not brave enough to speak it now in front of so many.
“Go,” Mia demanded.
Mrs. Newberry grabbed her purse off one of the nearby chairs and pushed toward the door, knocking aside anyone who was too slow to move out of her way and nearly knocking Bryce over as he entered the room with Pastor Anderson.
“What the …” Bryce exclaimed. “What happened here?”
“Taking out the trash,” Mrs. Mitchell said. “And it was long overdue.”
“Was that Mrs. Newberry?” Pastor Anderson asked.
“It was,” Mia acknowledged. She sank down into a chair and smiled up at Lilly thinly when she passed a bottle of water into her shaking hands. “She’s not going to be coming back.”
“It was time,” Lilly said with an unapologetic shrug. “She’s made everything as difficult for us as possible for too long. I wanted the chance to prove myself, to give her the chance to be a better person, but that’s obviously not going to happen.”
“She was just biding her time,” Mia said. “We gave her enough chances—probably too many. I should never have asked you if you wanted me to kick her out. I shouldn’t have put the burden of that decision on you, made you have to be the one to speak up. As soon as I saw her for what she was, I should have told her to leave.”
Lilly’s eyes were wet with unshed tears as she pulled Mia in for a tight hug. “We all did the best we could,” she said. “Next time our best will be better.”
“I can’t believe I did that,” Mia grumbled as she walked into their apartment. She was still riding high on the rush of adrenaline and couldn’t stop smiling.
“Did what?”
Gabriel listened with rapt attention as she explained the events of the evening. “Wait, what did you say to her that had her so upset a few weeks ago anyway?’
“I told her you had a big dick,” Mia mumbled.
Gabriel laughed as she hid her face in her hands.
“I think she was mad that I wasn’t afraid of her anymore.” Mia mused.
“She’s exactly like Richard,” he countered. “She’s mean and spiteful to those she can hurt and a smiling face when the world is looking. She uses people and their faith to her own advantage because she’s cruel.”
“I needed to stand up to her.”
“It was time and I’m so proud of you.”
She shivered at the praise and kissed him softly as she grasped his shirt by the hem and lifted until he helped her guide it over his head, then pressed another kiss to his chest.
His eyes widened as she sank to her knees, pressing a lingering kiss to the skin just above his waistband, where a trail of dark hair ran from just below his navel to disappear under the fabric of his slacks. He flinched, his skin jumping in surprise when she followed the kiss with a small, painless bite.
“I love you.” His voice was strangled and when she found the courage to look up at him, he was watching her with a reverent expression that she’d only ever seen before on the faces of her father’s congregation when they were lost in the rapturous love of God.
“I love you, too,” she said, suddenly embarrassed at the intensity of his gaze as she struggled to undo the buttons of his slacks.
“Fuck it,” he said roughly, pulling her to her feet and then up into his arms as he crushed her mouth under his and carried her to the bedroom.
“Hey,” she protested. “I was doing something.”
“I saw that, and it was hot,” he said as he laid on the bed and began to strip the clothes from her body as quickly and efficiently as possible. “You can do it again later.”
She laughed as he nipped softly at her shoulder and threw her bra across the room. “I didn’t even do anything.”
“You looked incredible,” he argued. “Fucking breathtaking on your knees like that.”
“Maybe next time I’ll actually get my mouth on you.”
He groaned and buried his face in her stomach. “You’re gonna be beautiful but that’s not what I need right now.”
“No?” she asked and let her knees fall open, letting him see that she was already wet and ready for him.
“Mia,” he breathed. “Have I told you how perfect you are?”
“Once or twice,” she teased. “Tell me again.”
“Fucking perfect,” he said, pushing his pants off over his hips and starting to kiss his way up her legs. “The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
The awkwardness of their first time was a long-forgotten thing of the past as he moved over her and pushed them both closer to the edge of oblivion with each thrust. When she shattered, her body felt like it carried more than just pleasure beneath the surface of her skin. It was belonging and certainty and home.