Chapter Thirty Six
Bridgette
“They said that she should be waking up by now. Why isn’t she waking up?” a voice asks.
“Look at the monitors there. You see that? That’s her heart rate, her blood pressure and her oxygen levels. She’s okay. She’s resting. Her body just went through so much. It takes time,” a softer voice pacifies.
My head moves to the side and pain is the first thing I register. My ribs are absolutely killing me.
“Ow,” I rasp as I take a deep breath.
“Oh my god,” that voice from before says, rushing over to my side.
It takes me a moment before I’m able to pry my eyes open. When I do, I see Maggie beside me, holding my hand with tears in her eyes. She smiles as one slides down her cheek, lifting my hand up to her lips and pressing a kiss to it as she lets out a choked laugh.
“Thank fuck. I thought you went and died on me, baby B.”
I can’t help but smile at the nickname, the feeling of my hand in hers creating a soothing balm that only she seems to be able to provide. It takes me a few moments to figure out what exactly is going on, though. My eyes bounce around the room as a doctor comes in, shining a light in my eyes.
“Welcome back, Miss Brenton. Do you know where you are?”
I shake my head and guess. “A hospital?”
“Yes, do you know why you are here?” she asks.
My answer comes a little slower this time as I cast a look towards Maggie. Embarrassment washes over me as I look down at the stark white hospital sheet before giving a jerky nod.
The doctor says something to the nurse that I don’t quite catch before stepping outside the room. The door closes with a resounding thunk that echoes in my chest as I blow out a soft breath. Shit, why do my ribs hurt so much? Did I fall after I passed out?
“B,” Maggie says softly.
My eyes slowly lift to find her staring at me. It’s not a look full of relief like it was at first; her eyes aren’t drowning with pity or even empathy either. They just look…intense. I’ve never been so afraid to make eye contact with someone in my life.
“Why?” she asks, her word cracking at the end.
I try to swallow, but there is currently a boulder in my throat preventing me from doing so.
“Did you read your letter?” I manage to rasp.
Maggie’s brows furrow as she shakes her head.
“What letter?”
Guess not, then. My cowardice was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain myself. That I wouldn’t have to crack myself open, raw and vulnerable like that face to face with…anyone. Then again, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to face anyone ever again, period. I’m so pathetic, I can’t even die properly.
Leaning my head against the pillow, I space off, staring at the crisp white wall that has an ever so slight peel to the upper corner. Maggie lets me sit there in silence for so long, I forget that I even want silence, and I speak.
“Who found me?”
“Me,” she answers.
My eyes swing to hers, a million emotions flickering inside me.
She wets her lips like that will help her find the words she’s searching for before she lets out a bitter laugh and shakes her head.
“I thought you were…when I walked in there I…I had a feeling and-and if I didn’t have that feeling you would have been…and then I would have been…”
My heart aches at her words. Out of anyone, I wouldn’t have wanted her to find me like that. She’s more sensitive than she lets on, more caring. It obviously hurt her, which means I hurt her, again. All I fucking do is keep hurting her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my lip wobbling as I speak. “I’m sorry you had to see me that way, Maggie. I…I’m sorry I didn’t do it right. I’m sorry you had t-to deal with that. I-I’m s-sorry,” I stutter as my chest begins to feel tight. I’m hyperventilating, I’m spiraling, and I don’t even know what way is up right now.
The monitors begin beeping like crazy and Maggie rushes beside me, rubbing my back in soothing circles as she shushes me.
“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay. Breathe. Breathe for me, B. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Doesn’t she get it? That’s the problem. That was going to be my escape, and now? I’m right back to where I was. Alone, isolated, and bleeding out on the inside.
Having Maggie’s arms wrapped around me, whispering all these assurances, does something to me. I crack. Sobs rip through me as I lean into her. All the pain and hurt inside me manifests itself in the form of violent cries, and Maggie holds me through it all.
The nurse rushes in, shouting something, and Maggie shouts back as she continues rubbing my back. I hear the nurse leave through my sobs when Maggie cups my face.
“Okay, baby B. I know this isn’t right or fair of me to ask, but I need you to stuff it down. I need you to take a breath because they are coming back in to sedate you and I can’t watch you lay here unconscious again, not knowing when you’ll wake up. Deep breaths, okay,” she says as she takes a deep breath.
My breathing is labored as I attempt to mimic her. It takes a few times before I can actually do so, and when I finally regulate my breathing, I feel like I can see for the first time. Maggie smiles, cupping my face gently as she nods.
“There’s my girl,” she whispers, almost to herself.
My stomach flips at her words, and all I want in the world is to burrow myself into her touch and never come up for air. I’ve never been so desperate for mere contact with another human in all my life.
A nurse and a doctor step inside, hands full of what I assume are sedatives when they pause, looking between Maggie and I curiously.
“Are you okay?” the doctor asks.
I turn to face her, forcing Maggie to drop her hold on me as I nod slowly. She stares at me for a moment before looking at the nurse and then back to me.
“Glad to hear it. Another doctor will be coming down to sit with you for a little bit, alright?”
I nod in response as both the nurse and doctor step out of the room. When I turn back to face Maggie, I see her watching me with so many complex emotions. Like they mirror the ones inside me. The problem is, I can’t figure out how to process any of them.
“I want to go home. When can I leave?” I ask.
Maggie frowns. “Not for seventy-two hours.”
I frown. That seems excessive for a drug overdose. Shouldn’t I…
“I’m on a psych hold, aren’t I?”
“I mean, B. You tried to kill yourself. You almost did. Yeah, you’re on a psych hold, babe.”
Tears spring to my eyes at her words, somehow making them feel so much more real. I did. I really did try to kill myself. Just from the sound of it, if Maggie hadn’t found me, I probably would have succeeded. That feels like divine intervention, whether it be a cruel punishment or a blessing, I haven’t quite decided.
A figure rushes into the room like a blur, his signature ‘scent’ trailing in with him.
“Bridgey! What happened? Are you okay? Maggie just told me you were here, and I came as fast as I could. Are you hurt?” Brad rambles, his eyes panicked and wide despite being glossy and red rimmed.
“Please don’t tell me you drove here like that,” I say as I gesture to him, blinking away my tears as discreetly as I can manage.
“Fuck no. I got a ride. Enough about me, though. What happened?” he asks.
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Maggie says as she heads for the door.
“You don’t have to go,” I say softly.
Please don’t go.
She gives me a tight smile. “I’ll just be out the door. Maryia has been trying to call me for a bit.”
My heart sinks at that. Right. Maryia. Her girlfriend.
Maggie slips out the door, shutting it behind her as I slowly bring my eyes back to Brad. He’s watching me with an intense amount of concern. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this concerned about anything…ever, really.
Closing my eyes, I blow out a soft breath.
“I took a handful of oxy in my dorm.”
“Bridgey,” Brad admonishes with a sigh. “You’re smarter than to fuck around with opioids. Weed is a way better vice to stick to. It’s natural, you can’t overdose and?—”
“I wasn’t trying to get high, Bradley,” I bite out, taking another breath before meeting his eyes.
He looks confused for a moment before understanding enters his eyes.
“I wanted to…I tried to….”
“No,” he rasps hollowly with a shake of his head. “No,” he says as he stands up and begins pacing the room. He digs his fingers into his thick hair, shaking his head rapidly before turning to me.
“No, I refuse to believe it. You wouldn’t do that to me, to yourself. You wouldn’t abandon me in this life. You’re all I have left, Bridge. I know we haven’t been that close since I moved out, and I know that’s on me. I can change, though. I’ll stop smoking weed. I’ll move back into the house. I’ll figure something out. I just…tell me this is a prank or intervention or some shit?” he asks.
I don’t speak, and his face crumples as he shakes his head.
“Bridgette, what the fuck,” he chokes out. “You were gonna leave me? Leave Maggie?”
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper.
“Say anything, an explanation why you tried to take my baby sister from me would be great,” he snarks, but there is no heat to his words. Only pain.
“Because I’m dying, Brad,” I say with blurry eyes, my throat tightening with every word. “On the inside, every day, every moment. Death seemed more welcoming than my next breath. I made a choice and…”
And nothing. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know how to feel about being here at this moment. I haven’t decided what would have truly been the preferred outcome. I’m so…lost.
A knock comes from the door and Brad takes a deep sniff, wiping at his eyes as a doctor steps inside. She has a kind smile as she moves towards me carefully, like I’m a wild animal.
“Hello, Bridgette. I’m Dr. McCarthy. Is it alright if I sit with you for a bit?”
Shrink is here.
“I’ll be outside,” Brad says as he quickly walks out the room, disappearing in the direction Maggie went.
Blowing out a breath, I lean my head against the pillow as I listen to Dr. McCarthy talk about her role and why she’s here.