Chapter 21
Dylan
“What if you lose it?”
Tucker’s words have been echoing through my head since I told him on the plane that I planned on bringing Emma here. He was adamant that he knows I wouldn’t do it on purpose, but that it’s still a risk.
As if I didn’t know it was.
As if I forgot that I’ll never be able to have a family of my own because I can be a threat to anyone at any moment. All it takes is a trigger, and I’m off like a bullet, tearing through anyone in my path.
Delta glances over at me, so in tune that he can sense when I start to teeter on the edge of that cliff. “I’m good, bud,” I tell him, then do my best to shift my attention away from the dark thoughts that never stray too far away.
Burgers sizzle on the grill, the hearty aroma filling my nose.
A glass of sweet tea in my hand, I stand on the back porch overlooking the pool I had installed last year.
It’s long and rectangular—the length perfect for swimming laps.
Which is one of the ways I cool off in the middle of the night when the nightmares hit.
The deep side is fifteen feet down, and there are moments where I’ll cling to a weight so I can completely submerge myself just to block out the screams echoing in my head.
The torturous drip, drip, drip that still haunts me.
Cold showers stopped working a long time ago. I need cold and exertion. Which isn’t great, come summertime when the water is nearly as warm as the air outside. Still, it’s something, and I’ll use whatever I can to regain myself during one of those attacks.
“This is so beautiful.”
I turn as Emma steps out onto the porch, wearing leggings and an oversized blue T-shirt that falls to her mid-thigh. She’s swept her hair off of her neck and into a high bun on top of her head, and her cheeks are tinged with pink, though there’s no makeup on her beautiful face.
She steals my breath. I flex the fingers of my free hand, wishing I could reach out and touch her. Run my fingers over the soft skin of her cheekbone as I brush strands of hair the color of sunlight behind her ear.
And then I hate myself a bit more for knowing that I can’t.
“Thanks.” I turn toward the pool. “The burgers will be ready in about fifteen minutes. Fries are in the oven.”
“Burger and fries? Mr. Hunt, you are spoiling me.” She leans forward, placing her forearms on the porch railing. “I always loved being here on the ranch. Growing up, it felt like this magical wonderland where anything was possible.”
“It’s a great place.”
“It really is.” She straightens, then makes her way down the back steps toward the pool. “When did you have this put in? Is it original to the house?”
I shake my head. “I added it last year. Same thing with my shop.” I point to the building to the right of the pool. It has its own porch with some chairs and a bathroom inside for anyone using the pool. I don’t have many visitors, but my family will occasionally come swim.
“It’s really nice. You should plant some more flowers out here,” she says, gesturing over toward the bare right side of the pool.
There’s a decent-sized grassy area between the pool and a road that leads toward Tucker’s place.
“Wildflowers,” she says softly, as if I don’t already know.
“Similar to the ones you have in front of your house.”
A house surrounded by wildflowers. Does she remember? Does she know that I planted those for her? As a way to bring a part of her here with me?
“I’ll look into doing that.”
“I can. If you like. Get the plants, and I’ll put them in the ground for you.” She beams at me. “It’s not like I have much else to do. And you said it was safe for me to be outside here, right?”
I nod. “We’re far enough from any accessible roads and surrounded on three sides by the shop, tree line, and house. It shouldn’t be an issue. Besides, he already knows you’re here with us. Not exactly a secret anymore.”
She smiles. “This is true.” Turning her attention back to the pool, she slips out of her sandals and steps onto the small ledge where the water is only a few inches deep, staying close to the edge of the pool.
Even though she’s in a place where she can stand, my stomach still lurches at the thought of her falling in.
“That feels amazing.” Closing her eyes, she tilts her face up to the sky and lets out a heavy sigh.
Warmth spreads through my chest as I watch her. Emma has always just fit. Even when I was an awkward kid with a crush on the girl who sat next to me in class. There wasn’t a day in our teenage years when I didn’t think we’d end up together. Married with kids, living here on the ranch.
Now she’s here, but it’s nothing like that. And it’s certainly not for forever.
“I would never want to leave this place.” Stepping out of the water, she retrieves her sandals. “I love that it’s not deep. It’s the only kind of water I want to be around.”
“You really need to learn to swim.”
“I’m too old now,” she jokes. “I would look ridiculous with floaties on.”
The mental image hits me fast, and I chuckle, imagining her wearing floaties on either arm. “Nah, I think you’d look adorable.”
“Adorable?” she grins.
My stomach flips. “Something like that.” The cell phone in my back pocket buzzes, so I withdraw it and check the readout. Lani’s name flashes on the screen. I tap to answer, then press the cell up to my ear. “Hey.”
“Hey there yourself, big brother,” Lani greets happily.
“How’s it going?”
“Not bad. Just left the clinic and wanted to check in on you.”
“I’m fine. Making dinner.”
“For yourself?”
I snort. “I’m assuming you know Emma is here?”
“A birdie told me.”
“That birdie named Riley?”
“You know he’s not great with secrets. The guy could be his own telegram company. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I know you will be, I’m asking if you are okay. After our talk?”
I shift my gaze to Emma, who’s standing near the grassy area and studying it like she’s picking out a plot for every single flower she plans to plant. Flowers I have every intention of going out and buying the first chance I get. “I’m doing good, sis, thanks for checking.”
“Anytime. All right, you know where I am if you need me. Love you.”
“Love you too.” After ending the call, I shove the phone back into my pocket and check the burgers. Since they’re ready to flip, I grab my spatula and flip both patties.
“Those smell delicious.” Emma walks up onto the porch and leans in closer to the grill, inhaling as she does. “I am so hungry.”
My vision swims, heart rate increasing in an instant. Sweat beads on the back of my neck, and I have to physically take a step back as that familiar panic begins to set in at her closeness. From the look on her face—she notices.
“I’m sorry,” she says as she quickly moves farther away.
I take three deep breaths to steady myself. Embarrassment heats my cheeks. Pathetic. I’m pathetic. “It’s okay.”
“I just forget sometimes.” She crosses her arms, gripping each elbow with the opposite hand. It’s her way of closing herself off, of trying to appear smaller than she is so I don’t lose my head.
How ridiculous is it that she has to?
“It’s okay,” I say again, this time a bit sterner. Not because I’m angry at her but because I hate myself for how I respond. She didn’t even touch me, and my body reacted as though I was facing down an armed assault. “I need to go grab something to carry these in on.”
She nods, so I head into the house, pausing in the kitchen a moment to catch my breath. Tears burn in my eyes. I want so badly to be normal. To be a man who deserves Emma. Will I ever be that man?
Or will she find someone else and move on before I am?
My gaze lands on the Bible on my counter.
On the ribbon bookmark hanging out from the bottom of it.
“If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me.” I read that in Jeremiah 29 just this evening. Right before Emma got here.
I’m looking. Why haven’t I found Him yet? Why hasn’t He taken this pain from me? Made me whole again? Will He ever?
“Thanks so much for this,” Emma says, holding up the now-empty bowl of popcorn in her lap. She’s seated on my couch, all the way against the edge, while I’m on a hard dining room chair, practically on the opposite side of the living room. Man, I’m pathetic.
Even Delta and Ash seem to be doing better than I am. My giant dog has curled himself onto the corner of his dog bed, while the feline is stretched out in the center, clearly at ease in his new environment.
“You’re welcome.” I shift my gaze back toward the television, where reruns of Scooby Doo have been playing since we sat down to eat dinner three hours ago.
I’m not even entirely sure what’s happening in the episode since all of my mental focus has been on trying to figure out how to survive the night.
She’ll be going to bed soon.
I need to go to bed soon.
But how am I supposed to sleep?
I’ve tried sedatives—they only make me more dangerous because I’m harder to snap out of the nightmare. Maybe I should have her tie me up? I glance over at her, trying to picture Emma zip-tying me to my bed frame.
Yeah, that won’t happen.
I could call Tucker and ask him, but on the off chance a threat really does arrive, I’d be helpless. Either way, I’m risking her life. I just need to trust she’ll lock the door and hope it’s strong enough to keep me out.
Emma yawns and stands. “I think I’m going to go to sleep.”
“Okay.” I stand and head into the kitchen as she does. “I’ll wash that; you can just leave it in the sink.”
“I don’t mind, Dylan.” She squeezes some soap onto the sponge, then turns on the water before she starts washing out the bowl.
She’d insisted on washing the dishes from dinner too.
Seeing her in my kitchen is driving me crazy. Because all I can think about is making her stay here. Of giving her a reason to take a chance on me again. Tightening my hands into fists at my sides, I try to beat back the voices in my head.
The ones laughing at me for even wishing for such a thing.
“You’re too broken,” they say.