22. Chapter 22
Christmas came and went without Knox. Then the New Year. I didn’t celebrate. I couldn’t. My sister went down to Florida to see my mom for the holidays, and I was supposed to go, too, but I told them I had to work. I said Dee and her family would gladly take me in for the holidays, so they didn’t have to worry about me being alone.
Then I told Dee I would be with my sister.
Of course, I fooled no one. My mom and sister video-called me repeatedly until I answered, and when they saw I was clearly in my own apartment on Christmas morning, my mom cried. Shortly after I hung up, the doorbell rang, and Dee came strolling in with containers of homemade food from her family gathering the night before.
I made myself a plate but mostly pushed the food around. It felt like my center of gravity was off ever since I watched Knox walk out the door of my apartment.
He called and texted and once he even came banging on my door. I think he was drunk or high, and I didn’t answer. It was cruel, I know, but they say cleaner breaks heal better than ragged ones, right?
Emily and I texted back and forth, still. No matter what happened between me and Knox, I didn’t have the heart to ostracize the entire family. She filled me in on how his parents and Bram were doing. She even insisted I go to her and Bram’s upcoming wedding in the spring, but I was noncommittal. Honestly, I didn’t know how I would be able to face Knox.
I avoided going out in case I ran into him. Even if he was all I thought about.
It was Valentine’s Day before my sister talked me into going out with her and Kirk, and a friend of his named Dylan. The younger sibling of someone she knew was having a party, and I figured it would be safe, since there was absolutely no way I would run into Knox there. The only time he went to a college party was with me, and since I wasn’t in college anymore, we hadn’t gone again.
As expected, the old Victorian house was busting with college coeds, drinking, dancing, playing flip cup. The four of us entered the house and pushed our way through the crowd to find the keg, where Kirk filled up four cups with cheap beer and dispersed them among us.
Someone caught Kirk’s attention, and he leaned down to Leanne. “Hey, babe, there’s some friends from work. I want to introduce you.”
Taking a sip of her drink, she nodded, then turned to me. “Be right back.”
Leanne’s “right back” was a little exaggerated because it had been well over an hour, and I hadn’t seen her. In the meantime, I had three, no, make that four beers, possibly? Either way, I was feeling good.
In no time, Dylan and I were jumping and laughing and moshing to music coming from the live band.
“Aren’t you sweating in that hoodie?” I shouted to him. He was wearing fitted jeans and a gray hoodie with some band I had never heard of or a logo that meant nothing to me on it.
I was in a pair of skinny jeans, and since I left my own hoodie in the car, I only had on a T-shirt.
“Yes! I’m dying,” Dylan said, trying to pull his hoodie over his head but getting stuck. I was a giggling mess. “Here!” I said. “Let me help.” I grabbed the hem at the waist and helped him pull it over his bent elbows above his head, and when I did his T-shirt rode up, exposing his ripped abdomen that boasted a big tattoo of a dragon along his side. The head was on the side of his peck, and the body went down his ribs, with the tail wrapping around onto the side of his back. It was colorful and beautiful.
“I like this,” I said, reaching out and running my fingers along the design, as if I would be able to feel it. He shivered, and I pulled my hand back. “Sorry,” I mumbled.
He just shook his head and chuckled.
Just then the band broke out into a Weezer cover, causing both Dylan and I to start jumping and cheering and singing, “whoa-oo-oh-oo-oh …”
I stumbled toward him, and Dylan caught me, resting his hands on either side of my hips to steady me, my hands landing on his chest. Looking up, we were frozen for a moment. I thought to myself, I could kiss him so easily. I could just close the distance between us and do it. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me to, and it wouldn’t heal my broken heart, but maybe it would just glue the gaping hole shut for the night, just for a few hours. But as I stared up at this cute guy in front of me, all I could think about was the other person who had the missing piece my broken heart.
Just then I was knocked from the back by someone passing through. “Oh, shit, sor—”
And as I turned around in Dylan’s arms, I was face-to-face, nose-to-nose with Knox.
“Lizzie.”
“Knox.”
And then I noticed his arm was behind him, and I followed it to where his fingers were intertwined with someone else’s. I followed that arm up to see Jenny. My eyes darted to his, which were fixed on my hips, where Dylan’s hands still rested.
I swallowed at the same time I saw Knox’s Adam’s apple bob.
“Hey, girl! It’s so great to see you!” Jenny cheered, pulling her hand from Knox’s and pulling me in for a hug. She then turned her attention to Dylan and stuck her hand out. “I’m Jenny. Knox’s colleague.”
“Hey,” Dylan said, pulling his hands off my hips to greet Jenny.
Knox and I were in a staring contest. Jenny scooted past me to stand next to Dylan, pulling him into conversation, leaving me and Knox to fend for ourselves.
“Surprised to see you here,” I shouted. I was too afraid to get any closer to him. It would hurt too much. And by the look in his eyes, I could tell he was hurting, too.
Knox was in a Mitchell Sons T-shirt and a pair of dirty jeans, which tells me Jenny forced him out after a day of work. His hair was a little shaggier. And his eyes were bloodshot, glazed, and had dark shadows beneath them.
“You’re with him?” he asked, eyes on me, nodding in Dylan’s direction.
“No, Knox,” I shook my head. “We came with Leanne and Kirk. They’re around here somewhere.” He nodded and ran a hand through his hair.
“I called. Texted. Came over.” His eyes were still glued to me, like he was trying to commit me to memory.
“I know. But I couldn’t, I can’t ...” I finally looked away from him and over to where Dylan and Jenny were chatting, her eyes on us.
“I should walk away now,” I heard Knox, and turned to look at him again. “I need to walk away. But all I can think is that the last time I saw you I didn’t know it was going to be the last, and I didn’t get a chance to take it all in, you know? So now, I feel like I need to just absorb this for a second, but, fuck, it still hurts.”
“Knox.” It was a plea.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Bye, Lizzie,” he said, then shoved his way past the crowd and out through the doorway. A moment later, Jenny followed, giving me a sympathetic look.
As Dylan came back toward me, he was scratching the back of his neck. “That was … intense.”
I cleared my throat to keep the tears at bay. “Let’s go find Leanne and Kirk, OK?” I asked as I left the room.
Suddenly sober, I found my sister and her boyfriend and put my blinders on in case I saw Knox again, but I knew he left. I didn’t feel him anymore.
I was unprepared when I got the call from Jenny later that night, asking that I help her find Knox, who was drunk, high and being reckless.
But there I was, pushing my way through the throngs of sweaty people swaying and moshing to the sounds of hardcore music coming from some mediocre cover band from the sunken stage at the front of a dingy club near Charlotte Beach. The music was way too loud, thumping in my eardrums and pulsing through my veins, making my heart beat erratically. It was dark, with strobe lights shooting here and there. And there was a thickness to the air from the hot bodies and breathing and sweating.
It was suffocating.
Jenny had called me hours after they ran out of the party, saying Knox went on a bender and he somehow ditched her, and she couldn’t find him. I debated whether me seeking him out would make matters better or worse, but in the end, I couldn’t just sit around knowing he was in bad shape—and possibly a bad situation.
After circling the entire club, I saw a couple come in from a side door that appeared to exit into an alley. I pushed that door open and stepped out into the air, which was shockingly cold compared to the inside. Quickly, I found the arm holes of the hoodie I was carrying and pulled it over my head.
Across the parking lot was the pier that went out into the lake, and from this distance, it looked like there were a few black figures—people—walking or standing on it. I waited for a car to pass on the street before crossing it, then slowly jogged across the parking lot past the carousel that hadn’t been operational for quite some time, and toward the pier.
I could hear the waves slamming against the side of the concrete slabs that made up the pier as I took hurried steps. The sound was amplified in my brain as I wondered where the hell Knox could be, and what state he was in. I panned the shore before my eyes settled on the old carousel and the hairs on the back of my neck raised.
The wooden structure was boarded up, but all I had to do was move a piece of plywood to make my way inside. It was dark, but there were splinters of light coming from the lights in the parking lot that gave off enough of a glow to make my way. To the side was the old pipe organ, and in front of me was the circle of colorful, wooden horses and bench seats that once made up the historic ride.
I stepped up onto the circular platform, hearing grit crunch under my shoes as I did. I slid my hand along a brown horse with fuchsia and teal reins, feeling the soot collect on my skin. Then I walked right into a cobweb, and quickly twisted and swatted my hands around me to pull the sticky strings away.
I heard a groan and shot my head up, wondering if I imagined it, then pushed forward, between horses and around a covered bench seat. I heard shuffling and another moan. “Knox?” I called out.
Another groan came from behind me. I turned and saw him, slumped in the bench seat I just passed.
“Knox!” I gasped and ran to him.
He was half-sitting, half-laying in the seat, so I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him into an upright seated position, watching his head roll this way and that. “What the hell did you do, Knox? What did you take?” I asked as I cupped his face with one hand, an arm still secured around his middle.
I pulled my phone out and called Jenny, who picked up on the first ring. “I found him, we’re at the carousel at the beach. Can you come help me get him to the car?”
“I’m around the corner. Be right there,” she said and hung up.
“Jeddy,” Knox mumbled, froth collecting at the corners of his mouth.
I looked at him and saw his eyes unfocused, bloodshot and rolling around in his head.
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, it’s Jenny. I’m going to help get you to the car.”
“Just …” He smacked his dry mouth a little bit. “Just leaf me.”
“I’m not leaving you here, Knox,” I said, as I jolted him a little to keep him alert. Seeing his eyes roll some more, I gave his face a slap. “Knox, come on. Stay awake, OK?”
Then his eyes seemed to settle on my face, and I could see his pupils narrowing as he tried to take in my features, fighting against the effects of the drugs, or alcohol, or whatever the hell he consumed.
“There she is,” he said, before almost collapsing forward again, and I had to use all my strength to keep him from spilling flat onto the floor.
Just then I heard Jenny call for me. “Over here!” I shouted, and eventually she made her way over.
“Shit,” she said as she rushed over to us.
“Shit is right,” I said. “He’s like dead weight.”
“Here,” she said as she pulled one of his arms over her neck, and I did the same with the other, and together we pulled him up and off the bench, around some horses, and stepped off the carousel. Then, with one of us under each arm and each of us wrapping ourselves around Knox’s torso, we nudged him, one painfully slow step at a time, out from inside the structure and toward Jenny’s car.
When we reached it, she pulled the driver’s side back door open, and somehow we folded him inside, shoved his body along the seat and tucked his long legs in front of him. He was slumped over, but at least he was on his side so if he puked, he hopefully wouldn’t choke on it.
After we shut the door, I turned to Jenny. “Any idea what he took? If he overdosed?” We were both breathing heavily. I wrapped my arms around my middle, and she placed hers on her hips.
“He drank a lot. Like, a lot,” she said, not meeting my eyes, then said sheepishly, “he took pills. Might have been an opioid.”
“For fuck’s sake, Jenny!” I barked out, throwing my hands up in the air.
“I know, I know!” she said, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry, he just, he was in a bad way—”
“Oh well he looks fucking fantastic right now.”
“I know, I’m sorry! I just … Lizzie, he was so—”
“Whatever,” I said, utterly spent, mind, body and soul. “Look, as long as you don’t think he needs to go to the ER to have his stomach pumped or treatment for overdose or anything, will you just take him home, please. But don’t leave him alone. Stay with him, OK?”
Looking confused, Jenny glared at me. “You’re not going to stay with him?”
“No,” I said. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him I was here tonight.”
“Lizzie—”
“No!” I barked. “Look. I know you guys are close, so just … be a good friend to him, OK?”
“Sure, sure.” She nodded as she looked down at her hands. “He’s lucky to have you.”
“Jenny,” I started as I backed away, in the direction of the club where my car was parked, “don’t make the mistake of thinking you and I are friends. Because we’re not. You almost killed Knox tonight. I’m glad you called me, but don’t do it again.”
And then I turned and ran away.
Two months later, I found myself standing outside the Harrow East Ballroom, alone, with my arms wrapped around my middle, contemplating whether I should go in.
Emily insisted I go to the wedding. She sent the invite, then texted and even called until I picked up, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She said the entire family wanted me there—even Knox.
Despite the warm spring weather, I was chilled in my flowy purple gown that went to my ankles. It had a halter top and an exposed back. For once, I put my hair up. I sat in the back of the church and seemed to be unnoticed during the ceremony, so I just needed to make it through the reception without … what? Running into Knox? Not gonna happen.
He looked amazing in his tux and bow tie, standing up for his brother. He looked much better than he did the night of the party months prior, and I hoped that meant he cut the drugs. His hair was cropped shorter, and his eyes looked brighter, despite the tears in them as Bram and Emily said their vows. I wondered if he was thinking of the vows he and I were supposed to exchange, and then I felt like shit for ruining that future we once saw for ourselves.
But at least I didn’t string him along. That would have been worse.
Expelling a breath, I opened the doors to the venue and walked in, immediately enveloped by the steamy, crowded air. I recognized some of the guys from Mitchell Sons but managed to duck by them. I found the seating chart and saw I was sitting with a bunch of names I had never heard of, thankfully.
I spotted the bride and groom in the corner greeting a table of guests. Emily looked stunning in a strapless dress with a ginormous, poofy skirt that billowed all around her and even trailed behind her. I couldn’t imagine her in anything else.
And she was glowing. She and Bram both were. They looked so happy.
I decided to wait to greet them, and instead headed toward the bar. I didn’t really want to drink, but I wanted to keep busy. As I approached, a couple turned away from the bar with their drinks, revealing Knox standing there accepting his glass. As if he could sense me, his shoulders stiffened, and he slowly turned to face me.
Then he smiled. It was a melancholy smile, but it was still a smile.
“Hi,” I said pathetically.
“Hi,” he replied, his eyes trailing me up and down. “You look absolutely beautiful.” He ran a hand through his short hair, chuckling. “Can I say that?”
I nervous laughed, too, looking at my shoes then back up into his eyes. “Yes, Knox. And thank you. I must say, you look a little dashing yourself.”
“Dashing?” he beamed, standing up taller and pretending to straighten his bow tie. “I’ll take that.”
We stood in silence for a beat before he asked, “How have you been, Lizzie?”
“I’ve been …” broken, sad, devastated … “I’ve been OK. How about you?”
“I guess I’ve been … OK, too. How’s the job at the paper? I see your byline all the time.”
“Yeah?” I had assumed he wouldn’t want to see my name or read my stories after everything.
“Of course,” he said, leaving his water on the bar and putting his hands in his pockets. “I’ve always been your biggest fan. You know that.”
Twisting my fingers in front of me, I couldn’t help the word that slipped from my lips. “Still?”
“Always,” he replied without hesitation.
“Hey, how about a dance?” I heard Jenny’s voice as she wrapped a hand around Knox’s bicep and pulled herself into him, before seeing me. “Oh! Hey, Lizzie,” she said, a little awkwardly, and I didn’t know if it was due to our last encounter, or because she was with Knox. But after a minute, she dropped Knox’s arm and threw hers around my neck, swaying me from side to side in a dramatic hug.
“Girl, you just look more beautiful every time I see you! Isn’t that right, Knox?” She looked at him over her shoulder, and he grinned.
“You look fantastic, Jenny. I love this dress,” I tried to act cool, calm and collected, even though my heart was pounding in my chest.
Are they together? Is she his date? That’s good, right? I wanted him to move on. Be happy. Why does it hurt so bad?
“Thanks! I got it from a trunk show,” she replied, smoothing her hands down the short, red number with a scoop neck. Very sexy. Very Jenny. Very not me.
She backed up and the three of us stood in silence for a second before I attempted to make my exit. “I’m just going to go to the ladies’ room before we all sit for dinner.”
“Did you want a drink?” Knox asked, noticing I never got one.
“Oh, um, no that’s OK. I’ll just wait till dinner.”
I spun on my heel and found my way to the ladies’ room. As I was drying my hands, the outer door swung open and Jenny came sauntering in. “You don’t have a hairpin in your clutch, do you?” she asked.
“Um,” I said, shuffling through my purse. “No such luck. Sorry.”
“No worries,” she said as she reapplied her lip gloss. “So, no date tonight?”
“No. No date.”
“I’m sure Knox is relieved about that,” she said, looking at me in the mirror.
Not sure if I was picking up what she was putting down, I asked, “So, you two aren’t here together? As in, together together?”
Jenny shook her head, eyes wide. “No. Look, I know the last time we saw each other wasn’t cool, and that was all me. I thought I was being a good friend, but I realize otherwise now. But you need to know that while Knox and I are often together in that we are each other’s plus-one when we don’t have a date to the holiday party or a wedding or whatever, we are never together in that sense. Like, ever. The handholding, dancing, hugging, anything you see like that, it’s strictly platonic. I’m his work wife, or whatever the term is.”
“Oh,” was all I could manage to say.
Placing her lip gloss back in her purse, Jenny swiveled around to face me, placing her hands on the sink behind her. “He still loves you, you know?”
I looked down at my feet, up at the ceiling, then back at her, and swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I’m sorry. I’m out of line,” she said, pulling away from the sink and waving her hands in front of her like she was trying to clear the air. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys, but I know it must have been something because you guys were like, you know … amazing together.”
He didn’t tell her about the miscarriage. For some reason it made me feel better that he didn’t share intimate details of our life with Jenny.
“Gah! Anyway …” she trailed off as she headed toward the door. “I’ll see you on the dance floor?”
I nodded. It was all I could do.
Later, I sat at my assigned table and listened to the people around me talk. Sometimes they included me in the conversation to be polite, and I think I did a fine job of acting socially acceptable. Then the bride and groom were introduced, and I joined all the people who started standing to circle the dance floor as they had their first dance as husband and wife.
They were truly a stunning couple. Holding hands, Bram pulled Emily into the center and twirled her around until she was in his arms, one securely around her waist, the other holding her hand that he pulled close between their bodies. Forehead to forehead, they swayed to “Love” by Joni Mitchell.
My chest tightened. Would Knox and I have gone for a full formal affair like this? Or would we have gone lower key?
As the song played on, the DJ invited other couples to join them on the dance floor. I saw Knox’s parents make their entrance, and then some of the cousins and people I didn’t know. I saw Jenny pull one of the guys from work out dramatically.
Then I felt him next to me. I didn’t have to look up to see Knox standing there. I knew it was him.
“Would it be a bad idea to ask for a dance?” His voice was low, shaky and unsure. So unlike the Knox I knew.
Slowly, I turned my head until my eyes met his. They were pleading. Begging. My chest ached and everything in me told me it was a bad idea, and I would pay for this decision dearly. But standing there with the opportunity to be back in Knox’s arms, without any reason for this to lead to something else, I nodded my head.
His face fell. “Oh, OK …”
“No, I mean, yes, we can dance. Not, yes, it’s a bad idea to ask.” I rolled my eyes and looked away, embarrassed by my shaky hands and voice.
He chuckled that familiar chuckle I knew in my bones, then waved a hand in front of him, toward the dance floor, indicating I should go first. As I stepped off, he placed his hand on the bare skin on my back, and I nearly jumped.
This was a bad idea.
When we got to a free space, I turned around and awkwardly put my hands up on his chest, not sure what to do with them. But, much like his brother had with Emily, Knox pulled my hip toward him and snaked an arm around my lower back, resting his entire flat hand on my skin, and cupped my other hand in his and brought it to rest between our chests.
My stomach flip-flopped. I can’t do this. Neither can he.
I turned my head slightly to the side and rested it on his chest, and he laid his cheek on my hair as I took slow, steady breaths in an attempt to keep my tears at bay.
I could feel his heart knocking inside his chest just as fiercely as mine was. The electricity between us sizzled and crackled, and burned everywhere we touched. This is just lust, I told myself over and over again. I’m used to hot and heavy with him, so my body is reacting to his nearness. That’s all.
The DJ bled one song into the next, and Coldplay’s “Sparks” began playing, and we continued dancing. I felt Knox’s fingers flex and curl against my back, as he started rubbing circles on the hand he was holding by our chests with his thumb. He had to have felt me shudder.
“Baby,” he breathed out so low I wasn’t sure he actually said it.
And my chest cracked open. He tried to use our clasped hands to tip my head toward his, but I wouldn’t allow it. He must’ve felt my tears hitting his hand because his hold on me tightened. “It’s just a dance,” he whispered, ever so softly. “We’re just dancing.”
I shook my head and sniffed. “No,” I said, just as low. “It’s definitely not just a dance.”
A moment passed, and then it was me who felt wet tears drip onto my bare shoulder. Tears that didn’t belong to me. And I heard the faintest plea. “I don’t want to be sad anymore.”
That was the breaking point.
“Tell Bram and Em it was a beautiful wedding,” I said, before I used every bit of strength I had in me to untangle myself from the man I still loved and push away from him.
“Lizzie, please,” he begged as he held onto my hand as long as he could, our arms fully stretched out before our fingers finally slipped from one another’s.
I didn’t look back at him. I made my way to the table to grab my purse, then rushed outside and ran down the street, around the corner and to my car. I turned the ignition and pulled away before Knox could have a chance to come find me.
After all, I was the one who was lost.