32. Chapter 32
Knox and I had gone with Jenny and her then-boyfriend, Jake, to a club downtown to see a band play some cover music. It was about three months after the crash and our first time out together since it happened. We used to double-date all the time, sometimes with Monty and his wife, or Dee and her man of the hour, or even with Knox’s coworker, Gino.
We had been out with Jenny and Jake a few times, and it was my idea to go out that night. Knox had just been so introverted since the accident, and I knew he had been able to talk to Jenny about it, and I wanted him to feel comfortable with us all hanging out.
It was cold, and I wished I were wearing sweatpants instead of skinny jeans and a thin jacket. Knox was in jeans and a zip-up hoodie. However, it didn’t take long once we were inside the packed venue before I shrugged off my jacket and placed it over the back of a tall stool at a high table we were lucky enough to snag. The fluttering cap sleeves on my red silk shirt were enough to keep me warm.
Knox also took off his hoodie, wearing a plain black V-neck tee underneath. He draped his arm over the back of my stool, over my jacket, and brushed my shoulder with the tips of his fingers as we chatted and listened to the band. I don’t think he even realized he was doing it, which made the feeling even better.
Jenny looked freaking amazing, as usual. She was one of those bitches that looked better without makeup. And her hair was naturally blonde. It was hanging loosely in waves halfway down her back. I was also envious of her body. She wasn’t thin, but she was fit. She had a little bit of a booty, and broad shoulders—for a woman, but her waist dipped in nicely. She wore a skirt with army boots, like a total badass.
The band was good, considering it was just a group of local guys, and we laughed as we ate Buffalo wings and split a pitcher of beer, the sound of various rock genres providing background music for us. It was loud enough we had to raise our voices, but not so loud it was uncomfortable.
Knox seemed to really be enjoying himself. His laugh was genuine, and he and Jake were hitting it off more than they ever had.
To my surprise, Jenny and I began chatting it up, as well, touching on the latest celebrity gossip and local politics.
I noticed our pitcher of beer was empty, but I wasn’t about to suggest we refill it, because I didn’t want any of us to get too sloppy and ruin this perfect night. I did, however, feel like I could use some water.
“I’m gonna grab water at the bar. Anyone else want anything?” I stood from the stool, and Knox also rose from his seat.
“I can get it for you,” he said.
“I’m fine,” I said, placing my hand on his bicep. “Really, my ass is falling asleep anyway. I need to move.”
“Actually, I could use a water, too!” Jenny requested over Knox’s shoulder, and I gave her a nod.
It had gotten pretty packed in the venue. I had to slink between sweaty bodies and wait in a crowd of about three people deep before I finally got the attention of a bartender and asked for the water.
As I made my way back to the table I was cursing under my breath as the water sloshed and spilled all over me, thinking it would be a miracle if these small plastic cups had any liquid left in them by the time I got back to our seats, after being pushed around in the crowd.
I found Jake sitting at the table, scrolling through his phone.
“Where did they go?” I asked over the noise as I set the waters down.
“Bathroom.”
I nodded. “So,” I said, taking a seat next to Jake. “Things seem to be going well with you and Jenny?” It was a question and a statement in one.
He gave a lopsided smile. “Yeah … I guess.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “You guess?”
Jake sighed. “She’s been a little distant lately.”
“Well, after the accident and everything, that’s understandable.”
He squinted at me. “No, see, after the crash, Jenny was super dependent on me. She never wanted to be alone. We practically lived at each other’s apartments. And I feel like a dick for saying this, but it was kinda nice. To be needed, you know? The past few weeks, though, it’s like she’s pulled away. I mean, I’m glad she’s getting back to life like it was before. I can tell her head is back in the game when she talks about work. But I don’t know, things feel a little off between us. Maybe I’m just being needy.”
I gave Jake’s arm a squeeze. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. This whole thing has affected us, too. You and me.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m not getting high every day.”
What?
My attention was stolen by a familiar Kings of Leon song the band started playing. “I’m gonna go see if they got lost,” I said to Jake as I slid off the stool and headed toward the other side of the crowd of people who were swaying to the music. Knox also loved this song, and I wanted him to hear it, too.
I had to pass through singles dancing and couples canoodling. “Excuse me … sorry … just trying to get to the bathrooms …” Some made way for me, others barely moved, and I had to suck in, turn sideways and try to get past with as little contact as possible.
I felt a hand on my hip and a voice in my ear. “Hey there, sweetheart. Where are you rushing off to?”
I knew damn well that gravelly voice didn’t belong to Knox. I looked up and realized I was almost flush against a guy with several years on me. He was of medium build with short salt-and-pepper hair. We were face to face and his breath reeked of cigarettes.
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I tried to ignore his come-on and keep moving.
But he dug his fingers into my hip and wrapped his other hand around my back, pulling me into him as he bowed his back slightly, so I was almost curved into him. “Nah, sweetheart. You’re rubbing all up against me, you can’t just leave me hanging like that.”
With both hands I tried to push his chest away from me, but he was strong, and drunk or high. I looked over his shoulder toward the bathrooms for Knox but couldn’t find him. I looked back toward the table, but Jake had his face in his phone. I just kept pushing this guy away and, thankfully, someone next to us took notice.
“Dude, she doesn’t look interested,” a young punk-rocker said, grabbing the guy’s shoulder and pulling him back, sliding his arm between our bodies.
I felt a cold breeze and looked up to see Knox and Jenny coming in from the outside. He and I locked eyes right away. He stalled for a heartbeat, then his eyes darted to the guy with his hand still on my hip, the punk-rocker pulling his shoulder, and now another guy also coming to my aid.
The crowd of people parted for Knox like he was Moses parting the Red Sea. He grabbed the guy by the back of his shirt and pulled him back with such force he fell all the way back onto the floor, and Knox was on top of him. He delivered one, two, three punches to the guy’s face, but a couple of bouncers caught his arm while he attempted a fourth hit.
“Knox!” I yelled. “KNOX stop it!”
He was pulled off the guy, and one of the bouncers with arms the size of my head grabbed him by the face, looking right at him. “Dude … DUDE … Back off!”
Knox heaved heavy breaths as his eyes panned around and found me. He reached out his hand and grabbed mine. “You OK?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”
The bouncer chimed back in. “Can I let you go?” he asked Knox. “So we can escort this guy out? Are you gonna be chill, or are we going to have more problems?”
“We’re good,” Knox answered. “We’re leaving anyway.”
He pulled me behind him toward our table, where we grabbed our things. Knox pulled his wallet out of his pocket and threw several bills on the table. A piece of garbage floated onto the floor as he did so, and he kicked it away with his foot.
“Uh, we’re heading out, I guess,” I said to Jake, who still was processing the whole fight, and Jenny, who was sliding into her own jacket.
“Go,” she said, waving her hand, looking at her jacket as she zipped it.
Knox led me out of the venue and tucked me into the side of his body as we walked down the street and entered the nearby parking garage. I didn’t notice him unlock the passenger door of the truck before he opened it for me. I turned to face him before I climbed in. We made eye contact. His pupils were wide, he was breathing heavily, and he looked panicked.
I pressed my forehead to his and he willingly leaned into me, keeping his hands on the door and the side of the truck.
“I’m OK,” I said. “It was just a stupid schmuck.”
I felt him nod. “I know,” he said.
I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled back just enough to look him in the eyes. He let out a breath and pulled me in close, hugging me fiercely, and, if I wasn’t mistaken, avoiding a kiss I was about to place on his lips.
He was quiet the short drive home, aside from the few times he asked me, “You sure you’re OK?” I reassured him every time I was completely fine, and the whole scene was unnecessary. He put his hand on my thigh, and I noticed his bloody knuckles.
When we got home and he parked the truck, he rushed around to my side to meet me before I was even halfway out. He took my hand and led me up the stairs, where he unlocked our door at the top. I walked in first, and greeted our barking dog as I toed out of my shoes and slid off my jacket. I turned to see Knox leaning his back against the closed door. His hands dragged down the sides of his face.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Knox, this really isn’t a big deal.”
He walked toward me but stopped by the island and leaned against it with both hands. His back slouched and his head hung between his shoulders, but his eyes were looking up at me. I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen him like this.
His lips moved, but I could barely hear the words he breathed.
“Knox?” I took half a step toward him, and he stalked the rest of the way toward me, grabbing my face in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” he said, kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my neck, then finally my lips. “I’m sorry.” He continued to trail kisses across my shoulder as his hands slid down my sides, around my body, down my hips and ass. “I’m so sorry.”
I was breathless as he walked us back toward the couch and his kisses returned to my mouth, almost suffocating me.
“Knox,” I said between gasps of air. “It’s not your fault.”
He silenced me with his mouth once more as my ass hit the back of the couch, and he started pulling up my shirt. It came over my head, and he tossed it on the floor. He then unzipped his hoodie and pulled his arms out of it before reaching over his head and pulling his T-shirt off, then his hands and mouth were back on me. His lips and tongue danced across my collar bone, my sternum, the tops of my breasts as his hands worked them, as well.
It had been so long since we were intimate, and our senses were on overload.
I worked the buckle on his belt and the button on his jeans all at once. He did the same with mine. Knox grabbed me by the hips, roughly, steering me toward the bedroom, all the while his kissing and nipping returned to any part of skin his mouth could reach.
He gently guided me down onto the bed and pulled my jeans off before I reached up and helped shimmy his down his legs where they dropped into a pile on the floor. He crawled on top of me and continued his kissing assault.
I remember thinking how wonderful it was because we never kissed that much anymore. Not only since the accident, but since we had been together so long. He was kissing me long and slow, hard and fast, and he was unrelenting.
His hands were slow as he undid my bra and pulled it off, then worked my breasts. He slid his hands down around my ass, under my panties, then wrapped my leg around his hip. He moved his hand to the inside of my thighs as I slid my hand under his boxers. This time I could feel him respond.
He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand back out and pinned it up by my head. We stilled for a brief second while his eyes bore into mine, then he put his mouth back on me as he ground his pelvis into mine. A moment later, he released my hand and started tugging down my panties. His boxers were next.
With one arm bracing himself above me, the other hand roamed my body for what seemed like forever as he nuzzled my neck, with little suckles, nips and kisses in between. I could feel him hard against me and wondered why he was waiting to enter me.
Finally, he pressed my knees apart with his and spread my legs as he slid in, slowly, torturously. Once he was all the way in, he paused, breathed out, then pulled back and slid in again. Taking my face in his hands and looking me dead in the eye, he kissed me slow and deep as he continued this rhythm of out and in, pull and push. We moved, and kissed, and panted wordlessly until I couldn’t take it anymore. I tightened around him with shakes, quivers and pulses.
Knox pushed hair away from my forehead and kissed me there, then my cheeks, my neck. And then he started to pull away.
“Wait,” I tightened my legs around him.
He kissed me again, softly. “I’m good, baby. I wanted you to feel good, that’s all.”
He tried to pull away but I pushed his shoulder and rolled us over so I was straddling him, and I began to move.
“Shit,” he cursed through clenched teeth. “Lizzie, you don’t—” and then his head rolled back and his hands moved to my hips.
I rode him slowly at first, the way he did to me only moments before. Then I started rocking harder.
“God, baby, I don’t deserve this,” Knox growled as he started to move his hips with mine.
“Shhh,” I breathed close to his mouth as I took my turn nuzzling his neck. I could tell by the bulging vein there he was close. I slowed my rhythm just the slightest and made sure to ride him completely up and back down a few times—and then he came unhinged. He grabbed my hips as he bucked up and groaned my name, then fell back down onto the mattress, circling his arms around my back and holding me close to him.
“Don’t move,” he breathed, his chest moving up and down with me on top of him. “Just, don’t move a second.”
We stayed like that for a few moments until he started rubbing his hand up and down my back, which I took as an indication I could climb off him.
I did so, and he rolled onto his side and pulled me close to him, my back to his front. I could feel the sticky evidence of our lovemaking between us. He said nothing. I was just going to let us both fall asleep like that, but then I felt a little shake. No, it was more of a trembling.
It was Knox. I rolled over in his arms and saw tears streaming down his face as he was trying to stifle a sob.
“Woah! Knox, what’s going on?” I grabbed his face in my hands and wiped his tears with my thumbs, but they just kept coming as he sucked in a garbled breath and heaved out a cry.
“I’m sorry,” he cried as we enveloped each other. “I’m so fucking sorry!”
I was shocked, but not surprised. I knew this had to be coming, and to be honest, I was glad it did. He held so much in over the past few months that it couldn’t be healthy. He sobbed, and shook, and gasped for air until there was nothing left. And I smoothed his hair, rubbed his back and absorbed his tears the whole time.
I knew the moment he fell asleep. I sensed it the way I imagine you can sense someone taking their last breath. Then I laid there—uncomfortable, heartbroken, yet, somehow, happy.