34. Chapter 34
Iwoke to the sound of a thud and a “shit,” and as I glanced up I saw Knox standing by the dresser with a towel around his waist, water droplets on his skin and hair. “Sorry,” he said, retrieving the bottle of cologne he dropped on the floor. “I wanted to let you sleep.”
“S’OK,” I said groggily. I was still naked, so I kept the blankets pulled up around me. While the night prior—when we came back from our night out with Jenny and Jake, and Knox cried in my arms—seemed to rip the doors back open on our intimacy, I still felt insecure being naked in the light of day.
And it was definitely light out.
“What time is it?” I asked as I sat up, noticing Kennedy still sleeping on the carpet.
“Almost nine,” Knox replied as he dropped the towel and pulled his boxers on.
“Really?” That was late for us.
“Really.” He buttoned a pair of jeans and strolled over to me. He plopped down on the bed and smoothed a hand over what I’m sure was my unruly hair. “Sorry about last night. I guess the floodgates finally broke.”
“Knox, this is gonna sound odd, but I’m glad they finally did.”
He chuckled, kissed my forehead, and said, “I understand.” Then he stood. “I’m starved. Let’s get breakfast. Who knew being emotionally vulnerable could leave you famished?”
I smiled the first genuine smile in months. This was so much closer to the Knox I knew. “Just gimme five minutes to shower?”
“Nah,” he said, tossing one of his T-shirts at me. “I like when you smell like me. Put that on and be ready in two minutes or I’m leaving without you.” Then he headed into the living room.
I smiled like a sixteen-year-old cheerleader who just woke up in the quarterback’s bed, kicking the sheets off me and bounding out of bed. I felt lighter. Happy. Hopeful.
“You’ve got thirty seconds before all the pancakes they make at the diner are mine,” I heard Knox yell from the living room. I pulled on a pair of yoga pants, put on my bra and dragged his shirt over my head. I was smoothing my hair back into a hair tie as I ran out of the bedroom.
“Don’t even joke about that, Knox Angus Mitchell!” I shot at him as I wiggled a foot into a shoe. From the corner of my eye, I saw him still, then he lunged at me. I wasn’t quick enough to avoid his tackle, which I knew was coming. I knew he hated me using his middle name.
His arms were around me, lifting me, tickling me as I squealed like a schoolgirl. “No one calls me that!” he shouted as he continued his assault.
“OK, OK! Truce!” I begged him to stop, and he slid me down the front of his body. Both of us breathless.
“Are you going to behave?” he asked, his arms still around my waist.
I nodded.
“No, babe, I need to hear you say it, or else—” and his tickling started again. I jumped.
“Yes! Yes I’ll behave! Promise.”
“You ready to go?” he pushed.
I nodded. “I just need my hoodie.”
He snagged mine off a peg hanging from beside the door. “And you’re going to promise to never use my wretched middle name ever again?”
“Scouts honor!” I said, holding up two fingers.
Knox laughed. “I’m pretty sure that’s the peace sign, but I’ll take it.” Then he kissed my lips quickly, released me, and helped me into my hoodie. He grabbed me by the hand, swiped his keys off the island with the other, and we were headed out the door.
With each step we descended, I felt like we were taking a step back to “us.”
I heard the truck beep as we approached, indicating he unlocked the doors, and he lightly swatted my ass as we separated to get in. “Hurry up, woman! I’m hungry!”
“Damn!” I rubbed my rump in mock pain. “You’re hangry, is what you are.”
We were both giggling like crazy. I got to my door first and pulled it open, then slid my phone out of my pocket so it didn’t fall out when I got in, but my clumsy hands dropped it between the seat and the side of the truck.
“Shit,” I muttered as I slid my hand in the small opening to retrieve my phone. I could feel it, but because it’s such a small space I had to pinch it between my middle and forefinger and pull it up. It slipped and fell back down, so I went after it again, this time reaching my other hand under the seat from the front to see if I could get it that way.
I pinched it again and pulled it up, this time successful, but I also landed my other hand on something slippery and silky and … unmistakable.
I pulled my hand out and glanced at what I was holding just as Knox opened his door. “You need help?” he asked, looking at me from the other side of the truck. His face changed as he glanced down at my hand, then back at my face, then at my hand, then at my face. Then he paled.
With both doors to the truck open, the wind was being sucked through, as we both stood at either side. Unmovable.
I looked down at my hand, which held a condom. A used condom. “What … Knox, what is this?” The question sounded stupid, because of course we both knew what it was.
He was silent, one hand on the door to the truck, the other braced against the seat, like he was holding himself up.
I slid the condom between my thumb and fingers. It was still wet. “Is this … I don’t … Knox?”
It looked like his lips were moving to shape words, syllables, but nothing came out. But it wasn’t necessary anyway. His eyes and face said it all.
One last hope burned in my chest as I threw out the question. “Did someone borrow your truck?”
He swallowed. Then, so quiet, almost inaudible, Knox replied. “No.”
I looked down again, realizing I was still holding the used condom in my hand, and dropped it, wiping my hand on my pants. Memories of the previous night came rushing back. He and Jenny disappearing to go to the bathroom. Seeing them come in from the outside as I was being manhandled. Knox’s apologies all night. His breakdown. Our own intimacy …
When I was a kid, I fell out of a tree in the front yard and had the wind knocked out of me. I was several feet up when I fell, and when I hit the ground, flat on my back, it was a good few seconds before I could suck any air into my lungs. I remember trying to inhale, but I couldn’t get any air in. Until, finally, my body seemed to jolt back to life.
That same feeling hit like a freight train.
“Oh God!” I started to back away from the truck.
“Liz—”
“Oh God!”
“Please, let me explain.” Knox looked like he couldn’t decide if he should climb through the truck to get to me or run around it, ultimately shutting the door and rushing round the front of the vehicle.
“We were all together! You, what, took her out to the truck and fucked her between songs?!”
“God, Lizzie, it was not supposed to happen.” He was coming toward me like he expected me to let him embrace me.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I put my hands up, and he froze in understanding.
My chest heaved. It felt like someone shoved their fist right through me and was ringing my heart out like a sponge. Squeezing, squeezing … I couldn’t settle my thoughts on a single pain, there was too much.
“Lizzie.” I could hear the choking in his voice.
I was bent over, one hand on my knee, the other flat against my chest. Breathing heavy. Tears had started flowing at some point, I’m not entirely sure when.
“Lizzie.”
I just shook my head from side to side, still bent over. I couldn’t bear to look at him. So many questions swam in my head I needed to know right then, but also never wanted to know. I was combusting. Equal parts burning and shattering. Drowning and sprinting. The bottomed-out feeling was taking over, like coming over the crest of a hill on a roller coaster and suddenly plunging.
I managed a peek up at Knox, and he also looked broken. Despite his height over me, especially with me bent over, he looked small. Pale. Fragile.
“I will spend every second of the rest of my life regretting it,” he whispered. “I wish I could take it back.”
Straightening, I slowly headed toward the house. It felt like the world was swaying. Like I had just gotten off the Tilt-O-Whirl. I could hear Knox behind me. I got to the door and waited for him. I didn’t have my keys since we had planned to take his truck, and I needed him to unlock the door, which he did. Once it was open, I pushed past him and slammed it shut, falling back into it and sliding down it until I was on the floor.
I heard and felt a thunk on the other side of the door, and I knew Knox was sitting against the other side of it.
That’s when I broke.
I let out a scream. A raw, ragged growl that rang in my ears as I pulled at handfuls of my hair. I heaved sobs and wiped the snot from my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie. I pressed my palms into my eyes as the minutes passed, and they swelled up.
“Was this the first time?” I asked, and although I was quiet, I knew Knox could hear me, because without hesitation, he answered.
“Yes.”
“It never happened before?”
“No. Never.”
“Never even before the accident?”
There was a second’s pause, then, “N-no,” but it came out as two syllables, like he couldn’t believe I was asking the question. “Lizzie, no. I swear that was never … No.”
We were quiet for another minute before I started again.
“I went to get a water … I went to get a water, Knox, and you took her to the truck and …” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t say the words, or her name.
After a moment, he began, “I said I had to pee, and as I stood up, she said she needed to go, too. There was a line for the ladies’ room she got in as I stepped into the men’s room, and when I came out, she wasn’t in line anymore. I saw her heading out the front door. I followed her and when I caught up to her outside, she said she was going to pop a squat around the side of the building. You know Jen—” he cut himself off from finishing her name, as I blanched at the mere start of it.
“I followed her around the side alley but there were people there—a couple making out, a dude pissing on the wall, someone on their phone. She was hopping from foot to foot saying she really had to go, so I told her to follow me. We went past the parking garage and to the next alley, which was empty, and she squatted down to pee. I stood in front of her, my back to her, to kind of shield her, I guess. Not that that’s important …
“Anyway, she finished, stood, and we started back, but since we were passing the parking garage, she asked if I had any wipes or hand sanitizer in the truck, which I did. It took us a minute to find the truck because it was so dark. When we got to the truck, I unlocked it and she opened the passenger door, popped open the glove box, and found what she needed.”
He was quiet for a minute.
“I was leaning my back against the truck. Just waiting. The door was open, and she was leaning against the seat, standing next to me, waving her hands in the air to dry them. I think it hit us both, the realization the last time we were both in my truck was the night of the accident. I didn’t want to give voice to the thought, but she did. She asked me how often I think about that night. When I didn’t answer she said she thinks about it all the time and could only imagine I do the same. She started saying I need to talk about it, I need to get over my guilt. That it was her fault anyway.
“I told her we should go, and I started to tug her arm to pull her away from the seat so I could shut the door, but she grabbed my face and told me to man up. She said she could see the way you and I were together and if I didn’t get my head straight, I would lose you. And with our faces that close I could see how glassy her eyes were. I don’t know if you realize this, but she was high last night. She’s been high a lot.”
“Have you been? Getting high?” I rushed out.
“No. I haven’t used in years.” There was a pause when I didn’t respond. “Do you believe me?”
I huffed out a laugh. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
I heard Knox let out a heavy breath. “I don’t miss it, Lizzie. You have to believe me. But last night, for just a moment, I wished I had an escape. I was jealous I didn’t. And I knew the high she was feeling and how it makes everything feel …”
It was quiet as he was debating how far he should go. How far I wanted him to go.
“Tell me,” I said, sternly.
“She told me I would lose you, and the thing was … I felt like I should. I’ve felt that way ever since the crash.”
Another moment of silence passed as my stomach bottomed out some more. But I needed to know. It’s sick and sadistic and unexplainable, but I had to know everything. “Keep going,” I breathed.
I heard a heavy sigh. “She knew what was going through my head, and I knew what the drugs were doing to her body, and then we were grabbing at each other. Before we … she said I needed a condom, and I knew I had one in the glove compartment from eons ago.”
“And it was that easy for you?” I was crying. “You just thought, ‘Oh, great. I’ve got one!’ and you rolled it on and, what? Bent her over?”
No response.
“Knox?!”
“It was fucking torture, Lizzie!” he cried. “I was sorry before it even happened!”
“Bullshit!” I let out a scary laugh. “How long did it last?”
“I- I don’t know. Not long.”
“What happened after?”
“Neither of us said anything. We straightened our clothes, walked in silence back to the club. As we got closer, I started to lose my breath. I turned around, leaned against the side of the building. I was panicking. Jenny said to forget it. Forget it ever happened. It was a mistake, it was wrong. I couldn’t look at her. Didn’t know how I was going to look at you. Then when we walked in, and I saw you in the grips of some guy it was like the universe was already getting back at me. Punching me right in the gut.
“After that situation calmed down, I put aside what had happened. I just wanted to get out of there, with you. Just us.”
“It was the wrapper.” I interrupted his thoughts with one of my own.
“What?”
“The condom wrapper. It fell out of your wallet at the table. That’s what fell to the floor.”
Silence, then, “Yeah, I guess it was.”
“How could you even take me home in the truck after that? Did you even realize the condom was left behind?” My thoughts were coming all at once, and although many were questions, I wasn’t giving him time to answer them. “Is that why you didn’t kiss me? At the truck? But then why did you kiss me all night long?”
“Lizzie,” Knox sounded desperate. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to forget it ever happened. I wanted to drop you off at home and drive myself right off a fucking bridge.” His tone changed then. “And I knew it was the worst mistake I would ever make in my entire existence. And I wanted to never touch you again because I will never again be worthy of doing so, and at the same time I wanted nothing more than to touch you and mold myself to you.”
The tears continued rolling down my cheeks. “Bullshit,” I said softly. “You got to fuck Barbie and then when it was just us, you almost couldn’t even finish.”
“No, Lizzie. That’s not—”
“God, I had to practically jump you to get you to come.”
“No—”
“Were you thinking of her? Is that how you were able to finish?”
A choking sound came from his side of the door, then a strangled, “No! God no!”
We were both crying as the minutes passed, before I broke the silence. “You seemed so happy this morning.”
“I was. The happiest I’ve been in a long time.”
“Why? Because you finally sealed the deal with Jenny? Scratched that itch?” There, I finally said her name.
After a ragged breath, Knox replied, “Because after last night, after you and me, I decided I was never going to tell you. I would make it a point to interact with Jenny as little as possible. I would not allow your heart to be broken. And you and I were going to be OK. We were going to be great. And I knew you were going to bring me back from the dead because only you can. And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
I laughed through my tears. “Yeah, well, I guess that plan didn’t work out.”
I slid myself up along the door until I was standing, and I could hear him follow suit.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I said as I walked further into the apartment and headed toward the bathroom, where I promptly threw up.