Chapter Twenty Four
Demon
If I could have listed the emotions so obviously running across her face, I would have. I’d seen shock, fear, uncertainty, sadness and now panic. Her eyes had grown wide, big, beautiful brown orbs, staring back at me, not knowing what to do next. She looked ready to bolt and suddenly I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. My stomach lurched, apprehension brewing down deep.
“Ciara. I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
She shook her head, her teeth still raking at her bottom lip like she might actually bite it off.
“It’s…it’s…” she sighed, looking defeated now. “I don’t know what it is, Demon. No one has ever loved me before. I don’t know whether to be insanely happy or suspicious that you might want something. Or worried that you want something I’m not able to give back.”
“What about your parents?”
“What about them?”
“They not love you, Ciara?”
She stared at me, her expression dark, and I knew right then there was so much more about her that I didn’t know. Just like there was much more about me that she didn’t know.
The sigh came first, the long-resigned breath.
“No. There were five of us. I’m the oldest. Dad was a druggie. A down and out. Mam wasn’t much better. When he left, she re-married. I didn’t think she could have chosen a worse person than my dad, but I was so fucking wrong. I was an early developer,” she paused, waiting for me to catch up.
And suddenly I realised she wasn’t talking about property development.
“So, when I started to get boobs, I also started to get his attention,” she continued. I knew now where this was going, and that hole of dread that had opened in my stomach a few moments before, when I was merely scared she would reject me, was now gaping.
“It started just with a look. He would watch me, loiter outside of the bathroom when I was having a shower, look too closely down the towel I’d wrapped around myself, or too long on my legs if I was wearing a skirt.
“And then if we were sitting on the sofa, he made sure he’d sit next to me. It was just uncomfortable at first, just the thought of him always being there, watching. But then it became more, a hand on a leg, on my lower back. Again, the touches weren’t sinister, not of itself.”
Ciara stopped, picking at the hem of the hoodie, pulling it down her bare legs self-consciously, as if she was hiding herself from me, not her stepfather.
“And then gradually it became more until one night he climbed into my bed. I’d been asleep, but just the little bob of the mattress woke me. He gave me some spiel about how he could sleep better if he could lie next to me. And although I knew this wasn’t right, I didn’t kick him out. So, he came back a few nights later with the same old excuse, only this time, his hands wandered.
“The next day he bought me a gift. Nothing much, but when you weren’t used to getting things, it was nice. I was elated. Then a few days later, another gift. Make-up, perfume, clothes, small pieces of jewellery. But after each gift he would creep into bed with me, helping himself to me more and more.
“I started to wear more and more clothes to bed. Knickers, full length pyjamas. But it didn’t stop him, and I knew where it was headed. I wasn’t that na?ve myself. I’d stayed up later and later. If I didn’t go to bed, he couldn’t touch me. But I was getting tired at school. Then this one day I fell asleep in class. The teacher woke me, told me to stay behind. I thought I was getting detention, but instead she started asking me questions. I could have said nothing. And some days I think that’s what I should have done, said nothing. Because if I had, I might never have been so alone.”
Ciara’s voice wavered, just a fraction of a second, before she caught it and recovered. But I had a lump in my throat. An angry, thick lump that was burning at the back.
“Social Services became involved, and they took me into care. I was the one that was removed, not him. I never saw my mam again. She refused to cooperate with the social. I saw my brothers and sisters for a little while longer. We had contact. In a bare room in council offices. I don’t blame them for not wanting to come back. It was boring. We spent more time sat staring at each other or the bare walls than anything else. And so, I never saw them again either.”
“Jesus, Ciara. I had no idea.”
“Why would you, Demon? It’s not something I tell people. It’s not something I’ve ever told anyone, apart from the social workers.”
And despite the horror I’d just listened to, and the anger that was simmering underneath the sadness that weighed it down right at this moment, I felt honoured that she’d told me. That she’d opened up to me about something so private. Carefully, I reached forward, gently pulling her into me, wrapping my arms around as if that alone would make her feel safe. For a moment, she stood frozen to the spot. Another time I would have let her go, read it as rejection. Not now, though. Now I knew it was her defence mechanism, on so many levels. And eventually as we stood there, she relaxed into my arms, her arms moving, snaking around my body, pulling herself into me and twisting her head to the side, to rest on my chest, against my heart.
And this, this felt real. And all kinds of right. Kinobi whined from the side of me. A gentle little whimper. I let one arm move from around the girl I was falling madly for and scratched the top of the dog’s head.
“So why do you want to be a social worker, then? If that was me, that would be the last thing I wanted to be after they let me down.”
“They didn’t really though,” Ciara said, still huddled against my chest. “They got me out. They took my brothers and sisters too, eventually, before he could get to them. We might not be together, but she stopped the abuse, for me at least. Now if I can help one child, or keep a family together, or get a mother to see what was in front of their very nose, then I’d be proud of the job that I’d be doing.”
I kissed the top of her head, squeezing my arms tight around her again, as if I could protect her from her memories. Kinobi whined at my feet again, then, moving away from me, she scratched at the door.
“OK darl’. Get back to bed. I’m letting the dog out, then I’ll be right back.”
“I need to be up for work soon,” she said, stifling a yawn.
“Not today, you’re not. You’re sick. We’re spending the day in bed.”
“What about your shop?” she half complained, but I could hear there was no fight left in her voice.
“I don’t open Mondays. Weekends are normally heavy. Ya’ know, with drink and bikes. So, Mondays are stay-in-bed days.”
“I dunno, Demon. If I don’t turn in, then I don’t get paid.”
“Then I’ll pay you.”
“I’m not a hooker.”
“I know you’re not. And I don’t want your pussy, Ciara, not right now. Just your body in my bed. In my arms.”
Ciara looked up at me, a half-smile on her face, beautiful deep brown eyes capturing mine. Not that I had put up much of a struggle.
*****
“The product is moving nicely,” Magnet said, slapping a thick white envelope down on the weathered table in front of us. “This is the first of the return on investment for the club.”
Somehow, despite the raid by the street gang we were all still trying to get our hands on, Magnet had turned his bad luck around. For once, I’d thought he’d fail; I wanted him to fail. No man should have this much luck in his life. No matter what happened, Magnet always came out on fucking top, and it pissed me off.
“Good work,” Indie answered from the head of the table, at my father’s usual seat.
Our father was recuperating, sort of. He’d been discharged after the chest infection and resulting pneumonia had cleared up, but his breathing was still laboured. Supposedly he was being looked after by his old lady, but I wouldn’t put it past her to be rubbing her hands in glee at any potential demise. And I didn’t trust his Will to leave us anything in that event. I pushed the thought from my mind back into the pot of darkness at the back of my brain, along with the things Ciara had told me and my own black thoughts.
“Demon! Demon! You with us?” Indie barked, dragging my attention from way back in my brain.
“Yeah.”
“What’s the craic with the rally?”
“It’s all in hand.” It was a half lie.
I had a shitload of jobs left to do that I hadn’t done because I was constantly distracted by Ciara. She was still staying at my place, and I’d convinced her to take a few days off work, or at least the coffee shop. Despite the shithole that Trouble on the Tyne was, she seemed to enjoy it. It was the friends she’d made, she told me, and some of the punters she was fond of, Billy Carmichael being one. And so, I’d spent every night there with her.
Granted, I’d organised some entertainment that I’m sure would go down well. That was, we were bringing Trouble to the Noise in the North Rally. But I still had to organise almost all the security firms, and make sure there were enough bars and alcohol to satisfy near 10,000 thirsty bikers. Noise in the North was the biggest rally north of the midlands, and it was a goldmine of cash for us, legitimate and otherwise.
“Aye. Entertainment all sorted. Just the heavies and the alcohol to go.”
“Better get that fucking drink sorted, Demon,” Fury piped up. “There’ll be a fucking riot if we run out.”
“Told you I’m on it. Tez has found some that fell off the back of a wagon. So that will be almost pure profit.”
And so, Church went on. The last of the arrangements for the rally thrashed out. The last orders given.
“How’s Ste doing?” Reap asked at the end. “Will he be at the ride?”
Indie looked around the room, at the concerned faces of the men in the leather cuts.
“He’s not good, lads. I’ll be standing in for him for a while. And right now, he needs to rest.”
“Doubt he’ll be getting much of that with that fucking sex crazed ol’ lady of his bouncing on his cock,” Fury grinned.
I shuddered. The last image I needed was that. The room of men of various ages broke out into hearty laughs. But I didn’t feel it, and when I looked across at my brother, sitting at the head of the table, his eyes betrayed the forced expression of amusement on his face.