Chapter 15 #3
The silence stretched for several heartbeats before Palmer nodded, turning to continue down the tunnel. But I felt it—felt him—lingering beside me for just a moment longer.
Just as I was about to follow the group into the main chamber, an arctic blast slammed into me from the side, and I was thrown sideways through the office doorway, my back hitting the far wall hard enough to knock the wind from my lungs. The door slammed shut behind us.
"Fuck," I wheezed, struggling to my feet. And there he was. Jasper. Fully materialized and looking exactly as he had that night, right down to the way his auburn hair fell across his forehead. My demon howled in agony.
"We need to talk," he said firmly, blocking the exit.
I laughed bitterly, the sound scraping my throat raw. "Now? You want to talk now? After decades of silence, after watching us suffer, after letting us think—" My voice broke and I had to look away from those familiar eyes. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn't stop.
"I couldn't before. I didn't fucking remember, Rhodes!"
"Oh, how sad for you! I wish I didn't fucking remember!" I snarled, power crackling around my clenched fists. "I watched you die! I held your body after… after everyone else left." The words choked off as memories flooded back. Blood. So much blood. His skin growing cold under my hands...
Jasper stepped closer, and I pressed myself against the wall, desperate to maintain distance. "Rhodes, please. You have to stop blaming yourself. What happened that night—"
"Was my fault!" The words exploded from me, along with a blast of telekinetic energy that sent papers flying. "I should have known what Asrael was planning. Should have protected you better. Should have—"
"Should have what? Been able to predict the future?" Jasper's voice was gentle but firm. "We've already had this conversation! You didn't kill me, Rhodes. Asrael did. And he did it because he knew about us, knew what we meant to each other."
My chest constricted painfully. "Don't."
"Why not? Because it still hurts? Good. That means it was real." He moved closer still, close enough that I could feel the chill emanating from his body. "What we had was real, Rhodes. And keeping it secret all these years has been eating you alive."
The door burst open behind Jasper, and Talon stood in the doorway, his eyes wild. "What the fuck is going on in here? We've got spirits to free and you're—"
He froze, gaze darting between Jasper's form and my face, which I knew was twisted with decades of suppressed anguish.
"Rhodes? Talon?" Felix appeared behind Talon, pushing past him into the room. "We heard shouting. Are you—" His words died as he sensed the tension crackling in the air.
"Tell them," Jasper urged, his spectral form flickering intensely. "You can finally speak the truth."
My demon thrashed beneath my skin, desperate to break free from the chains that had bound it for so long.
I could feel it—the magical restraint that had been wound around my mind like barbed wire was gone, but if I was honest with myself, it had been gone for years.
It was my own desire to punish myself that kept me silent.
"What truth?" Ashland demanded, entering the increasingly crowded office, Misha right behind him. "What the hell is going on?"
Palmer slipped in behind them, her eyes immediately finding Jasper's form. Something passed between them—a silent communication that sent a spike of jealousy through my chest before I could suppress it.
"It's time, Rhodes," Jasper said softly. "It wasn't your fault."
"Don't tell me what was or wasn’t my fault!" I roared, the outburst making everyone except Jasper take a step back.
His form flickered between me and the others. "Rhodes couldn't tell you. Not wouldn't—couldn't. Asrael placed a compulsion on him the night before he killed me."
I looked at Jasper in shock. He knew about the compulsion? As though he could read my thoughts, he nodded. "Asrael made sure I knew all about it before he killed me."
"Rhodes," Talon stepped forward, his expression uncharacteristically serious. "What really happened to my brother?"
The compulsion that had strangled my words for decades was long gone, but the habit of silence remained. I opened my mouth, closed it, feeling like I was drowning on dry land.
"Tell them," Jasper urged gently. "Or I will. They deserve to know."
I looked at each of their faces—Ashland's controlled concern, Talon's barely restrained fury, Felix's quiet devastation, and Misha's silent understanding. The walls I'd built to protect this secret were crumbling, and I was too exhausted to shore them up anymore.
"Jasper and I were lovers," I finally said, the words falling from my lips like stones. "For months before he died. We kept it secret because Asrael considered him his personal property."
The silence that followed was deafening. Felix's eyes widened in shock, while Talon's narrowed dangerously.
"The night before the execution, Asrael caught us together," I continued, my voice growing steadier as the long-suppressed truth finally found air. "He had us both thrown in the dungeons. Jasper tried to reach you—Talon and Felix—but he'd blocked your connections."
“I fucking hate him even more now,” Felix growled.
Talon's power flared, his demon rising to the surface. "You're telling me my brother died because Asrael was fucking jealous? And we never knew?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," I confirmed, feeling decades of repressed rage bubbling to the surface. "He made you all watch the execution to break your spirits. Made me watch to break mine. And then he made sure I could never tell you why it really happened."
Ashland's face had gone completely blank—a dangerous sign for those who knew him well. "All these years," he said quietly. "All these years, you carried this alone."
"I had no choice," I replied, though the words tasted bitter on my tongue. "And after a while... after we were exiled, after everything else that happened, it seemed better to keep it buried. What good would it have done to know? It wouldn't have brought him back."
"But it might have helped you heal," Felix said softly, taking a tentative step toward me. "Gods, Rhodes. No wonder you've been..."
"A cold, heartless bastard?" I supplied with a humorless smile. "Hard to be anything else when half of you died along with someone you loved, and you couldn't even properly grieve them."
Jasper's form moved to stand beside me, his ghostly hand hovering near mine. "After... after I died. I couldn't remember who I had been, just fragments. It wasn't until Palmer came that things started coming back."
Talon looked like he'd been struck. "You were my fucking brother. I should have known something was wrong. Should have sensed it."
"Asrael was too powerful," I reminded him. "He blocked everything—your connection, our bonds, my ability to ever speak of it. We were all his puppets."
"But not anymore," Palmer interjected firmly. "Asrael is dead. His power is broken. And Jasper is here—maybe not fully corporeal, but here nonetheless. The compulsion is gone, Rhodes. You're free to remember. Free to heal."
I looked at her—this witch who had stormed into our lives and systematically dismantled every wall we'd built around ourselves. My demon snarled, but not in anger. In recognition. In respect.
"Is that why you changed?" Felix asked quietly. "After that night, you became someone else entirely. Jasper's death rocked all of us, but you… Well, we all thought it was the exile, but it was..."
"It was watching someone I loved die because I loved him," I finished for him. "And being magically prevented from even honoring that love by acknowledging it existed."
Ashland moved suddenly, closing the distance between us. For a moment, I thought he might hit me—gods knew I deserved it for keeping such a secret, compulsion or not. Instead, he placed a hand on my shoulder, his grip firm enough to anchor me to the present.
"It ends today," he said, his voice leaving no room for argument. "The secret. The isolation. The guilt. All of it."
Talon stepped forward next, his eyes glassy with unshed tears as he looked between me and Jasper's form. "My brother was in love with you, and I never knew."
"We couldn't risk anyone knowing," Jasper explained gently. "If he'd found out that you all were aware? I can only imagine what he would've done."
"He would have killed us all," Misha finished.
Understanding dawned on Tal's face. "Fuck."
Felix approached cautiously, his empathic nature making him the most visibly affected by the waves of emotion filling the small room. "All these years, you've blamed yourself. Carried this alone."
I shrugged, uncomfortable with their scrutiny, with the compassion I didn't deserve. "It was my fault. If I hadn't—"
"No," Jasper interrupted firmly. "I knew the risks. We both did. And I would choose the same path again, knowing the outcome. My only regret is that you suffered alone."
Misha stepped closer, his eyes full of an understanding that cut through my defenses. "It's why you've been so resistant to her, isn't it?" He tossed a look at Palmer. "Why you fight the connection so hard?"
My silence was answer enough.
"Everyone I care about gets hurt," I finally admitted, the words barely audible. "Everyone I... love... becomes a target."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Talon groaned, though there was no real heat in it. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We're all targets already."
A choked laugh escaped me, surprising even myself. "When you put it that way..."
"Rhodes," Felix said gently, "you've spent decades punishing yourself for something that was never your fault. Isn't it time to stop?"
I looked at Jasper's form, at the face I'd loved and lost and mourned in silence for so long. "I don't know if I can. I don't know how."
"You can," Palmer said with quiet certainty. "And you will. We're here and we're not going to let you carry this alone anymore."
A commotion from the main chamber pulled us back to the present—to the reason we'd come here in the first place. Hundreds of souls still needed our help. Still needed freedom.
"We have to finish this," I said, straightening my shoulders and trying to rebuild some semblance of my usual composure. "The spirits—"
"Will wait five more minutes," Ashland declared, his tone brooking no argument.
He turned to me, his ice-blue eyes piercing through every defense I had left.
"This doesn't end here, Rhodes. When we get back, when everything settles down, we're going to talk about this—all of it.
No more secrets. No more carrying burdens alone. That's an order."
I nodded, too emotionally drained to argue. As we moved to leave the office, Talon grabbed my arm, holding me back as the others filed out.
"If I had known," he said, voice rough with emotion, "I would have torn Asrael apart with my bare hands."
"I know," I replied simply. "That's why he made sure you never found out."
Talon nodded once, sharp and decisive. "Well, now I do know. And I'm not letting you push us away anymore. Got it?"
Before I could respond, he pulled me into a fierce, brief embrace that left me momentarily stunned, then stalked out to join the others.
Jasper remained, his form hovering at the threshold. "I told you they would understand," he said softly.
"Understanding doesn't erase what happened," I pointed out, my voice steadier than I felt.
"No," he agreed. "But it's a start. And Rhodes? I meant what I said that night. Even in death, I never left you. I was always watching over you, even when I couldn't remember why."
Something inside me—something that had been frozen for decades—began to thaw, painful in its awakening.
"We should join the others," I said, unable to address his words directly. But as we moved toward the main chamber where our group was already working to free the trapped spirits, I allowed myself to walk beside his spectral form instead of putting distance between us.
It wasn't healing—not yet. But perhaps it was the beginning of the possibility of it. And after decades of darkness, even that small glimmer felt blinding in its intensity. And for the first time in decades, I let myself remember the way his touch used to feel. Just for a second.
Just long enough for my heart to hope all over again.