Soulmates
August 14 th , 2022
Nate hadn’t slept the entire night.
He’d tried. He really had.
He knew that he needed to be fit, strong and rested for Lynn. It’d been 18 hours since she’d come out of surgery. Toby told him that he didn’t know how long Lynn needed to be in a coma but there was this slight hope that she could wake up today. This hope was like a flame inside of Nate’s dark heart, growing with every minute that passed and giving him a reason to get ready as soon as possible and storm towards the med-bay.
When the automatic door opened in front of him he almost crashed into Marta, who was about to leave the room.
“Wooooah. Butch. Hi. You look terrible by the way,” she commented after stepping back a little and pointing on the large black bags underneath Nate’s eyes.
“Good morning. Yeah, you too,” the brunet man answered.
Marta chuckled a little in response before her face fell into a serious frown again .
“I just visited her,” she almost whispered, not able to look into Nate’s eyes, but watching the floor underneath their feet instead.
“How is she?”
“Toby said her vitals are still good. No sign that her situation worsened over the night. Which is good.”
“But?” Nate asked with a raised eyebrow. He’d known Marta for years and by the way her voice sounded he knew that a “but” was about to come.
“But he won’t wake her today. He thinks she’s still too unstable. Maybe tomorrow,” Marta sighed.
“Maybe tomorrow,” Nate repeated with sadness very present in his voice.
“Listen, Butch…” Marta started, but he interrupted her immediately as he raised his hand in front of his chest.
“Save it,” he said and was about to walk past Marta and into the med-bay but the Deputy Director placed her palm on Nate’s chest and pressed him back into the hallway.
Nate huffed and saw the angry expression on Marta’s face.
“No. You listen to me now. Lynn is my friend, too. You’re not the only one here who’s suffering and going nuts because she’s lying in a coma. I was the one to comfort her over the last few days, when you were too much of an idiot and ran away from her again instead of fucking talking to her. I was there. I held her in my arms when she cried for hours because you called off the dinner she was so excited for. Because something in your stupid brain can’t accept that being happy with her is a fucking good idea. That you should finally fucking forget that she worked with az- Zawahiri to save her sister. She did it because she didn’t see another way to save Ann. Don’t you think she feels guilty enough, that we weren’t able to be there in time to save Ann? Don’t you think she’s destroyed enough?”
Marta needed to take a deep breath and Nate used the small break in between her rant, to respond.
“I know that. I’ve been in therapy sessions with her.”
“Then why the fuck are you still behaving like a twelve-year-old?!”
“I am not behaving like a child,” Nate said, his voice louder than before and trembling with anger.
His eyebrows knit together while the flame of hope inside his heart was replaced by a raging typhoon of anger.
“Oh yes, you do. If she hadn't been stabbed yesterday, you’d still be acting like a teenager in puberty. One day smiling and kissing her and the next avoiding and ignoring her. That’s not how adults solve problems, Butch. That’s not how relationships work.”
“Listen, I’m trying. I really am!” He screamed at Marta.
“Yeah? I can’t see it. Why is it always Lynn who has to suffer so that your stupid brain can finally move on? It needed her to get hurt during your nightmare so that you finally really tried to improve your PTSD, it needed her to suffer after the funeral so that you were finally able to give her a chance and take her on a date. Lynn came and held happiness right in front of your nose and you were too stupid to just accept it.”
“You don’t understand,” Nate responded.
“What do I not understand?”
“It’s all because of my trauma and I… ”
“Nate Sheppard. You won’t use your fucking trauma as an excuse to behave like an asshole. I’ve been through horrible things in my life and it took me years of hard mental work and patience to get out of my darkness and heal my heart. You can’t even imagine how guilt can crush you into pieces. How it feels when it’s your fucking fault that your husband and unborn child died and you weren’t able to protect them. Even though the only thing I was supposed to do was keep the fetus in my body alive. That was my only job but I failed and it destroyed me. But do you see me use this as an excuse to behave like a bitch? No. Because one day I decided that I needed to find closure and that I needed to focus on the future. That even with everything that happened to me, I deserved to be happy. Do you even want to be happy or do you simply need drama in your life?”
“Don’t you dare say another word,” Nate hissed at her with contempt in his voice.
His right index finger pressed in Marta’s chest, his face only inches away from hers. He was about to snap and Marta couldn’t wait for it to happen.
She was angry at him, and had been for weeks. Not enough sleep and a friend in a coma was enough for her to be right on the edge of her own aggression all the time. This confrontation wasn’t supposed to happen but now, as it did, they were both willing to fight with bare hands.
“ENOUGH.” Oliver’s voice could be heard behind Marta’s back.
“Enough. Both of you. Are you fucking serious? Lynn’s fighting for her life and you two are trying to rip each other’s heads off? ”
Nate stepped away from Marta, who turned around to look at her boyfriend.
“Why are you already out? I thought Toby said that you had thirty minutes?” She asked, confused.
Oliver averted his gaze from her but his face showed all that Marta and Nate needed to know.
“What happened?” Nate asked and the bile rose up in his throat.
“Toby said her blood count doesn’t look good. I don’t know what exactly he meant, but…”
Oliver didn’t have a chance to finish his words when Nate stormed past him and towards Lynn’s room. Toby was standing in front of it while looking at the file in his hands that showed Lynn’s blood count. A phone was laying on the table in front of him. It must be on speaker, as Toby was talking towards it while checking the numbers on the paper over and over again.
“She’s in a coma that’s why we haven’t seen the discoloration of her eyes before. Her skin still looks normal. Well as normal as a coma patient looks like. She’s pretty pale, so I thought I'd have seen it right away, but nothing.”
Nate stood in front of Toby, his heart beating so loud that for a moment he wasn’t able to hear anything else. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to focus on the doctor in front of him, listening to what he was talking about to the person on the other end of the line.
“What about blood pressure and respiration?” Toby’s colleague from the MedStar Washington hospital center asked through the phone .
“She has very low blood pressure, that’s why I checked her blood again. As we already have her intubated there’s no change in the respiration. Oxygen saturation is also still good.”
It was the first time Toby raised his gaze from the paper in front of him and jumped in shock when he saw Nate standing only a few feet away. The Agent’s lips were parted, his brows furrowed in concern.
“Okay. I'd suggest giving her liquid glucose to stabilize the blood pressure. Other than that you can only wait. Prevent opening her up again as long as it’s not hundred percent necessary. It’s just additional stress for her body.”
Toby nodded a few times in response before he said,
“Thank you, Gary. You’ve helped me a lot.”
“Call me again if the situation changes. I’ll be on-call if you need me for surgery.”
“Thank you again. I really appreciate it.”
With that the call ended and Toby let out a loud sigh before he shifted his attention fully on Nate.
“Toby…” he started with a trembling voice.
“Butch, I know that sounded frightening and I’m not gonna lie to you. The situation has worsened. Her liver isn’t working the way it should be. But there’s still no need to worry or panic.”
He reached out his hand to place it on Nate’s upper arm, his lips curled upwards into a small smile.
Nate couldn’t answer, all his anger gone, that had built inside of his body a few minutes ago. Again it was like he was drowning without even being in the water. His breaths became more and more shallow when his mind dove into the different “what if” scenarios that came the moment he overheard the two doctors talking about Lynn’s vitals.
“How’s your hand doing?” Toby suddenly asked.
He’d noticed that Nate was about to get a panic attack and he knew he had to distract him.
“Good. I think.”
“Can I check the cast real quick?”
“Yeah, sure. But why?” Nate asked, confused.
“Well your hand was pretty swollen yesterday. Sometimes the cast can be too loose when the swelling reduces overnight.” Toby answered and grabbed Nate’s left arm to observe the black cast.
He took some time to turn the arm around and wiggle Nate’s fingers. He didn’t need that time to access the cast, he had seen within a few seconds that it still looked good but he tried to distract Nate for a few more minutes before both of them had to steer the conversation back to Lynn and her liver failure.
“It all looks pretty good. Just let me know if the pain increases or something feels odd.”
“I will. Thanks, Doc.”
A silence lingered between them after the short conversation.
“What’s going to happen now?”
“Like my colleague said, we need to give her some more time. I’ill administer some liquid glucose and check her blood every hour. I want to make sure we catch any changes as soon as possible.”
“Okay. Can I do anything to help you?” Nate asked .
“Yes. Stay with her. Maybe that will help reduce her stress levels.”
That was all Nate needed to hear before he opened the door to Lynn’s room, put some disinfectant on his hands, and marched towards the love of his life who was still lying unconscious in the hospital bed.
“Hey darling. Told you I'd come and visit you today.”
He smiled at her before placing a kiss on her forehead. Afterwards he collapsed on the chair. Toby followed him inside and stood next to the syringe drivers. He filled one of the empty spots with a syringe he had prepared outside. It was the liquid glucose he was talking about. He attached the syringe to Lynn’s central venous catheter so that it could flow into her system quickly and help raise her blood pressure again.
After pushing some buttons on the other syringe drivers to adjust the dose of the medication, Toby patted on Nate’s upper back and left the room.
“Just me and you now, darling,” he whispered and grabbed Lynn’s hand again.
It was still cold.
All he wanted to do was pull her small body into his arms and hold her really tight but with all the machines attached to her body he knew he wouldn’t be able to do that without messing things up so he decided to scoot the chair even closer to the bed so that he was able to lean his head on Lynn’s upper arm. It was the closest he could get to cuddling with her right now.
“I love you, darling. I’m so sorry that I’ve been such an asshole the past few days. You didn’t deserve it. You deserve someone who treats you like a princess. That appreciates you the way you are and that is willing to let go of everything that is holding him back. I know I’m not that person at the moment, but I promise I’ll try. I’ll treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I won’t be angry again about the whole betrayal thing. I’ll finally let the past be the past, and I’ll take more therapy sessions to make sure I’ll never fall back into that devastating chaos. I’m so sorry that you cried because of me, that I broke your heart by canceling our dinner, ignoring you and avoiding you. I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot sometimes, but I’m your idiot if you let me be.”
He turned his head to press a kiss on her shoulder that was covered by a light blue hospital gown.
“I will always love you,” he added, snuggling his head closer to her arm and closing his eyes, remembering all the nice moments they’d had together.
The first time he had held her in his arms. After he successfully managed to realize that he had a nightmare. It was one of the turning points in his recovery and one of the first moments the sparks between him and Lynn were apparent for both of them, although back then they didn’t realize it right away.
He remembered their first kiss after he opened up to her and told her about his torture. How soft her lips felt on his when she leaned in and connected them. Oh, he’d give anything for her to kiss him right now.
Somewhere in the middle of his nostalgic memories, Nate drifted off into sleep, his temple still connected with Lynn’s upper arm. Being with her brought him enough comfort to allow his body to rest. Even if it were just for a short period of time.
When he opened his eyes again, he was confused to begin with. Hearing only the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor, he needed a moment to realize that this wasn’t a flashback to his time in the hospital. That it wasn’t him lying in the hospital bed.
He was sitting on the chair next to it. Next to Lynn.
He groaned in pain when he sat up again. His back already hated him for the uncomfortable sleeping position and he stretched his arms over his head with a loud sigh. While he rotated his upper body to crack his back he looked at Lynn.
Suddenly all the oxygen was pushed out of his body and his heart stopped beating. A concerned frown appeared on his face while he jumped on his feet.
Lynn’s skin had turned slightly yellow.
It looked like these old articles you found in museums. When paper had started yellowing because the lignin reacted to the oxygen in the air.
He quickly grabbed the panic button and pushed it multiple times while his thumb brushed over Lynn’s skin. It was cold but sweaty at the same time. That didn’t make sense to him. She was fine before he fell asleep. What had happened?
He couldn’t even check how long he was asleep, because at that moment Toby burst through the door.
“What’s wrong?” he asked .
“Her skin,” Nate only managed to say and Toby lips parted the moment he stepped closer and saw the coloration of Lynn’s skin.
The doctor grabbed his phone, clicked the first number on the redial list and pressed the speaker button. Then he threw the phone on the bed next to Lynn’s hand and walked around the room to grab a tourniquet, a needle and some blood tubes.
“Toby, what happened?” A voice came out of the phone.
“Skin yellowing. Within the hour. She was fine the last time I checked on her. Currently drawing some blood to get it checked.”
“Acute liver failure. Does she have any family members living nearby?”
“Her sister died last year, her father has COPD, and I don’t know how good her mother still is. I bet she wouldn’t be fit enough for a donation.”
“Any cousins or anything?”
“I don’t know. She doesn’t have time for the regular transplant list, Gary.”
“I know. How severe were the stab wounds again?”
“They only affected the outer parts of the right lobe so I thought it would be fine. There were enough healthy parts left.”
“Her only chance is a partial liver donation from someone around you. Someone nearby. Maybe call her mum and ask if other family members live nearby. And check the mum, too. Maybe she could be a donor.”
Nate was forced to watch Toby draw blood and talk to his colleagues as if he wasn’t even in the room. He didn’t understand all of the words but “partial liver donation” was something he did understand and that made a shiver run up his spine and his hackles rise.
“Call me as soon as you have a donor and I’ll help you perform the surgeries.”
“Thank you, Gary. I really appreciate your help.”
“Any time, man. Lynn’s one of the good ones. She deserves to live.”
Sadness clouded Nate’s mind.
Lynn was one of the good ones. Gary was right.
“Test me,” Nate suggested.
Toby had handed the blood tubes to Tia who took them to the lab.
“What do you mean?” Toby raised an eyebrow on Nate.
“You know exactly what I mean. Test me to see if I’m able to donate my liver to her.”
“Butch… First of all it’s a partial liver donation. Means you don’t donate your full liver. You need your liver. Without it your body poisons itself and you would die. Also, it’s very unlikely that you’re fit to be a donor. The likelihood is much higher when we test family members, and don’t even think about saying that we're a family here. This is about biology.”
“But you said it yourself. She doesn’t have many family members. She never mentioned any cousins to me. If this donation is her only chance, please test me. I’m begging you. Please just give it a try.” Nate stood right in front of him now, having his right hand placed on Toby’s forearm.
“Okay. But don’t get your hopes up” Toby sighed before shaking his head in disbelief .
He pointed to the chair and grabbed the stuff to take blood from Nate.
At that moment Nate realized that Toby would need to inject a needle in his arm to get blood from him. He knew that this was mandatory for Toby to check if he was a potential donor. Panic rose in his chest and his hands started to tremble. Thankfully Toby hadn’t seen it and didn’t blow off the whole idea of Nate donating. While Nate cleared his throat, he tried to calm down the demons in his mind.
Lynn needed him.
He was stronger than his demons.
He was in charge of his mind.
He could do this.
While Toby placed the tourniquet around his bicep, Nate focused on breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. He had turned his head a little to look at Lynn’s still-yellowish face. He had to push through this. Everything was going to be okay. He aligned his own breathing with the movement of Lynn’s chest.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
“Alright, next up I need to make an MRI of your abdomen to check that, if you are a potential donor, your liver is suitable for donation. I have to check the veins and arteries of your liver as well as the exact anatomy of your gallbladder and bile duct.”
Nate turned his head to look at Toby with confusion in his eyes. What was the doctor talking about ?
At that moment Nate realized that Toby was already done and pressed a small gauze pad on the inside of his elbow to stop the bleeding.
“Yeah, sure,” he simply mumbled, still confused that he totally missed the needle entering his body.
Thirty minutes later the MRI was done and Nate had survived it pretty well. Lying in a tight, loud, beeping machine wasn’t his favorite Sunday afternoon activity, but it was better than he had expected. No panic attacks.
“I’ll let you know later if you are a potential donor. Now I have to call Lynn’s mum,” Toby said to him with a smile on his face.
Nate entered Lynn’s room again to sit down next to her. Marta had placed a book on her bedside table and Nate grabbed it to start reading to her.
It was a romance book about soulmates. He’d never believed in them as these books always appeared way too unrealistic to him.
He’d never believed in love at first sight and actually Lynn and him hadn’t been. Their relationship just slowly shifted from professional to friends to lovers. However that happened. Nate still wondered why this wonderful woman with the brown hair and the chestnut eyes chose to give her heart to him. The broken man with all the demons.
He continued reading to her. Something about everything happening for a reason and believing in miracles will help. About people that are connected to each other without even knowing it and finding their one true love. The soulmates in this book even felt each other’s emotions and pain. He raised his gaze from the book and looked at Lynn .
He wished he could share her pain. Only to take some of it away from her, so that she was feeling better, but things like soulmates didn’t exist and life wasn’t a romance book.
Miracles didn’t happen all the time.
The door burst open and a panting Toby stood in the doorway.
“I couldn’t believe it, so I tested it three times,” he started before placing his hands on his waist and leaning forward a little.
It seemed like he had sprinted from the lab into the room. Nate didn’t respond. Scared to be disappointed by the answer, scared that his hope would be shattered.
“You are a potential donor,” Toby exclaimed, his face lighting up with excitement and a wide smile appearing on his face.
“What?” Nate asked surprised, his jaw on the floor while he rose to his feet.
“Yes. Yes, you are. Gary is on his way so we can start right away. Don’t eat anything until I’m back!” he instructed before storming out of the room to inform Tia and Birdie and prepare both operating rooms for the upcoming surgeries.
Nate turned around and grinned towards Lynn.
“Have you heard that, darling? Everything’s going to be okay!”
Maybe sometimes life was indeed like a romance book.