Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
They were sitting in Derek’s living room instead of going to Club Indigo. Sonja was wearing the smallest butt plug for the third evening in a row. She still wasn’t sure what she thought about it, but it was easier to insert now, and she was getting used to its weight as she moved around her apartment in the evening. Having it in her ass did remind her of Derek, and it wasn’t uncomfortable, exactly, but she didn’t believe she would want to wear it all the time. She had started to vacuum with it in the first night, and the vibration had made her exceptionally horny. She had decided after that to get her chores done before it was time to insert it.
“Tell me about your first week wearing the butt plug,” Derek said.
“It was okay. I thought about you a lot while I had it in,” Sonja replied. “I wasn’t so sure about it on Thursday when I realized I had forgotten to buy chicken for the curry I was cooking and had to wear it to the store. The drive was, uh, different. At the store, it felt like I was walking funny, and I was sure the cashier knew I had something up my ass.”
Derek chuckled. “I rather doubt that.”
Sonja laughed. “You’re probably right, but it really felt obvious to me. And sexy in a weird way.”
“Good to know. I want you to think of me, but let’s move on to the business of the evening. Are you ready to discuss ageplay some more?”
Sonja was apprehensive about the topic, but it was long overdue. Derek had previously explained to her that ageplay, like other aspects of BDSM, was about consenting adults and had nothing to do with children. In fact, most play with Littles was non-sexual. Pedophiles were no more welcome in ageplay circles than anywhere else in society. Her second misgiving about ageplay was the fear that he wanted an adult baby, but Derek had promised her he wasn’t into that, and if she regressed that far, he would find her another Daddy Dom to take care of her needs. Sonja shuddered at the idea of running around in diapers, so she wasn’t afraid of that.
Derek picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles. “From what you told me, your father left you and your mom when you were four, right?”
“That’s right. I don’t remember much about him. Gran told me about him later. Apparently, he wasn’t bad or neglectful during the time he was with my mom and me. I think my dad was just easygoing and didn’t want the responsibility and trouble of a sick partner and a young child. He couldn’t cope with Mom’s illness and walked out on us,” Sonja answered. “My mom and I went to live with her mother so that she could help Mom through chemo and with me. When Mom died two years later, it was only Gran and me.”
“You stayed with your grandmother for the rest of your childhood?”
“Um, well, yes—that is—until she passed away, too.” Sonja said a silent prayer he wouldn’t pry.
“But you were an adult then?”
So much for praying .
Sonja whispered, “Almost.”
Derek shot upright and pinned her with a stare. “What do you mean, almost?”
“I buried my grandmother four months and six days before my eighteenth birthday,” Sonja answered.
“Did you go into foster care or a group home?”
“No, the social worker offered, but since I was a high school graduate, I could get a job, and I didn’t want to. UMKC had already accepted me for the fall. I thought I could stay in my gran’s house and everything would work out.” Sonja’s voice was still low.
“What happened?” he asked.
Sonja wanted to look away but felt trapped by Derek’s gaze. He wasn’t going to like this part. “Gran had gone on Medicaid, so I thought the medical bills had been paid. What I didn’t know was that she’d taken out a second mortgage on the house to cover medical expenses back when my mother was ill, and she’d only been paying interest on the loan. I had to sell the house pretty much right away to cover the loan and the funeral expenses. That left me with enough money for one semester’s tuition at the university, a fast-food job that wasn’t enough to pay for rent, and Gran’s old Buick. I could have spent my tuition money on rent, but I had my heart set on a college education, so I lived out of the car for almost a year. I got a second job cleaning at night and saved every penny I could.”
Derek cursed before his eyes softened on her. “I’m so sorry you had to experience that. What got you out of the car?”
Sonja closed her eyes and continued. “It’s in the past. I met Carol, and she gave me a job washing dishes. I kept the cleaning job for a while, too. When she saw how hard I worked, she rented me a room for next to nothing at her house. I got promoted to the kitchen staff because of my cooking skills, and then I graduated to the wait staff. I never made it to UMKC, but she helped me get an associate’s degree in business from Metropolitan Community College. Later, she gave me a chance to buy into the business and become her partner. Living like I did was bad, but I never did drugs, never had to sell my body. Did I experience hunger and cold? Yes, I did, but homeless people are much worse off than I was. I’m forever grateful to Carol for her kindness.”
“I’m thankful for what she did, too.” Derek’s soft reply sounded genuine. “Okay, so, basically, you didn’t have a father figure as a child and preteen. How about in your teens? A teacher? Any male role models in your life?” Derek continued.
Sonja sighed. “I know you need to know this, but I’m not proud of this episode.” Her mind wandered back to the worst day of her life. The devastation of the moment she stepped into the old kitchen as she saw her gran sitting at the table.
“My grandmother was first diagnosed with cancer when I was twelve. Initially, she had a lumpectomy and radiation. The doctors said she was cancer-free, but that only lasted about a year and a half. The second time, they did a full mastectomy, removed lymph nodes, and she had heavy-duty chemotherapy. She lost all her hair and was in the hospital a couple of times because the chemo made her so sick. When it was over, they did a full-body scan and, again, said she was ‘cancer free’. If I ever hear those words again, I think I’ll puke.”
She scrunched up her face in disgust. “Gran had almost two full years after that without major problems, but the chemo had taken a toll. She taught me to cook so I could take care of meals and such.”
Tears stung her eyes, and she gritted her teeth against them. Her throat ached, and she sighed again before rattling off her secret. “I fell in love with our neighbor when I was fifteen. He was older, sophisticated, and smart. He was different from the boys at school and showed real interest in me. Colton listened to me, gave me advice, and he was there for me.”
Derek nodded but didn’t interrupt, for which she was glad. It was hard enough to tell the story as it was.
Sonja swallowed, surprised the constricted muscles in her throat obeyed. “A week before my seventeenth birthday, I seduced him into sleeping with me.”
Derek’s eyes darkened, and now, he did interrupt her, “How old was he?”
The question hit like a slap, sharp and unavoidable.
She knew the answer. She had always known.
But saying it out loud meant acknowledging the full weight of it—of what it really was.
“Derek.” She shook her head, gaze dropping to her hands.
Her adult self had long since dissected the truth. Colton had been a predator. A man in his thirties with no business touching a girl who hadn’t even turned seventeen. No amount of nostalgia or misplaced devotion could change that. But her Little self—God, her Little self still clung to the fairytale, to the idea that it had been love. That he had been the one person who truly saw her, wanted her, made her feel special.
Derek placed a gentle finger under her chin and lifted her face. “Tell me, babygirl.”
She squeezed her hands into fists, nails biting into her palms. “Damn it, what does it matter?” The words came out sharp, defensive—more to protect the past than herself.
But she already knew the answer.
“Language,” Derek admonished. “It matters, babygirl. It’s one thing if he was nineteen or twenty. It’s another if he was thirty. You don’t have to tell me now, but you will tell me sometime soon.” He radiated confidence, and she almost told him then and there.
“Anyhow, when I came home, my grandmother was still awake. I wasn’t expecting her to be up, and I definitely wasn’t expecting her to tell me she would die soon. The cancer had come back, and it was practically everywhere.”
As she finished her explanation, Derek pulled her in his arms. “Oh, baby, no wonder you never slept with anyone else. To have such an event connected to your first time must have screwed with your head.”
Sonja smiled through clenched. “That, and the fact that I had to worry about getting something to eat and somewhere to sleep, soon after, didn’t help, either.”
“No, I guess it wouldn’t.”
“So, that’s my story. Now, can you explain to me why it matters for us?”
Derek nodded like he was deep in thought. “In the kind of ageplay we do, the age a Little regresses to is often connected to his or her past. There are several layers to ageplay. For us, I would like to use two elements in our dynamic.”
Derek stroked his beard for a moment. “For one, you have your mindset where you feel happy to let go and explore your sexuality. It makes sense for you to be about sixteen when in that frame of mind. It was the age you had your first sexual experience, but you never had the time and place to explore further. I want you to know you can be that sweet sixteen-year-old babe who is exploring her sexuality. When I know you’re in this headspace, I’ll take care of you. You’ll be safe with me. We can explore anything you want.” He smiled before putting up a stern face. “Although I like a bit of a brat, I expect you to follow my orders and behave for most of the time we’re playing.”
Sonja had to chuckle at that. She was relieved he—at least—liked some sass.
“How do you feel about this part of the dynamic?” Derek asked.
Sonja contemplated what they’d discussed, and she could accept this. Sixteen might be young, but it didn’t gross her out as diaper-play did. “I think I like this part, and I want to try it.” She grinned and added, “I can wear my schoolgirl uniform.”
Derek laughed and tugged her hair playfully before he sobered. “There’s another part I’d like to explore with you. Beside the sexual play, we have Little space, which can be therapeutic. This second part is mostly non-sexual.” Sonja raised one eyebrow, and Derek drew a deep breath. “I suggest we explore that part, too.”
“Why?” Sonja wanted to know.
“Baby, you missed out on a lot of your childhood. Why not allow yourself to enjoy some of it now?”
“You want me to behave like a six-year-old?” she asked with disdain.
He cocked his head a bit as he studied her. “Yes. That age makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“But, why?” she whined.
“Baby, hear me out before you get upset. Try to imagine being a six-year-old with your loving Daddy. You could play with your stuffed animals and color or draw pictures. You’d be allowed to be as childlike as you want. You wouldn’t have responsibilities. You wouldn’t have to do laundry or cook or pay bills.”
She narrowed her eyes. “That sounds great, but what do you get out of it?”
Derek smiled wide. “Are you kidding me? I get to take care of a happy and relaxed babygirl. When you allow your inner child out in the open, I get to enjoy the real you at your most vulnerable.”
Sonja frowned. “But you have the real me.”
“Yes, but you’ve grown up. As adults, we wear masks and behave in socially acceptable ways. Children are honest in their reactions, sometimes painfully direct, so we learn to conceal our reactions and responses. To get to see the pure you is a great gift, Sonja. A gift I will treasure. You would be sitting on my lap or cuddled against me, while we watch Disney movies or cartoons. I would get to bathe you and comb your hair. I can buy you pretty clothes and select the ones I want you to wear. It would be my heaven on earth, babygirl. There would be nothing more rewarding for me than playing with you in a safe, sane, and consensual fantasy world.”
Sonja let Derek’s words sink in. When put like that, it sounded pretty good. It also made a lot of sense to her, given her history. To sit with him and watch princess movies? Yes, please! But did he want to do that? Sonja’s head started to bob before she knew it.
“Yes?” Derek’s face brightened. “You want to try?”
“I want to discuss more with you about how long we’d do it at any one time and such, but, yes, Daddy, I want to try.”
Derek let out a whoop that startled her, but then she smiled when he scooped her up in his arms. Her smile turned into full-blown giggles as he peppered her face and neck with kisses. Then he shocked her by watching The Wizard of Oz with her and, afterward, cuddling in bed without having sex.