CHAPTER 28
“How did we squeeze so much in? I swear, it felt like I was there for, like, an hour,” Gabi said.
“I know. I think we were in intense tourist mode. You had twenty things on your list, and I wanted you to see as much as you could. Plus, it was Amsterdam, so I wanted you to experience going out at night. I think we slept for a few hours in there at some point.” Sarai laughed.
“Maybe you did. I don’t think I got any sleep. I was lying on that mattress on the floor, looking up at your dorm room ceiling, hoping that I didn’t talk in my sleep and no one had told me.”
“You worried about that?” she asked, laughing again as they walked over to the swings.
“I thought I might say something embarrassing.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Anything would’ve been embarrassing if I had been asleep while saying it, but I thought I might have a dream about you or something and end up giving my crush away.”
“What kind of dream would you have had, exactly?”
“I had pretty vivid dreams back then, especially if something big was happening in my life. That trip was pretty big. And I know what you’re really asking, but I doubt I would’ve dreamt about that. Maybe a kiss or something; I don’t think it would’ve been a sex dream.”
“Well, that’s disappointing,” Sarai replied.
“Yeah? You would’ve wanted to wake up to me moaning your name or something?”
“Yes,” Sarai said, laughing a little louder.
“What would you have even done about that? I can’t see the super cool, older than me Sarai Kaplan joining me on my floor mattress and going for it.”
“Oh, I would’ve just pretended like I heard nothing, but it would’ve been a massive boost to my ego.”
Gabi laughed and pointed to the swing.
“Sit.”
Sarai did as she was told and expected Gabi to sit down on the swing next to hers, but she didn’t.
Gabi moved around behind her, and a second later, Sarai was being pushed by her date.
She smiled softly at the feel of it. She hadn’t been on a swing like this in years; maybe since before high school.
Sarai couldn’t recall her previous swing ride, but she knew she’d remember this one forever.
“So, this has been a pretty amazing second date,” Gabi said after a minute of nice silence.
“It has been, yes,” she agreed.
“And we’ve talked a lot about our past; that weekend, specifically.”
“Well, that weekend is our past,” Sarai replied.
“Yeah, because you didn’t come visit me in Paris or let me come back to Amsterdam.”
“I wasn’t in charge of you. You could’ve come back. I was leaving soon, and–”
“My point is…” Gabi interrupted. “I’ve been thinking about that weekend a lot, for obvious reasons, and last night, after we hugged at my bedroom door and I was alone, looking up at another ceiling, I asked myself whether I would’ve wanted things to have happened differently.”
Sarai looked up at her and asked, “What do you mean?”
“I wondered what might have happened had I told you how I felt, or even just kissed you to show you, and how you might have reacted now that I know you felt something, too. I can’t ever know what would’ve really happened, obviously, but I pictured us sharing a kiss outside of one of those bars we went to on the way back to your dorm and then us trying to squeeze into that very small bed you had.
” Gabi chuckled. “I also pictured what could’ve happened the following morning and when I left on the train.
I even thought about getting out of going home and staying with you there until you had to leave.
I was traveling, but I could’ve paused my trip until you’d gone home.
Then, I thought about how I would’ve had to say goodbye to you at the airport, how hard that would’ve been, and how difficult a long-distance relationship, given our circumstances, seemed. ”
“And?” she asked as Gabi gave her another soft push.
“And I think we would’ve broken up.”
“What? You do?” Sarai asked, stopping the swing with her feet and turning to Gabi a little. “That was not the ending I expected from your cute little story there, Gabs.”
Gabi smiled at her and said, “Because it would’ve been too hard. You were right, Sarai. Now, lift your feet up, damn it.”
Sarai did, and Gabi pushed her once more.
“I think it would’ve been too difficult for us.
I was only eighteen, and I had a year of travel ahead of me before I was going to start a really intense program in school.
Then, my dad died, and I felt like I had to flee Paris.
Luckily, I’d gotten into MIT when I’d initially applied to colleges, and they accepted me for my sophomore year, but even if you and I had made it that far, things had gotten harder for me in school, my mom needed me more then, too, and you were just starting this business with your friends and about to move here.
You’ve told me how busy you were back then and how work has cost you relationships.
I would’ve loved to be able to say that we could’ve made it, and that we’d still be together today, but I don’t think that would’ve been reality. ”
“So, we would’ve ended up as what, friends who see each other once in a blue moon and only really interact on social media?”
“No,” Gabi replied and gave her another push. “I don’t think we would’ve talked at all.”
“Okay…” Sarai said, stopping the swing with her feet again. “Babe, this is a date. You’re supposed to be wooing me. I’m supposed to be wooing you. It’s a whole big thing.”
Gabi laughed, gripped the chains, and hovered over her.
“I was thinking about whether or not I would’ve wanted to go back and have us get together then, Sarai.
My answer is no because I wouldn’t have wanted this to end.
I really don’t want this to end, and I think it would have had we gotten together eleven years ago.
It still might now, but we’re ready for it this time.
I know we’ve had a few little bumps in the way recently, but it feels like they were supposed to happen.
You and I both really want this, so we want to protect it and make sure we’re going as slowly as we need to; that we’re ready for every big step and even the small ones.
As much as we might have liked each other back then, we were not ready for what this could be and what I think it might be turning into now. ”
Sarai reached for Gabi’s hips then, pulled her closer to herself, pressed her head to Gabi’s chest, and wrapped her arms around Gabi’s body.
“I’m saying that I wanted this then, but it’s better that we have it now,” Gabi added.
Sarai could only nod as she breathed Gabi in, smelling the laundry detergent that they all shared on her sweater mixed with a flowery fragrance that was all Gabi’s body wash and lotion.
She knew that because she’d seen Gabi’s shower supplies every time she took a shower herself, and she’d opened one of the bottles once just to see what it smelled like.
When she had, she’d been instantly warmed, and not by the water in the shower but from the recognition that Gabi smelled like that.
“I want it now, too,” she replied and looked up at Gabi, who let go of the chains and moved her hands to Sarai’s neck before she slid them up to cup her face.
“I want to look at those pictures with you, the ones on our phones, and I want to talk about how much fun we had that one weekend we met because our families thought you could show me around town, having no idea that we’d end up here now, but I also want to talk about the future, Sarai; not just the past.”
“We just talked about kids, like, twenty minutes ago,” she teased. “Not enough for you?”
Gabi chuckled and said, “Yes, but I want to talk about the other stuff, too.”
“What other stuff?”
“Well, all the important things couples need to figure out, but I also want to live in the present with you. I don’t want us to get stuck in the past; what was and what might have been.
I want to push you on swings, stare at trees with you while I hold your hand, have the best burritos I’ve ever had while sitting at a picnic table, and talk about the stuff we want for our lives and maybe our life together.
” Gabi swiped her thumb over Sarai’s cheek.
“I know that might scare you a little, but I’ve decided to risk telling you because that’s how I feel. ”
Sarai stood then, and it had caused Gabi’s hands to slip back down to her neck, so Gabi wrapped them around Sarai’s shoulders instead, and Sarai placed her own on Gabi’s waist, pulling her in closer until her hands connected around Gabi’s lower back.
“I want to get married one day,” she said.
Gabi’s eyes went wide, which made Sarai smile big.
“Not tomorrow. And I’m not saying that it has to be you. In general, I’d like to get married.”
“Oh,” Gabi replied, letting out a breath that Sarai felt.
“You wanted to talk about the big stuff, right?”
Gabi nodded.
“Well, that’s pretty big, so I thought you should know.
I’d like to move out of the house I share with my friends and into a place that I share with the woman I love.
It’s going to be hard for me because I’ve lived with them in this house for so long, so I’ll need someone who can be as patient as Stella has been with Violet because I’ll probably need to stop by a few times a week for a while. ”
Gabi smiled and gave her a nod.
“And I want to make this campaign so successful that our business explodes, so I’ll need someone who can be okay with me putting in some long hours until I get a bigger team to help me handle things a little better.”
Gabi gave her another nod.
“And I’d love to push you on the swing right now and maybe go home after that.”
“Right now?” Gabi asked, and her smile fell.
“Well, in a minute.” Sarai cupped her cheek and leaned in. “First, I want to do this.”
She waited several heartbeats, giving Gabi an out, but when Gabi didn’t pull back, Sarai pressed her lips gently to hers, and they stayed there, in that moment, not moving at all, until finally, Sarai began moving her lips against Gabi’s.
She kept the kiss slow, running her thumb over Gabi’s cheek as they pressed together over and over again.
Then, Gabi’s hands tightened in Sarai’s sweater, and Sarai felt her tongue requesting entrance, which she happily granted, wishing she had something to lean back against because standing up while kissing Gabi felt almost impossible on her wobbly legs.
“I want to live in the present with you, too,” she stated and went in for another kiss.
Gabi kissed her back, and their tongues danced for a long minute before Gabi dragged hers across her bottom lip, making her moan.
“God… I could’ve been doing this for eleven years? I change my mind – I think I would’ve preferred us getting together then.” Gabi chuckled. “You can really kiss. And that moan you just let out… God, Sarai.”
Sarai laughed and pulled Gabi in for a hug, resting her lips against Gabi’s neck.
“In that dream of yours, we no longer talk, apparently.” She kissed Gabi’s neck and dragged her lips up to Gabi’s ear. “And I like this version, where we’re still kissing, better.”
“Do you know why I said that we wouldn’t be talking?” Gabi asked, lifting Sarai’s sweater and grazing her hands over Sarai’s back.
“Why?”
“It would’ve been too hard, Sarai. I couldn’t be with you like that and then see you with someone else one day.”
Sarai pulled back a little to look at her and replied, “We literally live together now, Gabs.”
“I know. I’m not worried about that.” Gabi cupped her cheek and kissed her sweetly.
“I told you, I’m ready for you now. I think you’re ready for me, too.
We can acknowledge the fact that we’re also roommates who sometimes work together and say that if something happens between us, we can be mature adults about it.
But I’ll take this over anything else, so if it’s us or me living at that house, I’ll move out, Sarai.
I mean it. This is what I want more than anything. ”
Sarai kissed her again, letting their kiss progress slowly and naturally until it built, and Gabi moved her lips away from hers to put them on Sarai’s neck instead.
“We’re on a playground,” Sarai said with a smirk.
“Yeah. It’s empty. No one is paying attention to us.”
“We’re, like, twenty yards away from a food truck.”
Gabi stopped and looked at her.
“Do you want to go home now, Sarai?”
“Yes.”
“We can make out in the car at some deserted spot before we do that so that our roommates can’t interrupt us.”
“Are you trying to have that car sex you’ve, apparently, always wanted?” Sarai laughed.
“God, no. If we ever do that, it will not be for our first time. And I just want to keep kissing you now.” Gabi tugged on the hem of Sarai’s sweater before her fingers found the belt loops and she pulled Sarai in even closer and kissed her softly.
“I don’t want to get interrupted by Arlowe or Enya.
Or, hell, even Violet or Stella if they’re there right now. ”
“We can always just go to one of our rooms,” Sarai suggested, and when Gabi tilted her head, she added, “I’m not ready for that. Not tonight, anyway. Soon. But I do want to fall asleep next to you before we do that. Is that okay?”
“You want us to sleep in the same bed tonight?”
“Yes.”
“That is definitely okay with me,” Gabi replied.
“Then, let’s go home and charge those old phones so that we can look at the pictures and stuff tomorrow morning before Arlowe or Enya inevitably pops into our bubble for one reason or another.”
“We just had our first kiss,” Gabi said, seemingly realizing it at the same time.
“We did, yeah,” she replied, wondering why Gabi had just said that.
“Wow!” Gabi added.
“What?” Sarai asked, giggling as she wrapped her arms around Gabi’s neck.
“It’s just a big deal, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I think it really is,” she replied and kissed Gabi once more.