17. Chapter 17
Harley
This morning hadn’t been the first time I’d woken up wrapped in a man’s clothes. But a habit was a first. A habit , goodness gracious.
I sat alone in the second to last pew of Saint James Cathedral, trying to focus on Kingsley’s homily he gave for Midday Mass.
Only half of the rows were filled, the occasional coughing or throat clearing echoing off the stone walls and domed ceiling.
His gaze kept wandering over the Mass-goers, occasionally skipping to me, then stumbling on.
I’d had no idea that he had to preach today, not to mention on sexual immorality.
He talked about dressing modestly, specifically addressing the men in the congregation.
I wanted to rejoice about the fact that he was covering all the points I’d ranted about, but I couldn’t.
A moan built inside my chest. I had seduced a monk .
Proof of how tainted I was. Always had been, ever since my childhood.
The worst part was that I only felt a mite of the guilt that should be ravaging me.
Why couldn’t I respond like Kingsley? His bloodshot eyes before Vigils this morning had been a clear indicator that he’d cried.
Meanwhile, all I could think about was that the man was liquid passion.
Never in my life had I felt as desirable and loved as last night.
Heavens, his powerful body . . . Thank God I was still on birth control.
“Sweet Harley, you have to stop leading the poor guy on.”
The low drawl coming from behind me sent a shiver clawing up my spine. Craig. His aftershave stung my nostrils. How had I not noticed that someone was sitting right behind me?
“What do you want?” I hissed.
“Just to enjoy the message the Monk Boy delivers.”
“We both know that’s not why you’re here.” I glanced left and right, gauging my exit possibilities.
Something cold pressed into the right side of my lower back. “You’re staying.”
I glanced down, seeing a gun through the gap in the backrest. Heart racing, I looked up at Kingsley. He was reading from Scripture, eyes cast down. “You certainly wouldn’t shoot me in front of all those people,” I said over my shoulder.
“Nah, just like I didn’t shoot those slackers at Silent Wharf. Or like I would never deal in weapons.”
I gasped. He even admitted to his crimes. What was wrong with this man? Where was the Craig who’d dated me? The caring, loving guy? The one who put a kitchen towel over his head like long hair to imitate his mother?
Kingsley looked up, his gaze zeroing in on us. A shadow instantly darkened his features.
“Looks like Monk Boy is jealous.” Craig chuckled, his breath moistening my neck. “Cute how he thinks he can protect you.”
I almost laughed out loud. “Do you need a reminder that he choked you and your gorilla out cold?”
“Ah, yes. My dashboard cam caught that. If you get any ideas, Harley”—Craig ran the muzzle of his gun along my back—“like leaking to anyone what you saw, your lover will pay for it. He might have acted in self-defense, but if I cut the footage right, it’ll look like he assaulted us.”
“You’re lying,” I gritted out. “You didn’t film anything.”
“If you say so. You know, we sometimes fly a drone over the island for routine scans. I wonder what I’d find if I flew it over Saint James.”
My pulse raced along with my thoughts. No, he couldn’t. How? How would he—
He’s messing with you, girl. He doesn’t know what happened last night. No one does.
“You’ve gone suspiciously quiet, Harley. What are you and Monk Boy up to when no one’s watching? I have a feeling I’d enjoy the show.”
The smirk in his tone made me want to whip around and slap him. “You’re a psychotic pervert,” I hissed.
“Aww honey. Those words don’t belong in a church.”
I curled my hands into fists. I’m about to show you what doesn’t belong in a church. “Neither does a corrupt detective.”
Although Kingsley continued the homily, his gaze kept coming back to Craig and me. The way he white-knuckled the edge of the wooden ambo, his eyes darker than I’d ever seen before, made it look like it took everything in him to stay where he was.
“You can’t win, Harley,” Craig said. “Stay out of my business, and your lover can keep his life. Get in my way, and he’ll lose everything.” He wrapped my braid around his hand and slowly pulled my head back. “We clear?”
Tears blurred my vision from the pain pricking my scalp as my gaze was forced to the domed ceiling. “Yes,” I ground out.
“Atta girl.” He let go. “I always knew you’re a smart one.” With that, he scooted out of the pew and disappeared out the door.
The rest of the noon and afternoon I dodged Kingsley until Brother Aurelius asked me to bring him a sandwich. I found him chopping wood outside the shack he’d carried me to during our very first encounter. How had that been almost two weeks ago?
Kingsley brought the ax down onto a log, effortlessly splitting it in half. I watched him split several more—fast, hard, and precise. Each swing got more aggressive.
“I brought you food.”
He kept working, and for a moment, I thought he hadn’t heard me. But then he stopped and turned to me. “Thanks.” He accepted the sandwich and water, and settled in the grass. “What did he want from you?”
I sat next to him, grateful that the sky was cloudy and my fair skin didn’t get toasted to a crisp. “He admitted that he killed the men at Silent Wharf and that he deals in arms.”
Scowling, Kingsley extended half of the sandwich to me. Dark brown loose curls stuck to his sweaty forehead, his habit plastered to his chest.
“I’m sorry about last night.” I took the sandwich even though I had zero appetite. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I stole your virtue and made you break your celibacy vow.”
His Adam’s apple jerked, and he closed his eyes. “It takes two to tango.” His sea-green eyes came to me. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have—” His jaw flexed. “It was a mistake.”
The words stung. But he was right. It had been a mistake, although the best mistake of my life.
“I’ve always been like this,” I said quietly. “My mind has been screwed up for as long as I can remember. When I was six, I played ‘doctor’ with a boy. Then with two more. It was like an obsession.”
The same old shame I’d been wrestling with ever since once again caught me in its web.
Wrapped around me as if to suffocate me.
I had carried this burden in silence for decades, and now I dumped it on Kingsley, of all people.
Probably because he felt safe. I had no filter around people I felt safe with.
Actually, I hardly had a filter at all. But there were just certain topics I didn’t talk about.
He took me in. “You were a kid, Harley. Kids are curious.”
I shook my head. “It didn’t end there. I grew up in a Christian home and heard the ‘no sex outside of marriage’ message a hundred times, yet I lost my virginity at fourteen.
Way too young, if you ask me. I mean, imagine Giuliana telling us she had sex.
Sheesh. My parents found out and swept it under the rug.
I was so ashamed, but couldn’t stop, so I continued doing it behind their backs.
Usually while they were on stage, because then I had our RV to myself.
If there was no guy around, I resorted to masturbation.
The high sex drive never ceased. Do you know how hard it is to constantly feel this all-consuming need, but God doesn’t give you a husband? ”
Kingsley had gone very, very quiet. He sat there, sandwich in hand and staring straight ahead.
I unclawed my fingers from the grass and dirt I’d dug them into. Stop yapping, girl. You’ll scar the poor man. “Instead He gave me you. A monk.” I huffed. “He dangles the perfect man in front of me like a carrot, but nope. Can’t have him.”
Kingsley turned to me. “Did you just compare me to a carrot?”
I laughed. Swatted at his upper arm. “You know what I mean.”
A tired smile stretched across his face.
Then he sobered again. “I wish I had some wise words for you, but I’m just as lost as you are.
I appreciate your honesty, though. And please don’t be ashamed of your past.” He sniffed.
“Satan wants us to be stuck in shame, but after convicting us, God wants us to repent and then receive His forgiveness. Go and sin no more, as Jesus said.” His gaze intensified as he looked me square in the eye.
“You’re not screwed up or dirty, Harley.
You aren’t used or broken. You’re a new creation in Christ, and the enemy can’t take that from you. ”
It was as if his words reached deep inside of me and released a part of my guilt and shame. For once I didn’t feel condemned, but heard and understood.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you for listening without judging. And thank you for including my rant in today’s homily.”
He gave me a wry smile. “Who am I to judge after last night?” His jaw went rigid, and he turned his head away.
“What’s going to happen, Kingsley? Will you tell Father Cruz?”
He pressed his fingers into his eyes. “I have to. My conscience won’t allow me not to.”
“What are the consequences?”
“Best case excommunication. Means I’m not allowed to talk to the others for a while. Have to eat by myself. Worst case I get expelled.”
I gasped. “Are you saying they’ll kick you out?”
Kingsley dipped his chin to his chest. Nodded.
“What? No! They can’t do that!” My throat felt like an iron hand had wrapped around it and squeezed. “We’re all sinners. Isn’t that what Father Cruz preached the other day?”
“We are, but we have to accept the consequences of our actions. I made a promise to God that I would never—” His mouth flattened into a thin line. He shook his head.
My heart crumpled. For once I had no words. So I reached out to him and touched his upper arm.
His biceps flexed under my hand. “Don’t touch me.” His voice was so hoarse it sounded like he was whispering.
For some reason the words were like a slap in the face. I let my hand fall away. “Sorry.”
“Every time you do, I get sucked into this bottomless pit where I can’t control myself. Feeling your fingers on me makes me want to touch you back, and then . . .” His jaw flexed. “I can’t go there, Harley. I just can’t.”
Oh, there went his brutal honesty again. And the things it did to me . . . Things it shouldn’t do to me at all. “Of course. I’m sorry. I’ll try to keep my hands to myself.”
“Appreciate it.” He lifted his sandwich and tore into it. Swallowed. “This is off topic, but have you heard from Rome?”
Obviously he was done talking, and I had to respect that. “Yes. He texted me and said he’d come up here later tonight to talk. Apparently he found something.”
“I’ll come with you.”
I glanced at Kingsley. “Okay. I’m curious to hear what he has to say.”
“Hopefully good news.”
Again, his statement stung. It sounded like he wanted to get rid of me, which would happen if Rome had evidence to take Craig down.
And again, he was right. Once I was no longer in danger, I had no reason to stay here. Which was for the best, because so far I’d caused nothing but harm.
Kingsley was a blessing for my relationship with God, but I was poison for his.