19. Chapter 19
Harley
“Of course I have to fall in love. With. A. Monk.” With each word I slammed the branch I was gripping against the thick trunk of the tree I had chosen to be my victim. Each hit reverberated up my arms and echoed through the small woods inside Saint James Monastery.
A monk. Out of every occupation or lifestyle or whatever, Kingsley had to be a monk.
“Argh!” Another hard hit. “Why can’t You just bring someone into my life who loves me and is actually allowed to love me?”
Kingsley’s handsome face snuck back into my mind. The hooded eyes and gravelly voice. “I love you, Harley Raines.”
He’d snagged the words right off my tongue. And I knew he meant them because the man’s every deed bled love.
Forbidden love.
With a frustrated scream, I hit the tree three more times, then flung the branch into the shrub and sank to the leaf-covered ground.
I buried my face in my hands. My heart ached so much I could hardly breathe.
I love him so much, Jesus. Of course I had to drag him into my mess.
I tainted him. Defiled him. Heck, I’m driving a stake between you two.
What kind of Christian does that? Why don’t You heal me already? You heal everyone else.
I needed to leave this place.
“Harley?”
I jerked my head up. “Father Cruz.”
“Are you all right?” He wove through the trees and stopped in front of me, concern etched in his tan face. “I heard a scream.”
“Yeah, sorry.” Batting strands out of my face that had escaped my ponytail, I rose. “I’m just . . . venting to God.” About how madly in love I am with one of your monks but can’t have him. Oh, and we had sex. Twice.
The corners of Father Cruz’s mouth tugged into a wry smile. “Ah. I’m a bit more relaxed these days, but I used to talk to God just like that.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Really?” The man was so laid-back I had a hard time imagining him snapping.
“Oh yeah. The thing is, God appreciates our honesty. We can come before Him, no matter what emotional state we are in. Emotions in themselves aren’t sinful. But they can drive us to sinful actions if we aren’t careful.”
I let the words sink in, aching to confess everything. Which was impossible without getting Kingsley into hot water. I doubted he’d talked to the abbot. What kept him from taking the step?
“I have an appointment in the city,” Father Cruz said. “Would you like to tag along? I can drop you off somewhere.”
“Yes, please.” Getting out of these walls would hopefully allow me to breathe again. Everything here reminded me of Kingsley, even though he wasn’t around. And I needed to talk to someone. Bella should be home.
Half an hour later, I sat on her king-size bed, repeatedly running my hand over the pink silk comforter while she rummaged around in her walk-in closet.
Her room was the stuff Pinterest boards were made of—white, luxurious furniture, a ginormous bookshelf, a plush carpet, and soft lighting.
The subtle scent of her rosy perfume hung in the air.
“How are things going with Kingsley?” she hollered from inside the closet.
“Um . . . It’s probably for the best if I leave the monastery.”
“Why?”
“Because we had sex.”
Bella’s head slowly appeared in the entrance, her blue eyes wide as saucers. “Pardon me?”
I pursed my lips. Shrugged. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should feel guilty, and I do, but not as much as would be appropriate. He broke his vow of celibacy because of me. Do you know how much trouble he could get into because of that? They could kick him out of the monastery.”
Bella crossed the white wool carpet and sank down on the bed next to me. Smoothed out her flowery summer dress, her face drawn with sympathy. “What happened?”
Might as well spill everything. “We started building this insane connection, and then . . . I don’t know. It just happened. But it wasn’t sex. We made love .” I closed my eyes. “I seduced a monk, Bella. Why do I have to be so rotten?”
“That doesn’t make you rotten.”
“Yes, it does. I’ve struggled with sexual sin as long as I can remember.
I keep hearing how other Christians find freedom, but I don’t.
First I tried to fight it, then I accepted it for what it was.
Then I started fighting again, but it’s a battle I can’t win.
Doesn’t the Bible say that when we are tempted God gives a way out?
I must be either stupid or blind, because I can’t find it! ”
Silence hung heavy between us as Bella chewed on her bottom lip. “Neither can I,” she finally murmured, avoiding my gaze.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
Pink tinged her cheeks. “I struggle with a smut addiction.” She waved at her floor-to-ceiling bookshelf boasting hundreds of romance novels sorted by color. “These books here are innocent, but the ones on my Kindle?” She shook her head.
Oh my . . . “I had no idea.” I’d always thought she was so innocent. Heck, I’d been jealous of the fact that she didn’t have my issues.
“I know. You’re the first to know, so . . .” She lifted a shoulder. “And then there are the thirst traps on social media. Somehow those shirtless men keep showing up on my feed. It’s so frustrating.”
“Same, girl! I deleted my accounts because of them.”
“I would, too, but it’s my main platform for promoting my clothing brand. And it’s strange, because some of them are actually Christian men, and then boom ! Shirtless video.”
“Right? Why do they do that?”
“I don’t know. For attention?”
Both our phones rang at the same time. Since mine was charging on Bella’s desk, she answered hers and put it on speaker. “Hey, Coco. I’m here with Harley.”
“Wassup, Harry!” she yelled, making us laugh. “I have amazing news!”
“Spit it out already,” I answered, grinning.
“I’m officially Tatum Grady’s assistant.”
The squeal Bella let out nearly damaged my eardrums. Good thing there was no bathtub she could fall into. “That’s amazing! Congrats!”
“I agree,” I said, rubbing my aching ear.
“Thanks, ladies. Did I interrupt something?”
A wide-eyed look from Bella made it clear that I was the one who did the talking. “Are you alone?”
“Uh . . . yeah?”
“Good, because I just told Bella how frustrated I am that I keep getting tangled in sexual sin. I slept with Kingsley.”
“Oh.” A brief pause followed in which I pictured Coco pursing her lips. “That’s not good.”
“No, it’s not.”
“And I told Harry that I struggle with staying away from spicy books. There, now you know, too.”
My chest swelled, and I squeezed Bella’s hand, smiling at her.
“Well, while we’re at it . . .” A deep sigh came over the line. “I had a porn addiction while I was married to Terrance. I eventually got over it, but it took two years .”
Bella and I gaped at each other, then burst out laughing. Nothing about this was amusing, yet the fact that we all struggled with the same sin and didn’t know was almost comical.
“Why have we never talked about this?” I asked after somewhat recovering.
“Because Satan wants us to struggle alone,” Coco said. “He wants us to feel ashamed, because that’s what keeps us from talking to others and God.”
Bella nodded. “My thoughts exactly. Does the church offer some kind of program?”
“Only for men.” I rolled my eyes. “Because women don’t struggle with this kind of stuff.” I didn’t bother to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. “It’s kinda wild how we women are held accountable for how we dress, but men aren’t. Yet help is only offered to men.”
“Maybe we could request a course specifically geared towards women?” Bella shrugged. “I bet we aren’t the only ones struggling.”
Bet not. Hearing that both my friends battled sexual sin and lust made me feel less alone and oddly gave me hope. “Coco, would you mind praying for us? You’re the prayer warrior here. And any tips are welcome.”
“Of course. First of all I think it’s important to know that, yes, the struggle and constant battle is extremely exhausting.
But it shows that the Holy Spirit is at work in us.
If not, we wouldn’t be fighting. We would be indulging without even thinking about changing.
So the fact that it is a battle is a good thing. ”
Huh, I’d never looked at it that way.
“Second, we often think it’s a physical battle when in reality it’s spiritual.
And for that we need to fight spiritually with the armor of God.
That’s why marriage isn’t the answer. You can’t solve a spiritual problem with a physical solution.
I’m the best example of that. I had issues before I got married, and the first year of our marriage was wonderful, but I still had the urge to watch porn sometimes. ”
That gave me pause. I’d always thought once I was married to a man who matched my sex drive, my needs would be met and the issue would go away. But Coco made a valid point. I didn’t want to bring my issues into my marriage.
“How can we get cured?” I asked.
Coco sighed. “The thing is that, for most of us, it’ll be a lifelong battle. Before you get discouraged, remember that Jesus is in it with us. His power is made perfect in our weakness.”
“This takes the pressure from us,” Bella said.
“Exactly. That doesn’t mean that we just keep doing our thing.
We have to persistently seek God and commit to Him.
Get rid of everything that makes you stumble.
Get an accountability partner. Someone who isn’t in it themselves.
Every time you get tempted, cry out to Jesus.
Have Bible verses ready to read out loud. ”
Hmm, who could be my accountability partner? Maybe my parents, or Noa Rose.
“Now let me pray,” Coco said. “Father, we come before You with our sins and our shame. We ask that You would give us the strength to resist temptation. That You, Holy Spirit, show us what the root cause is that drives us to seek comfort in creation rather than the Creator Himself. Fill us with Your love until there is no room left for other cravings. Thank You for not condemning us, but rather being with us through all of it. In Jesus’s name, amen. ”
Even as Bella and I echoed the amen, the knot in my gut loosened. What a beautiful gift God had given me with my friends.
I shifted on the bed. “Can you guys please pray for Kingsley? I know he’ll tell the abbot eventually. The way I know him he just can’t not. The question is what the consequences are.”