24. Chapter 24
Kingsley
A heavy emptiness pressed down on me when I awoke in Harley’s guest bed. Soft light filtered in through the window—the moon. Given its angle it had to be roughly four a.m.
Hold on, where was Harley? She wasn’t in my arms. Not in the bed.
Holding my breath, I strained to hear something. Maybe she was in the bathroom.
Not a single sound.
I sat up. Looked around the small room. Empty. Harley’s stuff was gone, only my habit hanging over the back of the chair.
My heart raced. No, she didn’t . . .
I scrambled out of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom. The door stood open, no one inside.
No, no, no!
I sprinted back into the bedroom, threw on my still wet habit—not wasting time on the belt and sandals—and stormed out of the guesthouse. Why had she left? Had I done or said something wrong? Her ex was still on the loose, she couldn’t just stroll out of here.
The woods were dark, but I knew them inside out and cleared them sprinting full on, only peripherally feeling sticks cutting into my bare feet.
Then the field to the back door. Something told me if Harley had taken an exit, it would be this one.
But she’d probably climbed the wall as not to leave a door unlocked.
I unbolted the door and kept running. There! She was getting into her VW.
The urge to holler her name was overwhelming, but I managed to keep my mouth shut and keep running instead. The headlights flicked on, then the engine came to life. No!
Gravel poked my feet when I reached the parking lot. I dove right in front of the moving vehicle.
Harley slammed onto the brakes, and the VW jerked to a halt, the bumper inches from me. Hands on the hood, I stood in the blinding headlights, breathing hard. I couldn’t make out Harley and didn’t dare to move out of the way. I refused to let her go. Not before I’d talked to her.
The engine cut off.
I huffed out a breath of relief. Praise to You, Lord. If nothing else, at least I got to talk to her.
Blood rushed in my ears when I stalked to the driver’s side just as Harley let down the window. The interior light had come on, revealing her duffle lying on the passenger seat. My gut twisted so violently I was about to throw up.
Hands on the wheel, Harley had her chin tucked and eyes closed. “Please don’t.”
“He’s still out there, Harley. One of those guys shot Rome. Who says they won’t do the same to you?” I gripped the door. “I can’t protect you if you leave!”
She lifted a shoulder. “Then so be it. We both know I can’t stay here.”
“Yes. Yes, you can.” Desperation choked me. “Please, Harley. Don’t do this to me.”
For the first time, she lifted her head and looked at me. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her eyes red. She stabbed a finger at her chest. “ I made you break your vow of celibacy. I defiled you. I drove you away from God.”
“I already told you that I make my own decisions.”
“Decisions that would’ve never been yours to make if it weren’t for me!” she shouted. Her face crumpled, and I wanted nothing more than to open this cursed door and pull her into my arms.
“Sweetheart . . .” My voice cracked.
“No!” The coldness in her tone took me aback. She turned the key in the ignition, the engine clattering to life. “I’m leaving. Tell Father Cruz thank you for letting me stay.”
I hung my head. Lifted it again. “There’s nothing I can do, is there?”
Chin trembling, she shook her head.
“Okay.” I pressed my lips together. Nodded. “Okay.” Acid burned my throat, and I cleared it. “I need you to promise me one thing.”
“Promise what?” she whispered.
“Go to Rome. He can keep you safe.”
He could, right?
Adrenaline dumped into my system. What if he couldn’t? What if the same thing happened to her that’d happened to Kimball? Or something worse?
“Okay.” Harley nodded. “You have my word.”
I don’t want your word. I want you to stay. Need you to stay. “You know you’re always welcome here and can come back any time.”
“Thank you.” Another tear rolled down her cheek. “Goodbye, Kingsley.”
Unable to get a word out, I took a step back, my arms falling to my sides. Then I watched her pull out of the parking lot onto the road leading down the mountain. The taillights of her VW quickly disappeared in the jungle.
“Goodbye, Harley.”
Seminary dragged today, and I counted down the seconds to get out of the classroom.
Over and over I went through the conversation I’d had with Harley.
She’d left me because she thought she was a bad influence on me.
Yet it had been me who’d let her distract me.
Who’d kissed her. Who’d made the first move to sleep with her. Why couldn’t she see this?
Sure, she had a point in saying if she hadn’t been around in the first place, I would’ve never messed up.
But I was still convinced that the Lord had led Harley to Saint James for a reason.
But God didn’t tempt us. It was our own evil desires that did.
The fact that my mind was still hung up on last night was proof enough that everything was my fault.
Relief chugged through me when class was finally over.
I almost growled when I spotted Rome waiting in the parking lot for me.
He sat on his bike next to the monastery’s F-150, smartly dressed as always.
The sun was about to go down, all shades of red streaking the sky.
Other students streamed out of Astor Hall, the main building of Darkwater Refuge University.
“How’s the arm, Marino?” I asked, even though I didn’t feel like talking to him.
I didn’t feel like talking to anyone at all.
Just wanted to get back to the monastery and go for a swim.
Disturbingly, a part of me wanted to go back to the glowworm cave so I could relive the moments I’d had with Harley.
My conscience would never allow this, though.
I needed to refocus on God. There was no room for a woman, no matter how much I loved her.
“Had worse,” Rome said. “Didn’t hit any bones or tendons, only muscle. I’m supposed to wear a sling, but I tossed it after ten minutes. Too restrictive.”
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, but I wasn’t really feeling it. “What can I do for you?”
“Had my DRPD source check out the bunker. Said it was empty. No MANPADS, no weapons, no bodies, no blood.”
I folded my arms and leaned against the F-150. “Which means what? We lost our chance to take Fuller down?”
“I don’t know, man.” Rome roughed a hand over his face, the golden cross dangling from his left ear catching the headlights of a passing car. He curled his hand into a fist, his eyes darkening. “No. I will hunt the guy down if it’s the last thing I do. For Harley.”
My heart spasmed at the mention of her name. “Do you know where she is? She . . . left. This morning.”
A gaggle of women moved past us, whispering and ogling Rome. He didn’t even bat an eye at them. They shoved a Latina wearing a red skirt and white blouse forward, and she floated up to us.
“Can I be your backpack sometime?” she asked Rome.
“No.”
Her eyes widened at his gruff answer.
As always, I felt the need to mediate. “Trust me,” I said, giving her a smile, “you don’t want to get on that bike. He rides like a maniac.”
She looked at me, taking me in. “Hey, I know you. You’re that monk that got arrested. You’re Keaton Grady’s brother, Kingston or something, right?”
I groaned inwardly. Of course she had to recognize me. How did I explain to her that I hadn’t gotten arrested, just pulled over and frisked?
“Can I take a picture with you?”
The hope lighting up her dark eyes almost made me say yes, even though I was ready to bolt.
“Listen, lady,” Rome said gruffly. “We’re trying to have a conversation here. So if you please could give us some room.”
She threw her hands up. “Geez, sorry.” With that, she whipped around and rejoined the other women.
Rome scoffed, then refocused on me. “Harley is staying with me.”
I swallowed hard. Sure, I’d told her to go to him, but the idea of her seeking comfort in him . . .
Drop it, man. You have no claim on her.
Not to mention her safety had priority.
“She okay?” I asked, my voice suddenly raw.
Rome stretched his neck. “Was pretty upset, but she’ll be fine. You know she’s a tough one.” He sighed. “Sorry this happened.”
That makes two of us. “We had it coming.” Except I hadn’t expected it to rip my heart out of my chest like it had. “Is there anything I can do to track down Fuller?”
“Nah, you’ve already gotten too wrapped up in the whole thing. You go back to living the monk life. You’re about to become a priest, right?”
“That was the idea.” After everything that’d happened I wasn’t so sure anymore. A priest was supposed to lead by example, not fall for worldly pleasures. A few months back I’d told Keaton that I would always be a Grady, the epitome of a rotten life. I’d been right.
What if being a priest wasn’t my vocation? What if I’d heard God wrong the entire time? My chest tightened. What else was I supposed to do? Saint James—being a monk—was all I knew.
“Hey.” Rome’s amber eyes flashed. “My theology isn’t on your level, but if I know anything, it’s that the Almighty can get you out of whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into. He might allow you to eat the consequences, but He’ll stick by your side, walking every agonizing step of it with you.”
I nodded. Knew that, but I didn’t deserve it. Rotting in hell, that’s what I deserved.
That was it, though. I hadn’t just lost Harley by feeding my flesh, I’d lost a part of my relationship with God.
And maybe I would even lose the monastic community, my brothers and fathers. Because I needed to tell Father Cruz. I couldn’t keep my sins a secret any longer.