Chapter Fifteen
The next day
Dear Diary,
The journey to Lady Ashbourne’s house party took but an hour, yet every minute of it was filled with such sensations that I don’t even know if I can describe them in mere words.
Though Alice sat on the opposite seat on the far side of the carriage, my maid’s presence could not diminish my keen awareness of being so physically near Gabriel in such close confines. How could it?
Since the day of the picnic, I found myself even more conscious of him in every way.
The breadth of his shoulders beside me, the warmth of his nearness, the timbre of his voice when he spoke, low and steady above the rattle of the wheels.
My pulse pounded with every word he uttered.
Even the silent moments between us were charged, as though the air itself was electrified.
When his knee brushed mine, a rush of butterflies swarmed in my stomach. And for the duration of the hour, I relived the intimacy of the picnic and our horseback ride.
I told myself to remain composed, to keep my thoughts inside the next few days or to only engage in simple chitchat. But I wanted to speak to him of everything.
If he and I had been alone, could I have admitted the truth to him? Could I have told him that I am not Miss Elizabeth Vickers, daughter of one of the wealthiest magnates in the world, but her cousin, Miss Ashlyn March, daughter of a fine and talented physician?
Oh, Diary, it is useless to deny it—every nerve within me is alive to him, and I do not know how much longer I can keep such feelings hidden.
And if I am somehow able to express my feelings, then I must also tell him the truth.
But what then, Diary? What would happen if Gabriel knew the truth about me, knew that I have been lying the entire time I have known him?
I fear I know the answer already. He would despise me.
Gabriel is the most honorable man I have ever met, next to my father and uncle.
The fact that I lied about who I am to not only him, but to his mother, and lovely Caro, whom he adores above all others…
I have become so fond of Caro and the dowager countess.
And lying to his trusted staff! Oh, Diary, I cannot bear to think what they would think of me if they knew.
And yet how can I not tell Gabriel the truth?
How can I keep this from him and return to London and then to America without telling him everything?
Guilt sometimes overwhelms me so much that I have trouble catching my breath.
I’ve tried to write often, but so much has happened that it has been challenging to keep up with my entries. Still, yesterday was so lovely that I had to share the experience here—if only to confirm that it wasn’t a dream.
Gabriel took me for a scenic ride through some of the paths that wound through the hills of his estate.
We stopped to enjoy a picnic atop one of the hills overlooking Gabriel’s property.
The view was breathtaking. Truly. I rode Lightning, a delightful white gelding that belonged to his late sister, Olivia; the horse seemed to bond with me immediately.
It had been ages since I’d ridden, but I could tell that Lightning liked me.
It felt wonderful to be back in the saddle, and I wish I could ride him through the fields back home in the wee hours of the morning when there is no one but me and the horse.
The gelding is only five years old, and he’s spent most of his life mourning the loss of his mistress.
Gabriel was an attentive host. The picnic exceeded all my expectations—though I don’t think I even had any expectations. We rode to his favorite spot, a hedgerow on a hill overlooking his manor house and lands. When we gazed down at the expanse below, it resembled a beautiful patchwork quilt.
Gabriel shared his thoughts about the trees—which I found both poignant and profound.
He told me that when the wind blows, it sounds as though the trees are whispering to each other.
He pointed out the various trees—yews and beech trees, and even the willows—that whisper in the wind.
He also told me of a variety of grass, called quaking grass, that he said whispers in the wind.
Gabriel said that from ancient folklore, when the blades of the quaking grass move in the wind, it was thought they were fairies speaking to each other.
Is that not a lovely observation? Since arriving on his doorstep wet and bedraggled and worried on that frightening night of the storm, I have been surprised at every turn by Gabriel.
She thought more about what he’d told her, one suggestion being that it could also be voices of the deceased. “No, I’m certain it was the fairies,” she decided, giving a quick nod. Besides, this was her diary. Picking up her quill, she nibbled her bottom lip and continued.
When we returned to the stable, I spotted the carriage we arrived in and couldn’t stop myself from stopping to look at it. It was a miracle that we made it out of there. Gabriel wanted to know how.
It’s late, so let me get to the best part.
Gabriel kissed me…and I LOVED it. My first kiss, and it had to be the most delightful kiss ever!
All I could think about was wanting the next one…
and the next. It was so hard to sit across from him this morning without thinking about his lips on mine…
Butterflies flutter at the sheer thought of another kiss.
At least here, I can share my true feelings, because no one will read my private thoughts except me. Oh, Diary, I think I am in love with Gabriel… And while I sense his attraction and perhaps feelings for me as well, it is all for naught.
I cannot continue to live this lie and have to find a time and place to tell him everything.
I owe him that much—but when I do, I’ll lose everything.
He won’t want anything to do with me. Any future I might have hoped for with Gabriel is doomed to end before it even begins. And all because I have lied.
~A
“I see you’ve been up here with your diary, Miss Vickers,” Alice said with a smile, entering the room.
“You know how I am. When there’s something important, I need to put it on paper before I forget the nuances.”
“Poor Lord Ravensthorpe was besieged by the women in the parlor. I believe he might have been looking for you, miss. There was one who you may want to pay attention to—her name is Lady Paula Ashbourne.”
“Yes, I met her, and the countess mentioned her a few days ago,” Ashlyn said. “She was almost rude to me, which I thought odd.”
“Yes, well, I saw her be mean to one of the maids. And she has a twin—a brother, if you can believe there might be two of them—who was asking for you, which seemed to irritate the earl, if you don’t mind me saying,” Alice said, as she unpacked Ashlyn’s clothing and put it in the clothes press.
“The other maids and I were getting things in order from the coaches. But I overheard her saying things to the other women who were arriving, making it clear that this is her house and she is in charge of the party.” She chuckled.
“I wonder if her mother knows who isn’t the one in charge? ”
“Yes,” Ashlyn agreed, smiling. She appreciated Alice’s loyalty and her frankness.
“That is bizarre behavior. Why would Lady Paula feel the need to do that when, presumably, her family invited the guests? Something tells me these next few days will be most challenging,” she said, trying to calm her already rollicking nerves.
“There’s a certain something about her—you know that unpleasant sense you get around young ladies that don’t seem genuine,” Alice said.
“She asked me about your whereabouts, but I told her one of the footmen had already ushered you to your room. Stay aware of her, is my advice. And before I forget, the earl asked me how you were doing. He’s always very solicitous of you, miss. ”
Ashlyn listened. She’d be wise to take Alice’s advice. The maid’s sense of people was always keen. “I will, I promise.”
“Well…your name was on the lips of almost everyone, according to the other maids I met. Now you’ve gone and added a mysterious element by going straight to your room, where you’ve been for over an hour, when everyone else is exploring the house.
But I’ll say this: The little I got to observe him, the earl didn’t seem to like everyone asking about you.
That was totally unexpected,” Alice said, laying out a deep pink muslin dress for the day.
“Luncheon is under the tent on the back terrace. I peeped out there, and everything looks beautiful.”
“The ride here was less than an hour. I don’t feel like I have a lot of traveling dust, so I’m going to skip a bath and take one later today.”
“Yes, I agree, miss. In the meantime, I brought a bar of that delicious honeysuckle soap for you to use.” Alice pointed to the dry sink and water pitcher against the wall.
“Alice, I have no idea how this party will go. But if amusements go long, and you are too tired, don’t feel like you can’t doze off.”
“I’m fine, miss. Believe it or not, I got lots of rest at Ravenswood. Everyone was so welcoming and helpful. Oh…Mrs. Fitz sent a small tin of biscuits for you and me. They’re in my bag. I’ll bring them to you.”
“That was so kind of her. But I have a feeling there will be no lack of food here. You keep and enjoy them.”
“Thank you, miss, I’ll do that. The woman is a wonderful cook. Much better than those cooks in that stuffy hotel.”
Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile. She knew Alice enjoyed cookies—er…biscuits, really—and felt a warm feeling of happiness at knowing her friend had a full tin of Mrs. Fitz’s wonderful baking.