Chapter 63
“What are you saying, Austin?”
“I’m saying … I don’t know if I would have had the guts to ask before, but maybe … okay, maybe I should backtrack.”
I furrow my brow at him in mock confusion. “You really are nervous, aren’t you?”
He stretches his hands out and then plants them on his thighs. “Yep, I am, Red.”
“Why?”
But I know why. I know where this is going. And for once, I don’t feel panicked. I don’t second-guess my instincts.
“Because I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’m always gonna love you. And there’s a reason I can’t find this feeling anywhere else. It’s because it’s not lust. It’s not just love. It’s you.”
My skin alights with goose bumps. “You love me.”
“I obviously fucking love you, Didion. We were just too young. And then I was too messed up. But now we’re here, and it still feels good, it still feels right.
I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I could be with you for the rest of my life, and love you every day, and work harder on our relationship than I ever worked on anything. ”
“Even tennis?” I challenge, pretending my body isn’t entirely made up of fluttering butterflies now.
“Way more than tennis. It scares the shit out of me, because I’m afraid of losing you. But I do believe it’s better to love and lose. And I already lost you. So many times. Now I just want to love you.”
My chin trembles and I breathe in to combat the emotion. “You’re not … are you being serious?”
“Can you imagine if I wasn’t?”
This makes me laugh, just as tears start to fall down my cheeks and I say, “Actually, I can. That’s how little I trust!”
He laughs too, and then puts a hand out. “You don’t have to do it all at once. You don’t have to commit or decide everything right now. For now, will you put your hand in mine?”
I do.
“And will you let me kiss you?”
I nod.
And he does. For better or worse, I feel very aware that I do have to do it all right now. It may be a risk. Even so, I am letting myself fall, and for once …
I trust it.
“I’m sorry I deleted my number in your phone,” I whisper, making close, deep eye contact.
“That’s okay.” He smiles. “I had it memorized.”