Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
Everleigh
Britton - To My Younger Self
R age pulsed through me as I pulled into my driveway, my gaze lingering on the rundown house we were forced into a couple years ago. Even from the outside, you could tell it was in horrible condition. The exterior was painted an ugly off-white color with chips of paint and wood flaking from a variety of places. The yard was overgrown with grass and weeds, preventing you from seeing the ground beneath. But that was another thing on my plate that I simply didn’t have time for. Today was one of my only days off, meaning I’d spend it giving Emma a bath and making sure Tate bathed, too. They probably had homework, and I promised to take them out for ice cream. Then, I’d need to clean the house as much as possible while cooking for my family and making sure Mom was doing okay in between. Briley helped sometimes, but she also complained a lot when I did ask. Sometimes, it was easier to just do it on my own.
My nose still throbbed from when Ash kicked the ball at my face, hurt puncturing through my chest at the audacity. I knew what I did was fucked on so many levels, but that was a low blow, and he knew it, too.
“Everything okay?” Briley asked from beside me, worry twisting her features.
I swallowed thickly, refusing to break down in front of them. If I wasn’t strong, they’d feed off it, and they didn’t need to worry about me anyways. Even if Briley had been there to see what had happened.
“I want ice cream!” Emma squealed from the backseat, refusing to forget—not that I would have backtracked on it anyways.
Sighing, I leaned against my seat and nodded. “Fine. Let me just check on Mom first and then we’ll go.”
Emma objected, but I was already climbing out of the vehicle, slamming the door behind me. Checking on Mom was a front. I knew she was okay, having just called her half an hour ago. I just needed some time to myself for a minute. Tears stung my eyes as I walked through the long grass, moving toward the porch.
Slipping inside, the scent of mold attacked my senses, making my throat tighten with disgust. The house wasn’t in good condition when we moved here, but it’s only gotten worse since.
The floorboards creaked beneath my feet; the wood streaked with unknown substances. As soon as I made it to my room, I pulled the door closed behind me and leaned against it. My chest was coiled tight with guilt and hurt as I thought back to our scrimmage earlier.
The look of pure rage on Ashton’s face was imprinted into my mind. The accusation and pain flickering within his gray eyes. He hated me. While we’d been away from each other all this time, I thought maybe he’d gotten over it and didn’t hate me as much as he did the last time we’d been face to face. Clearly, that had been wishful thinking.
A part of me would always love him, always have regrets for how things ended between us. There was no changing the past. I couldn’t erase the damage that had been done on my part, and he’d never be able to trust me or forgive me. We just needed to move on. There was no sense in the hostility. It wouldn’t change anything.
My eyes fluttered closed as the first tear rolled down my cheek, warming the sensitive skin there.
“You’re nothing but a fucking whore, Everleigh.”
And I believed it, too. Even if I didn’t remember how things ended up the way they did, even if I thought it had been him sliding inside of me, I believed it. Because regardless of the reasoning behind it, there was no justifying my actions, so I didn’t even try. I was the one who went to his house that day. I was the one who apparently drank so much I blacked out, even if I only remembered the one drink that had been given to me. I made a stupid mistake that day, and there was no taking it back.
I sniffled as more tears forced their way from my eyes, my heart caving in with the reminder of how badly I’d messed up. None of it mattered anymore, though. I had Lucas, and he was safe. He treated me well most of the time and was kind to my family. Sex wasn’t bad between us, but not mind-blowing either, but I could live with that.
I’d just go to school tomorrow with my mask perfectly in place. I wouldn’t let Ash see how much I was bothered, or how my heart still slammed against my chest at seeing him again. I could only live with guilt for so long, and for so long, I’d let it consume me. Not anymore, though. What’s done is done. I deserved to have a life, too.
Sighing, I walked over to the mirror propped against my wall and wiped the remnants of my tears away, taking some mascara with it. After a few more attempts, the only sign that I’d been in emotional distress were my glassy eyes and red nose. But there wasn’t much I could do about that.
Striding over to my bedside table, I opened the top drawer and pulled out the Folgers coffee container, popping the lid off a breath later. A heap of money sat at the bottom—money I’d saved in case of emergency. For groceries, bills, if a tire blew. I didn’t make a lot from working at the diner, so sometimes we were late on bills, and our landlord was strict. He was in his late twenties, but had a stick wedged so far up his ass, I was surprised he could even breathe.
I grabbed a twenty, put the money back where I found it and made my way into the hall, through the kitchen, and outside again. The sun beat down on me, warming my skin as I moved back to my car, slipping into the driver’s seat.
There was a heavy weight on my shoulders making the air surrounding me too thin. My life wasn’t perfect, but at least there were moments I could pretend, before Ashton showed back up and dismantled everything. My hands tightened around the steering wheel, my gaze snagging in the stick and poke tattoo in the web between my thumb and forefinger. A heart with an arrow through it. A + E within the body of it. Jameson had given me the tattoo back in high school when we thought we’d be together forever. It was a painful reminder of what we had. He even gave Ashton one, in the exact same spot, but I didn’t even think to look for it when I saw him earlier.
Tate’s words sliced through my thoughts, reminding me that I wasn’t alone. “Are we going to go, or what?”
I swallowed thickly, forcing the seatbelt across my chest before putting the vehicle in reverse. My head was a mess as I pulled out onto the main road.
I loved my siblings, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have the gigantic burden of having to care for them. It wasn’t my place. But because I was the oldest, it somehow fell on my shoulders. I’ve always been careful, making sure to use condoms every time due to not being on birth control anymore. It had messed with my hormones too much. Sometimes I just wanted to be a normal college student, only having to worry about keeping my grades up and partying with the rest of my classmates. Even when I needed time to myself, it was impossible because I had to be there for them.
My tongue swiped along my chapped lips as I veered off at an intersection. Briley watched me silently, respecting that I didn’t want to talk about it, especially not in front of the kids.
It didn’t take long to reach the ice cream shop. I parked the car up front and twisted around in my seat to look at my youngest siblings. “You can both get a single scoop of ice cream,” I explained. “Any flavor you want, but no peanuts.” I shot Emma a sharp look. She was deathly allergic to peanuts, but the girl still chased after them like she had nine lives. She pouted, folding her arms across her chest. “I expect both of you to be on your best behavior. Can you do that for me?”
“Don’t look at me,” Tate murmured. “Em’s the problem child.”
She swiveled around to look at him. “I am not!”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, the pent-up emotions that I’ve had building inside of me all day threatened to explode, but I reeled them back in, knowing they didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t their fault. We were all dealt a shit hand.
“Let’s just go.”
I opened the car door, stepping out onto the pavement. The building was average in size, but since it was the best ice cream shop in town, it was often packed. Today was no exception as I took in the parking lot filled with cars. The windows adorning the front of the building were tinted, making it impossible to peer inside unless you pressed your face up against it, and that was just awkward since someone could be sitting right on the other side.
I rounded the car, opening my youngest sister’s door before taking her small hand in mine. She allowed me to pull her onto the pavement, her braids still intact to my surprise. Closing the door behind her, I ran my hands down her dress to smooth it out before we all made our way to the entrance.
The cool breeze of the air conditioning skated down my skin, eliciting a chill in the process. I glanced around, noticing all of the families occupying a lot of the booths along the wall. Just as I was about to look away and head to the front counter, familiar faces caught my attention, making my heart stutter in my chest.
Kash Rivera and Jameson Decker.
They were at one of the booths along the far wall, seated side by side. Their gazes pinned on me. I’d thought they’d moved, or skipped college altogether, but they were here. I haven’t seen them since I was seventeen years old—the year everything went to shit.
Did they know what happened? Did they know what I did?
When Jameson’s eyes narrowed into slits, those answers were confirmed. They knew, and they hated me.
A tug on my arm had me forcing my attention away from them and back to my baby sister. She peered up at me with big, brown eyes. I shot her a small smile, doing my best to hide my discomfort for her sake.
They weren’t going to ruin this for me, or for them. I strolled up to the counter and chose birthday cake ice cream in a cup before stepping aside to let them choose, making sure no one got nuts.
Once they were finished ordering, we moved back to the side so we weren’t in the way, and waited.
“Is that Kash and Jamie?” Briley whispered, glancing at the two boys. “They look…different.”
I didn’t stare long enough to pick apart their appearances, but I’d known it was them immediately. Kash still had the same blonde hair, but it had grown out a bit more and Jameson had dark hair that was shorter than I remembered. Their faces looked more mature, but aside from those obvious differences, I didn’t notice anything else, and I wasn’t about to look again.
“They’ve gotten even hotter,” Briley continued, obviously not noticing my discomfort, but why would she, though? She didn’t know what went down with me and Ashton—just that we broke up.
“They’re okay.” I shrugged.
She bristled as if my not falling at their feet to worship the ground they walked on was completely absurd. “Okay?” she repeated. “Are you fucking blind? They’re way hotter than your boyfriend.”
My gaze snapped to hers, rage licking through my veins at the mere mention of Lucas. “I like him just fine. Looks aren’t everything, Bry. You’re being shallow as fuck. There will always be someone hotter.”
She rolled her eyes, dismissing my comment completely like it didn’t offend her in the slightest. When we got our ice cream, we made our way to the only opened booth left, which just so happened to be in the back corner, only a booth away from theirs.
I took a seat on the outside with Emma near the window. Tate and Briley took the opposite side, and I hated that I now had a decent view of the two boys that were still staring at me like I was the worst person in the world.
And maybe I was.
Taking my spoon, I dipped it into the cup of ice cream before inserting it into my mouth. The flavors danced along my tongue, making me fight a groan of appreciation. I didn’t get to have sugar often. We could rarely afford to splurge like this, but it was worth it to see the smiles on their faces.
“This is so good,” Tate praised, flashing me a grin. Chocolate ice cream coated his lower lip as he worked to suck it off.
I let out a laugh, reaching for the napkin dispenser and offered him one which he accepted gratefully.
“Well, who do we have here?” a familiar voice called out. I jerked my gaze to the two boys now standing at our table, resentment etched into two pairs of eyes.
My heart hammered against my chest at the callous look in their gazes. Steeling my spine, I worked to school my features, though it wasn’t without some effort. “What do you want?” I demanded just as coldly.
Kash’s lips curled into a malicious smirk, but it was Jameson who spoke. “Don’t be like that, Evie. We just want to talk.” He flashed me a mock innocent look that I wasn’t buying.
Briley glanced from me to the guys, confusion evident on her face, but she chose to stay silent.
“I’m with my family. So, if you could just crawl back into the hole you sprouted from, that would be great.”
Jameson stepped forward, placing his hands on the side of our table and leaned down. “That might be a bit of a problem. Seeing as how the hole I sprouted from is dead.”
I winced at that reminder, suddenly feeling like even more of an asshole. When we were all friends, Jameson confided in me. He would show up to school with bruises, raggedy hair, and the scent of weed or cigarette smoke clinging to his clothing. He never had it easy growing up and at the time, my heart went out to him. He’d become one of my closest friends, and seeing him now, staring at me with so much hatred, had my heart dropping into my stomach all over again. Kash chose to put more distance between us while I was dating Ashton, treating me as more of an acquaintance than anything. Probably out of respect for Ash, but we had our moments, too.
Expelling a breath from my lungs, I continued. “I don’t want any trouble. I have kids with me.” I motioned to Emma beside me, hoping they’d be respectful enough to leave it at that.
Jameson straightened his posture, his expression becoming an unreadable mask. “Then I suggest you get to moving,” he growled. His tone had become darker, raspier, and now that they were standing here, I noticed the differences Briley had spoken of.
Jameson sported a darker tan, the sides of his brown hair buzzed, leaving the top longer so it still swept across his forehead. He was taller with more muscle definition. Kash on the other hand, now had tattoos covering his arms, but not as many as Ash from what I could tell. A piercing clung to his lower lip, giving him an edgy look. It was a vast difference from the preppy look he’d sported in school.
“I’m their ride,” I continued.
“Briley can drive, can’t she?” Kash chimed in, shooting a wink in her direction that had her face turning all kinds of red.
I glanced at my sister, hesitation filling me from the inside out.
Jameson snorted, like this entire thing amused him. “Relax, Evie. We’ll have you back in twenty minutes tops. If you cooperate.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, realizing there was no other choice. Not when my family was here. Had they not been, I would have just told them to go to hell. But I cared about their innocence, about them having a childhood. So, I stood, leaving my ice cream abandoned on the table.
They both flashed me unhinged looks that had my skin crawling. Kash was the first to move, leading the way toward the exit.
Jameson hung back, snaking an arm around my waist like we were some kind of couple. But I was too frozen to move, my mind spinning with all the different scenarios this could go.
When we reached a large Dodge Ram with tinted out windows at the back of the parking lot, my throat constricted. Jameson moved behind me, his hands moving around my waist and tugging me flush against him.
“You know,” he whispered as Kash rounded the truck and opened the driver’s side door. “I always thought you were hot as fuck.”
“I’m Ashton’s ex, remember?” I shot back, trying to wriggle my way free.
He hummed in response. But I knew this was all some kind of twisted game. My friendship with Jameson had always bordered on dangerous. There had always been a connection there, one I was too afraid to delve into during our younger years. It hurt that he was treating me like some basic whore he could just screw with without any consequences.
As if to confirm my point, he shoved me, making me stumble. A gasp fell from my lips, and I caught myself on the smooth polish of the exterior. I hoped Briley wasn’t watching from inside, but knowing her, she probably was.
“Get in skank. We’re going for a ride.”
Straightening my posture, I turned to face him. Kash was already in the truck, the music blaring from within.
“I thought you said you wanted to talk,” I objected. “Just, please let me go. I don’t want any trouble. I’ll talk to you if you want, but don’t make me leave.”
“And what’ll you do if I let you go?” he smirked. “What will you give me in return?”
My breathing was erratic as I glanced around the busy parking lot, but all the cars seemed empty. No one could help me, not that they would, even if they could.
Swallowing, I turned to look at him again. “What do you want?”
His smirk widened into a sadistic grin that had chills careening down my spine. This was so unlike the version of him that I knew—the version of him who would watch horror movies with me and throw flour on me when we baked. The version who would chase me around the yard with a water hose and throw worms at me, laughing when I squealed. Especially when one fell down my shirt. He’d become my closest confidant. Not in the way it usually was when guys befriended their friend’s girlfriend and that was their only attachment. Jameson had truly been a friend to me.
“You can gag on my dick,” he offered. “Or you can ride it.”
I reeled back, the air expelling from my lungs as if he’d punched me. “I have a boyfriend,” I pointed out.
He snorted in response. “Like that’s ever stopped you.”
A mixture of hurt and rage pummeled through me, and before I even knew what was happening, my fist was flying in his direction, connecting with the side of his jaw. His head snapped sideways with the contact, but adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and I couldn’t even find it in me to regret it.
“Fuck you, you piece of fucking shit,” I seethed.
I moved to sidestep him, but Ashton had come out of nowhere, his car idling a few spots over. Was he in on this sick shit? Of course he was. He probably told them exactly what to say to rile me up. Hatred consumed me whole as I glared at the boy I once loved with my entire being.
“I’ve had enough of seeing your goddamn face for one day,” I snapped. All the pent-up rage I had was bulldozing to the surface, even if they weren’t the cause for all of it.
I shoulder-checked Ashton on my way through the parking lot, and to my surprise, he let me go. My body was vibrating with rage as I stepped back into the ice cream shop, sliding back into my spot across from Briley. Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, but I shook my head, letting her know that now wasn’t the time to dissect it.
One thing was certain though. Jameson was no longer my friend. Maybe he never was. It could have been all in my head, but that was difficult to believe. Not with all the things he’s shared with me. How he trusted me more with his emotions than his own friends, climbing through my window to cry in my arms after his father beat him and blamed him for his mother’s death.
I loved him like he was family. Cared for him, and never told anyone of the things he told me out of respect for him. Apparently, that didn’t mean shit in the grand scheme of things.
Tears blurred my vision as I stared out the window. Kash was now out of the truck again, Ashton raging about something before slapping his hand against the back of Jameson’s head. I couldn’t even find it in me to smile about it.
The way Jamie had spoken to me was so hollow and cold. Like what we had never happened. I knew he blamed me for breaking Ash’s heart, but I thought our friendship was stronger than that.
Evidently not.