Mateo
Chapter forty-one
One listener.
Ten listeners.
One hundred nine.
The number keeps ticking. Keeps rising.
It's been a week since I recorded my first podcast. And it's taken me the entire week to edit it. Nobody told me it'd be such a bitch. Not that I did any research aside from what equipment I needed.
Ten thousand seven.
Holy fuck.
It took me a while to figure out what to talk about, but once I did, it flowed. It was natural.
The number of listeners continues to climb.
I close my laptop and shut off my phone. Obsession or hyper-fixation? I'm not sure, but either way it's not healthy. My stomach grumbles, guess it's a good time for lunch.
Music blares from Addie's room on my way past. She's still not talking to me. A few words here and there, but I can't get her to listen. She sticks her fingers in her ears and walks away like a child.
I was hoping that my trip to Baltimore was enough space, that when I came back, she'd be herself again. If anything, it made it worse. As if seeing me reignited the fury all over again.
She's hurt, I get it. But fuck, man. I'm hurting too. I've never been in love, and now I love someone who isn't here.
If I was lonely before, I don't know what the hell this is called.
The deli ham still smells okay, so I make myself a sandwich and sit at the island. Without my phone, I'm lost in my head daydreaming of a different life. One where I let myself live and love at the same time. A life where I have my own family. Kids.
A life where perhaps I told Addie up front.
Speaking of, her footsteps patter down the stairs. Yes, patter. I take a bite of my sandwich and wait for her to ignore me. Seems to be what she does best these days. Kinda wish I had my phone now.
Addie gets a plate out of the cabinet and assembles herself a sandwich without looking at me. Then she slides onto the stool next to me and takes a bite. It's the most uncomfortable silence I've ever found myself in. But I take another bite to stop from making it worse.
"Hashing it Out with Hayes," she says as if she's in on a secret. "Ya know big bro, you really are full of surprises."
I swallow my bite, and wash it down with water, but remain silent.
"You're buying a house," she says.
I nod.
"Show me."
"Really?" I ask.
Her body shifts, and when I turn to look at her, her eyes are wet with tears.
"Ads," I start but stop when her jaw tightens.
"Just show me fuckface."
"My phone's upstairs," I say. "But it's in Granger. Right on the other side of the line, so about twenty or so minutes from here."
She unlocks her own phone and opens the browser before handing it to me.
"Show me," she says through gritted teeth.
What's that saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth? What the fuck does that even mean, anyway? It doesn't matter though, because this is the most my younger sister has spoken to me in almost a month.
"It's not much," I say as I find the listing. "Three bedrooms, only one bathroom."
She takes her phone from my outstretched hand.
"You could afford any home in the county, probably the state, and this is the one you picked?" she asks, lifting a brow.
"It feels like home."
"That's what you said in your podcast."
"You listened?"
"I'd have to hear about it from Kevin, if I didn't," she says.
"Fucking Kevin," I say, and she laughs. She fucking laughs.
And then tears stream down her face. I'm not equipped to handle this. There's no manual for it. No coach.
"Why does it feel like home?" she asks, leaning on the table and propping her head in her hand to stare at me.
I shrug because I don't know. It's the same question I've asked myself for the last two weeks, and I still don't know. The house is small and outdated. It needs a lot of work, but I'm looking forward to making it mine.
She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and opening them again. "Do you want me to tell you?"
Confusion must read all over my face because she shakes her head in annoyance.
"It feels like home because you see them in that house," she says.
"What?"
"Jade would never live in a house like this one." She gestures around. "Or any of the houses in your fucking tax bracket. She'd hate every room in it. But this one?" She holds up her phone, the picture of my house still on the screen. "This one is her."
It's my turn for a deep breath. It makes perfect sense, and I don't know how I didn't realize it before now.
"It has a fucking pool," I say with a chuckle.
Addie lifts a brow, and I shake my head.
"You love her," she says.
It's not a question, but I nod anyway.
"Does she know?"
"I haven't told her, if that's what you're asking."
Addie stands from her stool, throwing her hands in the air. "Why?"
"She wasn't ready to hear it," I say, confused by Addie's sudden outburst. Her brows furrow, and I continue. "Jade can't be told anything until she's made up her own mind. If I told her, she'd have shut down. I stepped on the brakes so she could catch up."
"Well, the entire world just heard it," she says. "You may not have come straight out and said it, but it's there." She grabs a glass out of the cabinet and fills it with water from the fridge. "Why didn't you guys just tell me?"
"And exactly how do you imagine that conversation would've gone?" I ask, standing up to clean up the lunch mess. "Hey Ads, I think your best friend could be my future wife?"
The glass falls from her hand, shattering into pieces on the tile floor.
"Fuck," she says. "Get me a broom."
I get the broom out of the closet, but see she's barefoot, so rather than handing it to her, I sweep around her.
"Maybe I knew," she says in a hushed voice. "Like instinctively. The more I dwell on it, the more it makes sense. Why else would I insist you hire her?"
I grab Mom's slippers from the hall and hand them to her.
"Thanks," she says. "You know this whole situation is fucked, right?"
"Well aware."
She's quiet for several moments as she gets another glass of water and drains it.
"You should've told me," she says, leaning back on the counter and crossing her arms. Her resemblance to Mom is uncanny when she does that. "I think that's what hurts the most. It's not that you were seeing each other, it's that you did it in secret. She told me it was just sex, but it wasn't."
"I think for her it may have started out that way," I say.
"For her? What about you?"
"Honestly?"
She nods.
"I wanted to meet her from the moment I met Coop." She opens her mouth to speak, but I raise a hand to stop her. "But then I met her, and she was this force. Not at dinner, it was before. Did you know I have a butterfly tattoo on my ass cheek?"
She lifts a brow.
"It's the first thing Jade saw. She'd come in to use the bathroom, and I was on my way to put a shirt on for dinner, but my phone pulled my shorts down. Her reaction caught me off guard, but in a way that made me want more. Like I wanted to push all her buttons just to see what she'd do."
"You craved her vibrancy," Addie says.
"Yeah, and Ads, I tried. I tried so hard, please believe me. I told myself it couldn't happen. Because of you, because of our ages. Hell, because our lives are so fucking opposite, but it was too late. I'd already begun to fall."
"And now?"
"I'm loving her in circles, stuck on a fucking round-about and can't get off because every exit is blocked."
She twists her lips and spreads her arms wide. "Consider this one open."