Chapter 25 Ansel
ANSEL
I can barely see the laptop screen through my tears. It doesn’t stop me from typing. My heart might be breaking, but I can’t pause. I can’t grieve. I can’t do anything aside from this.
I keep going against the cramping in my hands. Against the exhaustion pushing at my eyelids. I ignore my screaming muscles and the passing of time outside the window.
I think about nothing except the lines of code on the screen, the endless pages erupting from the printer beside me, and the address I looked up on the dark web last night to know where to take it.
I can’t focus on anything other than this. Not when it’s the only thing that might save Cade, that’ll give him a fighting chance against the Umbra Syndicate.
Leaving Cade in that alley and the dilapidated train station wasn’t something I wanted to do. My soul screamed at me to tell him the truth. To let him help me fix this.
But every time I felt myself weaken, the red light would appear. The reminder that someone was watching. That someone is always watching.
It’s why I didn’t tell Cade the truth. It’s why I refused to go with Wylder when he asked. Why I haven’t told Neo anything aside from the bare minimum.
And it’s why I haven’t moved from my computer since Cade left in Wylder’s car.
Endless empty energy drink cans litter the space around me, with the odd protein shake mixed in.
I’ve drunk whatever Neo has shoved in my direction, ignoring all of his questions, only speaking to him to check he’s doing as I’ve asked.
He is. He’s furious and frustrated with me, but he won’t let me down. Not like that.
At first, I searched for a way out of this that didn’t involve betraying Cade. That didn’t lead to anything that wouldn’t come back to hurt those he loved.
With the clock ticking down and no answer presenting itself, it left me with only one option.
The one I’m doing now.
It’s not enough to earn his forgiveness. Not after what I said. The only thing I could think of that might make Cade pause.
“Just like your father.”
Cade is nothing like that man. That I made him think so for even a split second makes me glad of what Umbra might do to me.
I deserve it for hurting him.
My mind flashes back to the state Neo found me in after that.
I stumble through my front door for the first time in weeks. I don’t know if anything has changed. My eyes are so swollen from crying that they are barely open.
I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck about anything other than keeping Cade safe.
Fuck, I hate that he didn’t just let me leave. I didn’t want to hurt him. To say those awful, toxic things to him.
Especially not after he told me he loved me.
I’ve never been loved before. Not like that, anyway. It’s just my luck that the first person I give my heart to gives his in return.
Only for me to shatter it in front of him.
I didn’t want to. God, I didn’t. I wanted to kiss him. To tell him I felt the same. To thank him for trusting me with his heart. To vow I’d cherish and protect it always.
But I couldn’t. Not with them watching.
I can’t do what I need to inside the Buckingham mansion, not knowing if it’s been compromised. And I can’t let any of them know what is happening, not until I have safeguards in place.
For that, I need Neo.
I pace the tiny apartment until I hear his key in the door. The space feels smaller than it once did. It holds none of the comfort I’ve grown used to at Cade’s and Wylder’s houses.
Doesn’t matter. It could be the Taj Mahal, and I’d still hate it because the one thing I need is missing.
Cade.
Fuck, how I wish things were different. He’d know what to do, of that I’m certain.
There’s only one way to get hold of him that I know the Umbra Syndicate won’t be monitoring. But I can’t risk going there until everything is in place.
By then, it’ll likely be too late for me. Not for Cade and everyone else, though. That’s what’s most important.
I haven’t known much happiness in this life, but the love I’ve shared with Cade—even for such a short time—makes up for everything I’ve lacked.
If this ends in my death, at least I’ll know I’ve loved with all that I am.
And that I was loved in return.
It’s enough. It has to be.
A key turns in the lock. Finally, Neo is home.
He freezes on the threshold of the living room. “Ansel? What’s wrong?”
I try and answer him, but all that escapes is a strangled sob. Neo drops the bag he’s holding to race across the room. He catches me just as my knees give way, lowering me to the floor. “Ansel, what is it? Talk to me.”
I can’t. The words won’t come. Instead, I sob against his shoulder, my hands clinging to his shirt. It’s all wrong. The chest isn’t wide enough. The scent is different. This isn’t the person I want to be holding me. It isn’t the person I need.
But Neo’s all I have now. He’s all I’ve ever had, really. I was a fool to think the world would let me keep someone as perfect as Cade.
Neo’s arms hold me tight, rocking like you would a small child. He’s shushing me, his hand stroking along my back.
When my sobs have subsided to small whimpers, he finally speaks. “Is it Cade?”
I nod against his shoulder.
Neo tenses. “What did the fucker do? Oh, I knew this would end badly. I’ll kill him. I swear to fucking god, Ansel, I’m going to chop his balls off and feed them to him.”
An almost hysterical laugh slips from me. “You hate violence, remember?”
“I’d do it for you,” he vows. “I might throw up after, but I’d do it.”
I pull back wearily, falling onto my ass. “He didn’t do anything.”
Neo wrinkles his nose. “I’d believe that if you weren’t a fucking wreck.”
“It’s true,” I say miserably. “This is all my fault.”
“Bullshit.”
I give him a watery smile. “You have to say that.”
“Course I do, you’re my ride or die. You could’ve hit him with your car, and I’d ask what he did to deserve it.”
“It’s worse than that.” A few more tears slip down my cheeks. They’re almost raw from how much I’ve been crying. “I broke his heart, Neo.”
Neo holds me as I dissolve once again. Until my sobs fade to hiccups. Until I’m able to breathe properly again.
Well, I say properly, but the band around my chest that appeared when I saw the messages is still there. It’s just as tight, stopping me from taking a full inhalation.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to again.
“What happened?” Neo asks. “Why’d you do it?”
“Because I had to,” I say simply. “And I can’t tell you anything more, Neo. Please don’t ask me.”
“Okay.” I hear the reluctance, but I’m relieved when he doesn’t push it. “What can I do to help?”
I’m about to tell him nothing. That this situation is of my own making. That I’m not taking anyone else down with me.
But then it occurs to me that there is something he can do. Something that might give The Firm a fighting chance.
I don’t risk saying it aloud. Who knows how safe this place is? I just have to hope that they haven’t been able to break through the encryption on our laptops.
Instead, I pull over a notepad and scrawl out exactly what I need.
Several emotions flicker over Neo’s face. Confusion. Shock. Disbelief. Understanding.
Then, finally, fear.
He opens his mouth to ask questions, but I quickly cover it with my hand. “Sauerkraut.”
His face is grim as I remove my hand. “Really?”
“Really,” I repeat. “Can you do this for me, Neo?”
He bites his lip before nodding slowly. “For you, of course.”
We haven’t discussed it since. I went straight to my computer, trying desperately not to think of Cade. The hurt in his eyes. How he begged and pleaded with me.
The cruel words I said out of desperation to get him to leave.
It was another hole in my heart. A rending of my soul that I know can never be fixed.
Maybe it’s better this way. I can’t see myself surviving this situation. It’s better for Cade to think it’s over.
Maybe then he won’t grieve me.
I hit the enter button and a screen pops up. File after file is displayed.
I sit, stunned.
Holy shit.
I’ve done it. I’ve found it. The nail in the coffin I’ve been searching for.
I print it hastily before wiping my hard drive. Not that I give a fuck if they trace it back to me. They’re going to come after me anyway when I don’t hand over what they’ve asked for.
I’m giving over evidence, but not on The Firm. And definitely not to the Umbra Syndicate.
I check the clock. Fuck. There’s less than an hour until the deadline expires. I’ve cut it close, but it’s okay. I’ve done it, and that’s what counts.
Soft snores are coming from where Neo has fallen asleep on his laptop. My heart aches as I brush a strand of hair from his face. It’s easier that he’s asleep. He won’t be able to argue with me or try to stop me from doing what I have to.
Still, I can’t help but wish I could’ve had this final goodbye with him.
It’s already happened with Cade. He doesn’t know that yet, but he will.
I hope he doesn’t hate me too much when he realizes. I hope Neo doesn’t either.
Taking the letter I wrote while he slept last night, I set it next to his hand. There’s nothing about this situation or what I’m about to do in there. Even with me gone, I don’t want to put Neo at risk.
The less he knows about this, the better.
The Firm, however, is a different story. They have resources that Neo doesn’t.
I hope they use them along with what I’ve gathered to bring the syndicate to their knees. Nobody deserves it more than they do.
I add the evidence I’ve gathered to my messenger bag. Left on my desk is a plain white envelope. My messy handwriting is smudged across the front, a single word written.
Titan.
My hand hangs above it, suspended in indecision. Is it better for him to know the truth? Or is it better for him to think I’m just an asshole who broke his heart for no good reason?
I can’t do it. I can’t go letting him think I don’t want him. That hurts more than the thought of what’s going to come next.
I pick up the envelope before I can question myself.
Then I’m out the door, not letting myself look back. I close it quietly, determined not to disturb Neo.
By the time he wakes, this will all be over.
I hope he can forgive me, too.
The darkness that greets me as I step outside is welcome. Fitting, almost. Hopefully it’ll hide me long enough to make my delivery.
Not that it’s hiding me from everyone. The instant my car pulls away from the curb, I see a van pull off in my rearview.
I don’t let it panic me. This particular van has been sitting outside our place since a few minutes after Wylder took Cade away. They have to be related. It has to be the guards Wylder placed to protect me.
I did toy with the idea of just sitting in my apartment while the deadline passed, of letting whoever Cade had tasked with guarding me attempt to stop what is coming.
But that didn’t feel right. Still doesn’t.
This is my mess. I won’t have anyone else being hurt or killed because of me.
Hopefully, once The Firm has the evidence on the passenger seat beside me, they’ll be able to stop the syndicate from hurting anyone ever again.
The guards don’t make any attempt to stop me, so I just keep driving.
Numbness sets in as I pull up outside the graveyard. I think back to Cade bringing me here and almost laugh. I should’ve realized earlier what this place was. The significance of it.
I step outside of the car and shiver in the cool night air. Fuck, how I wish Cade were with me now. He’d give me his coat before tucking me under his arm.
He always looked after me. It meant so much.
I wish I’d told him that when I had time. I wish I’d thanked him. I wish I’d told him every day how special he is. How funny, kind, and a little fucked up. The best kind of fucked up though, because I’m fucked up too.
And his fucked up matches mine perfectly.
Most of all, I wish I’d told him that I love him. It’s been such a short time, but I know that I do.
At least I can fix that with the letter in my bag.
The van pulls up behind my vehicle, but I don’t hear them getting out. They’re probably reporting to Cade on my whereabouts.
I exhale slowly. It’s okay. He’s too far away to get dragged into this now.
Even if it hadn’t taken me this long to gather what I needed, I would’ve waited until this close to the deadline. I didn’t go through all this heartache to protect Cade only to have him get caught in the crosshairs at the last minute.
Aware of the looming deadline, I scurry over to the eastern wall of the church. I count the bricks once. Twice. Three times.
When I’m sure I have the right one, I pull it out. A few tugs has the packet I’ve prepared placed inside, the letter to Cade on top of it.
The final piece of paper I add is my request. Three simple words.
Make them pay.
The brick goes back into place.
There. It’s done.
The weight I expected to lift doesn’t. If anything, it’s heavier now, driving me down into the earth beneath my feet.
Fitting, really. After tonight, I’ll be joining the denizens down there. I wonder briefly if I’ll be buried here. I’d like that, I think. This church is part of The Firm.
Part of the Buckinghams.
Part of Cade.
It’d be nice to be close to him in the afterlife.
The closest I’ll likely ever be again.
I don’t pause. My pace increases as I draw closer to the edge of the graveyard. I have no idea how or when the axe will fall, only that it will.
I need to be far from the guards when it does.
I glance at my car before dismissing it. There’s no point. It’ll be easier to lose the guards on foot. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky. Perhaps the plan I mentioned in the letter to Cade will come to fruition.
It’s stupid, really, to hope I might escape this. That I’ll make it out of this city and to freedom.
They’ll catch me long before that.
I beeline for the bus station. If I can jump on a departing bus, I might be able to flee.
Doors open behind me. Footsteps follow at a leisurely pace. I know they’re keeping me in their sights.
Over the road, I spot my salvation. I cross against the traffic. What’s one more law to break at this point? The cops would be doing me a favor if they arrested me right now.
On the other side, I nudge through a group of frat boys who are out on the town. As I break free, I dart into an alleyway, flattening myself against the wall. I hold my breath as my gaze finds the guards. They’re looking up and down the block, shaking their heads as they look for me.
Relief washes over me. One hurdle overcome.
Just then, my watch vibrates against my wrist to let me know the deadline is here.
A hand wraps tightly around my bicep. Pain shoots up and down my arm as the bones creak under the grip. “Trying to run, Ansel?”
That’s all I hear.
Then the world turns black.