Chapter 11
Eleven
Killien
Owen and Abby run back inside to sing and dance with their friends as a song they all seem to love starts playing, but I stay on the balcony.
Why? I don’t even know, honestly. My only excuse is the cigarette between my fingers, although I could smoke inside.
The music is loud enough to keep my ears protected from whatever is happening in Jacob’s bedroom, but I still can’t force myself to join the group.
I think I managed to seem interested in Owen—and I am. I do like him. I guess I’m just too confused by the whole Damien thing. He still hasn’t come out of the room, and neither has Jacob. It’s been more than an hour. I know, because I can’t stop checking the damn time on my phone.
I’m such a fool.
I turn around and lean on the balcony’s iron fence, watching over the parking lot of the apartment complex again.
The night is quiet and peaceful, besides the music and singing voices coming from inside.
There’s a cool breeze too, adequate for the winter in a city such as Phoenix.
It used to be my favorite time of the year, both because Damien’s birthday is in January and because I hated the heat.
Now, I don’t care so much. Vampires don’t struggle to adjust to temperatures, we don’t feel particularly hot or cold, and we don’t sweat in the burning Arizona heat.
That might be my favorite perk of immortality.
My brain tries to convince me to send Damien a text.
It’s about the fourteenth time that damn thought crosses my mind.
But what the hell would I even say? Ask if he’s okay?
Send a meme? Ask him to stop sucking Jacob’s dick and get his ass out here so we can go home?
Tell him I want to be in that bed with him, instead of Jacob?
My stomach turns and my heart races the more I let my mind wander. I can’t make sense of my own thoughts.
I’m seriously fucked-up.
The knot in my throat tightens as tears gather in the corners of my eyes.
I should be happy for Damien, seriously.
It’s the first time that he’s with someone who seems .
. . stable. Maybe even normal. Normal for a vampire, at least. He’s good, and gentle, and has his shit together.
None of Damien’s recent boyfriends did. They were terrible, not even kind to him.
Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he could take care of him.
He doesn’t need you anymore, Killien. Deal with it.
It physically hurts to have that thought.
I huff out a laugh and cry at the same time. What a mess. I’m making a spectacle of myself, isolated from the other vampires because I have issues with my younger brother having a life of his own. It’s pathetic, really.
“What are you doing out here alone?” The sound of Jacob’s voice makes me stop breathing altogether. I quickly wipe away my tears and take a puff of the cigarette.
Jacob rests his hands on the black iron fence beside me, looking around as if there was something interesting to notice on the cream-colored stucco on the walls.
He smells intensely of his musk-and-leather perfume, but there’s a sweet undertone to it.
Sweet like vampire blood and sweat. Sweat that seems to exist only to spread our scent around when we’re aroused, or nervous, or trying to seduce prey.
I cringe at the notion of what it means.
“Just smoking,” I say, after breathing out a cloud of ugly smoke. At least my voice isn’t broken. I think I can fake being okay.
“You getting along with the gang?” He turns to look at me with his gentle dark brown eyes, leaning on his left elbow. The smile on his face makes my stomach turn in rage. He looks completely satisfied. By what he just did with Damien, of course.
“Yeah, they’re cool.” I fake a smile.
“Owen is kinda into you, I think.” Jacob laughs. “He won’t stop staring.”
I avoid his gaze and bring the cigarette to my lips again. What am I supposed to say? Probably that I like him too, but my body refuses to speak the words. All I can think of is the image of Damien spread out in Jacob’s bed, and the things that were likely done to him.
“Are you alright, Killien?” Jacob’s gaze burns on my face as he stares. I brush it off with a shrug.
Fuck. No, I’m seriously not.
“You can talk to me, you know?” he insists, and I finally look back at him. “I won’t tell Damien, if it’s something you’d rather keep from him. He doesn’t need to know everything.”
With much struggle, I force a few words past the knot in my throat. “I don’t really know what my problem is. I just feel . . . off.” It’s not a complete lie, so I don’t feel guilty for saying it.
“It’s understandable.” Jacob nods and extends his hand, requesting the cigarette. I pass it on to him, although I don’t really want to share right now.
There’s still a part of me that wants some kind of intimacy with him. Maybe it’s the thirst for his blood. I want to taste it again; it was too good not to want more. And the closer I get to him, the more confused I feel. Is it him or Damien I want? Both? Owen too?
“Is there anything you’d like to talk about?
Regarding the other night, I mean—” Jacob’s tone seems serious.
All I do is shrug as I watch him take a puff of the cigarette and exhale the smoke.
His dark hair isn’t tied on a bun as usual.
Instead, it flows freely on the soft breeze’s command until he pushes it behind his ear.
The roses and thorns inked on his hands somehow make them seem more delicate than they are.
He’s too good-looking. I have nothing on him.
There’s a short silence before he continues. “If you feel weird because of what happened, I’d like to know it.”
I huff out a nervous laugh. “Well, I did act a bit out of my comfort zone . . .”
“Yeah, that’s to be expected. It didn’t change my impression of you at all, though.” He hands the cigarette back to me, and I stare at it for a few seconds. “You don’t have to apologize, or feel conflicted about it, honestly. I knew it could happen. It’s in our nature.”
There’s nothing I want to say, so I concentrate on smoking and watching the red lights of the cars going by on the nearest street. I try hard not to think that the cigarette has just been between his lips, which were probably wrapped around Damien’s dick not long ago.
I don’t have to go there, for fuck’s sake.
“I would like to explain myself, if you’d let me,” Jacob says, his gaze lost in the stars above.
“Uh—yeah, sure.” I have no clue what he wants to explain, but I’d rather listen to him talk than be lost in the downward spiral of my own thoughts.
He sighs and turns his attention back to me.
“Look, I could have just fed my blood to Damien. That would have been easier for all of us, I suppose. But I feel just as responsible for you as I do for him. Since Ledger took off, I’m the only one who can teach you things.
And when I look at you, Killien, I can’t help but see myself. ”
“What?” I speak before I can process the question in my head.
Is he trying to tell me that he regrets feeding me? What’s the point of this conversation?
“You both should have been fed vampire blood since the moment you were turned,” Jacob continues, not bothered by my tone.
“Besides making you stronger, it cements the connection with your maker—or feeding partner. It’s an important part of our world, learning to trust others on such a deep level, and how to make yourself worthy of someone else’s trust too.
Navigating our relationships is complicated and it can only be learnt by practice, because feeding from each other often leads to a kind of intimacy that humans don’t know or understand. ”
“I guessed that, yeah.” Why am I getting impatient with him? Still, the gentle look in his eyes stays the same and it annoys the shit out of me. I wanna punch him to see if he shows another emotion.
Jacob sighs and takes the cigarette from my fingers again.
“When I was turned, my maker fed me her blood every single day, sometimes more than once.” He takes the last puff of the cigarette, then throws it on the parking lot below in a slightly angry manner.
“I became strong pretty quickly, and everything was fine until she got tired of me. In just three months, she had chosen a new guy and turned him.”
For the first time since I met Jacob, I feel his voice almost break as he speaks. There’s a lot of unresolved sadness in his words, and it strangely mirrors mine. I want to hold him, but I don’t. It would be weird, wouldn’t it?
The urge to comfort him remains, anyway. Am I no longer angry? My feelings are swinging like a damn wrecking ball about to destroy my psyche.
“She refused to feed me from then on.” He laughs darkly. “I had to watch them drink from each other while I was forced to feed from humans. The withdrawal was horrible too. Since human blood can’t give you the same kind of energy and strength, I became weak, both physically and mentally.”
Jacob stops talking for a while, his lips pressed in a thin line. He huffs, as if he’s trying to control his anger. I can’t help but stare at him. I wasn’t expecting to get this kind of information. I never thought that his story could be even more fucked-up than mine and Damien’s.
Our experience with Ledger wasn’t that bad; he just taught us to hunt and do other things for him.
Sure, he made us criminals, but we were never emotionally involved, or abused.
The fact that he didn’t want to feed us vampire blood seems almost irrelevant at this point, and it’s impossible to guess why he did it.
He was the weirdest person I’d ever met, honestly.
“It might have been a mistake, but I couldn’t possibly do the same to you.
” Jacob’s eyes meet mine, and they glisten with tears he’s trying to force back.
“You need to get stronger, Killien. The world out there is ruthless. Even if it’s hard, I’ll keep feeding you if it’s necessary.
And I promise, I won’t let you do anything you’ll regret. ”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
My emotions flare up, and I’m suddenly crying silently.
Why the fuck am I crying? Who knows? I certainly don’t.
Maybe I was moved by his story. Maybe I really want something with him and it hurts to feel rejected, like he only wants to feed me out of pity.
Maybe I just see myself for what I am right now—an annoying third wheel. It doesn’t matter.
“Well—I’m not going to force you to do it, though,” he says.
“I—I appreciate it,” I stutter.
Fuck! How could Damien not fall for this man? He’s perfect.
I’m never getting my brother back.
I freeze, tears sliding down my cheeks silently. What was that last thought? I don’t know how to react to my own bullshit. Maybe I should just leave. Damien will be fine without me. It’s not like he needs me to take care of him anymore.
“I think I should go,” I say, panic crawling up my spine like a dark monster with sharp claws.
Jacob wipes away his tears and stares at me, as if I’ve just taken him by surprise. “I’ll wake Damien up—”
“No.” I laugh, and it sounds a lot more bitter than I wanted it to. “I guess he’d rather stay with you, anyway.”
“Okay . . . are you sure?”
“He doesn’t need me anymore, Jacob. He has you now.”
I should’t have said that! Fuck!
Before he can even attempt to respond, I turn on my heels and storm through the crowded apartment.
All eyes are on me, filling me with a kind of shame and anxiety I’m not used to.
I make it my mission not to cross gazes with anyone as I reach for the door and slam it behind me.
Jacob is calling for me while I run down the metal stairs that creak underneath my feet, but I ignore him.
Fuck all of this.
Fuck Jacob and Damien.
And fuck me too, for being so ridiculous.
I’m panicking and raging at the same time, pressure building on the back of my head. I can barely keep my breathing stable as I shove the door of our Jeep Grand Cherokee open and climb in.
Jacob runs down the stairs, his eyes fixed on me as I turn on the engine and put the car in drive.
I don’t want to be rude to him, but I can’t stay.
I can’t listen to him anymore. I can’t look at his handsome face and not want to destroy it with my own hands.
I’m stuck between wanting him for myself, and wanting him dead for stealing my brother.
Something has gotten into me, and it’s not friendly. I drive away as fast as I can, staring through the rearview mirror at Jacob’s frozen figure.