Chapter 15
Fifteen
Killien
The weight of what I did feels too heavy on my shoulders.
It drags me down into a dark pit of my thoughts, and threatens to spiral out of control.
Every time I look at Damien, I remember my encounter with Caleb and get chills.
It was a mistake, and a terrible one, because now I want my brother even more than I did before.
He’s magnetic, and the way he’s been acting since he woke me up screaming doesn’t help.
He pushed Jacob away and sided with me, which I wasn’t expecting.
It’s true that Damien and I have always been close, and we’ve always stuck up for each other.
We’ve been inseparable since before I can remember.
But now that he seems so into his new boyfriend, I thought he’d slowly drift away from me.
That’s not at all what he’s doing, though.
“Why did you snap, Killi? I need to understand,” he says, curled up in his bed. We should be sleeping by now, but it seems like he’s just as disturbed as I am.
“It doesn’t matter . . .” I sigh. How do I convince him to stop asking? I don’t want to talk badly of his boyfriend. Although it was him who made me feel like I was no longer needed.
Damien turns to face my bed on the opposite side of the room. Even in the darkness, his blue eyes are easy to distinguish, staring at me and glistening with worry.
Now I have to feel guilty for that too. Fucking great.
“Did Owen do something to you?” he asks, and I flinch.
Owen has nothing to do with the crap I got myself into.
It would have been much better to have sex with him, honestly.
At least he wouldn’t have reminded me of Damien.
And now I wouldn’t be fantasizing about climbing into his bed and sucking his dick until he comes in my mouth over and over again and begs me to stop.
Shit, I’m knee-deep into this mess.
“No, this is all on me. Just let it go, please?” My words sound too desperate, and the worst thing that could possibly happen . . . happens.
Damien jumps out of his bed and quickly crosses the room.
His soft, naked steps on the hardwood floors remind me of when we were just kids.
When he’d sneak from his bed into mine, so that I could shelter him from the loud arguments our parents had all the time.
And that’s exactly what he does now; he crawls into my bed.
Oh, no . . . Holy shit.
I stop breathing as he gets under the covers and curls into a ball next to me, nuzzling his face in my neck.
It’s been years since he’s done this. We were both children when it started, and it was a completely innocent thing.
It was normal to wrap my arms around his tiny body and let him sleep where he felt safe.
Even when we were much older and we’d already run away from home, he’d done this when he’d felt really upset. And I never thought anything of it.
This time, however, is different. I can’t stop my skin from erupting into goosebumps, and my heart from beating hard against my ribcage.
I can’t stop the rush of blood towards my groin either, which is probably the worst part.
Damien’s breath is hot against my skin, and he smells heavenly.
His scent reminds me a lot of honey and mint.
Fucking Jacob chose his nickname pretty well . . .
I try to move away, but the wall behind my back makes it impossible. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by what is happening, as if he’s still the same innocent child. Because it doesn’t turn him on like it does to me.
Why does that hurt? Do I want him to be uncomfortable too? Do I really want him to be as fucked-up as I am?
“Please, talk to me, Killi . . .” Damien whispers. His voice is so soft that it makes me shiver. I beg that he doesn’t notice my dick getting harder with each passing second. “Don’t drift away from me. I need you.”
My heart twists painfully at his words. Am I drifting away?
I thought he was, with the whole Jacob thing.
But I can’t deny that I’ve been acting weird too.
At least since I started having these thoughts about him, that are way too inappropriate.
I wish they would just disappear, but they only seem to get louder and louder, fueled by each breath I take of his scent.
I have to say something that will distract him from what’s actually happening, before he realizes it. He’s not stupid; it won’t take long for him to figure it out. But what do I say? Blame Jacob? That seems like the only way out right now.
“It’s just—” The knot in my throat makes me choke on my own words. “I had a conversation with Jacob that made me feel like I wasn’t needed anymore.”
It isn’t a lie, is it? He doesn’t need to know the rest, but saying that much will probably satisfy him for now.
“Jacob?” Damien looks up at me, frowning. Thankfully, he buries his face in my neck again after a second, because the urge to kiss him is too intense. “What did he say? Maybe I should break up with the fucker.”
Yes! I mean—no.
Yes, I do want you to break up with him.
Although I shouldn’t.
“He cares about you—” Saying those words makes me nauseous. “But he did make me feel like I don’t belong anymore, like I’m a burden or something.”
“Bullshit!” Damien hisses into my neck, his hot breath tickling my skin and making my dick very happy. “Fuck him, Killi. You’ll never be a burden to me. If anyone is out of place, it’s him. Maybe he thinks himself more important than he is.”
“Well, you heard what he said earlier tonight too . . .” I sigh, still bitter about the way he said I’d be the one to drag Damien down. The motherfucker doesn’t know the amount of times I had to save my brother from himself.
“Yeah—” Damien huffs out an ironic laugh. “That’s exactly why I put him in his place. I won’t let him get between us, Killi. You’re everything to me. It’s us against the world, remember?”
Fuck.
Fuck!
Not those words . . .
How many times have we said that to each other? Maybe hundreds, I wouldn’t know. I started it at some point when we were kids. He was always so sad, and when I had to start defending him from the bullies, I comforted him with that phrase. And I meant it, of course.
But it’s not just that, no. I’m overwhelmed by a very vivid memory, a moment in time when those same words meant everything to me: my seventeenth birthday. My heart beats even faster than it did that day. And I feel so much, so intensely.
The smell of the forest and cigarette smoke combined, the crackling of the fire and the constant stream of the creek close to our tent. The image of his innocent smile when I asked if he’d consider running away with me. It washes over me, all of it painted by a different light now.
The memory of my hand ruffling his curls that day on the camping grounds brings a phantom sensation to my fingers. Right after he’d said those exact same words to me, when I’d needed them the most.
But I shouldn’t be taking it the way I am. I can’t twist and turn the past to fit my preferred narrative. Damien doesn’t mean it like I want him to. I’m just really fucked-up. And yet, I plant a soft kiss on top of his head, like I did so many times throughout the years. I just can’t stop myself.
Damien giggles and wraps an arm around my waist. I bite the inside of my cheeks to keep the noises I want to make from escaping me.
His touch feels so good, I’m terrified of what I might do.
It’s a million times more intense than what happened with Caleb earlier.
The real thing is . . . just extraordinary.
I take a deep breath of his scent, feeling my eyes start to burn and threaten to light up.
“Killi?” Damien whispers into my neck, making my heart skip a beat. He sounds so innocent, so soft and fragile when he calls me that.
“Y-yes?”
“I love you, more than anything.”
Oh, God—Please, don’t say that!
I’m shaking, and he must be feeling it. And yet, he doesn’t move.
He stays right there, with an arm wrapped around me and his face so close to my neck that his eyelashes tickle my skin.
I stop breathing, I think. My dick is hard as granite, and I have to push my hips back against the wall, trying not to touch his legs accidentally.
This is torture, and I don’t know if I can hold myself together much longer.
“I love you too, Damien,” I whisper. My eyes fill up with tears, but I don’t let them roll down my cheeks.
Needless to say, it takes me a very long time to fall asleep.
I actually think I won’t be able to, given the painful erection and the amount of tension and guilt that clouds my brain.
But after Damien falls asleep in my arms, I find myself calming down.
I feel comfortable with his steady deep breaths, the warmth of his skin, and his arm holding me even tighter once he drifts out of consciousness. Just like he’s always done.
At some point, I come to realize that the only place I feel truly safe is in Damien’s arms. And that thought alone warms my heart up and makes me forget that I’m not supposed to be having these kinds of feelings.
Damien is my home. My safe place. My purpose. He’s the only thing that truly matters, and being so close to him feels like absolute perfection. I take a deep breath of his honey-like scent and bury my face in his soft curls, allowing the heat of his body against mine to lull me to sleep.
It’s us against the world. Always.