Chapter 19
Nineteen
Killien
Aweek seems to fly by as I juggle the web of lies I’ve tied myself into.
I’m not good at this. I wasn’t made to be a liar.
That’s something Damien has always excelled at, but not me.
My brother is a master manipulator—I’ve seen him do it so many times.
Making up excuses and deceiving his lovers has always been one of his talents.
It used to annoy the shit out of me when we were younger. Now, I wish I’d learnt more from him.
This is the first time I have the need to lie, anyway.
Through thick and thin, I’ve always been honest with Damien.
Hiding stuff wasn’t a part of my life until I decided to start sleeping with Caleb.
The funniest thing is . . . I don’t regret it.
It might make me feel guilty as hell, but it also helps me regulate my unwanted feelings for Damien.
Unwanted? Are they really unwanted?
I shake my head and huff, strengthening my grip on the steering wheel. Damien is giving me the side-eye, a frown on his cute little face when our gazes meet. He sits beside me as we drive to Jacob’s for another weekend gathering. Hopefully, this time I won’t make a fool of myself and run away.
“Got the chills, Killi?” he asks softly, shoving his phone into his pocket and turning on the passenger seat to stare at me. My heart skips a beat each time he calls me that, and I fucking hate it.
No, I love it. Who am I kidding?
I shrug and smile at him as he tries to read my face. He’s growing suspicious of my text messages. At least, I got a real one from Owen a few days ago. I no longer have to be terrified that someone will tell Damien that I’ve never talked to him.
“Is Owen pressuring you into something?” Damien narrows his eyes, as if he’s finally caught up with my anxiety.
“No—God, no.” I laugh. Sometimes, I can’t help but think that he’s actually jealous. It can’t be, though. It’s just my fucked-up mind playing tricks on me.
“I’ll rip his fucking throat out if he dares, Killien. I’m serious.” The way his voice trembles scares me. He seems to be getting more violent with each passing day, though I have no idea why. There’s a growing darkness inside him, and I don’t know where it’s coming from.
“It’s okay, seriously.” I reach out to squeeze his knee, which instantly softens his expression. “I know how to set boundaries, Damien. No one is forcing me to do anything.”
My brother huffs out an ironic laugh. “I smell something fishy about him, Killi. Be careful, please.”
“What do you mean?” I stop at a traffic light and turn my attention to him. Where is he getting that from? Jacob? I don’t see anything wrong with Owen.
“I don’t know—” He rolls his eyes and sighs.
“Jacob said he’s the newest addition to the group, before us.
He came to Phoenix just nine months ago, and he was running from something, apparently.
Or someone. No one knows for sure, though.
And he doesn’t like to talk about his past, or himself.
I get a feeling that nobody really trusts him. ”
“Well . . .” I look back at the street again, my hand still resting on his knee, and I really don’t want to pull it back. At this point, I’ll take every little contact with him I can get. “Kinda sounds like us, if you ask me.”
Damien’s eyes narrow at me with indignation. “We don’t have anything to hide, and we were not running because we did something wrong, Killien. We were the ones wronged by our parents! And we’d been living in this city like two years before Ledger even came into our lives, anyway.”
“I know, I know.” I can see him glaring at me at the corner of my vision. “Let’s keep our eyes peeled, okay? If you see something suspicious, let me know.”
There’s no fighting with Damien. Although I don’t understand what his problem is, I know he’s become good at reading people and picking up red flags. He used to be terrible at that, especially when he started dating older men to get stuff from them. I guess we can only learn from our own mistakes.
His soft hand rests on top of mine and squeezes it. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep a sigh from escaping my lips. I know it’s an innocent gesture, one that isn’t new at all, actually. He’s been doing that for years, when he thinks I’m stressed or that I need to feel his support.
However, the things I’m doing with Caleb keep feeding my fantasies, and every soft touch from the real Damien makes my body go wild. It’s becoming harder and harder to resist the urge to do things I shouldn’t.
“I’m just worried about you, Killi. You mean the world to me, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” He rests his back against the seat and turns to face the car window, but keeps his hand on mine.
I swallow hard, feeling my heart react to his words as it beats faster and faster. When he says things like that, I just want to press my lips against his. What would that feel like? Probably a million times better than kissing Caleb. My mouth waters just at the thought of it.
Unfortunately, Damien stays quiet for the rest of the ride. By the time we park in front of Jacob’s apartment, I’m a mess. He won’t let go of my hand, and my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. The urge to slide my fingers between his is so strong that my hand shakes a little bit.
“Killi?” Damien’s eyes are on me now, all innocent and soft. I want to eat him whole, like he’s some sort of precious candy.
I force a smile. “Yeah?”
“Promise me he won’t get between us.” His words are so serious that they catch me completely off guard.
My smile widens, all genuine this time around. “Damien—” I kill the engine of the car and assess his serious expression. Part of me wants to believe that he’s truly jealous, that he feels exactly like I do. But I can’t give in to that idea.
“Say it, Killien.” The severe tone he uses sends a shiver down my spine, and unlocks a new fantasy in my head. I like it when he demands things from me like that.
I’m really, seriously, fucked-up.
“No one can get between us.” I laugh. “It’s us against the world, remember?”
Fuck, I’m high on this possessive attitude of his.
And saying those particular words has my heart fluttering in my chest. I’m so close to caving in and jumping on him.
His lips look particularly tempting today.
I wanna kiss and bite them hard, until they’re all swollen and red. I want to draw blood from them.
“I’ll remember those words . . .” His expression doesn’t change, but his mouth twitches slightly. What I said probably did something to him too. It has to.
He watches me almost break down in hysterical laughter from how hard I’m trying to keep my shit together, taking me in, struggling to read me. Without another word, Damien lets go of my hand and steps out of the car. I’m left to catch my breath as I feel my sanity slipping away.
Maybe I should take off and go to Caleb instead. But Damien is staring at me from the bottom of the metal stairs that lead to Jacob’s apartment with a raised eyebrow. He looks angry, with his arms crossed over his chest, and those deep blue eyes locked on my face.
Why does it turn me on so much when he’s pissed? Fuck!
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a few deep breaths before getting off the car.
I can’t break again tonight. I won’t let it happen.
I swallow my feelings and focus. If things get bad and I don’t connect with Owen, I’ll go to Caleb.
It’s simple. I don ’t have to freak out and spiral out of control.
I’ll be fine.