Chapter Sixteen
Hayden
I’m The Sinner
Jared Benjamin
My forehead rests against hers while we both catch our breath, the room quiet except for the sound of uneven breathing and the distant muted bass line drifting through the floor from upstairs.
Vanessa’s fingers move lazily through my hair.
They drag through slow and absent-mindedly, but intimate enough to crack something open in my chest. I lift my head just enough to look at her.
Her lips are swollen from kissing me. Her copper hair spills across the dark sheets beneath her.
And her entire body looks soft and boneless from what we just did together.
The fact that I get to touch her again still doesn’t feel entirely real. A quiet laugh slips from her unexpectedly, her fingertips tracing down the side of my face.
“What?” My brow furrowing.
“You’re staring.”
“I missed you.” The words leave before I can stop them. Too honest. Too raw.
Vanessa’s expression shifts to something softer as her hand stills against my jaw. “I missed you too.”
God. I close my eyes briefly because hearing her actually say it almost hurts. When I look at her again, her mouth curves slightly as one brow arches. “So?”
“So what?”
“Am I better now than ten years ago?” Her cheeks flush the lightest color of pink.
A rough laugh escapes me, my head dropping toward her shoulder. “That feels like a dangerous question.”
“And yet I asked it anyway.”
I drag my gaze back to hers. “It’s not even close.”
The teasing light in her expression fades at the honesty in my voice.
“Back then,” I shake my head once. “We were obsessed with each other. This feels different.”
“How?” She slides a hand over my chest, her chin resting against the back of it as she props herself up to look at up at me.
I study her for a second before answering. “Back then wanting you felt closer to obsession.” My fingertips trace along the curve of her hip beneath the sheets. “Now it feels like we both chose this. Chose to share this together.”
Silence settles heavily between us again. Not awkward. Just honest. Vanessa exhales softly, her gaze drifting toward the ceiling before returning to me. “This should probably terrify me more than it does.”
“It terrifies me.” I admit, surprising myself.
That earns me a small smile, and it causes the mood to shift into something more real and serious.
I roll onto my side beside her, one arm tucking beneath my head while the other stays draped loosely across her waist. Vanessa traces idle circles against my chest for a long moment before speaking again.
“Okay.”
I glance toward her. “Okay?”
“If we’re going to try to do this, then we need to actually talk about it.”
There it is. The thing underneath everything else. The real reason we failed. My jaw tightens enough that my teeth grit together for a brief moment. “You mean the part where I apparently lose my mind when another man touches you?”
“That’s not actually the problem.”
I look toward her fully then. Vanessa shifts beside me, sheets gathered against her chest now, her expression calm but careful. “You know what the worst part is?”
“What?”
“I love this side of you in bed.”
The blunt honesty of it hits harder than expected.
Vanessa watches me carefully as she continues.
“I love how controlling you are here. The confidence, the dominance and the intensity of it all.” A faint flush rises along her skin, but she doesn’t look away.
“No one else ever made me feel the way you do in bed.”
Something dark and possessive twists low in my chest at the thought of her with anyone else. Of course, she notices that too.
“That look right there.” She points toward my face. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“I’m listening.”
“Are you?” The question lands brutally hard. But maybe for the first time in my life, I actually am.
Vanessa studies me for another second before continuing. “After you,” she releases a soft exhale, “other relationships felt empty sexually. Casual sex felt even worse.” Her fingers trail lower across my stomach. “Nobody understood that part of me the way you did.”
Something close to pride flickers through me before I force it down. Barely.
“That’s what led me to Gild.”
The words settle strangely in the room. Because now I understand. Not fully. Not completely, but enough that some of the pieces click together for me. “You came here looking for that?”
“I came here looking for a place where surrender had boundaries, but control wasn’t taken from me.”
Jesus. That one sentence alone nearly levels me. Vanessa shifts a bit closer, her expression softer now. “At Gild, everything I want or desire is negotiated. I can hand over control there because I know exactly where it starts and where it stops.”
And suddenly I know exactly where this conversation is going. My chest tightens anyway.
“You didn’t know where to stop.” What’s she telling me isn’t meant to be cruel.
It’s meant to be honest, but because I know it’s true, it makes what she’s saying that much worse.
“When we were younger,” Her gaze darts away for a moment, “you needed to know where I was every moment of every day; who I was with, when I got home, what I was doing.”
“I was trying to protect you.”
“I know.” Her response is immediate and gentle, and somehow that hurts more than if she’d yelled. “I know why you did it, Hayden.”
Emily. The name hangs silent between us even though neither of us says it out loud.
Vanessa’s fingertips brush lightly along my wrist. “I never doubted that you loved me.”
The confession steals the air from my lungs.
“But after a while,” her voice softens further, “I felt like I was in a prison.”
I stare at the ceiling for a long moment because I honestly don’t know how to answer that. Because the worst part is, I know she’s right.
“I couldn’t breathe sometimes,” she admits, her voice soft. “But I loved you so much that I stayed longer than I should have.”
The shame that moves through me is sharp enough to feel physical.
Vanessa notices at once. Of course she does. Her hand glides up my jaw, turning my face back toward hers.
“I never needed you to stop protecting me.” My throat tightens as her eyes lock onto mine with a quiet intensity. “I just needed room to still be myself.”
There it is. The entire truth of us laid bare between tangled sheets and whiskey and ten years of unfinished love. And for once, I don’t bother to argue against it, because I finally admit that it’s true.
For a long moment neither of us speaks. The room feels quieter now. Because somehow, we’ve managed to be honest in a way we never could be ten years ago. Vanessa’s hand still rests against my face, her thumb brushing over my jaw like she already knows I’m somewhere deep inside my own head.
I’m trying to untangle everything she just handed me. And the worst part is, none of it feels unfair. That’s what really settles like lead in my chest. Because it’s not anger. It’s recognition.
“I didn’t know how to separate it.” The confession leaves me rougher than intended.
Vanessa stays still beside me, knowing I’m going to say more.
“I thought protecting you meant,” I exhale slowly, staring toward the ceiling again. “I needed to know where you were every minute so I could anticipate anything that could potentially hurt you.” Emily. Then, now, always, Emily.
“I know why you did it Hayden.”
Her words are soft. And God, the way those words land, knowing she understands, and knowing it’s still what forced her away, somehow makes it harder to hide behind anything.
“I used to wake up in the middle of the night convinced something bad had happened to you.”
Her fingers against my skin falter as she inhales a sharp breath.
“I’d call you three times if you were twenty minutes late because my brain would always go somewhere catastrophic.” A humorless laugh slips out. “And the insane part is that I genuinely thought that was what love was supposed to be.”
Vanessa shifts closer then, the sheets sliding against her bare skin as she presses herself against me.
“It was love.” I turn my head to look at her as she speaks, the smile on her face sad as she continues. “It just wasn’t healthy.”
There it is. The truth in it simple and brutal. I nod once because I don’t think I’ve ever heard it phrased more accurately than that.
“I don’t know how much of that part of me can go away.” Honesty for honesty. Vanessa deserves at least that much now. “It’s woven into who I am.” My gaze drifts away before finding hers again. “The instinct to protect people I love is never going to disappear.”
“I’m not asking you to stop caring.”
“I know.” And I do know that now. “That’s the difference I didn’t understand before.”
Vanessa studies me quietly for a moment, her expression unreadable in the low light before she finally asks, “Do you understand it now?”
The question lands in a way that impacts me more than she probably realizes, because the answer isn’t simple.
“I understand what you’re asking.” I pause for just a second, “And whether I’m capable of doing it perfectly is probably another conversation, but I do want to try.”
One corner of her mouth lifts a fraction. “Perfect isn’t exactly your brand anyway.”
A quiet laugh escapes me. Christ, I missed this too. Not just the sex. Not just the wanting. Her and the way she balances me without even trying.
“I promise to try, Vanessa.” The words settle between us with a quiet certainty.
“What I can’t promise is that I’ll suddenly become relaxed and emotionally well-adjusted overnight.
” My fingers slide slowly along her hip beneath the sheets as I let out a small chuckle. “You know me better than that.”
“I do.” A small laugh echoing my own.
“But I hear you.” And for maybe the first time in my life, I actually mean that fully.
Vanessa’s gaze softens then in a way that nearly undoes me all over again. Because there’s still fear there, but I see hope there too. Which honestly might be even scarier.
“You really hurt me back then.”
The admission drops quietly which makes it hit that much harder. “I know.” And I do. Now more than ever.
She watches me carefully after that, like she’s measuring the truth of every word leaving my mouth. And honestly, maybe she should.
“You’re still intense.” A smile tilting her beautiful mouth.
I snort out a soft huff. “That’s probably permanent.”
“I know.” Her fingertips brush through my hair again. “I don’t actually want you softer.”
That lands somewhere dangerous inside my chest. “What do you want?”
Vanessa holds my gaze for a long moment before answering. “I just need room to still exist beside you.”
Christ. There it is again. That understanding and the awful realization of how badly I loved her before and how badly I want to do it right this time.
I want to be better, and I know I’m capable of it.
I reach for her then, brushing a strand of auburn hair behind her ear before letting my hand settle against the side of her neck.
“I can try.” Not, I’ll never fail. Not, I’ll magically fix myself. Just the truth that I’ll try.
Vanessa searches my face for another long second before finally nodding once. “Okay.”
One word. But it’s soft and terrifying and somehow that tiny little word feels bigger than anything else that stood between us over the last ten years combined.
She shifts until her forehead rests lightly against mine again, our legs tangled beneath the sheets while the city hums faintly far above us. We don’t make any other promises. We’re just two people finally honest enough to admit they still want each other.
And God damn if that doesn’t scare the hell out of me.