Chapter 15 Even
Chapter fifteen
Even
You.
The word explodes in my brain with tenacious certainty, but my mouth won’t say it. No matter how much I wrestle with my tongue, it won’t speak. I stop fighting and frown. I love her. I do.
But maybe not enough.
I laugh ruefully, looking up with resignation.
“Defeating Perun.”
Jaga’s expression doesn’t change as she nods briskly. “So it works.”
“What, you’re not offended? I thought you wanted me to choose you above all else.”
She shrugs, flicking her fingers at a bench. It slides over to me with an unpleasant screech of wood on stone. I brace myself and sit heavily. Even my tail hangs limp, tingling in all the places that were broken.
“I am different, Woland. I want nothing from you.”
“Then why are you still here?”
She sighs, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead. I realize with a jolt, Jaga is tired. Exhausted. This is so different from her former apathy.
“Where else would I go?” she asks softly, sitting down at the table.
She pounds on it, and platters of food appear in front of her, but she doesn’t serve herself.
“My best plan was to go to Weles. Now here I am, and it solves nothing. I want Dar to grow up in a just, beautiful world where he won’t be exploited. So what do I do, Woland?”
I float a plate of meat into my lap, knowing I must eat yet loathing the chore. “Are you asking for my opinion? Is your brain damaged, love?”
A fleeting ghost of a smile passes over her lips. “You can’t lie. It’s worth exploring.”
I shrug, biting off a large piece of meat dripping with juices, and swallow it whole before I answer.
“You should give yourself to me, of course. We’ll end this war. I’ll remake the world and ensure Dar’s well-being for you.”
She hums under her breath, slowly shaking her head. “But what of other Dars, those you and I don’t care about? What of other Jagas, other Radas, other Bognas? Will you remake the world to let them thrive, too?”
I hesitate. “I don’t know. But no one will give you that guarantee.”
She shakes her head with despondence. “True. See? You’re so pleasant to speak with when you can’t lie. We should have done this long ago.”
“I wasn’t in your power long ago.”
She snorts with amusement, her mismatched eyes sly as they settle on my face. “And you are now? Be serious.”
I shrug and swallow the rest of my meat, making the grease vanish from my fingers. “Love, I am fucked without you, and that’s the goddamn truth. What’s worse, you’re no longer under my thrall. Consider everything I let you do to me today. I am desperate.”
“Very well. Let me try again, because I asked the wrong question. What should I do to end this war in a way that benefits me? How do I stay independent and give us peace?”
I think it through before I shake my head. “You can’t. The prophecy was clear. The god who owns you wins. Fate made a tool of you, and tools are only that. I’d say I’m sorry, but I can’t do that honestly. It’s better to accept the truth than wallow.”
“Ouch.” She smiles a small, private smile and pours herself wine from a crystal pitcher. “Well then. I shall bide my time until someone worthy of owning me turns up. It’s just as well. This is a lousy war. The stakes are so low when no one can die for good.”
“No one—but you.”
I murmur it softly, only realizing the truth of my statement after the words leave my mouth. Jaga shrugs, and I know immediately she’s already aware of that.
“Show me your soul,” I demand, standing. “I have to see what happened. Maybe I can fix it.”
She looks at me with cold insolence. “I have no idea what you’re raving about. Besides, I’m the one asking questions. Sit down.”
I shake my head, advancing on her. “No, Jaga. Don’t you understand? You died, and your soul was nowhere to be found. It vanished. You ceased to be. If you die for good, you’ll…”
“Sit. Down.”
She presses her hand to her pendant, and I choke, an invisible force squeezing my throat. I purse my lips and stop, folding my arms on my chest. For fuck’s sake, I don’t need air to live, and I’m used to discomfort. Compared to my previous torture, this is nothing.
Her furious eyes light up with more anger when I don’t obey her command. I can’t help it. My cock swells, because she looks so beautiful when she glares. It turns out I really like choking when she does it.
“Oh, you beast.”
The pressure disappears. I heave in a breath, gasping through my laughter when she huffs with annoyance.
“Keep doing that,” I taunt her. “You’ll use up all that magic in my blood, and I’ll be able to lie again. Maybe you won’t notice when it happens. It will be fun.”
Her lips purse, and she braces her hands on the table, making to stand.
“Wait.” I settle opposite her, pulling more food toward me. “I have a story to tell you. A rumor, really, but I’m convinced it’s true. It’s about your dearest Dar. About you, too.”
Jaga regards me with obvious mistrust, which is fucking hilarious right now. I cannot deceive her even if I want to. Or—wait, I could. Probably. When you twist the truth enough, it becomes a lie.
But that’s not what I’m trying to do here.
“Can I be Weles, love? I’m sorry, but I can’t help plotting how to outsmart your spell. Weles is more honorable. And you hate him less.”
“I hate him even more than you,” she hisses through gritted teeth. “He was my only hope, and he turned out to be the biggest lie of all. Try to be decent for once.”
“I am indecent by nature.” I grin, remembering how bashful that made her long ago. “You used to mind it—you found my nakedness embarrassing. Remember how I put clothes on to please you?”
“You did it to taunt me.” She looks away before our eyes have a chance to meet. “Fine. Change. I don’t care.”
“You need a spell to make you honest, too,” I murmur, leaning in over the table. “Little liar. Yes, you care, yes, you know there’s something wrong with your soul, and no, you don’t hate me. Not anymore. You’re afraid you’ll fall for me again.”
She flicks her hand toward where the torture wheel used to stand. The half-translucent shape of it reappears, making my guts twist with foreboding.
“Go back there. You haven’t learned your lesson.”
“No. I’m done with it and you should be, too. I let you do unspeakable things to me. My heart, Jaga? That is fucking sacred, and you defiled it. The way you touched me as Mokosz was disgusting. Do you think I don’t mind because I’m a man? How would you feel if I did that to you?”
Her expression turns stony, eyes cold.
“You told me I could do anything.”
“Yes, you! But not Mokosz!”
The bench topples as I stand, my chest heaving with sharp, painful breaths.
I stare at her with my teeth bared, and Jaga’s eyes widen, her lips parting in surprise.
I turn away, wrestling with my fury. It’s useless, though.
Now that she’s forced me to be honest, I have an unhealthy desire to let her know exactly how I feel.
“Do you know what I want to do now?” I ask, my voice sounding hoarse and strained.
“I want to fuck you a hundred times so the feel of your cunt washes away the memory of her. It doesn’t matter if it turned out to be you.
Fucking—Mokosz. That was dirty, love. You should kiss it better now.
I’ve never done a thing like that to you. ”
“You tried to rape my mind, made me kill children, chained me naked to the floor and let Mokosz take me and bury me for months,” she says softly, a world of suffering glittering in her eyes. “For the sake of peace, let’s be even.”
My wrath boils over. I want to scream that we’ll never be fucking even, that she went too far, that I loathe her. But just like before, my tongue rebels. A part of me must know I hurt her in despicable ways. She paid me back.
All things considered, it’s not too high a price.
“Fine.” My shoulders drop in surrender. “We’re even. So love me again.”
She doesn’t grace my pathetic demand even with a scoff. Her eyes are averted, face closed off, and for a moment, she’s the apathetic Jaga again. But then she sighs, shakes herself off, and looks up.
“What were you going to say about Dar and me?”
So it’s like that. I put the bench to rights with magic and sit down slowly, careful with my tail. It still feels tender. Should I be Weles, then? She gave her permission, but I don’t know this strange, new Jaga who fondles hearts and dresses like a goddess.
Being Weles would be easier. But also—less exciting. Jaga ignores him with no effort, just as I control my reactions to her with more ease when I’m him.
I’ll be Woland, then. I’ll win her over. Somehow.
“Dar is powerful, more powerful than he has any right to be. As are you. Now, let’s make it fun. Tell me: what do the two of you have in common?”
She takes a sip of wine, her eyes almost cool over the rim of her cup.
She can’t quite hide their blazing, though.
My spine tingles pleasantly, because this reminds me of so many moments in the past when I got to teach Jaga.
I told her secrets hidden from mortals and gods, and she never knew how precious, how rare that knowledge was.
Woland doesn’t teach, but Weles does. I suppose she brings out the best in my uglier half.
“We were supposed to die young but we lived.”
I smile, stealing her crystal cup. I can tell where she pressed her lips, and I lick the rim, looking into her eyes. She holds my gaze as her cheeks turn a shade darker.
“Are you flustered?” I ask with a grin. “Admit it or I won’t tell you the rest.”
But this Jaga won’t be cowed. She takes out her knife and rams the blade into the tabletop until it stands, vibrating.
“Stop playing games or I’ll nail your tail to your bedframe when you sleep.”
Oh, I can’t help it. Mischief is in my nature.
“Haven’t you learned? I come hard when you play with my tail. Or is that what you want? Filthy little witch.”