Chapter Fourteen #2
Cassie comes out of the clubhouse around an hour after I left, she steps onto the porch and stares up at the stars, rubbing her forehead like she has a headache. I don’t want to scare her but I’ve been leaning against the wall watching the comings and goings in the shadows.
It’s stupid but I’ve been waiting for her. I’m not sure she wants to see me. King is a lot, I’m only planning to offer a decompress, if she needs it. I’ll back off if she doesn’t.
She startles when I step forward and slaps a hand over her chest. “Jesus, Eli. What are you doing hiding in the dark? You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry,” I walk closer.
“Were you waiting for me?”
I shrug. “Thought you might want to talk.”
Her brow furrows, and she sweeps her hair over her shoulder. It takes her moment to gather her thoughts. “Can we get away from here, the smell of cigarettes is gross,” she walks down the steps, avoiding the overflowing ashtray.
It’s late and I’m conscious of her having to get back to Parsippany for work in the morning but she isn’t complaining. The silence isn’t as awkward as I thought it would be but there is still distance between us.
I let her lead and wait for her to break the silence.
It’s a surprise when she heads towards the garage.
The noise coming from the house may have something to do with that.
Following her lead I turn on a couple of lamps rather than the full overhead strip lights, they’d be too jarring at this time of night.
Cassie knows her way around here and wanders over to my station.
The Buick is covered, so it doesn’t get damaged but it’s a big car and it’s unusual to see something like this in here. Cassie moves around the hood, looking at it and lifts her head.
“What’s under here?”
“An old car I’m restoring for a customer.”
She stands back as I pull off the cover unveiling the car. “Wow,” she runs a hand over the hood and walks alongside the car, looking through the windows. “This is going to be a lot of work.”
“It’s kind of my thing.”
Cassie opens the door and leans in looking around the empty shell of the interior and I walk around behind her. Is she procrastinating or really interested?
“Cassie?”
“Hmm.” She straightens up and turns around.
“We can keep doing this where we’re tiptoeing around each other, or we can talk about what King wants us to do. Or if you want to go to the house and get some rest, that’s fine too. I’ll do whatever it is you want to do.”
She chews on her lip, letting out a heavy breath. “You’re right. King wants us to work together and what happened in the past between us shouldn’t factor into that.”
“We agree on that then. So do we close the door on it or get the talk out of the way.”
“What talk?”
“Come on, Cassie, you know what I mean.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“You left without saying a word and have avoided me ever since. If we’re working together, making sure we understand each other will make it easier on both of us.”
“What do you want me to say, Eli?”
“I don’t know, maybe why you left.”
“No one made any promises that night. It was something we both wanted at the time and it was one night.”
“Like you had with Mace?”
Fuck, that wasn’t supposed to come out. Her talking about our night like it was nothing hit too hard in the chest. Even if her silence has made it clear where she stands.
Why am I pushing this? And now I’ve dropped myself in a pile of shit that neither of us want to deal with.
Her expression has gone blank but there is a slight flush in her cheeks.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“How do you know about that?” Her voice is low, like she is trying not to lose it. “Did he tell you?”
“No,” I huff. “Mace and I don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“So how…” she dips her head and sighs. “Who told you?”
“I figured it out for myself.”
“How do you figure out something like that?” she snaps, getting angry now.
“What difference does it make?”
“Because it’s none of yours or anyone else’s business Eli. What I do and who I do it with doesn’t concern you.”
“I know that. Only too well.”
“Why are you being like this? Are you jealous?” she asks incredulously. “You have no right to be.”
“Well forgive me for giving a shit, Cassie.”
Her mouth opens and closes a few times. It’s not often she’s stumped, but I did it this time. I hate cursing in front of women. It’s not polite and although most of the men and women here swear like it’s a pastime, I’ve always tried to keep it to a minimum.
“I’m not the kind of guy who messes around with women. And I get it, it didn’t mean anything to you but I don’t sleep with everyone who throws themselves at me.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“No one said you did,” I push away from the counter and take a step closer to her.
If she had the option, I’m sure she’d step back, but the car is stopping her.
“What we did,” I move even closer and lower my face so it’s level with hers. “Wasn’t a throwaway fuck to me. You made it clear it was to you, and I’ve kept my distance. I’ve respected what you made plain by running away and not speaking to me again.”
She’s blinking fast, her chest is rising and falling faster as her breath gets harsher.
This woman is driving me fucking mad. I’ve kept this all locked up for so long and now I’m here, being forced to work with her and I’m not the kind of man who can let things fester.
It was alright when we were not in close proximity but working with her… I’ve got no chance of pretending.
“I guess I’m the fool for not being able to move past it the way you did.”
“We never said it was anything.”
“How many times are you going to say that?”
Thoughts of her with Mace are tearing my insides up.
I grip the top of the door beside her. Penning her in goes against every part of me.
Scaring women isn’t in my make up but she isn’t scared.
If the way her pulse is fluttering in her throat is anything to go by, the way she is watching me. It’s not fear in her eyes.
She’s confused, angry, and maybe there is something more there.
“Until you believe it.” Her voice is even quieter, less forceful and vehement than before.
Moving my head, I lower my lips to her ear. “Or you do.”
She stays deadly still when I pick up a lock of her hair and toy with it for a moment. Maybe remembering, like I am, how I pulled her hair when I was fucking her, how she’d moaned and begged me to be rougher with her. She’s affected by me, it’s written all over her face.
My dick is throbbing, something I haven’t felt for a long time swirls low in my stomach and the urge to thrust my hips towards her is so strong, I almost give in to it.
It would take one small movement, the merest shift for my lips to touch hers. I’ve dreamed about tasting her mouth again. And more. I’m a hairs breath away from doing it.
But she’s been with Mace. And that is something I can’t easily forget. I go to pull back but she grabs my cut to stop me. We’re not touching, anywhere other than her hand gripping the leather. The lust in her eyes is consuming me, feeding my own.
Common sense takes hold of me.
“Don’t do it unless you mean it,” I tell her, my voice harder than it needs to be. I’ve made my thoughts perfectly clear now. Another meaningless fuck isn’t what I want from her. “If it scares you, then go to someone who doesn’t care, Cassie. You’re not ready for me.”
The inference of that being Mace is all too clear. She lets go of the cut and pushes me back. “You might think that is what you want, Eli but you’ve got the wrong woman. I can’t be that way. I told you that night,” she adds in a whispered plea.
“You can be any way you want, Cassie,” I give in, a moment of weakness, and stroke the backs of my fingers over her cheek, her skin is soft and warm. Her eyes sweep shut for a moment. “You need to let yourself.”
“Why are you saying all of this,” Her eyes open, the wall reconstructing right before my eyes. “It was one night, you don’t care about me after one night, that makes no sense to me.”
I give her a sad smile. “It was more than that. What we did that night wasn’t just sex, Cassie. And if you can’t see that, it will never happen again. No matter how much we both want it to.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” she scoffs but there is a vulnerability to it, like she isn’t sure. Her pulse is beating even more rapidly now.
“Maybe I am,” I shrug, letting go of the car door and moving away, giving her space.
This could be the end of anything I hoped might happen. I’ve pretty much laid my shit at her feet. She may be right, one night isn’t life changing. We both felt something more. Expanding on that, letting it grow isn’t going to happen. At least I understand that now.
All my life I’ve craved a connection, wanted to have someone care enough, to know that I’m enough. Since I ran away, I’ve been alone, strangers never became friends, lovers were a scratch I itched. When I came here, that changed but there is still an emptiness inside of me. Something is missing.
What if I did project good sex into something deeper? The way she is trying not to make eye contact with me says I did.
“You should get some sleep. I’ll reach out to my old connections. If I find anything, I’ll call.”
I turn and walk away without another word, not even pausing to cover up the Buick. Which says a lot about how this is hitting me.
All I really want to do is be alone but for the first time in a long time, I don’t let that voice inside my head win out.
Casper isn’t behind the bar tonight, it’s one of the club girls and she licks her lips seductively when I ask her for a shot of vodka.
Some of the brothers come over to chat, giving me shit about being in here late, or asking me about the run with the Stroudsburg chapter.
When the girl from behind the bar comes over and starts chatting, the guys are even more rowdy. Spurred on by them, she leans into my side, her hand moving up my back so she can play with my hair. I don’t move her away but equally I don’t reciprocate.
Eventually she gets the picture and is distracted by someone else, who pulls her away and shoves his face into her cleavage making her laugh, but her eyes are on me as he pulls down her top and sucks a nipple into his mouth. It does nothing for me.
The only woman I want looking at me like that just told me, point blank, she can’t give me what I want. Or won’t. Until she lets down that wall. Disinterested in what my brothers get up to, I look away and ask the prospect who is now behind the bar for another shot of vodka.
When they pass me on their way to the annex where there are rooms for the girls, I turn away and down the shot.
After a while I notice King standing at the end of the bar, watching me. He doesn’t speak and doesn’t need to. Everything we need to say passes between us silently.
Something is going on that involves me and Cassie now.
I’m not going to be able to get away from it.
He nods and heads back down the hallway that leads to his office, and I pretend to pay attention to a conversation Wraith and Shady have started about bikes, all the while wondering if Cassie thinks I’m the biggest fucking idiot she’s ever met.