Chapter 19 #2
As we get off the bike, I notice the small lake. It’s really pretty. I set my helmet on the driver seat and watch Eli walk to the waters edge, his helmet dangling from two fingers at his thigh.
I’m fixated on his silhouette against the backdrop of the lowering sun. The tenseness in his shoulders and his total stillness. There is no sound here now that the bike is off. I take a couple of steps toward the bench which doesn’t look safe to sit on, unless I want splinters in my ass.
“Liz wouldn’t tell me anything.”
His voice is low, and I lift my head but he’s still facing the water. Something tells me to keep quiet. Like he needs the silence. It must have been too long and they don’t trust enough anymore.
With a huge intake and exhale of breath, Eli turns around, finding me away from the bike.
He takes a few steps closer. “I thought things might be tough, too many years have passed and this,” he taps the cut.
“They hated it when I decided to leave, especially with an MC. They don’t have the best of relationships with bikers. ”
“So why did you leave?” I ask. This isn’t the important question I should be asking, like what the fuck do we do now. Especially if Mace can’t do his part. This is about understanding that going back there has done something to him.
“I’d been there too long.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
His gaze goes distant as he stares at the floor, toeing some of the leaves to get through to the dirt on the ground.
“I got too used to being in one place, I thought because we moved around a lot that made a difference. Before that, I hadn’t stayed in the same place for longer than a few months.”
“But you came to the MC and never left.”
He blinks a few times before focusing on my face.
“Well, that was never meant to be long term either. Dirt promised me a job, never said anything about joining up. Being around those guys was different. I’d never seen anything like it before.
They were hard, like the carnies but there was something different about them.
“No one pressured me to join up, and they were happy with the work I was doing. I figured after a few months I’d move on. I’d never had my own motorbike before and riding it was freeing. I could get on it and go. When it came down to it, I realized I didn’t want to.”
Sadness engulfs him for a moment until he straightens up and pulls himself out of it.
“Didn’t want to what?” I move closer.
He shrugs.
“Don’t do that,” I’m right in front of him now. I’m being the biggest hypocrite on the planet but I can’t not know this.
“Why do you care, Cassie?”
That isn’t a loaded question at all. Pulling my shit together I stare straight at him. If I’m expecting something from him, I need to give something in return.
“I never said I didn’t care. I’m just… it’s hard for me.”
“You’re strong, Cassie.”
My throat hurts when I swallow, a huge ball of emotion is threatening and I can’t let that happen. “What didn’t you want to do?”
He nods, like he knew it would still be impossible to get anything from me. “Be alone.”
My heart almost breaks. Even surrounded by all of those people at the carnival, he felt alone?
“I thought that was where you grew up. You showed up there when you were seventeen.”
“Hopper has a big mouth.”
“Hopper cares about you. She’s nice.”
“Yeah, one of the good ones,” he looks away, like he’s recalling something bad.
“You may have only been there three years, but you made an impression, clearly,” I add, thinking about Teresa.
I’m glad she didn’t try to approach me, I was in no mood to fight anyone and that was what it would be. People like that don’t know how to resolve conflicts with words. Rationalizing with her wouldn’t have worked.
Eli grins with real feeling behind it. And that irritates me because I don’t want to think about him with someone else. And that is not something I want to admit to myself, let alone him.
“It wasn’t serious. We were kids.”
“You don’t need to explain it to me.”
“Admit it, sweetheart, you’re curious.”
He gets a halfhearted shove for that comment. There is no way in hell I’ll be admitting what seeing her made me feel.
“I certainly wasn’t expecting what happened there today. And I’m not just talking about your ex.”
“Hardly an ex. We messed around, hung out now and then, we never went anywhere outside of the carnival together.”
“She’s definitely held that torch too long.”
He laughs and scrubs his hand over his hair. “I needed a minute is all,” he indicates around us.
Maybe I’m not that approachable, open person he wants me to be but that night we shared, we did talk. I told him things I haven’t told anyone else before and even though he was holding back, he set me at ease, he got me to see beyond my issues and fears.
I want to do it for him now. The confusion I felt over how he acted with Mace is still swirling inside me. One minute he’s telling me he can’t be with me, the next…
“Where were you before? And don’t pretend to misunderstand what I’m asking.”
“Okay. Fine. I was one of those kids.”
“A runaway?”
His head bobs a couple of times, but he stops when I take a few steps closer.
“How long where you on your own?” My voice is intentionally quiet, he doesn’t want anyone to hear this even if we are alone.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart,” his grin is melancholic.
“I don’t feel sorry for you,” I refute the assumption. “You’ve made a lot of yourself Eli. I mean, look at you, look at what you’ve achieved, the things you’ve done.”
“Joined an outlaw MC and rebuild old cars?”
“Don’t downplay it. I’ll be the first person to moan about the MC but I’ll also fiercely defend it. Just like you would. And, if they made you feel less alone…”
“I thought you didn’t want to know anything about me.”
“This is different. You’ve always been honest with me, and everyone around you, but there is something you always held back.
I witnessed what going back there did to you.
You felt like it was something good, that relief in your shoulders when they accepted you.
Then it changed, when you came back that feeling was gone. ”
“How’d you see through me so well, for someone who says she doesn’t do deep and meaningful?”
Somehow we’ve moved closer together. My heart is thumping for a mixture of reasons. I’m scared, I’m intrigued, I’m worried about him and his words ring with the lie I’ve pushed. One I’ve sold myself so many times, I can’t see past it, or won’t.
“You’ve always seen through me, haven’t you?”
“You have to come to decisions on your own, Cassie.” He reaches up a hand and strokes his thumb under my eye and across my cheekbone as he studies me.
It’s hard not to close my eyes and tilt my head into his touch. His hands are warm from his leathers and he smells so good. There is something comforting about Eli and my resistance to him is starting to collapse around me.
“And maybe one day, I’ll tell you what happened to me. But not now.” He gives me a rueful smile and steps back. He clears his throat and pulls his gloves back on. “Liz didn’t tell me anything, but she did take my number and said she might call.”
It’s jarring how quickly he changed the subject and broke the moment. I guess I deserve it. He’s tried more than once to get through my walls. Now I’m on the receiving end, it doesn’t feel so great.
“That’s good, right?” I go with it.
“With the caveat I may never hear anything from them.”
“Of course she said that.”
“It was always a long shot. Maybe Mace has had better luck.”
He shows no sign of being affected mentioning his name. I do, it’s hard not to.
His lip twitches, knowing where my mind went. I should ask him about what the hell that whole situation was but I don’t want to put in his head that there was something wrong with it, or that I didn’t enjoy it. He wouldn’t have continued if he didn’t feel the same.
“Get your ass on the bike, Cassie. We’ll go see him. It’ll be fun to roll up without warning him we’re coming.”
“Eli,” I frown.
“Come on,” he reaches out a hand. “Night’s drawing in.”
Who the hell knows what he means by that but as I climb on the bike, a thrill runs through me that he’s voluntarily heading to Mace’s clubhouse. I don’t know what happened between us here but it wasn’t the same as before.
A crack has opened in my chest and a tiny piece of what he has been trying to offer has snuck through.