Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Dean
Ghost
Justin Bieber
We play our second night in Seattle and leave the same night.
No party this time. We’ve only got two days between this show and Salt Lake, and it’s over a fourteen-hour drive on the bus.
Probably longer with pit stops and traffic.
The highway between Seattle and Salt Lake might as well be a graveyard made of asphalt.
We pull out a little after 2 a.m., but only Hayden hits the bunks.
The sky’s a dark purple bruise clouding over us.
Rain chews at the edges of the windows. Mikey’s making TikToks or sexting or whatever he does when he’s suspiciously quiet.
Luc is behind us, on his bus, but Lily isn’t with him.
She flew home this morning to go home and gather Larkin.
She’s coming back to join us for the rest of the tour.
The circus just keeps growing.
And then there’s Sadie. She’s sitting at the table editing photos like she’s trying to distract herself from existing. Every time the bus hits a bump, her knee knocks into the table and she winces. I want to go over and turn her body so her knee doesn’t turn into one big, black bruise.
I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t even notice. But I do. All from my corner, my guitar long forgotten in my lap. I tell myself I’m not watching her. I’m watching the scenery. Only she just happens to be the scenery.
The bus slows, air brakes hissing loudly as we come to a full stop. I can see red and blue lights flashing through the slats in the blinds. I rise without even realizing it, my body drifting to the front of the bus, my lungs seizing when I look out the wide windshield.
There’s a large semi on its side. A sedan crumpled under the back of the truck’s trailer like a soda can. Firefighters pulling someone through broken glass. A girl with long blonde hair, streaked red with blood, body limp in their arms.
My heart goes nuclear, every inch of my skin prickling with heat.
I blink and I’m eighteen again, gripping a steering wheel so hard my palms bleed, my foot pressing through the floorboard of my car as I attempt to brake.
Watching the black Mustang in front of me spin into oncoming traffic.
Hearing the metal rip and her scream. Seeing her hair spread across the windshield like gold threads snapping.
“Hey, Dean.” Her gentle voice pulls me back, but not far enough. Not fast enough. “Dean?”
I grip the back of the driver’s seat so hard I feel my nails breaking through the leather. The air feels too thin. Too sharp. I need out.
Sadie is standing beside me, a hand reaching out toward me. “Hey, what’s happening? Are you—”
“Don’t,” I snap, slapping her hand away from me as I spin around. The word echoes in the bus like a slap.
She takes a step back, lowering her arms to her side, going still as she stares over at me, concern clearly etched in her furrowed brow.
Mikey stands up, eyes narrowed. Hayden is suddenly in the main cabin, a weary expression marring his normally calm exterior.
I don’t wait for questions. I yell at the driver to open the door, and then stumble out into the cold, wet air like it owes me my breath back. I brace my hands on my thighs. Inhale. Exhale. Try to slow the tremor in my spine.
Rain pelts like needles into my skin, grounding me in the present. The real present. The one where she’s gone, long gone, and nothing can hurt me worse than that already did. I blow out another breath, suck another one in.
Footsteps approach. No. Please God, no. She doesn’t need to know this about me.
“Dean?” Of course it’s Sadie. Her question is tentative, like her step, as she stops. She stands a few feet away, not touching, not crowding, just there. Her hair is damp from the mist. Her expression is soft, not one of pity, not one of fear. It’s concern.
“You okay?” she asks gently.
“Yes.” The lie is automatic, ugly, but it’s all I have in this moment to give her.
She nods once. “Okay. Then I’ll just… stand here. In case you need something.”
I don’t deserve that. I don’t know how to accept it either. The wail of a siren cuts through the air. My vision tunnels again, and I feel the world tilt on its axis, my arm slamming onto the side of the bus so I can keep my balance.
She takes one tiny step closer. Not enough to touch. Just enough to make sure I know she’s not leaving. And fuck me, it actually helps. Just a little. When I finally straighten, she looks up at me like she’s cataloging data points straight into my bloodstream.
“You didn’t have to come out here,” I mumble, resting my forehead against my outstretched arm, my heartbeat starting to slow a little.
“I know.”
“And you shouldn’t have.”
She shrugs. “Too late.”
I huff out something between a laugh and a choke. “You’re a pain in my ass.”
“I hear that a lot.” She shrugs.
For a second, just a second, the edge between us softens. Then I harden it right back. “Don’t read into this.”
“Trust me.” She folds her arms. “There’s nothing to read.”
I almost smile. Almost.
“You alright?” It’s Luc, his strong arm slinging a jacket over my shoulders as he leans down to look me in the eye.
I nod, blinking to keep the tears pooling at bay. I notice Sadie walk back onto the bus, giving me the privacy I need, knowing I’m in good hands now.
“I’m fine.” My voice warbles, betraying me.
“Why don’t you come back with me?” Luc motions to his bus, right behind ours. “Just me back there. Plenty of room for you to just be.”
“I’m alright, man.” I release the bus to stand straight, sliding both my arms into the jacket he brought me.
“I know,” he assures me, shoving both his hands into the front pocket of his jeans, just letting himself be, while standing strong next to me.
And Luc does know. Better than anyone. Cause he was in that car with me, feeling just as helpless as me to stop what happened right in front of us. Only the girl he loved wasn’t in the car in front of ours. Mine was.
I lift my face up to the rain and let it wash over me. It feels good. Cathartic in a way I can’t describe. Cold, fresh, alive. I heave out another long breath, then look over to meet Luc’s gaze.
“I’m okay,” I assure him.
“Come hang out with me.” He makes the request again. “I’m bored as hell without Lily and Larkin.”
“Is there baby shit everywhere?” I crinkle my nose. “Don’t want baby food getting on my guitar.”
“There’s no fucking baby food sloshing around the bus, asshole.” He chuckles, the mood growing lighter by the minute.
“Come on.” He slides his hands out of his pockets and grips one of my shoulders in a light squeeze before releasing it. “Grab a guitar and let’s jam a little.”
“Okay,” I relent. I haven’t spent much time with him the last few weeks, and it actually sounds good. He’s been busy trying to figure out the Lily thing, and I’ve been giving him the space to do it. Until this minute, I didn’t realize I’d been missing my best friend.
“I’ll grab my shit and be back in a sec,” I advise, starting to walk, but then stop, turning to him. “Thanks, Luc.”
“Didn’t do anything,” he grunts, scraping a hand through his now soaked locks, his eyes shifting to the accident over my shoulder and then back to me.
“You’re here,” I state, making it clear that’s all that matters.
“Always, Dean. Always.” He doesn’t say anything else. Doesn’t give me a chance to before he turns and strides back to his bus, banging on the side so the driver will open the door.
Some things bond two people in a way that can’t be explained, and what happened over ten years ago did that to us. And that was the thing with us, we didn’t need words.
I climb back on our bus, three sets of eyes looking anywhere but at me when I reach the top of the stairs. Mikey and Hayden know my past, so I don’t expect them to say anything, but her, her I’m not so sure about. She’s here for a scoop after all.
Bearing witness to this will surely provide her guts to a story readers would love to know about us, know about me.
I stride by everyone without a word, stopping when I reach my cabinet at the back of the bus.
I grab a pair of dry sweats and a T-shirt, then go back to the front, snagging my guitar off the couch where I left it.
“Gonna go ride with Luc for a stretch,” I explain, not waiting for anyone to respond as I promptly walk back off the bus.
I didn’t want to see what might be behind those blue eyes of hers. The questions, or the concern that she might have for me. Not tonight away. I was too raw for that right now.
Every time I thought that shit was behind me, locked away in the little box I shoved it into, something like this happened and fucked me up. Not this time. Not going to let it happen, and not in front of her.