Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
RACHEL
The first thing I feel as I start to wake is warmth. The next thing is sheer panic.
Not full-on panic, but the slow bubbling, ‘Oh fuck, what did I do?’ kind. The kind that creeps up your spine and whispers, “You really fucked up now, didn’t you.”
I blink my eyes open and note there’s light filtering through a crack in the curtains. A breeze from a fan in the window hits me next. Then, the faint smell of sex and Clark smack me straight dab in the face.
And then my body hums, because I’m in his bed. Naked. Wrapped up in his arms and sheets like we’re a couple in love and not two people who just blew our worlds completely apart.
Clark doesn’t stir, so I’m assuming he’s still asleep. Of course, he is. Men can sleep through a nuclear blast.
His arms are strong, holding me, like he knows I’m going to run the second he moves, and he’s trying to keep me in place. Regret is already sliding in like a snake under the door. Too late.
Not because last night wasn’t amazing. It was. It was the best night of my life.
But that’s the problem.
It wasn’t just sex. Not for me. Not for him. I felt it; how could we not? We connected in a way that said this is what perfection feels like.
Which is EXACTLY why I have to go.
I start to wiggle out of his grasp as his hand tightens around my waist.
“Mm,” he mumbles, seemingly half awake. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Bathroom,” I half lie. I do have to go, but I can wait until I get home.
He pauses as he looks at me. I know he can feel the lie, but I get up and start to bounce in place. “Okay, but hurry back,” he finally says, buying my act.
His voice is sleepy, sweet, and way too soft to go with the turmoil in my head.
This can’t be something. It just can’t be.
I stand in the bathroom, staring at my reflection in Clark’s mirror. My hair looks like it fought a way and lost. My neck has a hickey on it that I’ll try to pass off as my curling iron burning me. And my heart. It’s gone full-blown traitor and is already breaking, knowing I’m about to bolt.
This cannot happen. It cannot.
I can’t be the girl who sleeps with her best friend’s brother, and then what? Dates him? Marry him? Takes away his dream of becoming a lawyer because he can’t stand to leave me and pursue the dream he’s always had for himself. Ruin everything?
I can’t do it.
I get dressed so fast, throwing on my clothes haphazardly, and try to sneak back into the bedroom to grab my panties.
“Hey,” I hear Clark say, voice still a bit husky but definitely wide awake. “Why are you dressed? What are you doing?”
“I’m going home,” I reply, not looking at him.
He pushes himself off the bed, still shirtless, but now wearing a pair of boxers. His brow furrows like he’s confused. Like this isn’t how he pictured the morning going.
“You’re just leaving?” he asks, a bit of hurt in his voice.
I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant about it and failing miserably inside. “It was fun. We had fun. But we both know it could never be more than what it was.”
“Rachel,” he frowns as he speaks, “don’t do that. Don’t do this.”
“Do what?” I ask with a shrug.
“Act like nothing happened. Like it didn’t mean anything. Like it didn’t mean everything.”
“I’m not,” I start, but I am. I so am. “Look, we were both drinking; it was graduation. Hormones went awry. People do stuff like this all the time.”
“Wow,” he says, shaking his head like he felt the slap I just gave him. “So, that’s all it was? Stupid college stuff?”
I wince as he repeats my words. They hurt. But I’m the one who dished them.
“I didn’t think it was meaningless.” His is voice quieter than I think I’ve ever heard. “I never thought you would pretend it was.”
“Clark,” I say, then look up at him. Really look. Then I see it, and it nearly does me in. Hurt, disappointment, heartbreak.
I did that. And I hate it. But if I don’t walk away now, I don’t think I ever could.
I could lose more than just the man in front of me if this didn’t work out. I could lose him, his family, and Clara. And I’m not ready for any of that to happen.
So, I do what I’ve always done. I shut down my own feelings.
“I have to go,” I say and start towards his front door. “It’s better to end it before it begins. It’s much better this way.
He doesn’t try to stop me. He just nods and lets me walk away.
I leave without looking back. Because if I do, I know I’m going to see the pain I just caused and may just change my mind. If I turn around, I’ll fall deeper than I’ve already fallen. And I’m not ready for that. He’s not ready for that.
We have a lot to learn, a lot to live, and I cannot lose everything when we’re not certain this will be forever.
Tears in my eyes, I walk out of his apartment building and flag down a cab.
I don’t care that I have the morning-after look, and I don’t care that I’ll do the walk of shame into my apartment that I currently share with his sister.
The only thing I care about right now, as I look up to the window in his third-floor apartment, is the haunted look I see in his eyes as he stares down at me on the street.
That look is what will haunt me…and just a few weeks after, I find out it’s what will help me get through the next nine months I never expected would happen….