6. Ezekiel
6
Ezekiel
Y ou’d think that after hearing Sam’s voice and realising it was even better than in my imagination, I’d be in a better mood.
But I wasn’t. I knew why too, I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet.
Not even to myself.
Storming along the corridor, I glared at Nox as he stepped out of a doorway and into my path. He raised a brow at my expression. “You okay?”
I bristled. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was have a conversation with Nox about my feelings .
“Are you going to move?” I grunted. “Or are you auditioning to be a living statue?”
The sneer he gave me might’ve made a lesser man cringe, but I was used to it. It was how everyone looked at me when I was in this mood. “Were you not taught manners as a child?”
I hid how deep that remark hit. This was what I’d been taught. The lessons my mother had imparted earlier, those that prioritised kindness over demands, had been erased by my father’s education. “I was taught not to hold people up when they’re in a rush.”
Nox stood to the side, sweeping his arm out in an overly dramatic gesture. “Well, don’t let me stop you. You must be far busier and more important than I’d realised.”
Embarrassment rolled through me at my behaviour, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Micah would have my head if he knew how I was speaking to his mate. “Been here a few months and you already know everything.”
“I know an arsehole when I see one,” Nox called after me, not bothering to hide the amusement in his voice. “And you’re definitely not one of the fun ones.”
With self-loathing and humiliation added to the mix, I knew I had to do something before I made an even bigger fool of myself. Sam was working, so messaging him was out. For once, we were on top of all the paperwork.
That left the gym.
I was into my fifteenth set on the bench, sweat rolling down my chest, when Rami appeared in my periphery.
“Okay, enough. Spill.”
“Spill what?” I cranked out another rep.
“The reason you’re slamming around here like a bear who put his paw into a wasp’s nest.”
“There’s no reason. I’m always like this.”
“True,” Rami mused, “but it’s worse today. It’s hanging around you like a cloud. Makes me wanna spritz you with holy water to see if that helps.”
I glared at him between reps. “What’s your point, Rami?”
“My point is, something must be bothering you. The twins have been behaving, Benji said you’re all caught up on paperwork, and I haven’t done anything to irritate you, so what is it? What’s got your goat?”
“Nothing,” I muttered, continuing with my workout. “I’m fine.”
“You know I don’t believe that, right? You’ve never been one to hide your emotions. It’s one of the best things about you—we always know how you’re feeling. And right now you’re wearing the same expression you had a few years ago when Theo replaced your shampoo with hair removal cream.”
I racked the bar, then sat up and faced Rami. “He’s such a fucking twat sometimes. It took ages to grow back.”
“As far as I know, neither he nor Nate have done anything today, so spill. What’s going on?”
I studied my friend in silence, trying to decide what, if anything, to tell him. I could tell him about my run-in with Nox. That might be enough to get him to leave me alone.
It’d be a lie though. While I was irritated by my behaviour and dreading the apology I knew I was going to have to make, that wasn’t the cause of my bad mood. And, while I couldn’t talk to Nox about it, if I was going to open up to anyone, it’d be Rami.
The longer I was silent, the more impatient Rami became. He crossed his arms, the muscles in his biceps popping. Rami looked good and he knew it. Like me, it wasn’t his appearance stopping him getting laid.
It was his habit of only being interested in people who were already taken.
Between the two of us, we were in a dry spell to rival the Sahara. If we didn’t find our mates soon, it’d likely continue until we were just dry, shrivelled husks. Up until recently, I hadn’t minded the idea of finding the person I was fated to be with. I wasn’t actively looking for them, figuring they deserved a lot better than being lumbered with me for eternity, but I wouldn’t have been upset if they’d made an appearance.
Now though? I couldn’t think of anything worse. Finding my fated mate meant cutting things off with Sam.
I hadn’t been ready to do that when it had just been words on a screen. Now that I knew how he sounded when he laughed? The lazy drawl he had when he teased me? The quiet sleepiness that had crept in as the night had gone on?
I wasn’t ready to give Sam up.
Equally though, I didn’t want to drag this thing out knowing it was going to end with his heart being broken. I didn’t know what this thing even was, but what I did know was that I was powerless to stop it. Speaking to Sam had made me feel calmer than I had in centuries. With him, I didn’t need to think about keeping a close watch on my temper in case he provoked me. I could relax. Properly relax.
The whole point of me playing this game had been to try and find something outside of the unit. Something that would make me happy.
Never in my wildest dreams had I thought it’d happen.
It couldn’t last though. There was an end date. Once I met my fated mate, I wouldn’t be able to resist the pull for long. It didn’t matter how I felt about Sam or how happy talking to him made me—he wasn’t who fate intended for me. I knew from watching Micah and Nox that you could only resist your mate for so long before your instincts took over.
It wouldn’t be fair to my mate if my heart was already elsewhere. And it certainly wouldn’t be fair to Sam.
I knew all of this, but it didn’t change the fact that I’d stayed up half the night chatting with him, hanging up only when he was punctuating his sentences with yawns. Nor did it change the fact that we’d exchanged phone numbers and started texting instead.
I’d been holding on to the game as an excuse as to why I needed to speak to him. Now that we’d moved away from that platform, I couldn’t hide behind it any longer.
Basically, I didn’t want to stop talking to Sam, but I also didn’t want to hurt him. Quite frankly, I didn’t fancy breaking my own heart either. I’d watched Micah go through it, and it wasn’t something I felt the need to experience.
I was caught between a rock and a hard place, torn between my baseless, selfish desires and what I knew was the right thing to do.
That’s the thing about angels. We’re supposed to be better. To be upstanding, moral citizens who always choose the greater good.
The truth was that we were just as driven by desire, lust, and the need to be loved as anyone else.
I hadn’t slept after hanging up with Sam. His question about what we were doing had kept circling like a merry-go-round in my head. I didn’t have an answer, but I felt like I should have. But as I’d lain on my bed and stared at the ceiling, nothing had presented itself. In an ideal world, I’d keep Sam in my life as a friend. That way, nothing would need to change if my fated mate appeared on the scene.
That would’ve worked fine if I could keep it appropriate…but I couldn’t seem to help myself. Flirting with Sam was as natural as blinking.
And from how he responded, he felt the same way.
By the time the sun had risen, my mood had been darker and more fiery than a portal to Hell. Bitching at Nox hadn’t helped, nor had coming to the gym.
Maybe opening up to Rami would.
I tried to smile at him, but from how his lips twitched, I didn’t think I succeeded. “Fancy going for a drink?”
B efore we left the compound, I’d made sure to track down Nox and apologise. Thoroughly. Nox had given me a bit more shit but accepted it far quicker than I’d been expecting. For a demon, he wasn’t half bad.
Hopefully Micah wouldn’t hear about my piss poor behaviour. Apologising to Nox was one thing, but explaining to Micah why I’d been such a dick to his mate?
That was a conversation I’d rather avoid.
With that taken care of, I’d headed out with Rami. Now, we were sat at a small table in a nearby pub. It was a bit rough around the edges, but it wasn’t like we needed to worry about anyone starting trouble with us. Who knew, maybe our presence would influence the patrons to take a leaf out of our books.
Obviously that was meant sarcastically. The sins the Seraphim committed on a daily basis would be enough to condemn us to Hell at the end of our lives if that were possible. We experienced all of them—wrath, pride, envy, sloth, lust, greed, and gluttony. It was part of our natures in the same way it was for humans.
Thankfully, Hell wasn’t on the cards for us. No afterlife awaited supes.
We sat in silence for a while, until Rami’s impatience got the better of him. “You going to talk or just keep staring into your pint?”
My scowl deepened. “I’m getting there.”
“Well get there faster. There’s a cutie-pie by the bar I want to hit on.”
I rolled my eyes. “Go now.”
“But we need to talk.”
“Nope.” I sipped my pint, already knowing how this would go. “You won’t be able to concentrate until you’ve got it out of your system. I can wait.”
“What if we hit it off?”
I hid my smirk. “If that happens, I’ll wait for you. Given how long it’s been, I doubt you’ll last more than thirty seconds.”
“Like you’d manage any better,” Rami rumbled before getting to his feet. “Hopefully I won’t be right back.”
I kept sipping my pint, not even slightly concerned about how long I’d be waiting. If anything, I was grateful for the extra time to collect my thoughts. And, honestly, I wasn’t expecting this to take long.
Sure enough, less than a minute later, Rami plopped back into the chair opposite me. I laughed as I took in the grumpy twist of his lips. “Careful, Rami, you’re turning into me.”
“Fuck off.”
“Married? Or just engaged?”
“Engaged,” Rami said gloomily. “Doesn’t wear a ring, apparently.”
“Wouldn’t matter if he did, you probably wouldn’t have noticed it.”
“It’s so fucking annoying.”
Rami was properly scowling now. I put my pint down, leaning my elbows on the table. “Hey, come on, this isn’t like you. What’s a little rejection? You’ve gone through longer dry spells than this before.”
“It’s not the rejection.” Rami rubbed a hand over his jaw. “It’s the fact I only ever seem to be attracted to people who aren’t available. It’s like my romantic compass is broken, only ever pointing to those I can’t have. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I said fiercely. My brethren might piss me off, but nothing upset me more than hearing one of them putting themselves down. “You’re an awesome person, Rami. Any man would be lucky to have you. It’s not like you pursue these men once you know they’re taken.”
Rami looked scandalised. “I would never .”
“Exactly.” I nodded firmly. “You’re deserving of love, Rami, and one day soon you’ll meet the person who can see that. Maybe this is fate’s way of keeping you single. It could be a sign that your mate is just around the corner, waiting for you to find him.”
He sighed. “Wish that was true, Ez. I really do. But I don’t have my hopes up.”
We both drank deeply. I’d order us another round soon—it wasn’t like we could get drunk, not on human alcohol anyway.
Rami drained his glass and put it on the table. “Anyway, enough about me. We’re here to talk about you.”
I finished my own glass, buying a few more precious seconds. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell Rami. It was just…I didn’t usually do this. “I don’t know where to start.”
Pity flickered in Rami’s brown eyes. “It’s okay. Start with why you were upset at the gym.”
I picked up the paper beer mat and tore a thin strip from it, concentrating on that so I didn’t have to look at Rami. My brain itched to use Nox as an out, but that wouldn’t be fair. Not to anybody. “I was upset about Sam.”
“Okaaay.” His curiosity was stretched through the two elongated syllables. “Who’s Sam?”
“He’s…a friend.”
“You have friends?”
I flicked up my middle finger without lifting my gaze.
“Sorry.” Rami laughed. “Couldn’t resist. So how’d you meet him?”
Speaking quickly, I ran through why I’d downloaded the game. How I’d been paired with Sam. The chats that had become full-blown conversations. Late-night sessions followed by catchups during the day. Checking my phone constantly in case I’d missed a notification. Buying a smart watch just to ensure that didn’t happen.
To his credit, Rami didn’t interrupt me once. He sat in silence until I ran out of steam, only then giving a low whistle. “Shit, Ez. I’ve never heard you talk about someone like this before.”
“I know,” I said miserably, staring at the small pile of paper that used to be a placemat. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you mean?”
I huffed, slinking down in my chair. “We’ve become…friends. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“So? Why does that matter?”
I crossed my arms, my mouth stubbornly refusing to voice the words I needed.
“Ah,” Rami said. “You want to be more than friends. What’s the issue—you worried he’s fuck ugly?”
“Of course not,” I snapped. “He could look like Boris Johnson crossed with Jim Davidson and I’d still be interested.”
Rami visibly shuddered. “Boris and Davidson? Surely not.”
I waved my hand impatiently. “You get the point. I don’t give a fuck what he looks like. I like him because I can talk to him. He has the same sense of humour as I do. I can ask him a million questions and he never gets irritated. What’s more, I never get irritated. It’s like he’s woven some magic fucking spell over me. When I’m speaking to him, I’m not angry or grumpy. I’m just…me.”
His eyes softened. “Sam sounds like a great guy.”
“He is,” I said hollowly. “He’s far too good for me.”
“Is that the problem?”
“What? No.” I shook my head. “I’m not that self-sacrificing. I leave that shit to Micah.”
“Then what is the problem?”
I met Rami’s gaze, saying the four words that summed everything up. “He’s not my mate.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yup.” Needing something to do with my hands, I started trying to piece the placemat back together, like the world’s shittest puzzle. “He lives in London.”
“So? That doesn’t mean he’s not your mate.”
“There’s no pull.” My fingers trembled, accidentally sending several pieces flying. “Micah and Nox have both spoken about the pull they felt towards each other. Like a physical tugging in their chest. Nox felt it the whole time he was in Hell, but Micah didn’t experience it until they met, probably due to the distance. When they were in the same city though, they said it became impossible to ignore. The more they tried to resist it, the stronger it became.”
I forced myself to continue. To vocalise the thought I could no longer ignore. “Sam lives in the same city as me. There’s no pull. No instinctual need to go to a particular place where I might run into him.”
“What if you just need to meet him? Maybe this pull to keep speaking to him is because he’s your mate.”
Hope bubbled up in my throat, but I swallowed it down. “I don’t think that’s how it works. From what Micah said, he literally couldn’t stay away. Nox couldn’t either. I just…I can’t see how my mate could be living so close and I’d have no idea about it.”
Rami rubbed a hand over his chin. “I don’t want to say you’re probably right, but…”
His voice trailed off, leaving me to finish it. “But I probably am.”
“Shit.” Rami shook his head. “First bloke to capture your attention in, well, ever, and he’s not your mate? That’s fucking rotten luck.”
“It’s what I deserve.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I raised my brows at Rami. “Come on. You know better than anyone how difficult I am to be around. This is karma’s way of getting back at me for a couple of millennia of being a dick.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” Rami kicked me none too gently under the table, making me glare at him in return. “So you’re a bit grumpy. You’re also protective. You have a temper? Yes, but that’s because you feel things so deeply. You scowl more often than not, but so what? At least you’re honest about how you’re feeling, rather than masking it behind a fake smile like everyone else does.”
I continued to glare at Rami, but it did nothing to deter him. “You can be a dick at times, but you’d never let anyone down. You’ve cooked dinner for the entire unit for centuries, never letting their bitching and complaining stop you. More than that, you’re the one we can count on to drop everything if something is bothering us. You might not know how to help, but it never stops you trying.”
My glare had been replaced by a look of shock. Was that really how he saw me?
“None of us are perfect,” Rami said bluntly. “But that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy of love. If you think that person is Sam, then I say go for it. You’ll kick yourself if you don’t.”
I snorted. “And why do that when I have you to do it for me.”
“Exactly.” Rami flashed me a blinding smile, his dark skin gleaming under the overhead lights. “I’m serious though—if you’re this cut up about Sam, you should explore it.”
I rubbed at my chest, hating the uncertainty clouding me. “What if he’s not my mate?”
Rami shrugged. “What if he is?”