Chapter 10
Soren
I’m exhausted when I arrive at the hospital the next morning.
All night long, all I did was replay the day’s events.
I second-guessed everything, from whether any of this was even real to how I’d reacted to Fergus.
Had I been too hard on him? How else was I supposed to react?
There isn’t exactly a self-help book for this stuff.
So You Just Discovered You’re A Time Traveler: A Guide to Werewolves, Witches, and All Matter of Fuckery.
Maybe I should write one.
I’ve still got no idea what to say when I pick up Fergus from the hospital.
He smiles, and I return the gesture, though it doesn’t feel genuine.
All this time I thought we were related, that I was just an average guy who couldn’t hold down a relationship.
Fergus kept so much from me, and I don’t think he had any intention of telling me.
It’s hard not to hold that against him, but the least I can do is hear his side of the story.
“Hey.” I wince at how awkward I sound. “Feeling better?”
Fergus nods. “Much. I am hungry, though. How about some lunch? My treat.”
I’ll accept the olive branch he’s offering. At the end of the day, he’s my family, even if we aren’t related.
A few streets down, we find a cafe to sit and chat in. Fergus buys us both a coffee and a couple of breakfast sandwiches. I unwrap mine and take a bite, melted cheese, bacon, and eggs exploding in a flavor bomb on my tongue.
Fergus doesn’t touch his coffee, eyes full of guilt when he looks at me. “Soren—”
“I’m sorry I got mad, Gramps.” It hurts to look at him and remember the pained look on his face.
“I shouldn’t have kept things from you,” he says. “I was selfish. I feared that if you knew the truth, you’d want to return to the past and stay there.”
I snort. “Why would I? I want to know, yeah, but my life is here. My job. My friends. My family.” I tap his foot with mine beneath the table.
Fergus smiles and gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I should have trusted you. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have fallen ill.”
“What does all this time travel stuff have to do with you being sick?”
Fergus’s shoulders slump. Great. More secrets, I’m guessing. “I’ve used my magic to mask your presence from other supernatural creatures, but specifically the Erikson pack. I couldn’t be sure they wouldn’t come looking for you.”
“Because I betrayed them.”
Fergus nods glumly. “After all these years, using so much of my magic reserves took its toll on me.”
Shit. Could he have died? “No more,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes. “You can’t do that to yourself. Okay?”
I can’t lose him.
Fergus smiles and pats my cheek. “No more,” he agrees. “But Soren, you need to be careful around that wolf. Is he still here?”
My defenses go back up. “He’s not dangerous.” The part of me that once knew and loved Lyall prickles with anger at my grandfather’s assumptions.
“You can’t know that.”
“I do, Gramps,” I say, voice sharp. Taking a breath, I try to calm down. Fergus furrows his brows, like I’ve grown a second head or something. “He and I… we were close. He loved me.”
Fergus purses his lips the way he does when he wants to say something I probably won’t like.
“What?”
“If he loved you so much, then why did he let you go?”
Because everyone does.
Faces flash before my eyes. Men I knew for a night, a few weeks, a handful of months.
Men who left me, men I rejected because I knew deep down they weren’t it for me.
But Lyall is—was. I have no idea if we can be what we once were.
It’s too overwhelming. Maybe nothing will happen between us.
Maybe my heart will just end up broken all over again.
“I don’t know, Gramps. Okay? But I’m going to find out. Lyall’s offered to help me remember.”
“You can’t!” he hisses, gripping onto my arm hard. “Soren, he could be trying to trick you. And what’s more, you do not have the TTA’s permission to travel. There are rules that must be obeyed!”
“Lyall’s willing to break the rules for me. He’s been looking for me all these years. I trust him, and I need to know why.”
Fergus heaves a sigh, and I hate that I’m worrying him like this.
“I’ll come back,” I say, needing him to know. “I promise, Gramps. You’re my family. You know that, right?”
A watery sheen mists Fergus’s eyes, making a lump rise in my own throat. “Be careful, my boy. Please.”
Leaning over, I pull him into a hug. “I will.”
No matter what I learn in the past, I’ll aways have a home here in the present with Fergus.
“So, how does this time travel stuff work exactly?”
Lyall doesn’t answer my question right away, too busy chewing a big mouthful of the blueberry muffin I brought back from the cafe. His eyes roll back, and he moans low in his throat. I wonder what else could make him moan like that?
No. Bad. We’re not doing relationships, remember?
But that doesn’t mean I have to be celibate, does it? Maybe we could just have one night together, or—
No, Lyall feels… something for me. I can’t lead him on like that. I guess I have no other option but to pine after him then. To imagine what his hair might feel like between my fingers, his body drawn taut with pleasure beneath mine like in my dreams…
“—and we’re there. Simple. Soren?”
I blink away the images of Lyall and clear my throat. “Sorry?” Shit. My voice sounds as if I just gargled with gravel.
An indulgent smile spreads over Lyall’s face.
His nostrils flare as he leans forward, the table between us the only thing stopping him from being within kissing distance.
“I said…” His voice is low and husky, like a caress right over my dick.
“I must take you… to a body of water.” Shit.
He’s teasing me. Has to be. “There I will open a portal that will take us wherever I will it.”
Keep your eyes on his face. Don’t look at his lips. His eyes are up here.
My throat convulses around a swallow. “Oh. Okay. Sounds good.” His knees brush mine beneath the table.
“You aren’t nervous?”
His question drains my arousal, making me more aware of the nerves churning in my stomach. “A little.”
“Fear not.” His hand slides across the table and squeezes mine. “I’ll protect you.”
My face flushes. “I can protect myself.”
“I know.” Melancholy clouds his eyes. “You were always strong and capable. It never stopped me from worrying after you.” The tenderness in his voice makes my breath catch.
Nobody’s spoken about me in this way. I haven’t done anything to deserve it.
The man Lyall knew and the man I am now aren’t the same person.
Once Lyall realizes that, will he be disappointed?
Probably. Another reason I can’t let myself get attached to him. I’ll never be the same person he speaks about with such reverence.
I pull my hand away and try not to notice the hurt that flashes across Lyall’s face.
I know Lyall’s hoping that this journey into the past will help me remember, but what if it doesn’t? He’ll just be disappointed. He’ll leave, the same as everyone else. These feelings I have for him… they can’t lead anywhere good.
What if he just disappoints me like all the others have? I need to remember that’s a possibility.
Lyall swallows the last bite of food. “Ready?” he asks.
There are crumbs in his beard. My fingers twitch, but I ball my hand into a fist so I don’t brush them away. “Yeah. Let’s do this.”
He grins like I’ve made his day. “Then let’s go. You take the lead. You know the city better than I do.”
My heart’s in my throat as I lead the way to Chelsea Piers. It’s not far, and Lyall makes the walk pass even more quickly with all his chatter. “Wait until you see the ocean! You used to love going for swims with me. We’d race each other out as far as we could go.”
Racing? Ugh, no thanks. I get enough exercise climbing the five flights up to my apartment. Still, I smile as Lyall’s face lights up while describing our antics. I like the version of Soren he talks about. He’s adventurous, daring, and passionate.
Nothing like the man I am now. My life is simple.
I wake up, eat a quick breakfast, go to work, come home and experiment with new drink recipes, then go to sleep.
Lather, rinse, repeat. A guy like Lyall must live an adventurous life.
Which is fine. I’m not dating him. He’s just helping me remember my past. That’s all this is.
Once we’re at the piers, I rent a kayak and we settle into it. The day is crisp and cold. There’s a thin layer of broken ice that floats over the river’s surface. Gray clouds let in pale sunlight. In seconds, the cold air has numbed my cheeks. “What now?” I ask, teeth chattering.
Lyall reaches into his bag and withdraws what looks like a tree branch covered in odd symbols. “It’s a branch of Yggdrasil,” he explains, “the world tree that connects all the realms of this world. Using it, we can travel wherever we wish.” Before my eyes, the symbols begin to glow pale blue.
The branch shakes in Lyall’s hand the farther out into the water we get.
The wind picks up, rocking the kayak. I grab onto the sides, terrified it will tip us into the icy water.
There’s a flash that briefly obscures my vision, and my mouth falls open as a tear appears ahead of us. A portal. It’s a fucking portal!
I close my eyes tight, heart racing.
Shit, shit, shit. This is happening. This is real. I’m going back in time.
There’s no time to regret this choice.
The tip of the kayak passes into the portal, swallowing Lyall, coming for me.
My stomach lurches like I’ve missed a step going downstairs, like I’m falling and there’s nothing to catch me, only an endless abyss.
I slam back into my body with a gasp as the world spins around me, tipping—
“Soren!”
Frigid water crashes over my head. My limbs stiffen, my lungs seizing. I’ve never known such cold in my whole life. I can’t think around it, can’t fucking breathe.
A hand clasps mine, pulling me toward the surface. I collide with Lyall’s firm body, and he holds me tight as the surface gets closer. I suck in air, gasping and shaking.
“I’ve got you, Soren. I’m here.” Lyall hooks his arms beneath mine and kicks toward the shore.
My ankles drag over stones, and then there’s solid land beneath my body.
My muscles have locked up. I can’t move, just shudder and gasp for air.
I’m as vulnerable as a baby, and it’s fucking terrifying.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m going to look after you. ”
I’m hoisted into strong arms, held to a powerful chest. Lyall runs, jostling me from side to side. “Let me think… there was a cave around here. Gods, I must remember! Where was it… There!”
The howling wind around us becomes muffled as Lyall squeezes us through a narrow opening and into a dark, quiet space.
I huddle into him, desperate for any warmth I can get even though he’s as soaked as I am.
He lays me down on the hard ground. “I need to get you out of these wet cloths. Will you let me?”
Yes, I want to scream, but my teeth are chattering too hard. I nod, and Lyall gets to work. My limbs are stiff, and it takes several minutes of pulling on Lyall’s part, but finally my wet clothes are thrown off. My eyes grow heavy.
“Easy, Soren. You’ll feel better soon.”
Lyall throws on his furs, and the white pelt crawls over his body.
In seconds, a white wolf stands before me, his fur dry.
The wolf—Lyall—lies down atop me like a big blanket.
His fur itches my bare skin at first, but the warmth radiating from him nearly makes me cry in relief.
I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him close.
There’s a slight breeze as his tail whips back and forth, a happy little squeak escaping him.
Lyall rests his big head on my chest, sighing in a way I could almost call content.
I close my eyes and lose myself in his warmth.
The numbness fades slowly from my fingers as I run them through his thick, coarse fur.
A huff of laughter escapes me. I have a huge wolf lying on top of me, but what I feel isn’t fear. Far from it.
No.
I’ve never felt safer.
“Thanks, Lyall.”
He whines, tail wagging.
“Guess that’s a ‘you’re welcome.’” I stroke the tip of his big ear.
“You know, for such a fearsome predator, you’re just the goodest of boys, aren’t you?
” He growls at my teasing tone, but I just laugh.
I take his furry cheeks in my hands and squish them.
“So cute. I’ve always wanted a dog. Who’s da good boy? You is! You is da goodest boi.”
Lyall’s tail only wags faster. He’s loving this.
I scratch his side. “Ready for the good stuff? Want some belly rubs?”
Lyall sighs happily and flops off me. I’m nice and warm now, so I don’t mind. I give his chest some scratches, then ruffle the floof on his belly, grinning when his huge paw starts to kick in response. His eyes close, tongue lolling in bliss. “Yeah. That’s the good stuff, huh?”
Am I nuts for thinking this wolf is the cutest creature I’ve ever laid eyes on?
It doesn’t help that he’s more golden retriever than vicious predator.
At least, around me he is. Sighing, I flop down beside him, carding my fingers through his fur.
His long snout is inches from my face, his big cold nose almost touching mine.
His teeth are freaking huge, but I don’t feel an ounce of fear.
Reaching out, I put my finger between his teeth. He closes his jaws, applying the barest hint of pressure against the digit. My chest tightens. The trust I have in him must be left over from the bond we shared. If our bond was so strong I trust him even in his most dangerous of forms, then…
“I wouldn’t have forgotten you without one hell of a fight,” I whisper into what little space there is between us. “What we had… it must have been something special.”
The wolf’s emerald eyes open, with such a human look of awe in them that it takes my breath away. His body ripples and then Lyall the human lies inches from me, my finger to his lips. His throat clicks loudly in the quiet, a glossy sheen to his eyes.
“It was.” He clears his throat, voice thick with emotion.
“I wish I could remember.”
He takes my hand, and I let him. The walls I’ve built around my heart don’t stand a chance, not when he looks at me like I’m his whole world. “You will.”
I wet my lips, my heart skipping. “And if I don’t?”
Lyall’s intake of breath is loud, and my heart sinks. “You will.”
Shit. It’s exactly what I feared. “Lyall—”
“No,” he says sharply, holding my hand to his chest. “You will remember.”
And if I don’t… then he’ll leave.
And I’ll be left to pick up the pieces again.