Chapter 19 #3
Why didn’t he stay? Why couldn’t he understand what I needed? Why am I like this? Why can’t I ever tell people what I really want?
My head drops into my hands, and I tangle my fingers into my curls. I’m not sure how long I sit there crying, but it’s long enough for Gage to find me red-faced and hiccupping uncontrollably.
“Oh, babes.” He squats down to embrace me. For once, I don’t try to escape his hug. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head against his chest furiously.
Because if I let it all out, it will bleed me dry. Nothing will be left but a husk. A black hole that will swallow up more than just me. It’ll affect Laz and Gage and…
Okay, so maybe that’s it for the list of people who care for me, but they already put up with enough of my shit.
“Does this have anything to do with the cum seeping down the shower?” Gage asks, patting my head.
Fuck. Well, that’s embarrassing.
When Gage eases back, I hide my face in my hands. He doesn’t ask any more questions. He just goes back to holding me while I fight to shove everything back down. Not just what I’m feeling for Rev, but the shit I’ve been avoiding since Papi was murdered, too.
If I could carve this pain from my body, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Eventually, my breaths even out. But when I lift my head up, tears keep leaking out of me. I swipe at them in frustration, starting to get that anger bubbling inside me like I need to be out on the streets with a knife in my hand so I can make SIXX feel the way I’ve felt for too fucking long.
“Sorry,” I mutter. “This is…I’m so…ugh.”
Gage touches a palm to my cheek. “Sweets, I’ve been so worried about you. You’ve been ignoring my texts. You’ve been moody and closed off. And look, here you are having a meltdown after some beautiful man dicked you down.”
“Gage—”
“Oh, don’t apologize for that. But if that prime specimen pulls some shit on you, I’d better be the first to know, and you’d better bail me out of jail.”
A quiet laugh breezes out of me as Gage brushes his thumbs over my tears.
Sniffling, I reply, “No need for that. It’s over. He’s definitely done with me.”
“You sure, babes? ’Cause he was the one who sent me in here to check on you. Told me he was going to warm the truck up to take you home.”
What?
My stupid heart beats faster. Did I not push him away hard enough? Does he not fucking get it?
“Can we relocate? I’d rather not get cum on my new Converse heels right away,” Gage says.
Frowning, I nod and let him help me to my feet. He guides me to my locker, where I collect the rest of my things. I hesitate, glancing over at the mirrors.
“Fuck, I must look a mess,” I mutter.
Dropping his trendy backpack onto the bench, Gage pulls out makeup wipes and tends to my face. “You look perfect.”
I shake my head to hide the trembling of my chin. I wish I could tell Gage how much he means to me, but just the thought alone has more tears threatening to spill, and I’m already running on empty.
“So,” Gage says, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder. “Does your sexy man have any friends?”
Another weak laugh slips from me. I try to picture Gage surrounded by Sinro mercenaries. He’s definitely got the right attitude to run with them. And he’d baby the fuck out of Ezra.
“All probably just as insane as he is,” I reply.
Gage tosses imaginary hair over his shoulder. “Red flags are my kink, sweets.”
I purse my lips. There’s truth to that. After all, he fucked around with me, and I’m a giant red flag.
After I’m bundled in my coat, Gage takes my hand and walks me through the packed club. As soon as we make it out front, he nudges his shoulder against mine. I glance up, spotting Rev leaning against the side of his truck, illegally parked on the street.
“See? Have some self-confidence. You’re a catch,” Gage says.
I don’t know about that, but I murmur a “thanks” anyway.
“Gonna hang out and see if Kayla needs help closing.” Gage blows me a kiss and points a finger at Rev in a threatening manner. “Take care of him.”
Without Gage here as a crutch, I’m floundering under Rev’s cold stare. I can’t puzzle out what he’s thinking. His expression is blank, his true nature hidden behind the normal mask he wears in public.
When he strides over to me, I take steps back until I’m pressed against the brick wall of the club. As much as my brain screams to run away, I don’t have the energy.
I’ve never really been a fighter. Not truly.
Instead of meeting me with anger, Rev leans in to kiss me. It’s soft and tender and perfectly bone-melting. It’s the kind of kiss we might have started with if we were different people. If he weren’t a mercenary and I weren’t broken.
When he eases back, that spark of life has returned to his glacial eyes. “I’m highly observant, but I don’t always get it right. You’ve got to talk with me, Dante. You tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen. End of story.”
I blink back at him as he smooths his thumb along my cheek. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him I need him to leave me alone.
“I…I don’t know what I want,” I admit.
Liar. You want him.
“Do you want my comfort tonight?” he asks softly.
My brows furrow. I give him a slight nod. The act feels like a violation, but when he kisses me again, everything screaming inside of me falls quiet.
Another stupid tear slips free. Easing back, Rev watches it trail down my cheek.
“See what kind of mess you’re getting into with me?” I mutter.
“Good thing I like messes.”
I exhale in defeat as he spreads the tear over my skin.
“Precious, Dante. My little marshmallow. You’re so soft and squishy under that charred exterior.”
I sniffle. “Fuck you.”
“Mmm, you’d have to talk me into bottoming. Might not be appropriate to do the act out here. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I’m willing to make exceptions for you.”
I can’t hold back the bubble of laughter at his ridiculousness.
He cracks a wide smile. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh.”
“Don’t get used to it.”
“Oh, kitten. Don’t you understand? I’m not leaving you alone. Not ever.”
“Then I’ll keep fighting you,” I whisper.
He threads his fingers in mine, tugging me toward his truck. “Wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Climbing into his truck, I frown at the distance between us as he gets behind the wheel. He reaches over to hook a hand around my thigh and tug me against him.
Without thinking, I drop my head on his shoulder.
I’m fucking floored by how this night unfolded. Rev weathered my ups and downs without wavering. But this is only the first time he’s seen me like this. It’s the tip of the Dante iceberg.
I overheard Papi and Laz talking about me one night when I was little. Papi was concerned with my closed-off behavior. He thought maybe he’d done something wrong raising me. Laz told him I was just born with thicker skin—a protective barrier in case bad things happened.
And bad things did happen to us.
Still, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. If I was missing vital pieces. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t communicate anything properly. That I did love my family, and I wanted their hugs, I just didn’t know how to properly receive them.
I hid in our bathroom and cried that night. Laz must not have been asleep like I’d thought. He found me and wrapped me up in his arms.
When I asked him if I was defective, he told me I had better get those awful thoughts out of my head because I was perfect in every way.
I’m far from fucking perfect, but Rev doesn’t seem to care.
“Dante.” His gentle voice draws me out of sleep. Cracking my eyes open, I’m shocked to find we’re already parked outside our brownstones.
I’m worn out in every sense of the word.
Rev guides my sleepy body to my bedroom. I catch him taking in the space. My piles of laundry. My dance stuff shoved in my closet. My unmade bed.
“Don’t judge,” I mumble.
“Do you want to change—”
I flop down on the bed, and Rev chuckles. His laughter is cut off by a curse as he stumbles back. I lurch upright, worried I left my knife on the floor.
My panic quickly subsides as a tiny black creature leaps onto my bed between me and Rev, hissing and spitting.
“The cat.” I exhale.
How the hell did he get inside? I don’t remember the last time I had my window open.
“Your security system seems to be in order.” Rev plucks the cat up by the scruff of its neck and places it outside my bedroom, shutting the door. Blood drips down the hand he lifts for examination.
“Come here,” I say, motioning him to my bed.
Some bout of madness must overcome me because I take his hand in mine and bring the tip of my tongue to the line of blood. The metallic tang blooms on my taste buds as I lick his skin clean.
Rev’s eyes shine with lust. He reaches his free hand back toward the door. “Come here, Satan. Cut me again.”
“Stop.” I swat at him, fighting back a smile.
He catches my wrist and cradles it to his chest. I blink up at him as the moment shifts into something tender. Something delicate.
The mattress dips under his weight as he leans down to kiss me. Seconds later he gathers me up and lowers us both onto my bed, rolling us over so my body is positioned on top.
Giving in to his warmth, I slide my hands beneath his shirt to rest on his ribs and tuck my knees in along his hips. Then I settle my cheek over his heart, tuning in to the steady beat.
“You don’t really want to do this with me,” I say quietly.
His fingers stroke the back of my neck. “Why is that?”
“I…struggle with all of it. Mostly the affection part.”
“If you gave it to me all the time, it wouldn’t feel special.”
My fingers curl against his ribs. “I’m just…different, Rev. That comes with complications.”
“Complications, hmm? I was seven the first time I thought about killing someone.”
Eyes widening, I lift my head to look at him in the dark.
“And no, I’m not just talking about lashing out in anger. I devised a plan to drag our PE teacher into the utility closet and choke him out with the strings from my jacket. I fantasized about watching him turn colors just like he enjoyed watching kids in the showers.”
“Rev, that’s…wrong.”
His smile is the fake one that doesn’t touch his eyes. The one he shows everyone else. “I felt no shame over it.”
“No. I’m saying what he did was wrong.”
Rev sighs. “He did far worse. Luckily for him, some higher power was on his side that day. Police showed up before I was able to do anything. I even had a spot behind the playground picked out to bury him.”
It should probably concern me what kind of dark thoughts and actions he’s capable of, but am I so different in my pursuit of revenge? I plan on killing, too.
“You fit in at Sinro,” I say.
He lifts his head to kiss the tip of my nose. “I do. I fit with you, too, complications and all.”