Chapter Twenty-One
………………………….
Henri
I WOKE FOR THE THOUSANDTH time, but this time…coherency woke with me.
I didn’t hover in an in-between world.
I didn’t fall back into convoluted dreams of star homes, hell realms, or champagne breakfasts in the sun.
I wished I did.
I longed to return to my fantasies because at least I got to see her again. Be with her. Love her.
My chest compressed with agony.
My heart fissured, and I couldn’t breathe.
My soul tore itself into shreds, searching for that missing piece that’d existed in Ily.
Now, it would always be missing because…
She’s dead .
Choking on terminal sorrow, I trembled in a large, comfy bed. Tucked up beneath warm blankets and surrounded by luxury I didn’t recognise, I hated every fucking thing.
What right did I have to be lying here?
What right did I have to be free from that island, that pain, those collars and cuffs and nightmares?
Ily wasn’t free.
She’s gone.
Peter was gone.
Far too many jewels had died on that godforsaken shit-fuck island, and…I couldn’t fucking survive it.
“It’s been six days, esclave . The doctor says if he doesn’t make the choice to wake and stay awake, we might as well plan his funeral.”
I froze.
Icy tears rolled down my temples and soaked into my pillow as Q sucked in a breath and whispered, “ Merde , I failed him so badly. I left him to be tortured. He was barely recognisable. He wanted to fucking die. W-What if I hit him too hard? What if I permanently damaged him?”
Twisting my head a little, I spied Q standing in the doorframe. A woman stood in front of him, leaning against the other side.
The room I lay in remained shrouded in darkness. Black drapes drawn across a huge bank of windows. A fireplace crackled with warm flames, and emerald damask wallpaper gleamed subtly in the glow.
“You told me he tried to make you kill him when he noticed that girl on the ground,” she said softly. “You didn’t have a choice but to punch him. You said he was millimetres away from shooting himself. If you hadn’t acted as quickly as you did, he would’ve died—”
“It was the fact that he wanted to die that’s haunting me. He wasn’t joking around. You didn’t see his eyes. He’s not waking up because he still wants to die. Perhaps I should have let him do it.” Q curled over her, his tall height slouching with weariness. “The things he’s endured, Tess. The bruises covering him. The marks on his back.” He swallowed hard. “Some of the lacerations cut right down to his bones. His fucking shoulder blades were visible, for fuck’s sake. No wonder he’s got a full-blown infection. No wonder he lies there mumbling in his sleep about stars and hell and twin flames. What the hell is a twin flame? Did they burn him too? Did they make him hurt the other slaves like those sick bastards did to you?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he groaned. “His body is destroyed, but his mind…that’s in ruins. This is all my fault. I should never have sent him there. I should’ve known he wouldn’t be a match for Grand. I—”
“Ah, Q.” The woman stepped into him and cupped his cheek. “You can’t beat yourself up. You found him eventually. He’s here now. All those poor slaves are either recuperating or have already been sent back to their families…because of you.”
“No.” He shook his head. “Because of him .” He pointed at me. “I’ve liberated thousands of slaves over the years. I’ve seen the sickest shit and slaughtered the vilest people, but what Franco keeps reporting on that island?” He shuddered. “The fire couldn’t erase the truth. It didn’t destroy the dungeons, the caves, or the walk-in freezer full of body parts. Body parts, Tess. He was fucking harvesting them! There are hundreds of skulls below that despicable place. The things the other prisoners have told me. The ones missing pieces and yet are strong enough to actually recount what they’ve endured… merde .”
“You can’t torture yourself like this,” Tess murmured, tucking a blonde curl behind her ear. “You need to get some sleep.” The petite slenderness of my sister-in-law. The softness of her Australian accent couldn’t hide the obvious authority she had over my brother. “You help for a reason. You carry those horrors for those who didn’t survive. You can’t let this get to you. You’ll be no use to all the others in the future if—”
“The ones in the future?” Q spat. “What about the ones in the past? The ones we were too late for?”
“Don’t go down that path, ma?tre . You refused to let me when I struggled to forget, and I won’t let you get lost too. He’s here. He’s going to be okay. You didn’t fail him—”
“Didn’t fail him, huh?” Q chuckled coldly. “You love me for reasons I will never quite understand but allow me to tell you the sort of man you married, esclave .” His voice shook with self-hatred. “I saw him. All those years ago, when I was barely a teen and he was just a boy…I saw him being dragged into my father’s wing. I heard him scream when he was forced to do whatever it was my father made him do. The first time it happened, I intervened. I claimed I’d seen some cops heading up our driveway and sent a guard in to fetch him. I’d hoped that would be the end of it, but…it wasn’t.”
Tess glanced at me. Thanks to the gloom, she didn’t notice me eavesdropping. Her voice trembled. “How long…how long did it go on for?”
“Years. I tried to stop it. I took a few beatings trying to prevent my father going to the nursery where he was kept. But I was too young to make a difference. After a while, I got shuttled off to boarding school. I wasn’t here to see what happened. I barely saw him when I came home for the holidays. And if I did, he never once looked at me. I remember him actually giving me the finger one afternoon. That’s when I figured he’d become like my father, and I hated him instead of pitied him.”
“So that’s why you shot him? Your father, I mean?”
“I shot him because he housed fourteen women and raped them all while my mother drank herself into her grave. I shot him because he groomed kids to become him. I shot him because it was the right thing to do. All while I never did the right thing by my brother.”
I flinched as Q marched toward me.
He moved too fast. I didn’t have enough time to fake sleep.
He sucked in a breath as he hovered over my bed. “You’re awake.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I wanted so fucking much to hate him. I wanted to continue nursing my childhood blame, but after everything that’d happened…I couldn’t.
I couldn’t judge him after what I’d done.
I couldn’t condemn him for turning a blind eye when he was just a boy himself. It’d been a shitty situation for all involved. He hadn’t been the one to make me rape my half-siblings’ mothers. He wasn’t the one to hold a gun to my head to make me hurt them.
And he wasn’t the one who’d made me draw Ily’s blood or get hard as she screamed.
That was all on me.
On this sickness inside me.
This fucking beast I could never kill.
I’d been the one to kill Ily.
She was dead because of me.
She died because I saw her, fell in love with her, then sacrificed her to Victor.
Oh fuck .
Barbed wire wrapped around my lungs. My insides tangled. My heart wanted to stop.
She’s dead.
Because of me.
She’s gone.
Because I failed her.
She’s dead.
Peter’s dead.
So many jewels dead .
I fisted the blankets and tried not to drown in my grief.
I couldn’t.
Tears squeezed around my throat.
I stared at the ramifications of my past.
I’d been lucky enough to find her.
So fucking blessed to be loved by her.
And now… I’m alone again.
I was nothing without her. I could’ve become something with her. I could’ve become someone I was proud of. But without her…I didn’t even want to try.
The same calmness that’d fallen over me when I’d reached for Q’s gun settled once again.
I’d been a stain on this world for long enough.
It’s time.
My tears receded. I even managed a cleansing breath. I opened my eyes and looked at my older brother with no animosity or guilt or shame. “I’m so sorry for putting your family in danger.”
Q shot a look at Tess, who lingered in the doorway.
Without a word, she vanished down the corridor, giving us privacy.
Once she’d gone, he winced and swallowed hard. “And I’m sorry for sending you into danger.”
I flinched as fresh pain cut down my back. Shifting on the bed, the tightness of bandages around my chest and the thick padding across my shoulder blades and down my spine made me prickle with entrapment.
Q glanced at the new cast around my forearm. “We X-rayed every inch of you. The break in your forearm needed setting. Even though it shows evidence of prior healing, it’s unfortunately broken again.”
I chuckled with black humour. “Yeah, I felt it go when I used a gun as a baseball bat on Roland.”
Q arched an eyebrow but didn’t ask questions. “The recent healing on your ankle seems stable enough. Your ribs show evidence of multiple fractures. The gunshot wound on your side turned out to be the least of your problems.” He rolled his eyes. “The bullet just went straight through the skin. It didn’t damage anything. However…your lack of body weight and the lacerations on your back.” He wiped his mouth and shook his head. “You might need a skin graft if the stitches don’t hold. Even with stitches, the scar tissue will always—”
“I’m fine.” I swallowed hard, cursing the fact that the painkillers kept ebbing the longer I stayed awake. “I don’t need a grocery list of my injuries. I’m aware.”
Clenching his jaw, he nodded once.
We didn’t speak for a long moment before he muttered, “Why were you wearing the collar of a slave? Why are you so badly beaten? You went in as a Master. You called me from Victor’s personal phone as his friend .” His gaze met mine. “What happened?”
I really didn’t want to take a trip down memory lane, nor did I have the strength to but…this would be the first and last honest conversation I’d ever have with my brother, so I answered him. “I tried playing a game with an opponent smarter than me.”
“Victor wasn’t smart. He was insane.”
“Either way, I lost.”
“Did he…rape you? Do you need to talk to someone? Are you—”
“I told you.” I glowered with as much strength as I could. “I’m fine.”
“Fine? It seems as though our definitions of that word are slightly different.” He scoffed. “You’re practically a corpse.”
“I’m still breathing.”
Unfortunately.
He eyed me. “Barely.”
Physical pain kept building but the emotional pain of losing Ily made me breathless. It hurt to breathe. To exist without her. To have images of her dead on the grass with Peter dead beside her.
I couldn’t recall her laughing because she’d hardly ever laughed on that despicable island.
I couldn’t remember her happy because we’d never gotten the chance.
That was the saddest part.
The hardest part.
We’d met in a nightmare, and we’d never gotten free.
And now I was awake and all I wanted to do was go back into the dream where I could find her.
Rubbing my bleeding heart, I forced myself to hide the depth of my despair.
Soon, I wouldn’t have to feel anymore. Soon, I was going to a place where discomfort and grief couldn’t hurt me. The sooner Q left me alone, the sooner I could join Ily and Peter and all the other jewels who’d lost their lives.
A question popped into my head. Utterly pointless now but still…curiosity itched. “Where was Victor’s island, by the way?”
Q stiffened. “A private atoll off the coast of Portugal.”
“Portugal? But we flew four hours to get there.”
“He probably flew longer than needed to disorientate whoever was on board.”
“Sounds like something he’d do.”
“Why did he collar you?” Q asked quietly. “Why did he hurt you so badly?”
I laughed on a painful exhale. “Let’s just say, I didn’t agree with the initiation ceremony.”
“What did that entail?”
“Killing.”
He pursed his lips and fell silent again, his pale green gaze churning with yet more questions.
Before he could ask any of them, I ran a hand over my face, dislodged the faint tracks of tears, and willed my mourning, throbbing body to stay alive for a little longer. “Speaking of Victor, I’m assuming he’s dead?”
He nodded slowly. “The slaves were…creative in his murder. I didn’t stand around to watch since I needed to get you to a doctor, but Franco—the team leader of the men still on that island—has relayed what happened.”
“Tell me.”
He eyed me as if assessing if I’d pass out again. “Perhaps we should wait until—”
“Now, Q.”
“You’ve only just woken. We’ve spoken too much as it is.” He shifted toward the door. “I’ll get the doctor to check on you and then we’ll—”
“No,” I hissed. “Now. Not later. Now . Tell me what happened to Victor. I need to know.”
Raking a hand through his short hair, he nodded. “Fine. But if you pass out again—”
“Just tell me, for Christ’s sake.”
Dropping his arm, he sniffed. “I’ve heard he was missing all ten fingers and toes. His cock was found in a fountain. His eyes are believed to have been carried away by crows. I can’t say for sure what killed him, but…he was barely recognisable. He had stab wounds. To every part of him.”
“And the jewels?”
“The slaves?”
I nodded and rolled my bare wrists, ignoring my new cast. “You cut my collar and cuffs off. Did you do the same for them?”
“It was the first thing I did. They’re all free, and those strong enough and not too injured have already been flown back to their families.”
“And those who aren’t?”
“Some are convalescing in rooms around my estate. I have three doctors providing around-the-clock care. A few others are in the hospital in town. Some are still unconscious and are unidentified as yet.”
I swallowed hard, doing my best not to feel the sting of sorrow. Soon, that sting would be gone forever.
Ily.
Where is she?
Gagging on heartbreak, I couldn’t bring myself to picture or ask about Ily’s remains. The memory of her so lifeless and—
Shoving such agony away, I asked coldly, “Peter’s body? What did you do with it?”
“I don’t know which one was Peter.”
“His real name is… was …Paavak Chauhan.” I wasn’t prepared for the dagger to my chest. “H-He was the man lying beside Il—”
A tidal wave of despair cut me off.
I couldn’t.
Fuck, I couldn’t say her name again.
Just like when I’d finally learned what her name meant, this time I felt the loss of all the years we’d never have together.
“I wasn’t there to do the cleanup. However, the deceased have been sent to the morgue,” Q murmured. “I’m waiting until the slaves…eh, the jewels, are mentally strong enough to identify them. Once I have the names of the dead, I’ll contact their loved ones and ensure they’re reunited.”
Silence fell between us.
I almost offered to identify Peter myself. To go and hold Ily’s cold, dead hand where she lay all alone in a grave-shaped fridge.
But…I couldn’t.
I couldn’t see her like that.
And Peter? His body didn’t matter anymore.
His soul was out there. Most likely with Ily. And I wanted to join them more than anything.
Looking Q up and down, I hated that we were strangers who shared blood.
We’d both hurt each other. Helped each other.
But we’d reached a truce, and a surge of guilt made me ask, “Is your son okay?”
He smiled the same way Victor used to—sinister and sharklike, yet from him, it gave me comfort instead of chills. “He’s fine. I wanted to spare him the darker side of life for as long as I could, but…he’s a Mercer. He saw what we’re capable of.” Throwing a look at the empty doorway, he lowered his voice. “Don’t tell my wife that I told you but…he…well, he might have helped at the end.”
“Jesus Christ, don’t let him become like us, Q.” I balled my hands. “Fuck’s sake, no one should have to live with this disease.”
“He’s not like us.” He snapped straight. “He has a gentle heart. A kind heart. He doesn’t crave pain. But he’s brave enough to deliver pain if necessary.”
My energy levels flagged; I fought the undertow of sleep. “In that case, I’m glad he can stand up for himself. Maybe if I’d learned that, I wouldn’t have blocked everything out. I wouldn’t have blocked you out. I would’ve been…different.”
“I did wonder if you remembered me when you first appeared last year. You showed no signs of it, though.”
“Turns out the mind is pretty good at forgetting terrible things.”
“Ain’t that the fucking truth.” He smirked. A strained pause before he added, “Well, you’re home now. We’ll catch up when you’re stronger. After all, we have a lifetime to share.”
I smiled and nodded, letting him believe I’d still be here come morning.
“Thank you…for coming for them,” I said, my voice thick and hoarse. “I’m sorry I failed in getting them out, but I’m glad they’re safe. Those who survived at least.”
My ribs grew thorns and pierced my heart.
Ily…
Q sat heavily on the bed. “I’m just sorry I was so late. That you had no one.”
“I had someone.” I shrugged. “And it wasn’t your fault.”
He scoffed. “Whose fault was it? Who sent you there? Who forced you—”
“You didn’t force me. If anything, you gave me a purpose. A purpose I wasn’t strong enough to live up to, but it’s over now.” Pushing myself up, the room swam with familiar light-headedness. Wires that I hadn’t noticed fed into my veins, keeping me alive all while I refused to stay that way much longer.
I had the sudden urge to yank the needles out of me.
I was ready.
I’d done my part.
Victor was dead. His island was now known to Q. He’d go after the other Masters who weren’t there that day. He had the skills to crack into Victor’s database and go hunting for all those who deserved to die.
And me… I’m done.
“Look.” I sighed. “I appreciate everything, but…I would really like to rest now. Do you mind?”
His face turned cold and unreadable.
I frowned.
Now, what’s his problem?
“Go away.” I shooed him with a weak wrist. “You can ask your questions another day.”
“Another day, huh?”
The edge in his tone. The harsh suspicion.
I scowled and said nothing.
He glowered back, rummaging through my secrets the longer we stared.
The silence grew too heavy.
He blurted, “Did you love her?”
I froze. Protective anger billowed as I stared him down. “Who?”
“Don’t play that game. You know who I mean.” He never looked away. “Did you love her?”
I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I found myself confessing, “With every useless part of me.”
“Did she love you?”
“None of your fucking business.”
“It is my business, so answer the damn question. Did she love you in return?”
My chest imploded.
All I could see and hear and taste was Ily. The way she held me when I broke. The way she climaxed as we played. The way she accepted me…every miserable, murderous piece.
And now, she’s gone…
Baring my teeth, I snarled, “Doesn’t matter. She’s dead.”
Ah fuck, I almost went into cardiac arrest.
I wanted to go into cardiac arrest.
It’ll save me from finishing it .
Glancing at the door, he bit his bottom lip as if problem-solving whatever little issue he had. Bracing his shoulders, he said, “Answer me. Did this girl—the same girl you tried to shoot yourself over—love you in return?”
“Screw you and screw your questions.” My temper reached its tipping point. “And before you ask for the hundredth time. Yes , alright. Yes, she loved me. I still don’t understand how or why, but she did. Thanks so fucking much for rubbing my face in the fact that she’s the only one who’s ever cared about me, and now she’s—”
“Did you hurt her?” He looked at his hands resting on his legs. “And before you refuse to answer, I will ask a second time. Did. You. Hurt. Her?”
It was my turn to stare at my hands. I gave up trying to ignore him. It would be quicker to answer him. A few intolerable moments of conversation and then I could finally have eternal peace. “I did.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Do you really need to ask me that?”
He shifted on the edge of my bed. “Did she forgive you?”
I sucked in a tattered breath. My eyes ached. “She didn’t just forgive me. She understood me.” I cleared my throat. “She accepted me. She—” My voice cut off with a choke. I merely shook my head.
Q glanced at me, seeing whatever I couldn’t hide. Seeing my shame. My sorrow. And every moment I’d been cruel and abusive, all while Ily forgave me.
Finally, he asked gently, “Do you wish you’d died on that island? Are you angry with me for preventing you from pulling the trigger?”
I prepared to lie.
I couldn’t do it.
“You want the truth? I’m furious.” I clawed at the drip, ripping the needle out of my arm, unable to have it keeping me alive when I had no intention of doing so. “Actually, I’m fucking livid. But it’s fine. I’m fine. You can go find your wife and let me rest now. I’m done talking.”
A soft curse fell from his lips. “We might not know each other, Onn Ree, but…let me tell you that you can’t lie for shit. Apparently, when it comes to matters of the heart, I can’t either.”
“ Onn Ree. Do you love her? Perhaps finger her and show her how much .”
Blocking my father’s voice out, a savage chill shot down my back. “Don’t call me that. It’s Henri.”
He nodded. “Henri.”
“And I’m not lying. I’m tired, and I want to sleep.”
“You just admitted you wanted to die.”
“Yes well, I didn’t, did I?”
“But you still want to.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Just leave, alright? You have my gratitude. If you agree to contact Paavak’s family and…Il…” Wiping my mouth with a shaky hand, I forced myself to be strong. “If you’ll contact Paavak’s and Ily’s family and give them closure, then I can rest easy.”
“You can die, you mean.”
“No, I—”
“I’ve already contacted Ilyana Sharma’s family. She gave me her name months ago, remember?” His green eyes glinted in the gloom. “On the phone?”
“Yes.” My voice cooled even further. Any colder and he’d be chipping icicles off his floor. “I remember.”
I remembered cradling her close after Victor backhanded her to the floor.
I remembered Victor claiming I had a silly crush when the truth was, I was already unbearably in love with her.
“I contacted her father at the hospital she mentioned that very day,” Q said. “I know I shouldn’t have, but I promised him I would return his daughter.”
“So he’s expecting her coffin to arrive any day now?”
Fuck me, the pain.
The sheer unsurvivable pain.
“I’m hoping it won’t come to that.” He slapped his thighs and stood. “Are you strong enough to walk? I think I’ve made yet another mistake.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What mistake?”
“I need to show you something.”
The thought of getting out of bed…of walking and living when I was so close to being free.
Not interested.
I forced a yawn. “I think I’m just going to sleep for a bit, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Sleep? Yeah right.” He crossed his arms. “I know exactly what you’re planning to do the moment my back is turned.”
I froze.
He towered over me, his sheer presence shoving me against my pillows. “I see it as plain as day in your eyes.”
“See what?”
“That you’re done.”
I jolted.
He’d stolen the words right out of my head.
Before I could deny, he sneered, “I don’t know how you’ll do it, but you will. Know how I know? I know because I’ve been there. I’ve suffered the loss of love. And it fucking butchered me.”
Glancing at the empty doorway where his wife had stood, I scowled. Had he loved another before her? How was that possible? They moved like orbiting planets around each other.
I couldn’t imagine him with anyone else. Loving someone else.
Fury tore through me. “If this is you trying to console me by saying I’ll love someone else one day, save it. Ily was mine. I don’t want anyone else. I will never —”
“I’m not saying that,” Q cut in. “I’m saying I lost Tess because I failed her. She walked out that door, and I let her. I planned on drinking myself to death.” Shoving his fists onto either side of my pillow, he grinned, “But I had a friend punch some goddamn sense into me. Just like I’m about to do to you. Thanks to that little fist-awakening, I went after her. I fought for her. I did something I didn’t think I was capable of all because of love.”
“You’re a fucking bastard, you know that?” I shoved him away. Fury turned to rage, and I found enough strength to swoop out of bed and stand.
I almost fell.
I blacked out for a second.
I hurt.
Fuck, everything hurt.
But I only had eyes for my heartless brother. “Don’t you think I’d fight for Ily if she’d just left me? Christ, you let Tess walk out the door! But I would’ve gotten on my motherfucking knees to prevent Ily from ever crossing the threshold. You needed a friend to punch sense into you? Fuck that, I know what I had. I know how lucky I was. I know how miraculous and rare our connection was. Don’t you get it?! I can’t do this without her. I don’t want to. So how about you leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with it!”
My knees gave out.
He smirked as he caught my elbow and held me steady. “Alright then. No punching required.”
Nausea squeezed my throat.
I wanted to be sick, not because of something I’d done but because of all the things I hadn’t. What would I give to have such trivial problems such as a misunderstanding or hardship? What would I trade to hold her again?
I knew what I would give.
I’d give my very life because it wasn’t worth a goddamn thing without her.
“Let me go,” I hissed. “Better yet, give me a knife and lock the door. Come back later.”
“I have a better idea.” Q tugged me toward the door. “Death can wait.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’m so glad to get to know you too, brother.” Q chuckled, his fingers pinching my elbow.
I fought his hold.
I tripped and almost fell.
“For God’s sake,” he huffed. “I believe you.” Slinging my casted arm over his shoulders, he clutched me close. “I believe you that you can’t live without her. And I won’t force you to. If you still want a knife after this…then fine. I’ll bring you the sharpest dagger I own.”
I panted hard as the hole in my side screamed.
My whip lashes howled.
But everything vanished as Q whispered, “You say you’re ready to fight for her…then stop fighting me and let me show you.”
The way he studied me.
The flicker in his eyes.
My anger petered out as grief pounced thickly.
I sagged in his hold and nodded. “Show me.”