Chapter 14 #3
We sat down by the flames, hues of orange dancing in her brown eyes.
The fire crackled and popped, sending sparks into the night sky like fireflies dancing away from their glowing hearth.
The warmth enveloped us, creating a cocoon of comfort on the chilly beach.
I sat on a driftwood log, legs crossed, watching the flames dance as shadows played across Yesoh’s face, illuminating her features in soft, flickering light.
“So again, can I ask you something?” I broke my silence.
“I’m already being held against my will so you might as well!”
“Do you think I look like a guy?” I asked suddenly, the question slipping out before I could stop it.
Yesoh looked at me, her brow furrowing slightly. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice gentle and curious, as if she were peeling back the layers of my thoughts to find the core.
“I mean, do I look like a guy to you?” I reiterated, my heart racing with the vulnerability of the question. “Like, when you think of guys, do I fit the picture?”
“What the…” she wondered
“Forget it, it’s rather stupid,” I responded quietly, glancing away from both the burn of the fire and my own embarrassment.
I had no business asking Yesoh that, but I needed answers from someone I knew was unbiased and wouldn’t use it against me.
She studied me for a moment, her dark eyes reflecting the firelight, a flicker of surprise dancing in them. “Wynter, last I checked you’re definitely a guy. You’ve got the height, the build, and the way you carry yourself. You’re just you. There’s no ‘one way’ to be a guy.”
“But do you think I’m…too soft?” I asked, my voice dropping to a whisper as I played with the hem of my shirt. “I mean, I’ve been teased about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m not tough enough, not what people expect. Maybe it’s the sport I practice.”
Yesoh shook her head, her expression serious. “That doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be tough to be a guy. Look at how you treat people, how you listen, and how you care. Those are qualities that make you strong.”
“It’s a harsh realization that I don’t think I will ever really be one of the boys, as they say here in the US,” I explained to her. “I feel that exclusion constantly.”
“I can understand that. But that doesn’t mean you have to care,” she scoffed as if it were the easiest thing in the world.
She was so young, yet so intelligent. Something I never was at fourteen.
I felt the weight of her words settle into me, warming the corners of my doubt like the fire warming the night air. “But I don’t want to be seen as weak,” I admitted. “I don’t want to be looked down on or seen as a joke.”
“Is this because of Cahya and Jax?” Yesoh asked suddenly, her voice sharper, her eyes narrowing as she leaned closer. “Did they say something to you? Because if they did, I swear I’m going to—”
“It’s not just them,” I interjected, trying to ease her anger, but it only seemed to fuel the fire in her eyes. “It’s just the way I feel, you know? They joke about it all the time. I’m aware they don’t mean anything by it, but it gets to me.”
“Wynter, you shouldn’t have to carry that weight because of their stupid jokes,” she said, her frustration evident. “They need to understand how their words affect you. I’m tired of them making you feel less than what you are. Cahya especially because he’s your best friend. It’s not okay.”
She was rather passionate about it; I wondered where on earth that all came from.
I blinked, surprised by her intensity. It was rare to see Yesoh so fired up, and it made me feel both grateful and unsettled. “I appreciate it, but they’re just trying to mess around. I know they don’t mean it like that.”
“But they should know better!” she insisted, her voice rising slightly. “You’re not just a punchline, Wynter. You deserve to be seen for who you are, not how someone thinks you should look or act.”
I felt a warmth wash over me, a mixture of embarrassment and gratitude. “Thanks, Yesoh. But I don’t want to cause problems between us. I don’t want to make them feel bad for just being themselves.”
“Yes, but it’s not fair to you,” she said, crossing her arms in defiance. “You’re one of the most genuine people I know, and if they can’t see that, then they need to step back and rethink their own skewed idea of masculinity. You don’t have to fit into their mold to be a guy.”
I sighed, the tension in my chest easing just a bit. Yesoh always had this way of cutting through my spirals, grounding me when I felt lost. “It’s just hard sometimes,” I said, staring into the flames. “I wish I could just be like everyone else, you know?”
“Being ‘like everyone else’ isn’t what makes you unique,” she replied, her voice softening.
“Embrace who you are, even if it doesn’t fit a stereotype.
You’re more than just how you look or how others perceive you.
You’re kind, you’re thoughtful, and you’re passionate. Those things matter so much more.”
I looked at her, her sincerity washing over me like the tide creeping closer to our feet. “Thanks, Yesoh. I really needed to hear that.”
She smiled, a warmth that rivaled the fire’s glow. “Anytime, Wynter. You’re a great guy, just as you are. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”
In that moment, I felt a glimmer of hope. The fire danced in front of us, illuminating the night and reminding me that sometimes, it took a gentle push from someone who believed in me to find my way back to myself.
Dear diary, I think that I have grown to be okay with this fact, that I will never be one of the boys. And I think I’m okay with that.