Chapter 9 Diesel
NINE
DIESEL
Makenna doesn’t push me away, even though she should.
It’s a fucking miracle I don’t deserve, and I hold onto it like a drowning man.
Shit. I could have lost her. I still might.
My chest feels carved open, a hollow pit where certainty used to live.
I thought I was protecting her, but all I did was push her away.
The air between us feels fragile, like one wrong move might screw everything up even more. I swallow the scream trapped behind my ribcage, too scared to make a sound while she’s still in my arms.
If she walks, I won’t survive. I’ll shatter. There won’t be anything left of me worth saving.
I stroke my knuckles along her face, needing to touch her. She’s pale, dark smudges under her eyes, and damp streaks down her cheeks. Tears I caused.
My hands tremble. I’m bleeding love and fear in equal measure. How did I fuck this up so much? I almost broke the only thing that’s ever made sense to me.
“I don’t know where we go from here,” she admits in a small voice.
“I fix things with the club, and we get on with our lives.” I say it firmly, as if that can make it happen.
“You told the truth, and I appreciate that, Zane, but it doesn’t magically erase everything that’s happened.”
Static is building in my skull, a kind of panicked desperation. Every breath feels like inhaling razorblades. “You’re not leaving me.” I don’t mean to snarl it, but I do.
“Zane—” she says my name like she’s already bleeding from a wound I can’t see.
“No.” My breath catches. “Please, firefly. Don’t walk away from me.”
I’ve never begged for anything in my life, but I’ll get on my knees for her. She opens her mouth, but whatever she’s about to say is swallowed by the sound of my phone ringing.
She blinks, like she’s trying to hold back the tears wanting to fall and tries to step away so I can answer it. I don’t let her. I hold her tighter, like I can fuse our bones together.
“Please,” I repeat. “I can’t do this without you.”
Her fingers tremble in mine as I hold her. “The only way this works is if there’s no more lies between us.”
“Okay.” I’ll agree to any terms she puts down.
I’m not a man without her. I’m just a wreckage in leather and denim.
I kiss her forehead, my lips lingering too long.
I can’t bring myself to pull back. I want to keep her in this moment, etch it into the fucking stars.
“Don’t ever run from me again. I can’t stand not knowing if you are safe. ”
“Then don’t give me a reason to.”
My phone quietens and then immediately starts ringing again.
“They keep calling, Zane. It could be important.”
My hand wraps around the nape of her neck. “I don’t give a shit about anything but you.”
Her eyes close for a second, like those words punch through every wall she’s built to protect herself from me.
“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words again and mean them.”
I blink back tears, my throat clogged with raw pain that I ever let her believe she isn’t the reason I exist.
She shivers, wrapping her arms around herself. The fine hair stands on end. She’s cold.
I cross my arms over my body, seize the hem of my hoodie and take it off.
“What are you—” Her words cut off as I slip it over her head and when her eyes reappear, she’s watching me like she’s not sure whether to cry or collapse.
She doesn’t stop me as I fuss, guiding her arms into the sleeves like she’s a child. It’s too big for her, hanging off her small frame, reminding me just how fragile she is compared to me.
I settle it on her shoulders until there are no seams in the places that annoy me. She tucks her hands into the sleeves and curls into herself, like she’s trying to breathe me in.
“I could’ve gone and got a sweater out of my bag,” she grumbles, but there’s no heat in it.
She could have, but I want her in my things. Taking care of her is the only thing I can do.
“Now you don’t need to.”
“But you’ll be cold.”
“I’m not the one shivering, firefly.”
She wraps her arms around herself, the hoodie swallowing her. “You used to hate it when I stole your hoodies.”
I don’t know why she would think that. Seeing her in my clothes unlocks that primal need in me.
“I never hated you wearing my stuff,” I say. “I was just…” I rake a hand through my hair before I let the word land. “Jealous.”
She blinks, then narrows her eyes, wary. “Of what?”
I pause, unsure how to say this without sounding unhinged. You’re on the edge of losing her. Just say it.
“That it wasn’t me wrapped around you.”
I’m pretty sure she stops breathing. “Zane…”
“Do you still want to leave me?” My words aren’t demanding, not even angry, just…
wrecked. Her chin wobbles and her lashes are damp when she peers up at me, and she’s bracing, as if she’s afraid of what I might do.
That guts me more than anything. She’s never dealt well with uncertainty.
I cut her off before she can break my heart out of my fucking chest. “No. Don’t.
I don’t think I can stand hearing you say it anyway. ”
I stare at a spot on the wall behind her until it blurs. I don’t want to let her go, but caging her… Forcing her to stay… That’s a slow death. It’s watching the person you love come to hate you and I can’t bear that.
“Give me tonight, firefly.”
Because I need that. I’m so desperate to hang onto her that’ll take whatever scraps she feeds me. As long as she is still with me I don’t care if she’s plotting my death.
Let her.
I don’t care if she thinks I’m a monster.
I am.
There’s a beat of silence that feels like it spans an eternity and then she nods. The knot in my chest loosens enough for me to breathe.
“I’ll stay, but I need to lie down,” she says. “I’m tired.”
Of me…
Of the situation…
I’m not sure which.
Not that it matters.
She’s unsteady on her feet, like she doesn’t have any strength left in her body.
I should give her space, but I can’t let her out of my sight. I follow her, my hands hovering at her hips, in case she stumbles. She grips the banister like she doesn’t trust her own legs, but she makes it upstairs without falling.
The sigh she lets out when she sinks onto the bed makes my own knees wobble. I hate seeing Makenna so distressed.
She hooks a finger around the handcuffs still latched to the headboard, a symbol of how far I’ll go to keep her—how far I already have.
I wish I knew what she was thinking, but her face gives nothing away as she lies down, curling as small as she can.
“Are you just going to loom in the corner of the room?”
“Yes.”
“Just… lie down with me. You’re making me nervous.”
I don’t want the hope to bloom in my chest, but it does. I lie next to her, aware of every inch of her body. Then Makenna turns her back to me, and my stomach sinks.
It’s not rejection, at least I don’t think so. She’s bracing, like she’s afraid I’ll give her a reason to leave again.
But fuck, it hurts. She would normally snuggle up to me like a cat, her head on my chest, her arms wrapped around me as if trying to anchor us together. It wrecks me that she doesn’t do that now.
I stare at the ceiling, my mind empty. It’s like I’m standing on a battlefield and the fighting has stopped. It’s the calm silence before more bombs fall, not a cease-fire. It’s the sharp intake of breath before the screaming and bleeding starts again.
“You’re not going to cuff me to the bed, are you?” she asks.
“Not if you’re staying.”
There’s a beat, then she says, “I’m staying.” It comes out quiet, barely more than a whisper, wrapped in exhaustion.
I want to fall to my knees in gratitude.
Eventually, her breath evens out and I listen to her sleep. She doesn’t sound relaxed, just… done.
Makenna turns in her sleep, and I freeze as her arm wraps around my middle. Her fingers slide around my hip, gripping me like she’s scared to let go.
I hold my breath as her head rests on my chest, just like always, and I shouldn’t, but I wrap my arms around her and press my lips into her hair.
Peace spreads through me, even if it’s uneasy. For now, she’s still mine, and I’ll do everything I can to keep her, even if it means fighting against the men I once called brothers.