Chapter 13
13
Weston
T he walk to my mother’s hospital room seemed longer than any of the other times I visited. My heart thumped out of my chest. Taja kept a tight hold on my hand as she guided me up to my mother’s room. She was keeping her word, and it wasn’t going unnoticed. We were steps away from her room, and I stopped walking, causing Taja to stop as well. She turned around, facing me.
“Need a moment? I know this is tough. Take your time. We don’t have to rush.” She squeezed my hand.
My throat was tight and filled with pain. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded my head. She smiled softly and pulled my hand. Taja knocked on the door before opening it.
“Hi,” she softly voiced, making our presence known.
Rae was sitting in the chair beside my mother’s body. Keezy stood behind her, softly rubbing on her shoulder. Rae looked up, and the look on her face sent a blow to my body. She was defeated. It was hard for me to lose my mother, but for Rae, I could only imagine the pain she was feeling. She was going from seeing and being with her every day to not seeing her anymore.
“Hi, Taja,” she mumbled through her tear-stained face. She looked at me and said nothing. She turned her head back to my mother.
Taja looked back at me. She leaned over and whispered, “Go over there. Take your time and say what you have to say. Don’t hold back.” She placed a peck on my lips.
Before I made my way over to my mama, I took a deep breath. Mentally, I kept telling myself I could do this. I slowly moved in closer. The tubes were no longer coming from her body, and she looked to be at peace. I got choked up seeing her form, knowing that she was no longer there. I reached for her hand. Even though I knew it was cold, I kept telling myself it was warm and there was life there. I pulled her hand to my lips, kissing it.
“If I could rewind time, I would do so many things differently. The first thing I would tell you is that I love you. Thank you for everything, no matter how big or small. It’s not a day that has gone by when I didn’t think about you.” I looked over at Rae. “And Rae too. I was stubborn. You just wanted your baby boy, and I was too dumb to realize that. It was never the money. I’m sorry I made myself believe that. I spent so much time trying to buy y’all instead of being with y’all.” I wiped at my face, trying to wipe away the fallen tears.
“In honor of you, Mama, I won’t let the time get away from me no more. Forgive me.” I fell onto her body, constantly telling her I was sorry.
My shoulders shook as I cried out for my mother. The pain of not trying to fix the damage I caused was killing me. All of me wanted this to be a dream. My mind wanted to believe that my mother would wake up and say she was playing a prank, but my heart knew this was no joke.
“Wes, man, I’m sorry for you and Rae’s loss. If there is anything I can do, let me know,” Keezy said, walking over toward me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
I nodded my head instead of speaking. There was nothing he could do. He didn’t have the power to bring my mother back.
“Wes, we need to discuss arrangements,” Rae stated.
I looked back at my mother. I shook my head. “Nah, I’m not discussing anything. Her body ain’t even cold yet, Rae!”
She let out an aggravated breath. “I can’t deal with him right now! I’m doing what Mama and I discussed. Regardless of how shitty you acted toward her, she still wants to include you even in her afterlife.” Rae stormed out of the room, leaving me there in shame.
“I’ll go check on her,” Keezy informed us, walking out of the room.
Taja was beside me in a matter of seconds, holding my hand.
“I’m so sorry, Wes.”
“I was a horrible son. I never got to tell her I was sorry.” I fell into Taja’s arms, sobbing.
* * *
I could hear Taja in the bathroom on the phone with Rae. Once the hospital came and wheeled my mother’s body to the morgue, I ran out of the hospital. Taja was right on my heels. I didn’t even bother asking Rae about the arrangements. I laid in bed, trying to stop my mind from trying to figure out how to fix this. It was troubling me because there was no solution. There was nothing I could do to bring her back.
The bathroom door opened, and Taja softly called my name.
“Wes?” she called.
My attention remained on the ceiling. My voice was gone, my spirit had disappeared, and the fight in me no longer existed. There was nothing about my life that felt real.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
I still didn’t answer her. She came and sat down beside me. She rubbed my leg up and down. Usually, Taja’s touch would make me feel better, but this time, the pain was too deep and powerful.
“I know this is something you don’t want to hear, but Rae asked me to tell you. Your mother requested no burial. She wants to be cremated. She wanted her ashes spread in a nice place. She did request that you both keep some of her ashes. Per your sister, your mother wants to be with you both for every walk of your life.”
More tears flowed down my face. It wasn’t the same. I wanted my mother here in physical form, no other way.
“After she finishes all the paperwork, she is going to start the cremation process.” She sighed. “It would be nice if you were by your sister’s side during this time. Y’all both will need each other during this time.”
“Taja, I don’t feel like hearing that shit right now.” I sighed, feeling myself getting annoyed.
“I know, Weston, but losing a parent is hard.”
I sat up. “And how the fuck would you know?”
I was annoyed with people telling me what to do. All I wanted to hear was my mother was a walking miracle, not that she wanted her ashes spread.
“You lost a fuck ass nigga, that couldn’t even afford a car. So don’t talk to me about losing shit!”
“Weston, what does that have to do with anything?”
“A lot, damn it. You don’t understand losing.”
“How do you know? Losing a person, regardless of how things happen, is heartbreaking.”
I scoffed and fanned her away. “You don’t get this shit, Taja, that was my fucking mother. I had burned a bridge with her.”
“I get that, and I get that you’re angry about everything, but right your wrongs by showing up now and honoring her. Be there for your sister, and by doing that, you need to apologize. You said some horrible shit to her.”
“Goddamn, Taja! I don’t feel like hearing that shit right now.”
She frowned at me. “I get it you’re upset, and you’re grieving right now, but I won’t be your goddamn punching back. Get your shit together, Weston. All I’m trying to do is to be there for you.”
Taja stood from the bed and made her way to the door.
“I’m going to give you some space before things go left.” She slammed the door on her way out.
* * *
I wasn’t sure how long I had slept, but I was still in the same position I had been in before I went to sleep. It hurt to wake up knowing my life had significantly changed. The hardest thing was accepting I would never see my mother again. I was broken and there was nothing I could do about it. I lost this battle. It had been a while since I was this defeated, and this was taking its toll.
I walked out of the room in search of Taja. She was sitting in the living room eating a bowl of popcorn. She looked beautiful in her sweatpants and oversized hoodie. Her hair was sitting on top of her head, and her face was clear of makeup.
The type of person Taja was, you could never come across them in a million years. Her heart was pure and innocent. She showed up for anyone, regardless of if you showed up for her. She was a person of her word, which was what I admired about her the most. Then, on top of all that, she was breathtaking, perfectly crafted by God from the top of her head to her toe. A jewel in this evil, shitty world. She deserved nothing but amazing things.
“You feeling okay?” she asked as soon as she noticed me.
Even after the way I talked to her, she still checked on me. I didn’t deserve someone like Taja. I was too damaged. The baggage I carried was too heavy. It wouldn’t be fair to pollute her life with my problems.
I sat down beside her and put my head in my hands.
“That’s a dumb question to ask. I ordered Chinese food. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I got a variety of everything.”
“Taja—”
She stopped talking. I lifted my head up and looked into her eyes.
“What is it? You don’t want Chinese?”
I sighed. “Taja, I’m going to ask you to leave.”
“Huh?” she asked, her eyes opening wide.
“It’s best if you just get your stuff and leave. I’m no good to you right now. The way I talked to you earlier wasn’t nice. I know it’s only going to get worse. I’m all over the place. I’m not even sure how to grieve. You’re going to end up in the crossfire, and I don’t want that.”
“Wes—”
I stood up from my chair. This was harder for me than I thought. I wanted to reach down and wrap her in my arms. I wanted to kiss her face and tell her I didn’t mean what I just said. However, I cared that much about her to protect her from my wrath.
“There is nothing left to discuss, Taja. Get your things.”
“Wes, I promised your sister I would look out for you. Shit, I promised you I will look out for you. If you need space, I’ll stay out here,” she countered.
My back stayed turned to her. I knew if I looked at her, I would crumble.
“I need you gone, Taja.”
She called my name as I walked out of the room. As soon as I made it to my office, I shut the door and locked it. The tears began to build and then fall.
* * *
It had been a week since I left my house. It had been a week since I did anything. I spent most of my days in bed, in the bathroom, and grabbing more liquor from the cabinet. Every time I shut my eyes, I dreamed of life before everything changed.
Every Sunday, my mama, Rae, and I would have a big breakfast around the kitchen table, just the three of us. I remembered her coming home worn out from work but still making the time to make sure she heard about our day. We might not have had a lot back then, but looking back, it seemed big to me.
My phone kept ringing nonstop, yet I didn’t answer it. I hadn’t let my job know what was going on, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I was fired. I didn’t care. There was nothing that mattered to me any longer. My sleep schedule was off. I spent most of the day sleeping and staying up, drinking all night into the early morning. It was 2:05 a.m., and just like clockwork, I was making my way to the liquor cabinet. The habit I gained of opening the cabinet door, removing the top, and chugging from the bottle was second nature. The liquid burned my throat. This was a relief despite everything that had transpired, yet it wasn’t enough. All I wanted to do was call Taja. I longed for her. I wanted to call and apologize for the way I spoke to her, but I knew Taja, and I knew she wouldn’t even look at me after the way I spoke to her. Grief had a weird way of taking over your body.
In the middle of my taking another swig from the bottle, there was a loud banging at the door, scaring me, which caused me to drop the bottle. The bottle shattered, and glass was everywhere. The smell of whiskey filled the room like a scented candle.
“Fuck!” I cursed.
I marched over toward the door, looking through the peephole. Keezy stood outside the door, looking uneasy. It was strange that he was here at the time, and his body language had me on guard.
“What’s up, Keezy? What the hell are you doing here this late?” I asked, still looking through the peephole.
“Man, I’m worried about you. I’ve been calling and calling, and you ain’t been answering. I’m worried about you,” he repeated.
“I’m cool. You ain’t have to come over here. Shit, especially at this time.”
“Well, at least let me see that you’re good.”
I contemplated the request for a few seconds, then finally opened the door.
“See?” I held my arms out in front of me. “I’m good.”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a slap came across my head. I winced in pain, grabbing the side of my head.
“What the fuck?” I shouted.
“I should’ve hit you harder!” Rae stood there with a mean mug on her face. “I should’ve been beating your ass, but our mother wanted to spare you.” She scowled at me. “Move out of the way.”
She pushed past me. She marched into my condo as if she owned it. While still holding my head, I looked at Keezy, who was trying his best to hold in his laugh.
“The fuck? You brought her over here?”
He nodded, walking in. “Hell yeah, you see how she is when she is mad. I was not getting caught in the crossfire.”
“Punk ass,” I said, walking away from him.
By the time I reached my sister, she was studying the sight in front of her. Her nose was scrunched up, and her hands were on her hips.
“Rae, what is it?”
She shot her eyes at me. “Are you fucking serious, Wes?”
I cringed at her tone. She was pissed off beyond measure.
“What you talking about?”
She waved her arms in the air. “Look at this nasty ass place! The air smells like ass, liquor, and spoiled food! If this is your way of grieving, then you need to get help.”
I rolled my eyes. “Rae, I don’t feel like hearing this shit right now.”
“You think I give a fuck?” She looked at Keezy. “Key, do me a favor, find a broom, and sweep some of this stuff up while I talk to this jackass.”
Like a dog being told what to do, Keezy did as Rae said. I looked back and forth between the two. There was something between them. Keezy didn’t take kindly to people telling him what to do, but his doing whatever Rae asked with a smile was shocking. I didn’t care enough to address it at the moment. There were other things I could be worried about.
“Rae, what is it that you want?” I asked.
“I need you more than anything right now, Wes. I can’t do this shit by myself. Ma wanted us to work together and get back to how we were before shit went down. It’s all in her will.”
“Rae, please do whatever you want to do. I can’t and won’t. Shit, she died thinking I hated her, and she probably hated me too.” I felt my voice cracking.
Rae gasped. “Weston, Mama didn’t hate you, nor did she think that. She knew how you were, and she actually loved that about you. She would always brag about how strong you were, how you stood your ground, and went after everything that meant something to you. You are her baby boy. She understood how frustrating it could be to have people constantly asking for things. That’s why she did the DNR. She wanted us to continue living and not have to take care of her.”
I sighed, feeling the tears preparing to fall. Rae letting me know my mother didn’t hate me was a small sigh of relief.
“I-I didn’t get to say sorry.” No longer being able to hold the tears, I let them fall.
Rae sniffed. “She knew you didn’t mean any of it. Mama knew how her Tank Head was. Hard on the outside but a softie on the inside. The day you left the house, she watched you walk to the car. She watched you drive away and still had a smile on her face. It pissed me off so bad. I was calling you everything but a child of God.” She chuckled. “But that lady didn’t like for people to talk bad about her baby boy. She told me to stop and to understand that you are a work in progress. You were angry and just wanted to feel love without involving money. She always wished you well and prayed for you every day and night. She hoped you found someone who makes you realize that money ain’t everything and you can be loved. She wanted that wall torn down.”
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep up wiping my face and crying. My mother never stopped loving me. She never stopped praying for me. She remained my mother even when I stopped being her son. Rae stared at me with soft eyes. She had to witness my mother loving me and me being a jackass to them both. No, I couldn’t go back and right my wrongs with my mother, but I could start with Rae. I made my way closer to her. I didn’t even wait for her to accept the hug I was giving her. I immediately wrapped her in, pulling her close to me.
“Rae, I’m so sorry for everything. Shit, even leading up to having to drive all the way over here. Let me fix this.” She shifted in my arms, but I didn’t let go.
“Not like that. Let me be by your side for the rest of the days to come. We do this together, please.”
She said nothing. She stood there in my embrace. Seconds later, she wrapped her arms around me and sobbed.
“I got you, Rae,” I affirmed through my tears. “I got us, sis. I promise.”