Chapter 6
6
AGE 16
“ D illon, can I come in?” Ma asks, knocking on the door but waiting to open it.
“Yeah.” I sigh, closing my notepad and preparing for the speech I know is coming. I’ve been expecting it since I was almost expelled from school on Monday.
Ma quietly opens the door and slips into my bedroom carrying a white envelope in her hand. Now that Shane is living in a house with his girlfriend, Fiona, and Ciarán is in college in Galway, Ro and I finally have our own bedrooms. I never minded rooming with my chill little bro, but it’s sick having my own space.
I scoot up the bed, resting my back against the headboard as Ma sits on the edge of my mattress. Her hand lifts to the purple-black mess that is my current face. With gentle fingers, she tips my chin up, examining my swollen nose. It’s broken in three places, but thankfully, there isn’t serious damage, and it’ll heal in a few weeks. I’ve been icing it and taking paracetamol for the pain. At least I don’t have a broken jaw like Ross Kenmare. He needs surgery, and he’s been told it could take up to six months for his jaw to fully heal. Fucker won’t be able to speak for a few weeks, and I’m betting the whole of CCA is secretly patting me on the back for putting that dickhead in his place.
How was I to know Megan was lying when she said her and Ross were on another break? Those two are as on-again, off-again as Cillian and Ash. I never would’ve fucked Megan if I’d known she was still with Ross. I’m an asshole, in many ways, but I don’t tolerate cheating, and I’m pissed Megan lied.
“Is it still hurting?” Ma asks, yanking me out of my head.
“Nah,” I lie. “It’s not too bad.” It’s worse at night when I lie down, so I haven’t been doing much sleeping. It’s just as well I’m suspended from school for two weeks.
“Your father and Shane met with Ross’s parents, and they’ve agreed to drop all this nonsense talk of suing you.”
“I wasn’t worried.” I run my hands through my messy hair. “He hit me first. It was self-defense.”
“I know you didn’t have a choice, but you broke his jaw, Dillon, and he’s facing months of recovery time.”
“Maybe next time, he’ll shut his stupid gob.” My fingers fist the duvet as I recall our argument. I said some horrible things about Megan that weren’t nice, but the dickhead was making out like I took advantage of his girl when the truth is she was the one who initiated sex. He hit me when I said it wasn’t my fault his bird was a cheating slut, and I laughed until he started spewing personal shit about me.
Everyone knows you fuck around ’cause you’ve got mommy issues.
Poor little Dillon, his real mommy and daddy didn’t want him, and now he’s looking for someone to love him, but no one gives a shit.
Everyone knows the O’Donoghues only took you in out of pity.
Girls only want you for one thing.
No one wants to keep you because you’re damaged goods, O’Donoghue.
You’re a pathetic loser.
We were punching one another in between his insults, but things took a serious turn when he slammed my face into the wall and busted up my face and broke my nose. Rage, unlike anything I’ve felt before, consumed me, and I grabbed his head and bounced it off the wall like a fucking ball. It’s a miracle I didn’t kill the fucker.
“Love.” Ma’s hands are warm against my cheeks. “Talk to me, please.”
“That prick deserved it, and I’m not sorry.”
“Violence is not the answer, Dillon. Ash told me the things he said, and it’s unforgivable, but you should have walked away. Ignoring bullies is the best way to handle them.”
“I’m sixteen, not six, Ma. The only way to handle bullies is to beat the shit out of them.” Pain flares in her eyes, and I hate I’m so often the cause of it. “You should’ve given me back when you had the chance.”
“Don’t talk rubbish, Dillon. You were not a choice. You were fate. The moment I held you in my arms, you were mine , and that hasn’t changed.” She moves in closer. “You were always meant to be with us, and as long as there is air in my lungs, I’ll never stop trying to prove that to you.” She places her hand over my chest. “You’re as much mine as Ro, Shane, Ciarán, and Ash are, Dillon. There is no difference in my heart. What can I do to make you believe that?”
Tears well in her eyes. “You’re my son, and I love you so damn much. It breaks my heart to see you hurting yourself with false truths. You are loved. Wholly and completely. There might have been moments where I’ve wanted to give all of you back at some point, but I wouldn’t trade you or your siblings or our family for anything.”
I wipe a tear from her eye. “Don’t cry, Ma. You know how much I hate it.”
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. The way we all see you.”
“I cause you nothing but trouble and pain.”
A sob rips from her mouth. “That is not true. You’ve always had so much spirit, Dillon. You’re so full of life, but you feel things so deeply. Deeper than any of my other kids.” She pats my chest. “You take things to heart so intensely. It can be a good thing and a bad thing. You’re too stubborn for your own good, but you have the biggest heart. The way you care for your brothers and sister is beautiful. You moan about doing chores, yet you’re the first one to lend a hand when your da or me needs it. I don’t like you fighting, but you’re always fighting for the underdog or defending yourself or your siblings. You don’t look for trouble, son, it just seems to find you.”
“I’m sorry for always causing problems for you.” I avert my eyes, staring at the duvet as that empty void inside me grows wider. I hate disappointing my parents, and I’m always doing it. I wish I was more like Shane or Ciarán or Ronan. Ro is a little mischief-maker, but everyone loves him, and he never resorts to using his fists if he gets in a fight. Ash and me are the temperamental ones. Even if she’s gotten into a few scraps herself, she’s got better self-control than me. I’m the only one they’re constantly called into the school office over. I know what Ma believes, but the truth is, their lives would be much easier and less stressful without me. They did this good deed, taking me in when my bio parents didn’t want me, and all I do is repay them in stress.
Some days, I really fucking hate myself. I wish I wasn’t like this, but there’s some self-destruct button inside me I can’t help pressing. The only time I truly feel at peace is when I’m with the band, songwriting, or playing my guitar. Music soothes my soul when little else does.
“Look at me, son.” She takes my hand and forces my gaze to hers. “I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, Dillon. You coming into our lives was a blessing. There is so much good in you and so much talent. I am proud of the man you are becoming.”
“You cannot mean that.” I point at my face. “Look what I did! I nearly got kicked out of school. I let my temper and anger take control instead of walking away and ignoring the prick.”
“I’m not happy about the fighting, you know that, Dillon, but it only defines you if you let it. I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we’re going to. You are internalizing all your feelings, and it’s not good for you, son. You’ve got to let it out. I know your music is an outlet, and it’s wonderful you have that, but you need to voice your feelings to deal with them. Shoving them into the furthermost corner of your mind is not healthy.”
She hands me the envelope. “Your Auntie Eileen left that for you.” Tears fill her eyes again, and I pull her into an awkward hug.
“I still can’t believe she’s gone,” I say. Ma’s only sister died last year from cancer. She worked for an adoption agency in London, and I’m here because of her. Auntie Eileen never married, and she came to us for Christmas every year, but I can’t say we were especially close. That said, Ma has been really upset since she passed, and we’ve all been trying our best to comfort her.
“Nor me.” She smiles through her tears as we break our embrace. “I never thought my younger sister would go before me. She still had so much living to do.”
I hand her a tissue from the box on my bedside locker.
“Thanks, love.” She dabs at her eyes and blows her nose before tossing the tissue in the bin. “Your aunt left instructions on how to find your bio parents, should you want to,” she tacks on the end when I open my mouth to protest. “You need to be eighteen to get your original birth certificate, but her friend at the agency will personally handle your case. You can reach out to her next year, and she’ll explain more.”
“They didn’t want me,” I hiss. “Why the fuck would I want to find them?”
“Dillon.” Ma holds my hand tight. “Your mother died giving birth to you, love.”
“What?” My entire body goes into shock.
“Your parents were American, and they were married. Your mother died, and I suppose your father didn’t feel like he could care for you on his own.”
I just stare at her, and the words float around my head, not fully landing.
“That’s as much as I know,” she says, answering the question before I’ve asked it. “They don’t give you specifics on purpose.”
“I’m American?” I blurt.
“You’ll always be Irish to me, but technically, yes. I’m guessing you’ll be able to get an American passport after you turn eighteen should you want to.”
“I don’t have any plans to do that or to look him up.” In some weird way, it actually helps knowing my bio mother didn’t give me up. It hits differently when it’s your mother.
“Grief is a powerful emotion,” Ma says. “I’ve often wondered if he regretted the decision he made.”
A harsh laugh erupts from my chest. “It can’t have been much of a marriage if he gave up the last remaining piece of his wife on this earth.”
“I’ve thought that too, but we don’t know the circumstances. Perhaps he couldn’t afford to raise a child on his own. Maybe he knew the best option for you to grow up with love was to give you away. There could be any number of reasons.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know because I have zero interest in looking for a man who didn’t want me.”
She runs her fingers through my hair. “That’s your choice, Dillon. I just want you to know should you change your mind, at any time in the future, we’ll support you. Don’t hold back out of fear of hurting us.”
I’m not lying when I say I don’t want to find my bio dad. He’s a dick, and I want nothing to do with him. But I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of it from time to time. The other reason I won’t ever look for him is Ma and Da. I couldn’t hurt them like that. I have messed up so much with my parents, but I never want them to feel like they’re not enough for me when they’re everything.
I would have nothing if they hadn’t stepped up, and I owe them so much.
More than this sorry pathetic excuse of a son they’ve ended up with.
The least I can do is honor them by not seeking out the man who threw me away like I was nothing.
She places a soft kiss on my cheek. “We’re secure in our love for you and your love for us, and whatever you need, you’ve got it. All I ask is that you tell us before you begin the process.” She places the envelope into the drawer of my locker. “Keep that safe. In case you change your mind.”
“I won’t.”
She smiles, squeezing my hand again. “You’re young, Dillon. There is plenty of time to think about it.” Leaning in, she kisses my brow. “You should rest before dinner. I know you’re having trouble sleeping.”
“I’ll try.” I crawl under the covers, and she tucks me in like she used to when I was little. Her adoring gaze warms all the frozen parts of me as she sweeps my hair back off my forehead.
I love you.
My heart is bursting with everything I feel for my ma, and I want to tell her. I know how much it would mean to her to hear me say these words after so long, but they just won’t come out. Whatever is broken inside me shows no signs of healing. Pain comingles with regret, frustration, and disappointment. I want to be so much better for my mum, but I don’t know how to fix this.
“Okay, love. Rest. I’ll send Ro to get you when dinner is ready.” Releasing my hand, she stands and walks towards the door. Ma stops and turns around, smiling softly at me. “I understand why you don’t want to meet your biological father, but I have always been so grateful to him.” Her eyes turn glassy. “You wouldn’t be my son if he hadn’t made that decision. My life would be infinitely less bright if he’d made a different decision. I don’t know if that helps or hurts, but I just wanted you to know.”