Chapter 16
16
AGE 17 TO 18
“ O h my god.” Ma slaps a hand over her chest, pinning me with a horrified stare as I take a seat around the dinner table. “What have you done?”
I don’t bother answering. Nothing I say will be right. I knew Ma wouldn’t be happy, but I didn’t do this for her.
“I like it. It’s very edgy,” Ash says, smiling as her gaze roams over my newly dyed white-blond hair before clocking the eyebrow, nose, and lip piercing. “Very rock ’n’ roll.”
“Why did you have to pierce your lovely skin?” Ma maintains the look of horror on her face as she examines my piercings. “You look like a member of a gang.”
Ash’s lips twitch. “Ma, lighten up. Loads of guys have piercings these days. Tattoos too. I was thinking of getting a stud in my nose.”
“You should do it,” I say, placing three thick-cut slices of beef on my plate. “It’d look cool with your hair.” Ash has embraced her pixie cut, and she’s determined to keep it that way. She said she’s never wearing her hair long again. Personally, I think she should wear it long to spite Cillian Doyle. He’s no longer around anyway. I wouldn’t let that prick take anything else from me, if I was her, but it’s her call. Either way, my sister looks beautiful. Her shorter hair showcases her pretty face. I’m guessing when we return to school she’ll have no shortage of offers, though I doubt Ash’ll be interested. She says she is turned off guys for life. It won’t last forever, but I think she’s right to avoid distractions and concentrate on school. She’s determined to go to Trinity next year.
“You’ll have even more birds fighting all over you.” Ro smirks. “Maybe I’ll transform myself too.”
“Over my dead body, Ronan O’Donoghue.” Ma waves her finger in his direction as she puts a large bowl of veggies on the table. “You are perfect the way you are. You don’t need to change a thing. The same goes for you, Dillon. I don’t understand why you had to do this.” She leans in with concern etched all over her face. “Are those green contacts?”
“Yeah,” I say, spooning a dollop of mashed potatoes on my plate. “What of it?” I challenge her with a look.
“You have such beautiful blue eyes. Why would you want to hide them?”
“Because I hate them!” I bark, slamming a spoonful of veggies onto my plate. “It’s my face, my body. I’ll do what the fuck I like, and you’d better get used to it as I plan to get lots of ink.” I’ve already booked an appointment with a guy in Bray who came recommended by Jono’s brother. He did his ink, and it looks sick.
“Dillon. You will watch your tone with your mother.” Da fixes me with a stern look that is rare. “We talked about this last week. You will not disrespect your mother or raise your voice at this table.”
“Fine.” My chair scrapes off the tiled floor as I push it back and stand. “I’ll leave.” I storm off with a chorus of voices calling after me.
I’m strumming on my guitar, trying to fit a melody to some new lyrics I’ve written, when Ash shows up.
“Open up, dumbass. I have food.”
I let her in and snatch the covered plate from her hands, ripping the tinfoil off and diving into the roast beef dinner I so stubbornly left behind. I was just about to order pizza when she showed up. She watches me quietly as I devour my dinner and lick the plate clean.
“How long are you going to stay out here?” she asks.
I shrug. “I dunno. If it had central heating and a shower and a microwave, I’d probably never go back inside the house.”
“I miss you.” She eyeballs me with solemn eyes. “If I promise to not ask you what’s wrong again. If I drop it, can we go back to being friends?” She audibly gulps. “We’re back to school in three days, and I feel sick at the thought of it. I can’t do it without you.”
Instinctively, I reach out and take her hand. “You’re still my best friend. You and Jay. And we won’t leave you to handle CCA alone. We’ve got your back. Always.”
The next few months roll by at a snail’s pace. It’s always the way when you’re itching for something to happen. I can’t wait to finish sixth year, do my Leaving, and then move into town. Simon sends me regular texts warning me to keep my mouth shut, which I ignore. I block his number every time, but he seems to have an endless supply of mobile phones and an annoying ability to send me into a red-hot rage.
I’m still consumed with anger and still struggling to handle all my emotions. The first few months of school are tough. It’s hard to care about something that means fuck all to me. So, I put zero effort in. I show up—because Ash needs me there—but I don’t do my homework, I refuse to do after-school study, and I’m rude to my teachers with zero fucks to give. I’m constantly in detention, and after getting into a fight with Kelly’s brother—when he spoke crap to Ash—I almost get expelled, but Shane manages to talk the school board around. Ash pleads with me not to do anything else, so I suck it up and stop with all the bullshit. She helps me with my homework, and we study together, and I try to keep my nose out of trouble.
I’m still wallowing in pain and self-loathing and still burying it with booze, weed, and birds at the weekends, but I find a way of living with it, and I stop taking my hurt out on my loved ones. Consequently, they stop nagging me to talk, and things settle down at home.
Ma is upset as I gradually ink my body, starting with my arms, and then I get a large tattoo of a scorpion tattooed on my back. It put a considerable dent in my savings, but it was worth it. I researched options for months until I settled on it. The symbolism—determination, rebirth, resilience—resonated most with me. When I look in the mirror, it’s a permanent reminder I can be whoever I want to be as long as I fight those who seek to tear me down. I’m not just the sum of the DNA that flows through my veins. I am my own person, and Simon Lancaster can do nothing about it. He doesn’t control me. I own every part of myself, even the cruel twisted parts, and I alone decide my actions and my fate. Every time I look at the scorpion, it reinforces my determination to fight back. It’s a reminder that one day vengeance will be mine.
Someday, somehow, I will pay Simon and Reeve back for the pain they continue to cause me. Someday, they will know what it feels like. I will find a way to make them suffer, and only then will I fully be reborn.
What’s most important now is when I look in the mirror, I see me .
I don’t see him.
It feels like the first victory of many.
Christmas comes and goes, and then it’s my eighteenth birthday. I celebrate with the band after our gig in Wicklow on Saturday, and Jamie and I go back to this older bird’s gaff where we take turns fucking her and her friend. Fun times. I stagger home in the early hours, high as a kite and drunk off my face, sporting a happy smile and a smug dick.
I told Ma I didn’t want a party, but of course, she didn’t listen to me. She throws a surprise party on Sunday night with all the family and extended family. Both sets of grandparents are here. Da’s parents traveled up from Kerry for the occasion. They shower me with presents, most of which are cards with cash, which is much appreciated. As everyone sings happy birthday to me and I blow out the candles on the large cake Ma and Ash made, I feel incredibly unworthy and full of shame for how I treated my family last year.
They didn’t deserve that. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and erase all the cruel things I said and hurtful things I did.
I’m helping Ma clean up the dishes after the party when I finally pluck up the nerve to apologize. “Ma.” I dry my hands on the tea towel after putting the last plate away in the press.
“Yes, love.”
“Thank you for the party and the presents and the cake.”
She beams up at me, her face shining with love. “You’re only eighteen once, and it needed to be celebrated properly.”
I’m not sure I agree. Every birthday feels tainted to me now knowing my twin is in L.A. celebrating his birthday as if I don’t exist. I wonder what he got for his eighteenth. Probably a luxury car or an apartment or something ridiculously expensive.
Whenever my mind wanders to Reeve, I think about all the ways in which our lives are different. I haven’t wanted for anything in my life, and I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but it’s not the same as growing up uber rich and having everything your heart desires at the click of your fingers. Resentment bubbles up my throat, like always, when I think about him. My twin has it so easy. He hasn’t had to battle with feelings of inadequacy and rejection for most of his life. He hasn’t had to hear our father say he wishes he’d never been born. He doesn’t live with the guilt that he murdered our mother.
“Love.” Ma cups my cheek. “Where’d you go?”
“I’m here.” I smile, batting my nerves away as I tentatively hug her. “I’m sorry, Ma,” I whisper as her arms automatically go around me and she squeezes me tight. “I’m sorry for everything.”
She chokes on a sob, and I hold her closer. “I know you are.”
“I didn’t mean any of those shitty things I said. I hate myself for being so cruel to you and everyone.”
Tears cling to her lashes as she clutches my face in her hands. “All that matters is you’re back to yourself. We were so worried, Dillon. I woke every morning not knowing if I’d find you the way you found Ash.” Her voice cracks, and tears spill down her cheeks. “Knowing your kids are hurting and you can’t do anything to help is one of the most soul-crushing things to endure. I feel like I failed both of you, and?—”
“No, Ma.” I shake my head. “You didn’t fail me or Ash. I was the one who failed you. It won’t happen again, I swear, and I never once thought about ending things, so put that worry from your mind.”
It’s the truth. I won’t give Simon and Reeve Lancaster the satisfaction of wiping myself from this planet. That’d make it too easy for those pricks. Besides, after everything that happened with Ash, I could never put my parents and my siblings through it again. I’m embarrassed I caused them more pain when they were still dealing with the aftermath of Ash’s pain. My sister is doing much better now, though she’s not fully back to herself, but she’s turned a corner, and we’re all relieved.
“I just want you to be happy. Health and happiness is all I want for my kids.” She brushes her fingers through my lighter-colored hair. She’s gotten used to my look, though she’s still not a fan of the ink or piercings, but she’s stopped giving me grief about it. “Are you happy yet, Dillon?”
“I’m getting there. I still have some other shit to sort out in my head, but I’m not unhappy.”
“I’m glad you have your music, and you know we’ll support you with your move to the city, but you’ve got to promise to ring me regularly, and I’ll expect you at Sunday dinner at least once a month.”
“I can do that.”
Before I know it, our exams are finished and I walk out of CCA for the last time feeling like a convict walking out of jail. We stick around Kilcoole during the summer while we apartment hunt in town. I want to ensure Ash gets her place in Trinity before we leave home. The Leaving Cert results come out, and miracle of miracles, I actually pass. I give my sister all the credit. Ash is the one who forced me to do homework and study with her. My sister gets five hundred and twenty points, and I’m so fucking proud of her. She’s in the top twenty percent for the entire country, and it’s a massive achievement. She’s gone through a lot in the past eighteen months, and she deserves all the good things coming her way.
Her offer comes in from Trinity, and we’re all happy for Ash, though it doesn’t extend to Ma and Da letting her apply for one of the dorms. They are still worried about her mental state, so they make a deal with her. She will live in Kilcoole and commute to and from college each day for first year, and then they’ll contribute to her getting her own place next year. It’s a fair compromise, and she agrees. I’m not the only one trying to make things up to our folks.
Jamie surprises everyone by getting offered a place in Trinity too. I knew he’d applied for the CAO, but I didn’t think he was serious about college. The course he’s doing is only twenty hours a week, so he’ll still have time to study and participate fully in the band. And, of course, any gigs we manage to land in town will be at night, so it’s doable.
We find a three-bed place in Temple Bar, put down the deposit, and prepare to move in two weeks’ time. I buy a secondhand black and silver Kawasaki EN500. It’s an older model German import, but it has low mileage, I got it for a steal, and it’s a pillion bike. I wanted to ensure I had a seat so Ash can stay over sometimes and I can drive her back home the next day. Ma hasn’t stopped crossing herself any time I get on the bike. She hates it, but I’m an adult now, and she can’t stop me.
Texts from Simon are still frequent, but I just treat them like I do any other spam text. They go unread, deleted, and blocked.
Stalking the Lancasters online has become my new obsession. I need ammunition for revenge, and I need to keep tabs on both men if I’m to devise a viable plan. Many nights are spent trawling the internet for information on the dickhead and my loathsome twin.
Simon Lancaster attends a lot of movie premieres, always with a different woman on his arm. The devil in my ear whispers I seem to be a lot like him, but I punt that meddling voice away. I am nothing like my prick of a sperm donor. I refuse to accept any similarities except for the physical ones I can’t deny. Apart from pics at premieres, there is the odd interview or quote he gives about an up-and-coming production and a few pics of him playing golf with the director Jonathon Mills, but that’s it.
There is a lot more content available on my twin, though there are no personal pics on his socials. All his posts are movie related. Many of them show that slut Saffron Roberts draped all over him. She looks like trouble in a pint-sized package. I can see why some guys might be into her, but she does nothing for me. Everything about her turns me off. She’s fake with a capital F and trying way too hard. From the way she’s clinging to Reeve and looking at him in the pics, it seems like she’s set her sights on him.
Wonder what his girlfriend thinks about that?
There is very little about Vivien Mills online, apart from some photos of her with Reeve when they were kids attending movie premieres with their famous parents. I found her Insta account, but there are no pics of Reeve, which seems weird when they grew up together and, apparently, they’re a couple. Their parents are best friends, and they live beside one another in a wealthy part of L.A. So why is there no evidence of them on either of their socials? It makes no sense. I found some threads for the movie where fans were speculating on the nature of their relationship. A few girls who profess to be Vivien and Reeve’s classmates say they’ve been a couple for years and they are very much still together.
Vivien Mills is absolutely stunning. Drop-dead gorgeous. The most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, and now I hate my brother even more. If he deserves any bird, it’s that Roberts slut. She seems like karma. Reeve Lancaster does not deserve a girl like Vivien. She’s far too good for him.
My finger traces over the image of Vivien’s gorgeous face on her most recent post. She’s laughing alongside a pretty girl with long red hair and vibrant green eyes. Vivien doesn’t appear to be wearing much makeup, and she’s dressed in skinny ripped jeans and an off-the-shoulder shirt. Glossy dark hair tumbles over her shoulders and down her back. She seems rather unassuming for a Hollywood princess. Her eyes are magnetic. Big and wide, they are framed by thick black lashes with golden flecks shimmering amidst warm honey-colored irises. They draw me in and steal all the breath from my lungs. I stare at her picture for way too long, noting every detail of her perfection and hating my twin with every molecule of my being.
Outwardly, Vivien looks happy, but behind her smile and laughing eyes I detect a hint of pain. Perhaps it’s because I can relate to it so well, but all is not as perfect as it first seems. It intrigues me— she intrigues me—and I spend hours searching through her posts and everything I can find about her online.
When I fall asleep that night, I’m not dreaming about the voluptuous blonde I banged earlier, I’m dreaming about the fresh-faced L.A. beauty who seems to have captured my twin’s heart.