Chapter 52
52
AGE 26
M y fingers twitch with a craving to slip the small bottle from my jacket and knock back a mouthful of whiskey. But I’m not brave enough to risk my sister’s wrath. Cameras are filming as the VIPs take their assigned seats. The ceremony will begin shortly, and the security personnel have advised us to remain in our seats, so I can’t even sneak out to the jacks.
The only thing worse than enduring hours of this bullshit from behind a TV screen is being forced to suffer it live with cameras watching your every expression and following your every move. Fuck plastering a fake smile on my face. I glare at the camera every time it comes near me and sneer at any asshole who attempts to look my way.
I’m not here to make friends in Hollywood.
I’m here for the band and Ash. Full stop.
Ash glances over her shoulder and then whips around, gripping my arm as she leans into my ear. “Don’t look, but they’re approaching. Just keep your cool.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t punch him in public,” I drawl, lowering my voice only because it would anger Ash if I didn’t. I don’t care if any of the surrounding pussies hear what I’ve got to say.
Ash inhales sharply as a vision in red sweeps by us. Reeve stops at the row in front of us to do some ass-licking. I know their seats are in the front row because Ash already confirmed we are eight rows behind them.
Should be interesting when we’re up on that stage.
Viv can’t escape me when I’m staring her in the face.
For years, on and off, I have tried to orchestrate a meeting at an industry event. At first, I did everything to avoid them in LA. But I’m a masochist. I want to torture myself by seeing them together up close. I want to torture myself by seeing her up close. My regular daydream was confronting her in front of her precious husband. Does he know who I am? He knows I exist, but did she ever tell him I was the man who held her together in Ireland after he shattered her spirit?
I’m guessing not, and I’m petty enough to want him to know.
Nowadays, whenever I see their names on an event attendance list, I add mine. Yet when I show up, they’re never there. At first, I presumed it was a coincidence until I realized she was doing it on purpose. Ensuring there was no opportunity for us to meet face to face. Which answers my question.
Reeve doesn’t know.
I wonder if I should tell him tonight.
Although it might be more fun to let her stew.
Ignoring Reeve, I stare at Vivien. Tension is evident in her shoulders as she faces the stage, with her back to us. It’s probably not noticeable to most, but I know her. I know how to read her body language and she’s definitely aware of me. I can’t see her face from this angle, but she looks stunning in an unforgiving red silk and chiffon gown. It hugs her enviable curves and shapely arse. Her dark hair is up in some kind of elaborate bun, showcasing her elegant neck and the expanse of tan skin across her upper back and shoulders.
My heart leaps, craning toward her with abject longing, before remembering she’s no longer mine.
“You’re staring,” Ash hisses, subtly digging me in the ribs.
“So?” I say, not tearing my gaze from my ex-girlfriend. I will her to turn around. To let me glimpse those gorgeous hazel eyes and see if they are more green or brown today.
“There are cameras,” she adds, under her breath.
“I don’t give a fuck.” I drink Viv in, noting her stiff posture and the shuffling of her feet. Her head turns to look at her husband, and her side profile is in view. Her skin is as flawless as ever, the corner of her mouth offering a teasing glimpse of her lush mouth. A mouth I’ve never forgotten. I can still taste her on my lips. Feel the glide of her tongue dancing with mine. Still remember what her lips felt like wrapped around my cock.
I glare at Reeve’s back as he takes her hand and slides his arm around her waist before guiding her to their seats. My gaze trails their every movement as my heart pounds against my rib cage.
“You’ve got serious issues,” Ash whispers. “I really think you need therapy. It’s not normal to obsess this much after all this time. Let your anger go, Dil. It’s doing you no favors.”
Ash doesn’t get it because I’ve never told her the truth. In the early days, when I was a complete wreck after I returned from LA, Ash worried incessantly about me, so I downplayed it. Music saved me during that period of my life. Music was and is my therapy. I’ve run through the whole gamut of emotions since I lost Vivien, but one emotion has remained steadfast.
I love her.
I will always love her.
There will never be another woman for me.
If Ash knew, she’d probably have me committed. So let her think it’s anger and loathing. It’s better than the alternative.
My eyes remain glued to the back of Vivien’s head the entire way throughout the ceremony. I wonder if she can feel it. Then we’re called backstage, where Ro and I finish the naggin between us as we wait in the wings to perform. When it’s showtime, we line up on stage as the presenter is announcing us. I’m not wearing a jacket because it’s hot as hell up here under all the stage lights, so the ink on my arms is fully on display. I’ve gotten more tats over the years, and I wonder if she’ll notice.
I belt out the lyrics while hugging the mic and working the crowd. Every second glance is in Viv’s direction, and I can tell she’s panicking.
Good.
Let her know what it feels like to live your life on edge.
She’s so fucking beautiful; it makes my heart ache. Viv was always beautiful, but she’s really grown into her skin and she’s even more stunning than when we dated. A glow radiates from her face, despite the fear lingering behind her eyes. Small hands rest on her neatly swollen belly and anger flares in my chest. I knew she was pregnant as they announced it last week with a formal interview in Vanity Fair . But knowing and seeing it in the flesh are vastly different.
I wonder if it upsets Ash to see her former best friend pregnant like it did seeing Clodagh’s pregnancy progress. That was a tough time for Ash and Jamie. They’ve only just come through it.
Knots twist in my gut thinking about his baby growing inside the woman I love. It reminds me of that harrowing time when I learned she’d married him and had his son. For a while, I thought her kid might have been mine, but the dates confirmed he was Reeve’s. That was the trigger that sparked my anger, and I turned from a broken lovesick fool into an angry man hellbent on revenge on the woman who had wronged me.
I’m thinking all this as I give the performance of a lifetime, on autopilot, and I have the crowd eating out of my hand.
Well, not all of them.
I smirk.
Reeve watches me watching her as she dances in front of her seat, and I hope it’s created some confusion. He looks like the quintessential Hollywood prick in his custom-fit tux with slicked-back hair and a smug grin on his face.
I hate looking at him and seeing my reflection.
I hate we share DNA.
I hate he stole the life that should’ve been mine and he keeps doing it.
Vivien flees halfway through because it’s her usual avoidance strategy. My gaze trails her as she exits the auditorium and enters the hallway that leads to the bathrooms.
We finish our set to rousing applause, and I share a grin with Jamie. No matter what shit is going down in my life, I’m always happiest when I’m on stage. The only time I’ve felt happier is that summer in Ireland when Viv was mine. Back then, she usurped the performance high. The thought lingers and sadness mixes with longing.
I need to see her up close.
I need to look into her beautiful face and see those pretty eyes.
Maybe they’ll hold the answers I’ve craved all these years.
On our way back to our seats, I detour to the bathroom and hang around in the hallway outside the ladies’ restroom to confront the woman who haunts my dreams.
I want to know why she did it.
Why she ran straight back to him after professing undying love for me.
I love you, Dillon. I love you more than words could ever express. For as long as I live, I will never forget you.
But you did, Viv.
You forgot me the second your plane landed on Californian soil. The instant you raced back into his arms.
Pain rips through me like always. Her last words are imprinted on my heart and in my brain and I will die whispering them under my breath, even if they are the greatest lie she’s ever told me.
Vivien emerges from the bathroom, stumbling and clutching her purse to her chest when she spots me. Fuck, she is spectacular. So fucking gorgeous. She takes my breath away, and the longing to cross the gap between us, pull her into my arms, and kiss the shit out of her is riding me hard, only adding to my torment.
A sob escapes her lips as we stare at one another. Emotion shines in her eyes, but I can’t trust it’s real. I drink her in, from head to toe, with hungry eyes, as I’m internally screaming and writhing in pain.
“Hey, Hollywood,” I choke out over the messy ball of emotion in my throat. My fingers twitch with the need to touch her.
“Dillon,” she whispers.
I push off the wall and walk toward her. Placing my hands on either side of her head, I lean in and close my eyes, soaking her up. Her familiar scent tickles my nostrils as her body heat seeps into my skin. I’m hanging by a thread, barely keeping my hands off her.
I have to remind myself she isn’t mine to touch anymore.
She’s pregnant—with her husband’s child.
I was such a fool to ever let her go. If I could go back in time, I’d do it all differently.
I would never have let her get on the plane that night, and he wouldn’t have had the chance to stick his claws in her again.
Everything would be different.
She’d be here with me tonight, and that baby in her belly would be mine.
I’m suffocating, dying inside all over again. My eyes open. I stare at her with my heart trying to beat a path out of my chest. “Vivien Grace,” I murmur, peering deep into her eyes. “Still so beautiful.” Electricity crackles in the tiny gap between our bodies and she’s got to feel it too. This can’t just be me.
She scrambles out from under me. “I’ve got to go.”
Icicles form in my veins, replacing the blood flow as she reverts to form. “Run away, Hollywood,” I shout after her. “After all, it’s what you do best.”
I stand rooted to the spot, unable to chase after her because I’m heartbroken all over again.
For a few seconds, I indulged the dream and forgot reality.
But that reality is staring at me from the end of the hallway.
Reeve frowns as he looks over at me before wrapping his wife in his arms and escorting her back inside the auditorium.
I slump to the floor and raise my knees, burying my head in my hands as crushing pain stabs into me from every angle.
I think I’m destined to always live with this pain.
Because I can’t cut her out of my heart, no matter how much I need to.