I Do. Do I?
It was interesting how one single decision could affect the whole circle of our lives, small or big.
Take my parents, for example. If my father had never gone after my mother that night and never started that conversation, they would never have gotten married, and this version of the Grant family would not exist. There wouldn’t be me or my sister, this house, this wedding day, or this exact moment where Josephine now sat behind the wheel of our father’s car inside his garage, and me next to her, having this conversation where another huge decision was about to be made that would, in turn, set in motion a chain of events forever altering countless lives.
“Fuck!” Jo squeezed the steering wheel with both hands and shoved her head way back against the chair, muttering, “I can’t do this to Mark. I can’t…and…I do love him, you know.”
“But—” I breathed, glancing at her. I knew this wasn’t about Aaron, not really. It was about the doubt I saw in her eyes, remembering every word she’d told me just this morning. “Do you love him enough to marry him?”
“I, um.” She closed her eyes, a deep sigh escaping her lips. “Look—” She turned to face me, brushing the veil off her face. “—it may not be one of those swoony love stories, but my life isn’t a fairytale either, Florence. Not everyone gets that.”
“That’s not what I asked, Josephine.” My stomach clenched with a sudden wave of anxiety as another roar of thunder echoed in my ears, sending vibrations rippling through the car. The downpour outside was as relentless as our mother probably was, searching for us both in the house.
“Ugh, well, this…isn’t exactly what I dreamed of, but he could make me happy.”
“God!” I nearly snorted. “You make it sound as if marriage is some kind of a trap or a prison.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just…we are not the same.
You and me. And we see things from different angles.
And while you were the one I always looked up to my whole life, Florence, and I admired how ambitious you were, ready to chase your dreams, and…
but it’s just not me. I…I remain realistic. I choose this—the real world.”
“Well, I’m not talking about fairytales either, or that romantic bullshit, but you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness for anyone.
Not me, not our parents, or Mark, simply because he loves you.
Don’t settle for something you are clearly already regretting, otherwise this whole conversation wouldn’t have even started. ”
“Florence—”
“Okay, perhaps he could make you happy, but for how long, until that wouldn’t be enough? Is there more room for love in you, Josephine? Because if your heart is closed to giving more, I don’t want you to be unhappy. And him too.”
“But there is always someone in a relationship who loves the other person more. Isn’t that what our gran always used to say?”
“You mean that sad and miserable woman our grandfather would have divorced if he had lived a little longer?” Taking out my apartment keys from my purse, I grasped her hand and clutched them tightly in her fist. I looked deep into her eyes, searching for my little sister I knew was in there somewhere.
“Use them if you want. And…I’m not trying to convince you what to do, you already know what your next steps will be, Josephine.
And if today you decide to walk down the aisle and marry Mark, I’ll be there, at your side.
Happy for both of you. However—” I gently squeezed her hand, a silent plea for her to understand.
“—if you are going to do this for anyone else but yourself, then don’t, because no one really asked you to.
This isn’t your role you had to fulfil or the choice you didn’t have.
” Or perhaps, I thought, it was easier for her to blame others than to face her own doubts.
Looking at Jo now, so lost and uncertain, I felt a lump forming in my throat.
“Josephine.” I breathed as I met her gaze, wishing my sister got one of the greatest love stories she was so convinced she wouldn’t get but so truly deserved.
“Oh, Josephine, please… Don’t be afraid to listen to your heart.
Do it for yourself. Like you told me so. ”
“Florence.” Her voice trembled as she shook her head, both arms suddenly reaching me in a tight embrace. “I’m so scared.”
“Don’t,” I murmured into the delicate fabric of her veil. “Don’t be, my little girl. God, I’m sorry I wasn’t, but I’m here now. With you. Every time you need me.”
I clasped the door shut, glancing at my sister, unsure what next course of action would follow. I guess we all just had to wait and see.